*gasp* Kindergarten Cop 2! I didn't know they made a sequel to my favorite movie... Starring my favorite actor... ~Arnold~ wait! Arnold! How come you never told me about this? You know, I would have loved to see it Arnold Turn around all the way Thank you. Look Arnie. If you don't want to talk about this, that's fine. But at least sit down and watch it with me Man this movie's gonna be so good cuz they made it 26 years after the first one so Lot of time to write a good script. Well, it's weird that guy. Uh Kind of looks like you but like a worse version of you. When do you come in? Okay new scene So this is probably where they introduce you. Oh, I guess you weren't in that scene either Is this where you come in? is this where you come in? is this where you come in? Ah, commercial Today's video is sponsored by expressvpn *fading* go to expressvpn.com/drew... Oh It's back on Is this where you come in? Something doesn't feel right... I'm starting to get the weirdest suspicion that you're not in this movie, but that doesn't make sense It's the sequel to kindergarten cop. Of course you're in it-- Oh, they're playing the credits So do you come in after the credits or? Of course I will Arnold I would do anything for you Um, so I'll be back in like 15-20 minutes if you want anything to drink there's some La croix's in the fridge yeah, okay Hey guy, welcome back to one of those bins at Walmart that has all the $5 DVDs in it. I'm your host Tiger Woods So a couple weeks ago I made a video about movie reboots that no one asked for there's a thousand of them coming out every day But as bad as it is to see a movie or show you once loved Lazily rehashed by a group of people that has seemingly no connection to the first one, other than the fact that they both... Made a movie, there is one good thing about remakes and it's that at least you know It's a remake. Like when Disney announces they're making a new live-action Kim Possible movie I don't think oh they're making more of the thing I like I can look at it and see that it's just a brand new Entirely different thing that just happens to have the same name as the thing I like Sometimes though Hollywood tries to pull a fast one on us by announcing They're making a sequel and you think, "cool More thing all my friends from the first movie are back and they're gonna do another shenanigan. I can't wait" Oh. no one from the first one is in it and it's a different writer and it's a different director And the whole crew is different and all the actors are different in the story has nothing to do with the first one, okay So it's not the sequel this may sound crazy but to me a sequel is like When the Star Wars guys are here, and then the Star Wars guys go there, and then who knows, maybe they end up here! I'm not in charge. to me, those are sequels cuz it's the same people Continuing the same story You can't just hire a bunch of random people to make a random movie and then slap a number two Next to the title of a different movie and say it's the next one This is the next movie So originally this was gonna be a very long video about three different movies that all fit this description But I realized I have so much to say about each movie that it makes more sense to split this up into three parts So this video is part one and today we're only gonna be focusing on Kindergarten Cop 2 Kindergarten cop came out in 1990 and it is... Perfectly fine. It's not the BEST movie--Sorry Arnold--but it's managed to last a pretty long time as an enjoyable enough family-friendly action movie/ now Kindergarten Cop 2--you know, the sequel--came out in 2016! 26 years after the first one. So literally no one is asking for it at this point. Also, because it's 26 years old I don't think anyone was expecting a 70 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger to come out of retirement to reprise his Unforgettable role as whatever his character's name was in the first one. It's totally understandable They want to reboot this movie and go with another young, handsome buff guy to play the teacher But they didn't do that. They got a guy named Dolph Lundgren who's 60! I guess They just figured this is like the closest they could get to Arnold cuz he's also foreign and also old? "this machine Owes me a god damn twix bar!" "HEY, WOAH!" You may know Dolph from his most famous role as Drago in rocky 4 He's pretty much the same character in this movie except instead of fighting Sylvester Stallone He just goes around kissing a bunch of women who are half his age. That's basically the whole movie. like take the very first scene For example, he's in this hotel room with a young girl who kind of looks like him You're like me your first reaction was oh that must be his daughter, right? That's his daughter No, that's his girlfriend. But before they can finish their makeout sesh the FBI shows up to save him from the bad guys And she hits him in the face. "I'm sorry" And before we even have time to ask questions, like "wait, what's going on?" And, "who was she?" she walks out the door and you never see her again. Don't worry about our friend Dolph though He'll bounce back. you see lucky for him He lives in a universe where every woman in the world Swoons at the mere sight of him. random girl in the FBI headquarters the first shot of whom is a gratuitous close-up on her ass? Swoon. principal of the elementary school Dolph needs to infiltrate for their mission? Swoon. Everyone loves Dolph. It doesn't end there though How could it--we're only 12 minutes into the movie--because now it's time for the meet-cute. "sorry to interrupt But I have a situation that can't really wait Brooklyn is out of her meds again..." You guys can probably tell that she is going to be the main love interest of this movie Is there anything weird about that? You know when you look at him and you look at her? Is there anything weird about that you guys notice anything? I like this shot where he's like leaning back to like watch her walk away You know, to look at her BUTT, but like she's--what does he see here? What is he--there's a wall. "when can you start?" Seems like a lot of extra editing there just to say that it's lunchtime. uh, but this lunch scene is great. So first he has to microwave a girl's tofu. It's just two pieces of tofu It wasn't, like, cooked in with something else. her parents just gave her two sticks of cold tofu Then while that's microwaving, you see that all the kids are eating like uncooked pieces of broccoli But then he's like "what, tofu, vegetables, gluten-free? That's dumb. I'm gonna eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich" and just at the sheer mention of the word 'peanut', the whole class erupts in screams. *children screaming* Because this ONE kid has a peanut allergy. so the principal comes in, who--I guess she could hear the chaos? she must be like right next door uh But she comes in, rushes him out. and then the microwaved tofu Explodes because, of course it did. it's been in there for like nine minutes. Then there's some more gratuitous shots of half-naked women to show that this isn't a family movie. It's just a bad movie So then he gives the kids a bunch of cookies for no reason and they all go apeshit *song with lyrics, "I want candy!" Because I guess he's so disconnected from children that he doesn't even know that sugar will make them hyper This is literally a scene from the first one. all the kids are going crazy, he freaks out. even his growl Sounds like Arnold. *Dolph makes strange growl-like noise* then one girl comes up and says she has to go to the bathroom, but he has to take her. Girl: "I need to go to the bathroom." Teacher: "I'll take care of her." So then he does, and that's how he meets the other teacher who he's already met in the beginning But she still says "nice to meet you". She says it twice in two different scenes. " It was nice to meet you" "It was nice to meet you." and then she comes in and just, claps a couple times and Reverses the effects of all the sugar that the kids ate. "don't get me started on these little brats. Sometimes I just want to, UGH!" "Woah, woah, woah woah." You just wanna what, kill the kids? you're gonna fucking murder the kids? cuz that's what that sounds like. "UGH!" "so... I'm just gonna have to rely on you then" *laughs* *flirtatiously* "I guess you will." Let me know when the two of them are supposed to start having chemistry. 'cause I don't see it. I know that's what they're forcing with this scene, with the little music, and through the smiling at each other He's fucking twice her age. I love how in the next scene where he's driven home from school His shirt has different paint stains on it. I think they just forgot what color the paint was. All right So now day two, he has the bright idea to come in and blow an airhorn right in all of their faces. Uh, and they all start crying. so the principal gets pissed and gives him one strike, out of three. So he goes back to the FBI And then asked his friend to give him an earpiece so he can give him some pointers. This happens during the day He went back to the FBI. So I don't know who's watching the kids at this point. I guess time just stops. So he can go do that... This is really edited like this in the movie. What happened guys? There's like a weird cut and then his audio is dubbed Not sure what not sure what that's all about and then shortly afterwards were introduced to Hal who is Essentially a human punching bag and the butt of almost all of the remaining jokes in the movie Most of these jokes pretty much boil down to 'fat man is nerd, So we laugh.' Dolph: "the city of Troy was heavily fortified. The Greeks had no way of getting inside." Hal: "uh, please be careful with my soldiers. They're-they're collectors" Ha, fucking nerds. *Hal gasps while kids chant something unintelligible* Kid: "Ooo-la-la!" Even the kids aren't weirded out by the forced chemistry between these two people. "like, on a date?" "Uh-huh." *Drew mocks him* "Talking to Olivia?" "yeah." "I called dibs on her." you silly nerd. You can't call dibs on a woman! Plus this guy is much more handsome than you, and DEFINITELY not a hundred years old. "I'm taking her out tonight" *Hal makes weird disappointed noise? Then cracks his neck* *Drew mocks Hal* You know cuz he's a nerd, and that's what nerds do...I guess. "but I called dibs!" "that's impossible. You on the geek squad." ha, fucking nerd. "dinner, romantic lighting, talking." "ooo, I'll get to do all that?" "Yeah, dates are about getting to know someone!" "I'm messing with you man' Half the time when Dolph is talking it looks like he's asleep. *Drew's voice* "Don't even worry about this man. I got this under control." "I think dates are for getting to know someone *song starts playing on record player* "As long as I've got you!" Oh wow you ARE old-school!" yeah, cuz he's old! "Most guys that I date now, they just want to meet for drinks and have sex "Great, Now you tell me?" was this supposed to not be weird at some point? this whole date scene hurts to watch! "and I really do Want to get to know you." "What do you want to know?" Why are you here? Why did you go on a date with me? Are you attracted to me? Why are you attracted to me? Those are just a few of my questions. "Twix?" this movie is brought to you by Twix. Look when I'm not out there fighting crime--I-I-I mean teaching kindergarten There's one thing I like to do in my free time and that's eat a candy bar. "It's sort of my thing." Twix: "How do you stay in such good shape if you eat so much sugar?" "you want me to show you how I stay in shape?" *Honky-tonk country music starts playing* *cheering in background* Yeah, slow motion bull-riding scene! ooh, zoom in on her stomach! that's what this kids movie needs. *Olivia breathing heavily* Oh God, the chemistry between him and this 19-year-old girl is SO palpable! No No Don't no. No, no, don't do it. No, but literally nobody wants you to do this Noooo Stop, that's too much. Oh, I hate this. I hate this scene. I hate this movie I want it to end. "can we continue this some other time?" "...yeah." "Take you home?" mind if I take you home, I'm only very drunk. FBI agent: "We are running out of time!" It's been four days, how are we not done with this mission yet? "TIME IS RUNNING OUT!" "This is a place of peace, not war." *Hal, in pain*: "AW, MY NUTS!" "Ew, I shot his nuts!" Okay, I was wrong! this movie's fucking hilarious. he just got tasered in the dick and shit his pants *whispering* "Hal, did you shit yourself?" *Hal breathes heavily* The scene that kids love. Dolph: "get the baby wipes" Perfect! throw in some more half-naked women, you know, for all the toddlers watching. Oh what, you thought every other scene in this movie was uncomfortable to watch? wait till you see this auction they're auctioning off a date with Dolph who, once again, is 60 years old. and you got all These hot young girls--and one guy--willing to throw hundreds of dollars. Keep in mind These are teachers, they're on a teacher's salary, but they're willing to throw out 500 bucks 600 bucks to have one night with Dolph "Can you count 950?" "Two thousand dollars!" $2,000 to go on a date with a guy. She's already gone on a date with. "come on!" ha, fuckin nerd. "every guinea pig loves..." "carrots!" "and" "people love guinea pigs!" "Nice job guys." *clapping* This movie's like the Cliff Notes version of the first one. literally this is day five. pretty much Nothing has happened! Day two, he was blowing an airhorn in these kids' faces, and they all cried. Three days later They're giving him a hug. "time capsule!" "time capsule." "time capsule!". So then they finally figure out where this flash drive is, That's the reason he's been here the whole time, but the bad guys show Up and they capture them. and the other teacher feels betrayed because she didn't know he was FBI She just thought he was a teacher "So everything that we are, it's all just an act to you." everything that we are. it's been five. fucking. days! "I didn't lie about my feelings for you." "I don't have feelings for Kristi north!" So they pour out all of the contents of the time capsule, You know, the thing they're burying to open up in the future and see what life in 2016 was like, and there's three things in there. the flash drive, a piece of cardboard I guess?, and a little hammer. you're telling me that the entire school went on this fucking field trip to bury a time capsule With a hammer and a piece of cardboard in it? seems a little pointless if you ask me. Twix? Okay. It's a good candy bar. Twix: it's a good candy bar. So anyway, they defeat the bad guys in a very underwhelming final scene, The kids kick some butt. Even the nerd gets in on the action. and even though she was just pissed off like ten minutes ago, Now she's ready to kiss his big beautiful face again. And for a reason I will never understand, the final shot of the movie is Just a close-up on this pig. That's the last shot. and then it says 'the end' while they play a cover of the Jackson 5 ABC song Which they also played earlier in the movie? They played the same song in the movie twice, probably because they didn't want to spend any more money on licenses to other music. So you see what I'm saying. at best, this is an unnecessary remake of a movie that came out so long ago that it's completely irrelevant at this point. and at worst, it's just a creepy movie that's too raunchy for kids to watch and too stupid for adults to enjoy. 2 out of 10. and just when I thought this movie couldn't get any weirder, I watched the credits and realized there's characters named 'hot single dad', 'Hot mom', 'super hot mom', and 'smokin hot mom'. Don't get those two confused, they are two different people. another weird fact about this movie is that it was written by someone who seems to specialize in this sort of, uh, sequel non-sequel thing He also wrote 'Bigger fatter Liar'. "Big Fat Liar is already being counted as next summer's must-see movie event." "That guy stole my paper!" "Larry Wolf is about to release highly Anticipated game Big Fat Liar." "that jerk stole my game!" an all-new movie and Paul Giamatti *distorted* MOVIE And he's also writing, and this hasn't come out yet, but I'm very excited to not watch it, 'Grand-Daddy Daycare'. It's the sequel to 'Daddy Daycare' starring Eddie Murphy. Now, if you had to guess what 'Grand-Daddy Daycare' is about, you'd probably guess it is, instead of dads taking care of kids, It's very old men taking care of kids, right? granddaddy daycare cuz daddy day care was about daddies running a daycare So this is a granddaddy daycare, right? No. "thank you so much for watching dad all day" "ah it's No problem." "here, at least take 100. the senior home charges 300." "I got it all figured out: granddaddy daycare." this movie's about middle-aged men taking care of older men What? You know what else I just realized? I've left Arnold in my living room for over 20 minutes completely unsupervised I gotta go make sure he didn't drink all my La Croix's. Arnold? Arnold... *sound of La Croix can getting stepped on* Arnold? buddy? Oh, There you are! listen, I'm not mad that you drank all my La Croix but, I-- *Drew makes sound of disgust* What the fuck? La Croix: just don't drink it. All right bitch, you're helping me do this ad read. Perfect, oh it looks like I have arms coming out of my head. I want to give a huge shout out to today's sponsor expressvpn, friend of the channel and protector of my online data When you think about it the Internet's a pretty scary place that most of us don't know nearly enough about, and yet we Entrust it with like 90 percent of our personal information And all it takes is one malicious person to swoop in and take all of that data and suddenly, ya life is effed. I don't need to tell you what that f stands for...it's fart. but that's where today's sponsor comes in. expressvpn Aka Virtual Private Network. You see, when you browse the web using a VPN., your IP address is masked So not only will the ne'er-do-wells of the Internet not be able to sniff out your data But even the websites you visit won't be able to identify you, which is great because sometimes we don't want to be identified when we're searching things like 'rash on neck' or 'Neck rash'--we don't have to talk about that but even if you're somebody likes to throw caution to the wind and surf the web unprotected I haven't even told you my favorite feature of a VPN and it's at an unblocks content that may not be available in your region By tricking the internet into thinking that that's where your computer is Let me show you. let's say you're like me and you live in America and you want to watch Archer on Netflix. can't do that! doesn't even show up. Well, I guess I'll just throw my computer away--or hold on, Why don't I just get expressvpn to lie to Netflix by telling them that I live in the United Kingdom? All right a little bit of hacking, infiltrating the mainframe, little beep, little boop, give a little refresh, and bam! now I can watch the show and all it took was a Little sneaky penetration. "um, phrasing." expressvpn has servers in 94 countries So you have plenty of options to choose from and their speeds are consistently faster than other VPNs out there You also get a plan for less than seven dollars a month with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Can't beat that, right Arnold? Alright, that's enough out of you. So if you're interested in taking back your internet privacy today Click the link in the description and/or go to expressvpn.com/drew and get three months free with a one-year package That's expressvpn.com/drew to learn more and take back your internet privacy and anonymity Or if you just want to watch Archer. thank you so much to expressvpn for sponsoring Today's video and being a pal. and also, thank you guys for being so cool whenever I do have sponsors on this channel Not only is it a good way for you guys to get a good deal on something You may not have heard of otherwise But it also supports me by telling these brands that it was a good decision to give me money Alright buddy, we're done with you. Thank you so much for watching guy If you'd like a shirt that says hey to all the other guys so you don't have to you can do so There's a link in the description for my merch It'll be less wrinkled when you get it I promise. also if you're more literal than that, here's a shirt that just says shirt So everybody knows what it is. That's it videos over Be sure to tune in next week to see me Build an igloo in my living room and then attempt to eat it all before it melts bye (music)
Really exciting to hear youtube is going to release two more videos after this!