Hey guy, welcome back to the North Pole. My name's Santa and this is Christmas. Hopefully it's pretty well documented by now that my favorite thing about Christmas is Christmas.... movies and it's around this time every year that I get really excited to watch them on TV. The problem is I haven't had cable in like seven years. This year, though, that all changed cause a few months ago when we moved here, and we had to get new internet, they were like, "hey, we'll throw in DirecTV for another few bucks a month," and I was like, you know what? Fuck it! Daddy's getting cable! [really cool and funky royalty free music] Then I remembered that cable sucks. The shows are all the same, there's too many goddamn channels, and everything's a commercial... Luckily though, It's bearable for the next few weeks 'cause we got the Hallmark Channel. Sappy Christmas movies 24/7. We also got.. other channels that sometimes play Christmas movies. Originally, I was gonna make this whole video about Hallmark Christmas movies because I find them so hilarious and formulaic, A working business woman living in the big city has to visit her hometown, for business reasons, but then falls in love and stays forever. That's all of them Uh, even the titles are identical. Here is their big holiday lineup. Christmas at Pemberley Manor. Christmas Joy. Road to Christmas. It's Christmas, Eve. *Names of Hallmark Movies overlap each other* When Calls The Heart Christmas. When calls? When calls the heart Christmas. When— Yeah I don't know how to say that one. And after binging a ton of these for several days straight, I realized that everything I wanted to say about hallmark movies could be summed up in this one clip here is the ending scene to Reunited at Christmas and this should give you an idea of how empty and repetitive these movies are (mom) "Merry Christmas." (dad) "Merry Christmas." (mom) "Merry Christmas, my loves." (woman off camera) "Merry Christmas" (dad) "Merry Christmas" (woman and man together) "Merry Christmas" (woman) "Merry Christmas" But hold on Drew, you're saying this video isn't about hallmark movies then why are you even talking about them? well Mostly because I spent like 13 hours watching them and I didn't want that to be for nothing but also because I think hallmark movies are like the benchmark for a passable Christmas movie. If you find a Christmas movie and it's better than a hallmark movie It's pretty okay, if you find one that's worse than a hallmark movie You have something beautiful on your hands and that is exactly what I feel Amanda and I stumbled onto on accident It's a movie called Christmas Mail. It was on Ion Television, which is a channel I guess Now the bad news is we only flipped there halfway through so we missed the beginning But the good news is the DVD only cost me three dollars. I bought this movie last week and we've watched it No lie, ten times. This movie is the best, worst thing I've ever seen. It's terrible, but it's amazing. It's bizarre, but it's beautiful Anyway, I've talked enough. I'm so excited to show you guys this movie This video is going to be very long because I pretty much have something to say about every aspect of this movie Real quick though before we start it's very obvious that this is like a crappy Made-for-tv movie and maybe it's like low-hanging fruit for me to make fun of that But according to IMDB, and this is probably wrong, but according to IMDB this movie had a budget of 2.5 Million dollars. I'm pretty sure that was a typo and they meant to say 2.5 dollars But let's assume that that's correct. I don't know where that money went. Anyway guy, let's watch this movie (Royalty Free Christmas music) Pfft, Timmy house! Then they have another girl who's about the same age as that girl and she wrote her full address She wrote Santa Claus North Pole, but then that kid put Timmy house I don't know why that's so funny to me, but we're not even through the opening credits yet, so I should probably... So we open with this guy, Matt the mailman, who is picking up letters on foot, I guess? No letters for Santa? Of course not, we tweeted ours. Unsurprisingly his hands get full pretty much immediately, cause you know... He's on foot. So then Matt has to try very hard to trip on this hose, while the extra in the background gets to her door and then doesn't know what to do, cause she can't get in the door. It's probably locked, it's not her house. So she turns around and looks right at the camera. Ah classic meet-cute. Dog takes thing from man... Dog, give it back! Drew: Man runs after dog, sees girl to whom dog belongs... Instant fireworks. Don't worry, he's friendly. Yeah, I've heard that before. Not from me. Hi. What? Not from me. You're right. Hi, I'm Matt Mailman... Drew: So then we come back to the post office and we're introduced to his boss who kind of acts as the main villain in this story. [boss] Matt! There's no slacking at the US Postal Service! Where we work! Get back to work! [boss] What is this? Drew: So then the boss who's continuing his rounds runs into the girl from before who I guess works here now? And she's in the middle of writing a letter that says, "and you're a good boy. Love, Santa." Okay... What are you doing here? You didn't get the memo? Nope. No memo. I'm on special assignment from corporate. Answering letters to Santa? Now, why does Santa need to write back? What a Grinch. What a Grinch! Hey, I just said that! It seems to me that with all this emailing and text messaging that Santa ought to get with the 21st century. [bassy] We tweeted ours. But then now finally the plot is kind of kicking in, because after Sally leaves, Drew: Kristi opens a letter from one of the main characters: Matt's niece. (Little white girl voice): Dear Santa! I need your help. My Mommy and Daddy went to Heaven. Now I live with my uncle and he's nice and reads books to me at night and talks funny and makes me laugh, but he's all alone except for me and I think he needs a friend who will kiss him and stuff. Can you help my Christmas wish come true? So her Christmas wish is... For someone to kiss her uncle? That's the plot of the movie. Ok, whatever. Let's go ahead and move on to the next scene, which is probably my favorite in the entire movie. Emily, dinner time! Missghetti Spaghetti! Oh oh careful, sweetie! Stove is hot, okay? Uncle Matt! Missghetti means you haven't made it in a long time! And I miss it! Get it? Missghetti!? Hey listen go wash up, cause dinner's gonna be ready in like five minutes, okay? Okay. Alright, bye. There's a lot to unpack here. First off, he calls her in cause he says it's time for dinner. But he hasn't even started boiling water yet. Then she calls it missghetti. Because she misses it and then when she walks away, he says, "alright, bye," like he's hanging up a phone. All right, bye. Don't say bye to someone who's gonna be right back. Nephew, dinner! Missken! Chicken..? No, stupid! Missken! Cause you haven't made it in a while.. And I miss it! We had this last night.. Can I put my hand on this?! No, get the fuck out of here! All right, bye! And then in the next scene the niece Emily gets a letter back from Santa, but it's not Santa, it's just some girl who tells her to just do it herself basically. (Other white lady): Maybe you could make your own Christmas wish come true. Love, Santa. Dear Emily! That's great that you want that, but fuck off! Do it yourself. So then Kristi is watching some kind of Christmas cartoon and crying for some reason, Sally brings over a bottle of wine, which they drink out of mugs. She also says hi to the dog hEEYY Doggy! At this point we still don't really know who Christy is We just know that she's like... I guess she's like an elf? Ooh, did you grow up around here? E Mm mm No not exactly.. WhooAAAOOAH Santa baby! So then Sally talks to Matt the next day trying to set him up with Kristi. Everyone's trying to get Matt laid. Let her fall in love with your rock n' roll move! But then while they're talking the boss comes in and ushers Matt into his office. Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt Matt, aren't you ummmm... Raising an orphan? My niece. Yeah sure... So tell me what uhm... What's your take on this Santa letter girl? You heard anything or? Who? I need you to find out who the girl is and the girl's up to. So then he goes to her office, they realize oh we met the other day... Matt, the mailman! It's you! I told you we'd run into each other again. YeahHAH- hn haha heh ehah Nh-yehAH ah Thank you for the cookie Drew: So now Matt in kitchen pretending bread is guitar when he gets a call from his old band asking if he wants to go on tour with them, but he has to decline. It sounds like a dream come true, but uhh... I'm gonna have to pass. So now we're starting to see the motivation behind Matt. He is a mailman, but he doesn't really want to be. Deep down, he wants to be a rock star. But he's got to have a real job because he's taking care of his dead sister's daughter. Who by the way wrote back to Kristi basically saying are you sure? And then Kristi says: Well, sometimes family is closer than you think so take a look around. And the girl interprets that as uhm.... I'm gonna set up my uncle with the elderly neighbor and then that's a real scene that happens. *flirty music is playing* *inhale* UhH Anyway, he runs into Kristi again the next day, he asks her for coffee and she does this...? A lunch or a coffee or? Oh uhhH not coffee ugHH yUCk ughhhh And then Matt goes to the boss' office to get scolded at, cause he's not getting enough information about her. You have to get me something I can use against this girl. She hates coffee. Noo! (Scary violin music) But I'm so confused like the boss's motivation. She sends them replies, then they think they have to send another letter back! He's MAD! (boss) She is a threat! Because her answering the letters leads to more letters coming in. Doesn't that mean the post office is getting more business? Wouldn't he want that? If he's the boss? But he's like mad, he wants to get rid of her. Because they have too much business. I don't understand this at all. 132 gig gigggAAaa GGGgggGG What's--Ah-Bih-- Mp3 player..?! What even is technology?! [bassy] We tweeted ours. So then they go to the break room to have cocoa because in case you forgot she doesn't like coffee. Oh, wow. I think I'm about to get schooled. You're about to get schooled. I think I'm about to get schooled. No, you're about to get schooled. That's what he just said. But now the recon mission is fully in motion while she's making the cocoa He seizes the opportunity to get a letter from her? I guess? Which he makes look a lot more difficult than it is I mean, all he had to do was like pick it up and put it in his pocket but it turns into this like 45 second thing where he's basically sweating by the end of it. Then they drink the cocoa and she creams her pants MmmhHHmmmmm Then we have another scene which is actually even weirder than the old neighbor one from before. Nope. This is our group. So once again his niece who just wants him to get laid So Bad! Emily said you wanted to join. Set him up into this group. Single parent support group. Since Matt's here, maybe we can get a dad's point-of-view Oh... Huh well huh Okay, well I've never been divorced and technically, I'm not a dad. When's the last time you had sex? *?????????????????????????????????* I gotta get th- Oh no! Oh a hUhuHuhu I had to take many showers after seeing that scene and also it is the next day. Too much for me to handle. Let's keep watching the movie. Now we're at the point of the movie where Matt is starting to realize he's in over his head with his niece. She's asking some really tough questions about death and boys Where did Mommy and Daddy go? Is it time to start kissing? And he being too stupid for his own good Well uhmmM I... ehh uhmm idk Has to call his friend, Heather. Hi sweetie. I love this scene. *false harmonizing* Because I don't know why they're all doing vocal warm-ups *false harmonizing continues* What, do they all sing? Why does the drummer need to warm up his voice? Totally, absolutely, it's just that Carlos and the guys are in a really vulnerable place right now with the band and we are doing some serious healing right now. It's Emily... Bitch I don't care about that, listen to ME. Growing up so fast, and she's asking all these questions and... *even worse harmonizing* I can't do it on my own anymore If there's a way that you could just help me out for a couple days just to get through the holidays... Okay. I will take the first flight out in the morning. First flight out in the morning, a few days before Christmas... Okay, very last-minute holiday flight should be about a THOUSAND dollars. But I suppose that's chump change for a band about to go on tour. Everyone's running around like crazy getting ready for tour. And even though I've watched this movie like a dozen times I still don't understand his relationship with Heather. She's got his arm on him. He's got his arm on her. Hey sweetie. I don't get it! Mmmnyyhehehee whAT? I wonder if he just ate something right before this scene? Must be a big Vin Diesel fan. Here's another great scene where Matt has another meeting with his boss I need more information! Well, I... I think I'm going out for lunch with her today. I want you to wear this. No! You're not starting to have feelings for this girl, are you? No, of course not. *sure Jan* I don't have feelings for Kristi North! *on recorder* I don't have feelings for Kristi North! You know what's great about that scene? That tape recording of him saying I dOn'T hAvE fEeLiNgS fOr kRiStI nOrTh Never comes up again in the movie. Also you were supposed to give him the tape recorder so he could record the conversation. And then you didn't give it to him. ♫ Nothing in this movie makes sense ♫ Ready for lunch? Sure! Today? Sure. Why not? Where should we go? Uh, I was thinking a picnic. Okay a picnic. That's actually pretty cute. I think that's always a solid date idea cause there's effort involved. Well it's actually it's uh, it's an indoor picnic. Oh! Seventeen dollars and eight cents. Oh... So when he said picnic he just meant... You want to eat Chinese food on the floor? That's my favorite kind of picnic. *Cantonese* Thank you. Oh and she speaks Chinese! What an unnecessary thing to add? You know considering his total lack of acting prowess one thing AJ Buckley does very well is the polite laugh. Hehehe wow Wahhaho Ehhehehe I love kids. And animals. And candy. Caaandy. YeahahAHA Gosh, they have SO much chemistry. How sad is that? AHAHAHA But then his niece calls him and asks if he wants to meet them at the park and he's like what a great idea, let's take this picnic outside... And then I'll get changed and I'll meet you at the park in like an hour? Great. What a great idea! Let's take all of this Chinese food that we just ordered and had three bites of and then wait an hour and eat it outside. I'm sure it will taste much better then. So now for the first time in the movie she looks down at her outfit and realizes it looks awful, but luckily Sally is here to save the day. Oh girlfriend! Raise your hand if you've seen this exact makeover scene in any movie before. Step one: take off those glasses and unleash that face. Oh and she, she let her hair down! Take off your glasses and let your hair down! Wow, she went from being a dumb ugly bitch to a beautiful gorgeous model. Oh and you can't forget that lipstick! That I guess she's gonna put over her other lipstick. Unbutton. First button, second button, third button... First button? Few more buttons than that, please! And then they go to the park and she's wearing a big ass jacket. So why did it even matter? That you unbuttoned your shirt? Okay and then now she's in the park, and she's just sitting on a bench all by herself admiring the only other three people in this park, which is parents watching their teenage son sitting on top of a jungle gym. That kid's like 15 and he's just like Look guys, I'm on a jungle gym! I'm so proud of our almost adult child! So now Elf girl summons a bird and talks to it... You talk to birds? That's so neat! That is cool, you are normal. Do you want to try? Sure, let me just take off my fingerless gloves, which I gotta wear cause we're in this brutal Southern California winter! I know it gets cold there sometimes, but come on! A scarf? Gloves? Today is December 10th, which is about the day that this is supposed to be in the movie. It is 68 degrees in Los Angeles I don't think you need gloves. Anyway, then she hold bird. Can't believe you fed the bird! High five! I can't believe you fed the bird! Oh but dumb little girl left her glove. *tiny voice* Wait! *tiny voice* Guys, wait! I have your glove! You can't hear me because I'm whispering? This part's weird too. So she goes to give her her glove back and she sees Matt and Heather, acting like romantically so she assumes that's his wife. No you big dum-dum. That's just a misunderstanding. Wait..... Why are they doi-? Why is she doing that? Have you ever had a non romantic? Have you ever had a non-romantic, platonic friend of yours wrap your scarf around you and might kind of do one of those? Of course she would think that's his wife. That's a weird thing to do. WHO IS HEATHER? This is what I said earlier, like what is their relationship? Where is she? (Sad Music) Wait a second. There is no one in this public park... Where is everybody? Man, I thought after that Chinese picnic that he was the one, but turns out he's married and has kid... And to think that whole makeover was for nothing! That's weird I don't have any messages on my answering machine... When was this movie made? 2010. They still have answering machines in 2010? Nah, we'll let it slide. Okay, now the laughs are starting to pile up. I can't keep up. First she says this: Was I supposed to ask him if he was married? ??????????????? Oh my gosh, I'm talking to my dog. She thinks it's weird that she's talking to her dog? She just talked to a fucking bird in the park! Then cut immediately to the post office, where Matt is riding his bike through work. And from now through the rest of the movie you start to notice how bad the audio is in this movie. First, this song. This is a real part of the song apparently. Guys I slipped, should we record that ag-? Oh, you don't care? Doesn't matter? Just gonna use that one? Okay. Anyway, Matt's confused cause Sally says that she went to the park. Who do you think gave her her makeover? Kristi never showed up. What? So then Matt goes to Kristi's house to kind of figure out what's up, and he sees his niece's glove and he puts two and two together. Kristi, I'm so sorry, I should have told you about Emily, it's just that some people get freaked out when they find out I have a kid. Emily was my sister's. When her and her husband died, I found out that they put me in the will saying that.... I am the most awesome uncle ever. Emily! Oh Emily! The girl with your same last name and address who's been writing about her lonely uncle! How did I not put two and two together yet? *Drew* So that was my thir- Sorry to interrupt, but that's a reindeer. *Drew* Oh! - Yeah we put it outside... *talking over eachother* *Drew* Oh, look out! - Oooh thank you for saving me, you're so handsome! *Heather shouting in the background* Everything okay in there? So let me picture this. She's putting sprinkles on the cookies and then... Launches a bowl out of the room. This next scene is so weird. I think you would look really cool... With some green sparkles on you! They have a sprinkle fight, but like I guess they didn't want to clean up the sprinkles? So they just did it all in post. They had sprinkles. Why didn't they just use the actual sprinkles? It looks awful! Isn't this cosY? And you were right, this is excellent missghetti. Missghetti callback! Remember from earlier? I miss it! So then they eat dinner... d uh And then Heather asks this question: Have you ever heard Matt play the guitar? No! In fact, I didn't know you could play. He- Wha- I just Oh! is that right? Well, Matt is an excellent guitar player. Voted best epic solo at the Starlight Lounge four years running. Oh, you don't say... Well, I mean if he has an epic solo award... Would you play something for us? I don't know, I haven't played in such a long time... Please Uncle Matt, we'll sing! Heather and I have been working on something! Come on you gotta play, they even prepared a song?! Heather's been there one day and they wrote a song! Let's hear it. *some terrible song plays* Can you hear what they're saying, cause I can't. *the terrible song continues* *Uncle Matt's best epic solo* *pure disgust* Was the person who mixed the audio... DEAF? *Uncle Matt's best epic solo continues* That's so crazy! He's not even moving his left hand and he's playing all those notes? No wonder he won all those awards! *thank God it's over* Oh, I may be an 8 year old girl who doesn't know anything about boys, but I know an "I wanna fuck look" when I see it. Let's get out of here Heather. SO HOT!!!1 *upbeat jazz music* Hey I got kissed! Nice to see you. I got kissed last night! There have been a lot of bad scenes in this movie. But I think this one takes the cake. Opened letters, this bag: unopened letters. I'm not following you. Okay, the unopened letter bag holds 40% more letters than that they were open. I did this test on five different bags! FiVe DiFfErEnT bAgSS!! You know what's not bad enough that I get all this extra Santa mail! She has to open them up Open them up! The woman is destroying MY efficiency! OUR efficiency! You don't get out much, do you? Hohoo! When Matt gets kissed... You're getting dissed! Okay new rules! Hunt! Sally! Come here! From now on, all Santa letters go on the dead-letter truck. You got it? Woah, Richard, come on! But who's gonna answer them then? Nobody! Way it oughta be. *gasp* uh-uhhhh Richard... [Drew mimicking the weird sassy noises lol] Not only is that clearly not what she said, but like they had to put that sound in. They had to sit her down in a recording studio and and say go Here's your lines: ah uh uuh eeeh aaah ta! Oh and then the choreography with this chase is just so beautiful. Excuse me. I'm trying t- can you get out? Hey that's my maaaaaillll! Let's just talk about this for a second, okay? If you would have done your job and got me real dirt on her, I wouldn't be in this position right now. Job... What job? I was on to your little sabotage from the beginning. Okay? Had my own little counterespionage op running with Matthew here as my lead spy. What is that? What is... What are you doing? The only reason he was hanging out with you was to get me answers on who you actually are. But... Matt! We... did a kiss. aah, duh aah DuHH dUhHH You know you can write words in a script, right? Remember earlier in the movie when she said the Postmaster General sent here on a special assignment? Special assignment. I thought that was a lie But no! The REAL Postmaster General of the actual US Government really sent her here, which is great because that means we get this scene: Dear Postmaster Lee, I wanted to make you aware of a situation here at our facility. You sent Kristine North here on special assignment to write letters from Santa to the children of the world. And in doing so, she reminded us that Christmas spirit can live in the most unlikely- Okay, first of all, she's not typing anything close to that. Second of all, the extras... [Drew] Uhm-hmm, yeah. Don't even worry, okay? I'll be right there, I'm wearing tennis shoes. [Drew] I've never walked upstairs before. But it's also just so funny to me how serious this part is. Unfortunately, not everyone understood what Kristi had to offer and sadly that has driven her away. (Drew mimicking lady): Dear Important Government Official! Our boss doesn't like Christmas very much and you should fire him. And so they do! He gets fired. What are you doing? Do you remember when you said that this may be my office one day? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, so speed it up. Yeah, whatever? That day has come. WOOOO Finally, the evil boss has been slain. Way to go post office! But Matt decides to go on tour without Kristi and Kristi realizes she actually does love him, so she and Sally chase after him in the most epic finale scene ever made! I knew I should have learned how to drive! Move over girl, I got this. Move out of the way elf girl! Sally's driving. Wait, that's not Sally! That's just some guy and now it's two guys. Did they not think you could see through the windshield? You just missed them! They packed up the car with everything and it took off just a few minutes ago. Did they leave a phone number or maybe a forwarding address? Did they leave a phone number? Matt has a cell phone that he was just using like two scenes ago. Kristi, it's me. But that's not climactic enough. They've gotta keep chasing after him. Can I get some stamps from you before you go? Mrs. Johnson, thank you and Merry Christmas! Okay, but I asked for stamps. It's weird, in the reflection of the truck it looks like Mrs. Johnson turned into three men. Also now it's dark. How long have they been driving? Follow Rudolph! What are they, nuts? Yeah, who could possibly be driving this truck? It's not like you work at the post office or anything. It's Kristi! Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. KISS. Heatheeeer.... NO! Well, we made it to the last minute of the movie, and it looks like we're finally gonna figure out who Kristi North is. Let's see how they reveal it. Hi Dad! No, I don't think I'll make it home for Christmas *Santa laughs* Oh! Her dad's Santa! Why did they wait until the end of the movie to reveal that? Even Matt is confused by the ending. So uh, when do I get to meet the family? Sometimes family's closer than you think. mmhehhee What? I think it's so fitting that the main character's last line is 'What?' That pretty much sums up the whole movie. And then we transition into the credits with the worst photoshopped pictures I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah, so, so speed it up, yeah? Protagonist has all kinds of choices as far as female companionship but chooses the ditzy one. YIKES! I would have rejected her right away and yielded to the charms of one of the numerous older predatory women, who clearly wanted him and figured he would be easily trained Five out of ten. Well guy, I guess that's pretty much it. Uhm, that's the weirdest Christmas movie I've ever seen. I think it's really funny that Danny and I both made videos about bad Christmas movies at the same time one thing I really liked about his was he made an original song and ended his video with that and it was great and I wasn't going to do that originally, but since he did and I don't want to get one upped. I feel like I have to so here I go 3,4 Mumbling words and you cannot hear them Christmas is here and presents are good. Turn down the music so you can hear me. Wait a second though, if she is Santa Clauses daughter, then that would mean that Mr. and Mrs. Claus-- ...
I watch so many dumb movies and shows with my kids and this video is pretty much how i react to them.
you ruined my favorite Christmas movie! :(