When You See THIS, It's Narcissism, Guaranteed

[Music] if you're trying to figure out if somebody has very strong narcissistic tendencies and they're far down on that spectrum in narcissism there are multiple things that we can watch for you know we talk about they have a real high need to be in control and they're not empathetic people they're exploitive they're manipulative they're entitled they really think a little bit too highly of themselves they have to be superior they're very thin skin all of those are elements of narcissism but then if there's one ingredient that you really want to watch for that says that you're truly dealing with a narcissist and we might call this a ground zero type of ingredient it's simply this they refuse to take responsibility for personal and relational difficulties plain and simple how many of you including myself make mistakes and do things wrong or have some things that just didn't go right inside our relationships or in our emotional reactions and those of us who are responsible will say i own it i did it it happened what can i do to change narcissists though make excuses well the reason it happened is this narcissists will blame shift it's it's it's not my fault it's somebody else narcissists will go into hiding or they'll they'll go into denial they'll defend themselves anything but say i take responsibility for who i am now i want you to think about how many times that you've dealt with that individual and they've said you know i have some some real soul searching i need to do narcissists don't think that way now i want to go through several different key elements that are a part of that responsible reaction to emotional and relational difficulty and i want you to see if any of these match pitch with the narcissist that you deal with first in order to take responsibility for yourself you need to establish your own belief in your capacity to change now little children don't have the capacity to to go all the way into responsibility yet because they're little children you know they they have to be taught right versus wrong but at some point in an individual's development we cross over what we might call into the age of accountability where you're old enough now and whether it's 8 or 18 or 22 i don't know what it would be but at some point in your life you're old enough to say i have the capacity for change i have the capacity to make adjustments and i need to go ahead and take advantage of that and lean into it narcissist it's like they're still back in that toddler time they they they're just kind of uh bumping into one irresponsibility after another almost in an oblivious kind of way and it's almost as though they deny the fact that they have passed into the age of accountability no you need to be accountable not me though uh in addition number two when you are a responsible person you seek to control things from the inside out in other words you know that you have certain elements that require self-restraint that that you need to have insight and internal strength you want to have a sense of knowledge and awareness and wisdom that you operate with that's what i mean when i say you control things from the inside out it's like you know i need to think through who i am and why i do things narcissists they control things from the outside in i need you to act correctly i want you to do this i want this to be different and if this hadn't happened then i would be okay but if this happens i'll be all right and so you notice that they go heavy into that bossy or critical or forceful or demanding kind of way because they don't have an internal locus of control it's all external by the way it sets them up to be highly co-dependent in the way that they do life uh in addition number three when you have a responsibility a sense of responsibility you're just plainly honest about yourself for example if you have anger issues you say it yeah i know sometimes i don't manage my anger correctly i need to look at that or it might be that you have a problem with insecurity and it shows up in the way that you react to people i need to look at that and and i know that sometimes my insecurity takes me in places i really don't want to go or it could be that there was a big blunder or a mistake and in honesty you say yeah that was me the other person may not have done everything i wanted but i participated that's honesty and and it uh you want to have a sense of openness and it leads to a sense of accountability that's what responsible people do how many narcissists do you know that take that kind of pattern and it's like no i'm not gonna be honest about it if i have anger or insecurity or defensive and all that it's not what you think it is and probably it's your fault anyway a fourth element that is required is uh you have to have a well-developed value system or we might say a moral code narcissists have rules and regulations there are certain things you're supposed to do they're supposed to things you better not say or you have to manage it this way but when it comes to having a well-developed value system uh they don't really have a well conceived notion of the whys uh for example if i have a problem with anger my value system says you know i can i can manage my anger in such a way where i still treat other people with respect that's that's part of my value system the narcissist it's like well if you have anger you're supposed to do this you shouldn't have done that and that's about as far as their thinking goes they don't go deep into the why and the meaning and the morality of what they do it's just simply surface narcissists are known for heavy black and white all or nothing thinking and that's it a fifth element that's part of a responsible life is you accept guilt and shame when necessary now we talk about how narcissists love to give shame and put guilt onto you and sometimes you need to learn how to sidestep that simply because that's just one of their manipulative ploys but let's suppose you have done something wrong well speaking personally i want to feel guilty not not long in the sense that it's a restorative kind of emotion when i feel guilt or shame it's like i can do better than that and i know i need to do better than that then it becomes something that makes me a better person and then once that function is done then i get to move on to something else whereas with narcissists they have an odd relationship to guilt and shame it's it's a weapon that they use where they punish and pummel under other individuals that's not responsibility that's their blame shifting side uh in addition number six when you have healthy responsibility you have ongoing learning and insightful plans that you maintain i know that in my 60s now i think differently than i did in my 50s and then i thought differently from my 40s and 30s and 20s as you grow and age and you have more and more experiences you you hopefully can pull those insights together and say i'm learning how to be a better person and you see life is an ongoing growth process it's not just getter done and let's just do things but it's like you know for the rest of my life i know that there are going to be some things that i'm going to need to learn or i'm going to need to refine and adjust what do you think about narcissists do they like to learn and adjust and it's like yeah i need to learn how to tell you about how to do things better and make you do things more out of the way i say i don't think i'm strong enough i'll twist your arm this way different this way this math as far as they go their sense of responsibility does not lead to that kind of ongoing insight and then finally number seven when you have that good insight or excuse me when you have that good responsibility you respect the rights of other individuals uh yeah when there is interpersonal strain and difficulty you realize you know that other person no matter what difficulty we might have had you know they're they're struggling with their life too i want to see if we can create a sense of togetherness and community as much as possible let's see if we can pool our resources so that uh we're not working against each other but there's a and us a feeling of community that's there now i put all these things out and say that's what responsible people do and when you engage with a narcissist it's like nope i don't do that i don't take responsibility for me uh you have to be responsible to make me feel better about my life let's underscore really strongly responsible people don't make excuses responsible people show up responsible people are loyal but not dutiful about their loyalty responsible people genuinely want to know you and how they fit with you responsible individuals know when to lay down their ego responsible people are not afraid of words like i was wrong or please forgive me responsible people don't go around creating divisiveness responsible people don't create drama responsible people are known for having steady emotions because they work at it responsible people don't gripe and criticize and complain excessively responsible people are consistent responsible people are disciplined and most of all responsible people are trustworthy so if you're trying to figure out if this person that you're engaging with is narcissistic or not watch how they respond when it's time for them to say i have to take responsibility um now with them individual responsibility is fleeting at best it's erratic it's consistently inconsistent and you know what it's always someone else's fault isn't it i hope that you can decide well despite their tendency i'm going to take my cues in an opposite kind of way and i am going to be that responsible person to me that would be a very strong indicator that says you've got this narcissism pattern figured out and you're moving in the right direction i do hope that videos such as this give you good insight and awareness and some things to really concentrate on in your own personal life if you've not already done so i would encourage you to hit that subscribe button it may be that you know that you need some counseling and if you have someone in your general area that you could go to i would encourage you to go do so and make sure that you're in a working mode with regard to self-improvement if you don't have someone or if you'd rather have someone online we've vetted a group that can help you in online counseling we have a link below this video that can take you to that place in addition we have our websites surviving narcissism.tv as well as doctorlesscarter.com we have links to our library which takes to our books we have online video workshops whole bunch of stuff down there coffee mugs even we need to be responsible uh each individual has their own combination of highs and lows and those of us who grow those of us who are trying to make a positive difference take ownership of our humanity and then we do something in a healthy way about it that being the case i'm hoping that you as you lean into your responsibility will be someone that thinks communally you think in ways of being a healing presence and i hope that in doing so you're able to consistently find your place of peace

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 702,296

Rating: 4.9574862 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, malignant narcissism, covert narcissism, Dr. Les Carter, gaslighting, anger

Id: OnSsx8ifAH8

Length: 12min 37sec (757 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 08 2020