The Silent Language Of Covert Narcissism

[Music] i know many of you could say very strongly that you feel worn out by the controllers in your life which is why i put together the workshop the course free to be we have a link below that will take you to the information that can tell you all about that it's very expensive and if that's something that would be of interest to you i would invite you to go below and click that link and you'll find the information that will uh explain to you the course free to be i want to begin today with a statement and you see if you can agree with me on this and that statement is there is no such thing as no communication you know so many times i hear people come into my office or elsewhere and they say things like well i have this broken relationship with this individual and we're just not communicating whether it's with an ex-spouse who's very difficult to engage with or someone that you've worked with or someone inside your extended family you can think you know that person is just they won't say anything to me or i try to talk with them and it goes absolutely nowhere we just can't communicate but then i go back to that statement well actually there's no such thing as no communication you see communication can happen in many ways beyond just exchanges of words and that's something that narcissists especially the covert narcissists have figured out and they will use that to their advantage left and right and it's very important for you to understand that dynamic now let's keep in mind that overt narcissists they leave nothing to the imagination you know they want to be in control they want to be superior they'll dismiss you if you disagree with them they have a strong attitude of entitlement they can be manipulative exploitive they don't care about your feelings at all and when you're in those people's presence it doesn't take much time for those kind of ingredients to show up the covert narcissist however has thought you know there's a different way that i can go about doing that and i'm going to be less vulnerable and in doing so i can actually have more power and so they develop what i call the silent language of narcissism it's like well i'm going to let you know exactly how poorly i think of you i'm just not going to put it into words and that way i'm not going to leave any kind of trail there where i can be held accountable and they they are every bit as self-absorbed as the brash grandiose over narcissus but they're much more difficult to pin down now i want to first of all start with with certain ingredients that they actually have inside of their personalities and then i want to go second into some of the actual communications that you can read between the lines and understand that come along with these ingredients when you have somebody that has covert narcissism they're going to be much more under the radar in the way that they show their self absorption for example they can just be the ultimate disinterested person they can be in attentive toward you they can deem you to be irrelevant if you say something it's like you don't matter or they can have a real low regard for you and your opinions and they can show very low concern whatsoever for your well-being that ever happened with you they can be cold and aloof or they can be highly avoidance like where'd they go or you know they just seem to have such a condescending attitude towards me they can be forgetful it's like oh you told me that i'm sorry i forgot but in doing so they're communicating something they can be emotionally unavailable or quietly self-indulgent they can have bland facial expressions they can be non-affectionate or they give no affirmation they can have an air of sarcasm in the way that they engage with people they can be super defensive i mean you cannot penetrate in their hearts and minds that's those are some of the ingredients that the covert narcissist will carry and you're over there thinking man we're just not communicating and i go back and say oh yes yes you are and then the covert narcissism is saying a whole lot they may not be using actual words but uh something is being said in their silent forms of interaction with you now i want you to i'm going to give you quite a few different things that typically are being conveyed or communicated silently by that covert narcissist as they engage with you in their passive aggressive approach toward life and as i'm going through this i want you to think have you ever felt like this was what they would say if they could actually articulate what's going on they'll never say it but i wonder if you can see if that's this is something you've ever run across for example when these covert narcissists go into those uh those silent forms of non-communication communication basically what they're conveying is you mean nothing to me or i'm the only one in the equation that really matters haven't you figured that out yet or uh connecting with people and it takes too much energy i don't want to be bothered that's what they're communicating or they're also communicating if you think that i'm going to cooperate think again or they can be communicating i'm angry i'm really angry at you and they can hold a lot of bitterness and resentment they can also be conveying and i also feel wounded but i'm never going to admit that i'm not going to give you that satisfaction they can be communicating i actually feel rather inadequate about my relationship skills many of them harbor in internal feelings of insecurity but then the next thing they communicate is but it's a whole lot easier to just say it's your fault if i don't communicate well with you or in addition these covert narcissists they like to communicate silently i like people i like keeping people guessing about me i like feeling uh in power and i love that feeling of power that i get when when i'm a mysterious individual that's pretty cool that's what they're committing they're communicating or they're also conveying if anyone has rejected me screw you although they tend not to say it quite that politely not that that's terribly polite anyway or in addition covert narcissist through their silence can say i just enjoy watching people scramble when i sabotage their good plans yeah it's kind of fun i'm having a good time or they're communicating i really want to be free from any obligations you may think that you're going to place on me so give it a try because it's not going to work or they can communicate i don't trust you i don't trust you or anyone else that's just not something i do i'm not gonna make the effort to uh to go over that bridge with anyone or they can communicate no one and i mean no one tells me what to think say or do not gonna happen or i get a charge when i see how frustrated you feel it's kind of like a game to me you're a game to me and then they're also communicating i'm not gonna necessarily tell you a lie but i'm not all that committed to honesty either that's part of the silent language of the covert narcissist now as i'm saying all of this i'm guessing that many of you are kind of nodding your head thinking yep that's exactly what i've experienced and interestingly you can have some people who are sometimes that overt obnoxious uh narcissists that they're they're just pushy and loud and over over the top but then sometimes they can just swing and go to the covert side and they can shift gears and it's kind of it's what i call the chameleon effect any way you look at it though these are the the messages and the genius i say that in quotation marks the genius of this uh style or strategy that they use is that they can say to you if you try to call them out i never said that you got me wrong and so they can't be held under any kind of scrutiny because if you say look this is what i am feeling from you or this is what i sense that you're trying to tell me they can just kind of look at you and say no you got it wrong once again you don't know what you're talking about i'm the nicest person you ever met so if there's a problem here it sure isn't me that's the way that covert narcissists play the game now let's understand that these individuals are very fear based they're driven by that fear they they've determined that being open and letting people know who they really are and what they think really is a giving up of power but if you're a healthy individual it's like i don't want my relationship to be power-based anyway but that's how they think they they think in terms of winners and losers and they don't want to be the loser so they're going to win and they win by trying to make you feel inadequate but in general pessimism and futility is simply what drives them uh they have no good re or no good thought about creating well-being inside their primary relationships a long time ago they decided no that's an elusive dream it's just not going to happen so if that's the case at least i need to be on the top of the stack when everything comes down now understanding that let's just kind of go with the notion that says you want to have the least amount of connection with these people as possible and i know sometimes you just can't get rid of them if people say or can't get away from them people say well i just go no contact well sometimes you need to other times they're there and and you can't help but just have interactions with them but at the very least make sure that your personal plans or even things like your schedule or business transactions and things of that nature have the least amount of connection to these people because they they love being in the position of control and if they can do it in a covert way that just leaves you feeling that much more um you know just agitated and they're over there just gloating thinking oh i'm having so much fun today now that being the case i'm hoping that instead you can decide well i'm going to listen to my own inner council and live according to my basic principles and then as much as possible i'm going to try to make sure that i connect with people that know how to handle relationships in a much cleaner way i don't need to be a part of their power plays that they do in this passive aggressive covert style of self-absorption and control now let's let's close with one huge thought and that is the best way for you to be in control with these covert narcissists is to refuse to even attempt to play their control games the best way to be in control is just quit trying to be in control and in doing so be who you are that's your superpower and i'm hoping that you can live in the calm confidence that would underlie that approach i do hope that you get good benefit from videos such as this if you've not already done so i would encourage you to go beneath the video and hit that subscribe button we also have an email list that allows you to have extras that we have and we'll keep things coming at you with promotions and things of that nature if you have a need for counseling we have a trusted sponsor uh that we have vetted and we have a link below that would take you to some online counseling and if that's something you could use i would strongly encourage you to do so in addition i want you to check out my free to be a workshop course it's a very extensive and it's all about dealing with the controllers in your life and how you can understand what their games are and stay out of that if that's something you would be interested in we have a link below for that we also have our other website survivingnarcissism.tv.lescarter.com links below to books and other kind of resources we're here to be of help to you just know that covert narcissist can be some of the most difficult people on the planet to deal with but once you're on to it once you see what it is and you can see behind the scenes i'm hoping you can devise your strategy that says i'm not playing their game anymore i'm quite i'm quite okay with me being what i am and in doing so i hope that you can live a life that's anchored in calm confidence

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 532,821

Keywords: narcissism, covert narcissism, Dr. Les Carter, narcissistic personality disorder, passive aggressive, controlling people

Id: UogwCPDccFI

Length: 13min 20sec (800 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 07 2020