7 Comments That Easily Trigger A Narcissist's Anger

so let's start with a plain acknowledgement that i'm sure most of you would nod your head and say yeah i've had that happen and that is if you have an ongoing relationship with a narcissist you're also going to bump into their anger just plain and simple they just can't stop themselves let's keep in mind that narcissism is a pattern on a spectrum and it implies they have a high need to be in control and low levels of empathy they have an attitude of entitlement they're very thin skin they can be manipulative they want to be the special one in the group and let's also recognize that every one of us can have some some inclination toward that narcissistic bent the healthy ones among us we see it we acknowledge it and we we try to keep it contained narcissists though they can just run with it to where it becomes a way of life for them well in the same vein anger can be seen as being a pattern on a spectrum we all have moments where we want to stand up for ourselves in self-preservation of our worth and our needs and our convictions healthy individuals can keep it down on the low end of the spectrum we we need to we go ahead and stand up for what we need to stand up for and then we can uh keep it at that level and be clean and appropriate it's called having good boundaries narcissists though they tend to run with their anger and it becomes openly aggressive where they can have rages and very inappropriate kind of reactions sometimes they can go into deep passive aggressiveness etc and it's interesting the the pattern of narcissism and and how far it goes down on the spectrum tends to run very parallel to the pattern of anger and it's uh running down the far side far end of the scale uh they they tend to go hand in hand with each other now today i want to talk about some some common comments that you might make with a narcissist that will bring that anger out and as i go through these i have seven that i've identified there's pl there are plenty more by the way but i want you to just kind of be aware of when their anger comes out in reaction to these comments i'm hoping that you understand what's behind that so that you don't get sucked in unnecessarily to their uh unhealthy games for example the the first uh comment that i want us to look at and that is it may be that you'll say to that narcissist you know you have some serious control issues now watch that person squirm when you say that and i find it really interesting that that most narcissists find that to be highly offensive to the point where it charges their anger you see the implication is when you tell them that they have control issues they find that to be insulting like i don't want anybody to tell me i have control issues because deep down on the inside they know that's not a good way to do life now the fact that they're highly controlling the fact that they are offended by you calling them controlling shows that they have an ace an astonishing lack of self-awareness but uh but you can see that they don't understand uh how their control comes across and uh and as a result if you call them out on it they're just gonna be terribly offended i remember one woman the husband was in my office and he was talking to her and he said that phrase you have some serious control issues and sh she actually she pointed her finger now think about it as a fist with a finger pointed out you know she was just kind of doing this and she spoke to him in a very stern way and she said oh no i am not a controlling person in fact i am the least controlling person you have ever met i'm sitting here thinking wow talk about a lack of awareness but she was offended by that she wanted to be known as being a pleasant and friendly kind of an individual so but just the suggestion uh of control was all it took to get her off into her place of anger in other words very low self-awareness or a second common phrase that you might say and that is i'd like for you to listen to my perspective now again that's a very fair thing and when you have two people in a relationship they're going to be times when your perspectives are different and not turnabout's fair play you say what you need to say i'll say what i need to say another illustration i had a woman in my office and she was speaking to her husband who was highly controlling to the point where he ran people off left and right and she they were talking about something and she just said can i just share my perspective i want you to hear what i have to say and he looked at her and said i don't need your perspective well when he said that i i paused him and i said well let's look at something here and as soon as i said that he started wagging his finger at me and he just said don't go there don't go there and i said well she has asked to have the opportunity to share her perspective i think that's fair and he just said don't go there don't go there and it's like the anger and the bitterness that started welling up inside of him toward me as well as toward her indicates that uh there's there's so much of a there's such a deep insecurity inside a person like that that the anger is the cover for their insecurities like i i don't know what to do with someone else's perspective it's too much for my mind to manage or how about a third common comment and that is it may be that the narcissist has been going on and on about whatever it is they're pontificating about and then so finally you say we've already talked about this and you may say it just kind of like that that's enough that can trigger the narcissist's anger because they're going to take that as you trying to shut them down or they may take it as you saying you're very dense and so in instead of saying wait a minute if we've already talked about this i guess i need to let you have some space to think things through right is there something else that we need to discuss that's going to be new they can't do that they're very close-minded they don't want to hear anything other than their own words and if they just go into the ramble mode then they want to have the right to do that there's going to ramble on and on so if you say stop we've already talked about this it's like uh now you're just gonna get an extra dose of it now how about a fourth common uh phrase that you might make and and this one i recommend you don't do this but nonetheless you you may have said this and that is do you honestly think that i'm that stupid have you ever said that or have you thought about saying that to the narcissist when you say that there's a real high or think it there's a real high probability that they've been just pushing their authority on you and letting you know that you don't make any sense whatsoever and finally you're fed up with it and so you bank that comment you think i'm that stupid they're gonna take that as a challenge to their authority and uh they're they're gonna think well you know what uh since since uh you're asking me that actually i do think you're that stupid because my word is the only one that counts around here and it it it will eventually reveal their anger will reveal their need to stay in the superior position at all times that's how they think that's how they operate or how about a fifth one and that is um let's talk about the last time you made a major blunder and so what you're wanting to do by making that statement is you wanted to even the playing field uh you're probably feeling like there's a lot of blame and shame and accusation coming your way and so it's like well as long as we're talking about mistakes let's talk about yours too and it's like oh no you're not allowed to talk to me and that's their wall of defensiveness they have to keep up the veneer of the the good person there we call it their false self and so if there's any anything going wrong it has to be you and so if you want to just say well i know i make mistakes but you do too their only response is okay this is now a contest game on and you are going to lose nobody gets to talk to me about my mistakes i get to talk about yours but that's a different kind of thing big double standard there or how about a sixth comment and again i don't recommend you asking this but here it is and that is what's wrong with you anyway have you ever had a time when that narcissistic person just wouldn't leave well enough alone and finally you just blurt that out what is wrong with you never in the history of humanity has a person given an excellent uh response to that question well what's wrong with me is i have a lot of insecurity and i'm trying to make myself sound smarter than i really am that would be an honest answer you won't hear that so when you say what is wrong with you uh what you're what you're actually saying is i see you as being a very uninsightful person which would probably be accurate don't you hear don't you see how inappropriate you are and they just interpret that as you're trying to put them in the inferior position and it's not going to lead to any kind of good discussion at all it's only going to lead to an increased intensity of the argument and you're not going to come out very good on that or how about a seventh comment and that is i don't know if i can keep doing this and it may be that you're saying that with a great deal of exasperation and perhaps some truth as well now that's usually going to bring the narcissist anger out because it's like you're trying to say when the relationship might come to a close or at least when the conversation might come to a close it's like no no i get to decide those kind of things and so they have to be in charge it's your way of saying i'm ready to find the exit and their response is well if anybody finds the ever the exit it's going to be me running away from you because that means i win because you're the you're the lesser and they have this twisted kind of logic that goes with it it's kind of crazy isn't it and i'm sure that you could probably add more comments that bring out their anger and if you want to put some of them in the comments section i suspect that a whole lot of people would like to see that and see what you've been up against now let's go back and understand there is a healthy and clean form of anger it's it's good to establish your boundaries your stipulations and let it be known what you will and will not put up with and you want to try to speak into your self-preservation needs in a clean kind of way but just understand the the nature of narcissism is such that they're not able to to do that in a clean way with you and so they've got an unhealthy self-absorption which leads to an unhealthy form of anger i'm hoping that instead of getting swept into their lack of maturity you can have a clean sense of assertiveness that says i'm going to stand for who i am and what i believe in i'm going to establish my boundaries where necessary and then if you want to be triggered to have the anger i'm not running into that and i'm not gonna go down that ditch with you uh there there's just gonna be a time when it's light well nonetheless i'm standing firm on where i am and you don't really get caught up in all of the circular arguments that go along with their lack of maturity so basically i'm going to do what's fair and appropriate and if you choose not to then that means that i'm going to also have to take a lot of thought about the future of our relationship because i'm not going to be close with somebody who just doesn't know how to manage conflict well at all so we'll have to just kind of take that question as it comes as well i do hope that you get good insight and awareness through videos such as this if you've not already done so i would encourage you to hit that subscribe button right below and we'll keep you apprised of more videos that come our way many times when you hear videos such as this it stirs up thoughts and questions that you'd like to discuss with a counselor and if you have someone in your area that you can go to counseling to i would encourage you to do so and in doing so help yourself in the growth process if you don't have someone nearby we've added a group that they can help you online and right now online counseling is where it's at there's so many people that have found benefit from that so we have a link below that can take you there in addition we have links to our library that gets you to our books we have online workshops and then also our surviving narcissism.tv website mydoctorlesscarter.com website plenty of resources there i'm hoping that you can look more carefully into the way that you manage anger so that uh your non-narcissistic side can stay intact and when that narcissist comes in with their unhealthy anger and all the rage that can come along with it it's like you know what i'm not joining in that crazy show i'm not going to do that i i'm committed to my dignity my respect and civility that's how i live if you choose not to live with me in that way then i i need to i need to move away and join with people that know how to handle life in a much more clean way i want you to have steadiness and i want you to have your your sense of peace

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 207,627

Rating: 4.9390178 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, anger, Dr. Les Carter, covert narcissism, gaslighting, passive aggressive

Id: -HkbTJHTh84

Length: 13min 34sec (814 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 17 2020