9 Very Subtle Signs Of Covert Narcissism

[Music] as you're trying to make sense of this whole topic of narcissism it's very important for us to understand what it means to have covert narcissism now some people in there need to be in control and their lack of empathy that you're just so out in the open with it that they leave little to the imagination they can be bossy and forceful and all the rest other times though people aren't going to be quite that vulnerable in the way that they present themselves and so they go more in the covert direction by the way sometimes people ask the question can a person be both overly narcissistic and covertly narcissistic and the answer is oh yeah just like somebody can sometimes be overtly angry and then they they suppress their anger we can have all sorts of inclinations with respect to this but when we talk about covert narcissists we talk about people who want to be in control but they want to also have the least amount of personal vulnerability as they're trying to control you and so they can dress up themselves in the way that they engage with you in such a way that might imply that they're really nice and decent and all but the the deeper you look into it it's like uh something's going wrong is going on here and you realize uh they're constantly angling for the superior position so i want to kind of i want to talk with you today about nine subtle ways that covert narcissists can play this out in their engagements with you and i want to see if you can uh think about some of these as they might apply in your life now the first thing i'm going to mention is covert narcissist can sometimes be inclined towards humble bragging now narcissists want to feel special right they want to let it be known well i'm pretty unique and i'm above everybody else but the covert narcissist isn't going to be quite that blatant so as an example let's suppose you give that person a phone call and then they answer and you say hey did i catch it a good time and then they might say something like yeah later on today i'm going to be talking to this person about this really huge project i'm working on and they needed me to come in and kind of give my expertise and i'm gonna go ahead and give them some advice this is a big deal so but right now i do have some time and so they uh it's without even you asking it's like well let me tell you something really extra special about me or it may be that they'll say something like well i just got off the phone with junior's teacher and junior is just so ahead of all the other kids in his age range and so they're they're trying to come up with some things that are going to keep him stimulated i think we're going to do a b and c with him so but yeah i've got some time to talk with you and so they they throw out this uh this kind of bragging in sort of a comment uh a conversational kind of way but in doing so it's like uh just keep in mind you're talking with somebody who's really important okay now a second way the coverts might show themselves to have that narcissism is through uh what we would call being overly virtuous now in this case you may have somebody that that seems to pride themselves on giving very helpful often morally based uh platitudes toward you that you didn't really ask for let's suppose that you're talking about a strain inside your extended family and so this overly virtuous kind of person says well when you nurture and admonish one another with love and kindness good things are going to happen so i hope that that's going to be something that that you'll remember and these are also the kind of people that like to load up their uh social media with all of these uh you know this is the way to do life wonderful and they tend to have these really shallow bullet point kind of things and you know sometimes it's not terrible stuff that they say but in doing so they overlook you uh they overlook what you feel and what you're going through it's not there's no empathy uh these narcissistic kind of individuals who do this highly virtualistic uh you know platitude giving they're basically saying i don't really care about who you are and what you feel just get inside my groups and here's what the grooves are isn't it fluffy and wonderful okay now a third way that you can notice covert narcissism is people who are really friendly but with little real follow-through now do you ever notice do you know some people that when they see it's like oh there you are it's been so long since i've talked with you tell me how are you you're so wonderful and they say all sorts of nice things and how's the how's the vacation or how's the little junior going and then they just kind of get into it it's like man they're really into me and then you realize yeah but when when they leave it's like i never hear from them again they'll they'll say the uh the quintessential let's do lunch sometime we need to catch up with each other and then they don't and they go into the ghosting mode and then you realize all of this friendliness and gregariousness is about themselves it's like i want you to walk away thinking wow what a neat wonderful person when in fact it's all superficial and frankly there's a manipulative element there they want everybody to walk away thinking look how terrific and better than this person actually is or a fourth way that you can pick up on covert narcissism and that is they're eager to hear about your problems but they won't reveal their problems in reverse see let's keep in mind in healthy relationships there's this you know back and forth one another kind of a mentality that we can get into i'll share with you who i am and you share with me who you are narcissists though don't do that they're they relate as data collectors they like to find out the dirt or the grunge on you so that they can feel superior and that being the case they don't want to let you know they're gross now they have it but they're not about to go into it but particularly not voluntarily and as a result you uh you see that they they're just trying to figure out how to live in an unblemished kind of a way keep up a reputation that's better than it really needs to be because that's so important to them or right along with that a fifth way that you can pick up on covert narcissism is they're unable to engage very deeply at all with people who are too other and when i say other their belief systems don't align or they have lifestyle practices that they don't care for in other words they're not in the club and this implies that these covert narcissists have a very tight agenda there's a certain way things are supposed to be that's their control mentality and if you're not in my club then i just don't want to waste my time on you uh they don't even uh no they don't even engage with the thought that says you know maybe i could learn something and it could stretch and it's like no i don't need to do that or a sixth way that you can pick up on covert narcissism this kind of goes right along with it they don't really have curiosity at a deeper level about others different beliefs or preferences or experiences let's suppose that you are talking about some things that have happened with a family member that have been kind of difficult and they're thinking i i don't feel comfortable with that so they don't ask about it or you have political beliefs or you have lifestyle habits maybe you like different kind of music it's like i don't need to get into that with you they don't have a a sense of curiosity which implies a hidden sense of judgment toward you now a seventh one this kind of takes us in a different direction is uh they have time management of their own nature now some of these covered narcissists are real erratic and uh they say they're gonna do something and then then they don't you know they procrastinate or uh they're always the same amount of late everywhere they go other times they're so rigid with respect to their time management that uh it's like no it has to be exactly a certain kind of way but either way it's it implies there's a lack of coordination rather than thinking well i have my time and and the requirements that go into that in terms of taking care of life but i know you have yours too let's talk about how we can blend that there is no blending it's all about me okay now an eighth uh way that you can pick up on covert narcissism and that is they're constantly wondering how they come across to other individuals and you may kind of get the sense that they're thinking hey did did people seem to like that or did i do okay or do people feel you know fill in the blank about me that i'm smart or that i'm appealing or that i'm popular or that i'm unique and they just kind of have to have that that extra amount of pats on the back and again this implies that they want to be in the entitled favored position they're just not saying it quite as blatantly as the overt narcissist would and then a ninth way that you can pick up on uh covert narcissism and that is they don't want to receive feedback from you no matter how diplomatically you may give it they just don't want to know if you are not just upset but if you just think differently it's like no i don't need to do that and in fact if you try to talk with them about how well we were approaching it this way but i noticed that you had these uh thoughts that were differently could we try to blend their attitude is almost like how dare you i mean you got your facts wrong you can't talk to me that way and so they don't really want to receive any kind of input whereas the healthy person says sure if you see things differently from me then we need to coordinate and besides i like uh learning and stretching anyway let's let's go there so uh let's let's acknowledge that there are different ways that people can try to be in control and it doesn't always come across in that forceful overwhelming kind of way sometimes they have these uh passive stubborn kinds of ways of doing things that can be dressed up to look much more pretty than it actually is and by the way some of you may be thinking hey carter this sounds a whole lot like gaslighting too and by all means people who are in this covert narcissism pattern tend to have a lot of gaslighting tendencies we've talked about that in other videos as well so let's conclude with this just keep in mind that uh when you're dealing with someone who has these covert narcissistic patterns you're dealing with someone who only wants to stay in the shallow end of the pool they don't want to know you at a very deep level so if you're going to have any kind of satisfaction in life you're going to need to understand them for what they are and recognize that they're extremely limited in what they can bring to the equation and then i'm hoping that you'll become motivated to find other individuals that you can invest in who really know how to do relationships in a meaningful way these folks it's not going to happen now i do hope that information such such as this gives you good insight and awareness as to what you're dealing with if you've not already done so i would encourage you to hit that subscribe button and we'll keep more videos coming your way sometimes when you uh have videos like this it uh dredges up some sort of thoughts and feelings that you might want to talk out with a licensed professional counselor all my career i've had people that i have been able to refer to and right now online counseling is very popular and so we have a vetted a trusted sponsor we have a link below if you need some online counseling i would encourage you it's very popular right now but i would encourage you to go ahead and get the help that you need and deserve and i'm hoping that would be something that could help you move forward in these efforts in addition we have my online video workshops we have our uh website surviving narcissism dot tv we got a lot of stuff going on on that website and also my dr les carter and then uh we also have links to the library that has our books and even coffee mugs i do hope that as you understand what covert narcissism is all about and you're able to pick up on all the little schemes that are part of it it's going to translate into wisdom and then that wisdom is going to allow you to proceed with your own sense of calm firmness and you're going to have a resolve that says i'm not getting pulled into someone else's shallow way of dealing with things i want to go into a way that's going to be much more impactful and much more meaningful i'm hoping that that's the path you'll take [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 256,399

Rating: 4.9422541 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, covert narcissism, gaslighting, Dr. Les Carter, anger

Id: FzO4-HDs3sw

Length: 12min 58sec (778 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 03 2020