One Factor That Will Release You From A Narcissist's Grip

[Music] if you've had ongoing exposure with a narcissus that's just gonna be there they're ever they're a part of your life whether it's inside your your immediate family your extended family it might be in your social circles or workplaces or organizations there's that person that you just can't get away from I know a lot of folks you say well go with no contact well if possible that might be a good thing but what if you can't well you know that when you're around that person they're gonna work really hard to try to get a grip on you and keep you inside their clutches and there's there's this gamesmanship that begins to go on between they're craving to be in control and your desire to be free and they don't want that for you they want to have control over you they want to train you or teach you to filter your decisions through them so that any distinction or uniqueness that you might have is going to be squelched and and then you're just going to become a compliant person who lives inside their grip that's that sound to you Gatsby that doesn't sound like a good way to live but these are manipulators and they have all sorts of ways to try to hold you into their grip and let me see if I can run through some behaviors or attitudes that they have and you tell you see if this makes any kind of sense incise is something that you can identify with for example narcissists want to keep a grip on you by making you feel foolish for thinking as you do they don't want to keep a grip on you by insisting that you have to justify the decisions that you make and then when you do they'll invalidate you they try to keep a grip on you by isolating you from other individuals making it difficult for you to have your own separate life they want to keep a grip on you by punishing you with strong anger it's their way of saying I'm gonna wear you out sometimes they'll try to hold a grip on you by punishing you with silence shunning or withdrawal sometimes they try to keep that grip on you by threatening to speak early about you toward other individuals mini-trial will try to keep a grip on you by playing games with money and possessions sometimes they try to keep that grip on you by sabotaging shared relationships or seeming shared responsibilities that you have with them you know you're supposed to do things my way but I don't have to do things your way and then they try to make you look foolish if that's a possibility for them sometimes they try to keep that grip on you by just simply criticizing you and second-guessing the many decisions that you have to make and I know that if you're in that battle for the control that they have it can just bring out the worst in you and of course they love that because even if you're not fully complying as long as you're playing the game by arguing or complaining or griping or going into your hole of strain and tension they're thinking okay that's good because I'm in charge look how ineffective you are with life they love it it feeds their supply it makes them feel like somehow or another they're winning okay so they're winning now obviously you want to be free from that kind of narcissistic grip and and you don't want to have to filter everything through them so there's one huge factor that I want to see if I can flesh out with you here today so that you can get away from the narcissist grip and on the surface it can sound a bit simple but then I think as we look more fully into it we're going to see that it has many different implications for you and that one factor is simply this I'm hoping that you can be true to your real self see let's keep in mind that inside relationships with the narcissist is a lot of falsehood the narcissist is is telling their own selves supplies it's like they can't be honest about who they really are they keep up this false veneer about how they do life and how wonderful they are and how you're supposed to just fall in line with them and they can't admit their own frailty and her feelings of inadequacy and then you as you respond back you wind up living a false self it's like well I can't afford to let them know what I think I don't have any feeling of freedom I've got to just uh stay inside their agenda no I'm hoping that you can decide that's their game that's how they have their grip on me but that's not my game now there's a very simple phrase that kind of goes along with this that I want to see if we can unpack and that phrase is simply this you are you now simple isn't it but let's think about some implications you are you the narcissist doesn't get to determine who you are you are you you're not required to justify making the decisions that you make you are you you're not very effective pretended to be somebody that you're not you are you if a narcissist attempts to hold you down by mistakes that you've made in the past you get to live in forgiveness and self-acceptance you are you you can own your life's experiences both good and bad or otherwise you are you you get to be honest about what you feel and what you think you are you when it's clear that the narcissist wants to squelch your plans you can state that's the decision I've made you are you when necessary you can determine to alter your life's course you may wind up going in a way that's not the same path as the narcissist you are you you get to decide who and with whom and where and how you get to do life you are you every day you get to stand upon your own worth and you get to live into it you are you do you believe that I don't want to be in the narcissus version of who they think I'm gonna be I get to do that for myself now there's actually a three-fold little tactic that I want you to take so that you can learn how to take this mindset that I'm discussing with you and put it into full play okay so I don't always give a little homework assignments but I want you to see if you can do something here pull out for yourself and and see if this will make a difference three things one I think it would be interesting for you to just take a little bit of time and make a list list out the traits and the characteristics that you would like to be known for and make it a thorough list don't list out three or four list out fifteen or twenty characteristics I want to be known as somebody who's decisive or patient or understanding or respectful those kind of things now the first few are going to be easy but I want you to continue on and I make it a good thorough list and write it down and just kind of hold on to it second I want you to identify five or six common scenarios where the narcissist tries to step in and put that grip on you and then as you recognize those five or six common scenarios then I want you to go back in your mind to those characteristics that you just wrote down in those moments where the narcissist is trying to force me into their game plan what does it mean for mean for me to be me okay you've got a definition you've got the traits that you want to have in your life what how is that going to play out in those five or six scenarios and then the third step is as you're living out your better plan you're allowing yourself to be you give yourself small increments of time to be your own separate free distinct person as an example the narcissist has that grip on your or they're trying to get that grip on you and you've decided I'm gonna live with decisiveness and they're coming at you with their battering rams and it's kind of hard to think I've got the rest of my life to be decisive with this we'll break it down to a small increment of time I can be decisive for one hour it's so from let's say 9 o'clock to ten o'clock that person's trying to fit me into a mold well between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock I'm going to be decisive or it may be that you've decided you're gonna be self-respecting okay from 1 o'clock to 2 o'clock that's my game plan and at 2:01 I'm not sure what I'm gonna do because I'm not there yet but I'm gonna give myself a period of time where I know that I can pull this off and what I'm hoping is that you can give yourself enough have it to where you can do this in small increments of time so that it's going to be something that's there for a longer and more extended period of time the narcissist wants to hold on to you they want to make you be what they say you're supposed to be but as we've said you are you you get to decide who you're gonna be and I'm hoping that as you have this this planning and this mindset that says I have a good idea of what healthy living looks like I know some of the scenarios where I need to put that into play and then I'm going to to give myself the practice of living out my goodness my me-ness in small increments of time that eventually you're going to be able to slip out of that grip that they have and you get to live into the kind of lifestyle that you know is wisest and best for you and if they don't agree then they don't agree now you may not be able to make peace with that gripping narcissist who's trying to hold you down but my hope is that your primary focus is for you to make peace with yourself you are you I'm hoping that's a sufficient statement that you can cling to and live out in every sense of the word phrase and with every implication of what that can mean for you are you willing to think that way and then be that way I do hope that you find videos such as this to be helpful I really do take it seriously how when I say I'm like being on your journey with you I know plenty of you are trying to come to terms with what it means to deal with that narcissistic individual and really what it comes down to is you want to have that sense of dignity and respect and civility toward yourself and that's something that I'm hoping that you can learn to lean into quite well if you've not done so already I would invite you to hit that subscribe button below also beneath you're going to see links to various things so we have an email list that I would encourage you to check that link so you can be apprised of bonus videos and articles and promotions if you're in need for online counseling if you want somebody that can can help you sift this out and you don't have an availability we have a link for people that can help you with some online counseling I'm hoping if that's something you want to do that you would find that to be a good resource for you we also have links to my books by online workshops and we even have coffee mugs so just know that I'm pulling for you I want you to find peace I want you to find you be true to who you are [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 679,845

Keywords: narcissist, narcissism, les carter, pxychology, relationships, self help, mental health, controlling people, narcissistic personality disorder

Id: KDjd7NiwULw

Length: 12min 31sec (751 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 02 2019