The Cowardly Side Of Narcissism

[Music] i want to talk with you today about a characteristic that's rather difficult for us to get into because it has such an edgy feel to it and it's one of these characteristics that nobody wants to have associated with themselves it's the trade of cowardice do you ever think of a narcissist as having cowardly tendencies now often we think of cowardice in the in the context of physical peril let's say there's some sort of disaster that may be there or in the battle scene something like that and the person that has cowardice rather than moving in and trying to be a part of the assistance or part of the helpfulness they take off and run for the hills and fear overwhelms them to the extent that they leave people in the lurch and they do no one any good favors because fear has so gripped them well in the psychological context we're going to have conflict and we're going to have stress and strain a person who responds psychologically with cowardice uh can fit the definition that says cowardice is the lack of courage to confront or to step into difficult or potentially painful circumstances you know when you have an ongoing relationship with someone whether it's someone that you work with in a regular basis or social settings or extended family or your partner or your children there's just going to be some moments where it's not very pleasant and you have to sit down and and talk things out or you have to confront some difficult situations and challenges healthy people say okay they told me that this day was going to come and here we are where do we need to go how do we need to proceed how can i be of a part of the healthiness that we're gonna apply to this let's figure this out the cowardly individual is like no that makes me feel uncomfortable i don't like that i don't i don't want to have pain and so they'll do anything and everything except go in to that situation in a constructive way now interestingly narcissists initially anyway can come across as smug and very self-assured and and they've got all their opinions and ideas about how things are going to go or at least they give the impression that they're above some of the stress and strain but beneath the surface make no mistake these individuals are driven by fear remember one of the things that i talk about is the false persona that narcissists maintain they want you to think that they're superior and they're above everything and they can be in control they should be in control when in fact beneath the surface is a little boy or a little girl who's learned that the world is an unhealthy or an unsafe place at least to them or an uninviting kind of place and they have to be on top of it at all times now let me give you an idea of what i'm talking about just some some illustrations i've had so many people talk to me about when a difficulty comes up inside a family or a friendship that cowardly narcissist is just nowhere to be found uh for example i've talked with people that there's been a death in the family or there's been a real difficult situation with respect to you know some sort of a controversial thing inside the the family and the cowardly person's like i don't like to get into that kind of stuff that just makes me feel uncomfortable and so they just they they just no shows with stuff like that or other people they kind of go in the opposite direction when a strain or a difficulty comes along and we really need to sit down and talk this thing through in a very clear way these individuals in their cowardice they rather than saying okay i'm in let's figure this out they they they're extremely disruptive and it's their way of saying if there's a problem i'm not going to let anybody insinuate that i'm part of the problem and and they make it all about themselves and in doing so they just make it worse and it's their fear of being pinned down or found out that that drives them to be a distracting feature inside that conflict or another one and this is a really rough one when there's already a problem let's say there's been a divorce or a business breakup or a friendship that didn't go well then the person who has cowardice can take the situation and make it worse by pulling in innocent people uh to their side so to speak and making other individuals look badly for example in uh one a very common thing that i see is in divorce uh we have parental alienation where one parent hates the other parent and so they teach the children to hate that person or they they go and do a smear campaign about the other person behind their back that's cowardice why do you need to do that you know in a healthy situation you could say well okay unfortunately we got a divorce we had a breakup let's at least not take care of the situation in front of us in such a way where other people aren't hurt along with it they can't do that it's like i have to win and if i've got to bring other people down with me so be it that's what i'll do or it could be that that there's a soft or a tender situation that requires some attention maybe somebody's really struggling and hurting and uh and you need to make personal sacrifices to help that person the the coward says no i just don't like those kind of things that makes me feel icky i don't like that i don't want to do that so they run for the hills so there are many many different uh ways that cowardice can play out in relationships and i'm going to run through several other kinds of indicators of cowardice inside uh the narcissistic way of life and keeping in mind this is all of their need to be in control and that shows a a lack of empathy uh one thing i've already mentioned uh that's an illustration of this cowardice is the disappearance in personal uh in gun conflict situations they just can't do it or another indication of cowardice is sometimes they'll take pot shots behind your back and as opposed to standing in front of you and having a good healthy uh face-to-face dialogue it's like now what i want to do is i want to win in the in the uh public opinion polls and so if i can get other people on my team against you i'll leave out a few uh crucial ingredients here a few uh crucial facts and so they'll just run you uh in the ground behind your back another way that people can show cowardice is they they can just have an ongoing pattern of being coy or evasive in general you never quite know where you stand with these individuals cowardly individuals are constantly trying to maintain their position so that they can see where the exit is if they have to go there now another act of cowardice is that of bullying i want you to think of a boss or a parent or a coach who has to have their way and they they've got to have everything line up exactly the way they say and if individuals in front of them don't comply they just come down with a hammer they're mean and they're harsh they can't sit down and say okay we have several different uh personalities in the room here we have several different ways of looking at things why don't we pull our thoughts together and see if we can come up with some sort of consensus no cowardly individuals won't listen to other individuals they'll just blow people out of the water and it's like yeah look at me i am now a somebody when in fact it's their fear it's their fear of diversity it's their fear of stretching that causes them to be this way now another variation of that another illustration of cowardice is sometimes cowardly individuals they're kind of like that little kid that hides behind mother's skirts uh they want to associate themselves with people who have the power and so cowardly individuals will seek out people that are overbearing or strong-willed or they're the ones that are at the top or in charge like i'm on that person's team you can't mess with me now and and it it implies that to them relationships are a competition it's a game who's going to be on top many times you'll see people who have cowardice that they refuse to stand up for other individuals who might be mistreated or who are misunderstood it's like hey that's their problem and they let other individuals hang out there on their own without any kind of assistance whatsoever many times they will go into diversionary tactics if you try to talk with them about some things they'll take the topic off to something else or their blame shift and they'll tell you well if you've got you think i have problems you have more problems the cowardly individual just can't stand there and or sit there and say let's just talk or another illustration of cowardice is when someone is down there's no compassion it's like too bad now when they're down they want everybody to pay attention but when someone else is down it's like you're not going to get any kind of good attention from me i don't like doing that i'm uncomfortable sometimes the cowardice is displayed through ridicule and mocking and condescension so you can see that there's all of this is driven by fear all of this is driven by the need to maintain a certain uh persona that says i'm impenetrable when in fact they're deeply insecure individuals so let's see if we can get a handle on what's really going on here and i want to go to a phrase that you've probably heard but it's very pertinent for us to understand uh how this relates to that cowardly individual and it's the phrase hurt people hurt people when narcissists take on this cowardly persona and when they have all of these kind of deeds and you could probably add a few more of your own that shows that they're in this fear and run for the hills kind of a mindset they're illustrating that they're they're hurting on the inside they're filtering their own unresolved pain uh and and um and that's what's driving some of their decisions there's they're fixated they're stuck in uh childhood difficulties that they've never come to terms with and as a result their their own misery continues to to guide and to uh to show the way in terms of the way that they deal with you they just assume this is not going to go well i've got to just go into protective mode being hurt themselves they hurt other individuals and then it also illustrates that uh because of that they're woefully incapable of accessing any form of empathy and you you'd think the opposite if they've been hurt that they could empathize with somebody but they have no empathy instead they have anger they have insensity insensitivity toward you but keep in mind it's a displacement of their own inner unresolved strain and tension now when somebody shows this kind of cowardice towards you you want to go over and shake them and say come on be an adult here will you or take responsibility will you but keeping in mind uh they're they're not in that place they're going to run for the hills every time they're just simply not able to have that adult-like engagement with you so it implies one very strong thing for you and that is you're going to need to individualize your own uh responses as you figure out how you're going to deal with this person don't expect them to be a team member you're going to have to figure out what is it going to take for me to be a healthy person even if that other individual chooses not to so when a cowardly narcissist hides or runs away or does all of these diversionary tactics you're going to have to come to terms with the fact there's got to be one person in this equation who needs to be courageous and it looks like it's going to be me i hope you're up to that task and i hope that you can overcome some of these uh improper patterns that the narcissist wants you to join uh with them on it's like nope i i'm going to stand firm i'm going to have a sense of decency as i engage with my public i do hope that you find value in video such as this and it spurs insight and stimulates your thinking for you in fact if you uh have a need to unpack some of this stuff with a with a counselor we've vetted a group and we have a link below with uh an online counseling service uh and and and in this day and age online is where people are wanting to go so i would encourage you if you need to do that go beneath and you'll find that link there we also have uh links to our uh big uh our website surviving narcissism dot tv also my website dr les carter dot com we have links to my online video workshops and books and even coffee mugs i hope that as you see other individuals act in their cowardly ways that it stimulates you to be a person of confidence resolve and strength and in doing so you're setting a model worthy of being followed i think that's a good way to go don't you

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 183,973

Keywords: narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, Dr. Les Carter, defensive people, coward, narcissist, surviving narcissism, dr carter, dr. les carter, communicating with a narcissist, the cowardly side of narcissism, the cowardly narcissist, traits of a narcissist, narcissistic traits, anger, narcissistic behavior, narcissist behavior, narcissistic family, narcissistic relationship, covert narcissism, covert narcissist, narcissistic abuse, mental health, personality disorder

Id: 0-Yax1tLEaw

Length: 13min 30sec (810 seconds)

Published: Thu May 07 2020