What's The Worst First Date You've Ever Been On? (r/AskReddit)

last night i witnessed a horrible first date i'm sure my story can be topped i was at a fairly empty cafe one evening couple came in and sat so close that i had to move my chair to les m pass wtf he looked a bit adam levineish except with a mad stare in his eyes she was a very petite woman who turned out to be from spain he then spent ages lamenting how awful british women are and how exotic she looked alternating between how his ex-gfs had treated him badly and dumped him and gushing about how feminine and perfect she was he didn't seem to notice how quiet she was getting he then said god i absolutely hated it when my ex used the wrong chopping board for fruit again wtf and she replied in a heavy accent i do not like you and walked off he sat there for a bit and then eventually left too no doubt to carry on his quest to find someone to put up with his appalling personality she's my new hero i had a very awkward date a few years back i ran into an old high school friend i hadn't seen in years we sit down and chit chat a bit and he asks me out he seems like a very cool guy and i said sure he takes me out to the sonic drive through no big deal i like their shakes and burgers he asks me what i want and orders nothing but what i asked for which struck me odd i thought we would stay parked but we ended up eating as he drove us around which was awkward i offered some of my burger to him and he finished it off for me i felt a little bad guess he didn't have much money i would have gladly paid for my own way and then the conversation turned to freaking out of the blue he asks me so when do you think it's appropriate for someone to start freaking after dating i said well i'm an absolute prude i thought he was just messing around but he was actually quite serious he kept pushing it then all of a sudden at a red light he leans in grabs the back of my head and kisses me he slammed his slobbering tongue in my mouth and starts whirling it around his hot breath smelled of burgers i pulled away and asked to be taken home he takes me home chit-chatting like nothing happened and still about freaking and other inappropriate topics when we got home he asked me to call him later and i didn't i went on a date with a phone sx operator yes you heard me right it was senior year of high school and one of my friends at the time was starting to get into online dating naturally as a teenager i was intrigued by the idea of meeting a woman online and possibly having physical relations with her my friend had met this girl who was pretty cute and told me she had a friend who was also looking a jackpot i asked him to hook me up and the girl instantly agreed we had a group date for the end of the week but as the days went on i realized i had no idea who this girl was or what she looked like my friend told me she had a steamy voice and was a phone sx operator but i didn't even know how old she was or anything so i asked my friend a couple questions how old is she 24 he says hum that's a little old i was only 17 at the time what does she look like she's a little chubby but she's not too bad you want to talk to her well yeah that'd be good calls her up and i talked to her hottest voice ever everything seems cool and i wait until saturday saturday comes and my friend comes with me and gets me to go pick up the girls first his girlfriend who is like i said pretty good looking a little chubby but cute in the face and her figure is well proportioned then we go pick up my date holy jabba the hut this girl was large definitely over 400 pounds my friend said she was light enough to sit in my lap i see now he meant that figuratively she was very unattractive which sounds mean to say but she was her hair was very frizzy and unmanaged her clothes were very tight fitting and too revealing and she smelled terrible not bo but just way way way too much perfume it choked you as she approached well she gets in the car and we head off now where do you think we're going to see a movie go to lunch walk on the beach perhaps number we go to walmart this is my date's idea of a good time i guess well that's kind of lame but i say nothing i hope this might be interesting well it was but not in the way i'd been hoping turns out we were going to walmart because she needed to get some things jewelry feminine hygiene products a couple dvds that sort of thing oh and we weren't paying for this stuff i guess yes that's right my date brought us to walmart a freaking shoplift and they were all three of them doing this by this point i am completely checked out we go back to the car and start heading back she says now she needs to go to target and then they can head back to her place for some fun nope i'm out i tell her i need to get home to help make dinner she says they can all come drop me off at my house i say the park is fine so they take me to the park and drop me off and i freaking run home i never spoke to that friend again tl dr went shoplifting for a first date with fat phone sx operator row talk about how jabba started his criminal empire one walmart at a time so i went on a date with this guy he was 45 minutes late i should have no right then to head home but i looked cute and i was already downtown he finally shows up we head to her pub and he is feeding me beers like i haven't had two sips of this beer yet so after about three beers he asks me what i'm doing after this and i tell him i'm heading home he kept asking me to come over i continuously said no then he says he is heading out for a smoke never comes back i kept waiting for the camera crews to jump out they didn't worst date of my life wow frick that guy i got one met a girl in one of my classes and we hit it off pretty quickly same major from the same area same interests and so on she was a few years older but i figured what the heck she's cute and we get along so i asked her out that friday she meets me at my local hangout and we have a great time so great that after a couple of beers we decide to roll to my place we leave her car there and head out at my place things start off great we are in bed doing our thing and just before i take the panties off she tells me by the way i have herpes now i give her props for telling me she didn't have to and she wasn't having an outbreak so i wouldn't have noticed but i wish she told me earlier but that's cool we can just chill till her phone rings which we ignore and then it rings again and again and again finally she listens to her voicemail and things get even more interesting her boyfriend of 10 years who was watching her kid that i was unaware of has tracked her phone's gps and is trolling my block with a loaded 0.45 looking for us fortunately i parked in the garage and her car was at the bar so he never found out which house i was in and gave up so now it's time for some answers she tells me she really likes me and wants to leave her boyfriend for me she also tells me he owns the house so her and her daughter are going to need a place to stay and she doesn't work i explain to her that this is not what i'm looking for and after a bit she seems to accept it i take her to her car and drop her off crisis averted right number for the next three days i receive walls of texts about how perfect we are for each other and how great things would be if i allow it how good of a role model i could be to her kid after three days it devolves into begging and then into messages about how it can just be about freaking with no emotional ties and on and on and on skip to the morning of our next class together there is no way in heck i'm going five minutes into the class and my phone starts blowing up constantly eventually i send her a text and tell her i am sick and would like to get some rest could she please stop calling texting within 20 minutes my doorbell rings and i have absolutely no intention of answering it after a few rings there is tapping on my window frick all that noise eventually she leaves and sends me a text letting me know there if chicken soup from fresh and easy on my doorstep along with some cold medicine holy frick that means she left class and after everything thinking that all was great and i was going to let her in it was weeks before the text stopped and i only went back to that class for the final it was quite the first date tldr first date almost results in herpes and a gunshot wound but ends instead with some delicious chicken soup i would not have eaten the soup i visited la by myself and witnessed a pretty stereotypically bad la date i went to this pretty expensive restaurant on a lark later learned it apparently has a bit of a reputation for bringing in people who are big shits and stars if that paints a good picture the table beside mine is a 45 year old man and a young early twenties woman i'm reading my book chilling out waiting for my entree to come just eavesdropping shamelessly he apparently picked her up in a coffee shop where she's a barista he dates too much and unsuccessfully all she talks about is this friggin coffee shop and boring minutiae and he's just looking at her being quietly bored to tears she's also ordered arguably one of the most expensive things on the menu and is just picking at it finally though she finishes and a waiter comes over asking if they'd like the bill he lights up and just as he's saying yes she cuts him off and asks for the dessert menu on what is already probably a 250 plus bill he looked like someone crap on his birthday cake long story short i really enjoyed my meal there that just made me feel so sad that poor man i once sat next to a couple on a date at a teppanagi show dinner they had barely said a word to each other when i hear the guy ask her so have you seen the movie phone booth she replied no they sat there in silence dodging flying egg for the rest of the show a friend of mine kept insisting that i meet a friend of hers for a date because she thinks we would go well together perfect for me she says so i'll let myself get talked into meeting him at my favorite bar in town i show up and within five minutes i know that he is not interested in women to top it off she ended up inviting herself and sat between us i ended up being the third wheel on my own date with a gay man he came out of the closet a few months later which was fine with me it only sucks that i have such a track record of dating men that later come out of the closet that my family now says oh she likes him he must be gay went on a blind date with a girl from facebook super safe i know well when we show up my cousin appears out of nowhere saying he was going to be my wingman i told him to frick off but he didn't listen and just followed us around all night we were sitting in the theater and he wouldn't stop whispering for us to make out i turned to her to say i was sorry and she stuck her tongue down my throat i wasn't planning on kissing her and since i was still kind of new at it got really confused i tried to put my arm around her during and ended up hitting her in the face she pulled away screamed and the entire theater turned and got quiet my cousin just whispered okay now grab her boob sorry for the cliffhanger ending but after everyone had turned back around she got up and went to the bathroom for the whole movie so no boob grabbing happened but do not fear editors my day did come three years later i finally got that boob grab and i have to say that victory was oh so sweet i used to work in a local bar down the road my friend was going on his first date with a girl and he took her to the bar i worked my friend is also notorious for his alcohol consumption he and his date sat at the bar and at first sight it looked like the date was going rather well about two hours later i look over at my mate sitting on a bar stool with both feet propped on the bar absolutely wasted and lets out a huge fart and he wafts it in the direction of his date's face saying smell that the girl's mortified i nearly wet myself from laughing and thought there's not a chance in heck he's going to get laid now i was wrong he brought her home that night standards some peoples go pretty low who the frick brings a laptop on a date my reaction was more along the lines of who the frick brings aleppo she plays wow well all right wasn't a first date but a few weeks ago i was in buffalo wild wings frapias mango habanero and some guy renewed his vows with his wife of seven years he got on the loudspeaker and everything she wasn't exactly thrilled whenever i see crap like that i always think it's all for the guy's ego and not a girl's pleasure met a girl online she lives one town over she was looking mainly for a frick buddy and at the time that's exactly what i wanted the first red flag was that she had only two profile pics and they were both black and white of the same angle i agree to meet her as she's coming to my town that weekend i meet her and her weird-looking friend in a car out in front of this house her weird friend immediately tries to hit me up for gas money i refuse and they say that's okay but they want to hit up a store for some reason as this initial conversation is taking place i get a quick look at the girl i'm supposed to be seeing she's a bit thicker than her profile pics would make it seem but really not too bad she was smoking when i walked up to the car and as soon as the first sig was dead she lit up another one so she was obviously a chain smoker add another demerit we get to this grocery store and now the girl gets out of the car to where i can see her more fully it's them that i really notice her outfit she's wearing a two sizes too small mighty morphin power rangers jacket brown slacks that my grandpa would have worn in the 80s and these funky shoes okay now i realize she has no idea how to dress or present herself she walks with me through the parking lot and as she gets closer i start to detect a whiff of some kind of funk then it hits me she has b.o and keep in mind that we're outside and the wind is blowing yet i can still smell her funk it's at this point that i decide i need to abandon ship as i'm thinking this she turns directly towards me and it's them that i realize the icing on the cake she has a lazy eye i've posted this before and people with a lazy eye get really pee keep in mind the context that this girl's qualities were just going downhill at light speed and the eye was just kind of straw on an already broken camel's back i ended up calling my friend in the bathroom of the grocery store and telling him to call me informing me that i was late for a made-up obligation that i had forgotten about weird friend had to leave suddenly so i drove back smelly girl on the drive to where she was staying she told me a story about stabbing another girl in high school needless to say i ran a couple of stop signs on the way to her place finally a story about me i witness a really good one while bartending a few years ago a guy came in expecting it to be a first date from an online site it was actually his very pregnant wife girlfriend who was sitting at the table her friend was sitting at the bar filling me in i guess the friend came to give her pregnant and newly single friend a ride home after she broke up with the douche it was beautifully awkward this is why i want to be a bartender i'm a shameless gossip invited me at a hotel for a sleepover after a really expensive dinner boyfriend decided to surprise her at eight o'clock in the morning i was sitting at a hotel bar having a few drinks before heading up to my room it was pretty empty there was a sailor to my left who i ended up drinking with after the events below and a couple halfway down the bar to the right a very beautiful potty looking girl and a reasonably good-looking well-dressed fellow both probably late 20s early 30s at first i thought they were on a terrible first date but it soon became clear that they were in the tail end of a failed relationship this was not the stage where things are slowly degrading toward an inevitable breakup i mean they should have been broken up last month but there they were having a drink together in the smoking wreckage of their relationship the girl didn't say anything the entire hour or so that i watched them with cringing fascination every time the guy spoke she made a little snort of disgusted annoyance and stared pointedly away from him i was both disappointed and incredibly relieved when they finally left and i promised myself that i would never stay with a girl past the point when we were no longer on speaking terms sounds like married couple post argument been there went to a movie with a girl in high school her older sister shows up before the movie even starts and apparently that means i can't sit next to the girl i left this is the case of her not being allowed to date the elder sister was sent to make sure she was not on a date i took a girl to back to her place once after a first date it turns out she was a hoarder i use the bathroom and kitty litter is everywhere piles are in the corner i come out she's naked on the bed being a guy i say what the heck it's not until i'm naked when i realize there's kittly litter on the bed she we start going at it i look down and there's tampon strings hanging out she's on her period i realize just how unsanitary and freaked up this whole thing is and i start to back away that's she starts biting me one the collarbone i get her to back off she rolls over and turns off the lights and passes out drunk for six hours i'm awake on this bed with the smell of kitty litter all over the entire apartment i can't grab my clothes because they're mixed in with the crap all over the floor as soon as sunlight hits i start to grab my clothes and dress and get the heck out of there i had to shower for about 45 minutes to get the smell of kitty off of me once i got home [Music] when i was 16 i went on a blind date with this guy two hours away from my hometown i got there by train and had always the option to meet and call a friend who lived nearby this town so i was there a bit too early and started walking around a bit finally it was 4 p.m and we met he was 23 at that time student and working unfortunately he was just as tall as me and extremely skinny so not really my type of guy at that time but nevertheless we went to grab some food and had a good time at around 7pm he wanted to head home and asked me if i wanted to get home with him i wasn't sure but on the other hand i also didn't want to stay with my friend and i think i was still in my o i am so cool face combined with teenage insecurity and the desperate wish to have someone so i told him i will come with him i knew that he still lived with his parents but he told me that they won't be around when we arrived at his place his parents were home and i was greeted by a happy mom who referred happily to me as my son's first girlfriend i was shocked but i also couldn't leave since the next train station was miles away and at that time no more trains would have gone back to my hometown so i stayed 30 minutes later we had dinner with the whole family mother father and sister and everyone asked me so many questions afterwards we all sat down to play card games and my date didn't seem to realize that i felt completely uncomfortable three hours later we were finally alone in his room and he just jumped in his pajamas made me a bed on a single mattress and proceeded to sleep in his bed i tried to kiss him or just hold his hand but he did not respond to anything so i also went to sleep and in the next morning we had breakfast with his parents and sister again his parents had this expecting look on their face and his dad even started to make obscene jokes luckily my date had to work that day and drop me off at the train station before though he finally kissed me and whispered oh i love you into my ear and that he is happy that i get along so well with his family i just ran for my train i felt physically awkward just reading that yikes i once took a girl to a bar christmas party for a first date open bar free food etc knowing that i was only 18 at the time and rarely drank the employees proceeded to get me crap face drunk in front of my new lady friend i then promptly passed out in a pile of cooking grease and had to get carried to my car driven home carried to my bed by my sister's boyfriend during this entire scene i apparently kept telling everyone that i was going to get laid that night it made a complete butt of myself i married her four years later and she's still freaking awesome first date with the current girlfriend she goes to the bathroom and this guy leans in through the door which we were seated next to and asked something weird like do you know if that place over the road is open i turn around and look where he pointed turn back and say how the frick would i know mate he mumbles something and walks away i then get a sinking feeling he's stolen something i run outside and can't see where he went turns out he stole her brand new iphone off the table where she just loves keeping it when dining luckily she has insurance and is dang cool cause she didn't mind too much great start huh this is why you always take your electronics with you to the toilets well that and read it set up on a date by my best friend's girl with a friend of hers i knew only casually had hung out as part of a group of friends several times we meet for dinner at a decent italian place halfway through dinner after the typical get to know you chitchat her so what will our kids look like me they won't i nope the heck out of there right quick paid the bill and left crazy didn't get the hint called me repeatedly i made it very clear i wasn't interested and certainly not going to be her baby daddy later i find she had a scrapbook with photoshopped pictures of me think face swap and was telling people we were involved etc eventually this escalated to driving by my house stalking my job ring and run pranks on my doorbell weird disjointed letters left in my mailbox finally had to get police involved restraining order order of protection etc tl dr sometimes you don't have to stick your dong in it to get crazy driving home one evening i stopped to help a motorist who had lost a tire off his vehicle it turns out he was on his way to a first date blind nonetheless i ask if he needs a ride somewhere and he says well if you wouldn't mind taking me to pick her up and dropping us off at my house now this is a bit weird but i guess i don't mind he directs me to her house turns out she is in the us as part of a study abroad program she is originally from brazil now i know being picked up by your date and a complete stranger could be awkward but this guy smoothed it right over by using this opening gem so you're from brazil huh what was it like growing up without electricity five minutes of this line of questioning i decided to jump in and try to save the poor kid by asking questions about brazil's perception of the us versus her experience easier conversation begins to flow he's feeling a bit more comfortable ready to jump back and he asks i bet you were excited to try mcdonald's how clearly someone was getting lucky tonight this is about the time i arrived at his trailer to drop them off poor girl the first date i ever went on was when i was around 12 or 13 early in my dating career and i didn't understand a lot of the essential rules like rule number one when going on a date never let her bring her entourage of friends that was mistake one i was a kid with a rather messy face and no love for those spinny carnival rights but i was also a kid with a deep need to get his date on as it were hormones won out on this one much to my eventual demise my facial inconsistencies weed cold sores came in when one of her friends asked me what was on the corner of my mouth i said i stabbed myself while eating and managed to pass that one off pretty well but the seeds of caution were planted my date wanted to go on some of the more gastrointestinally disastrous carnival rides and though logic was virtually throttling my testicles the tiny tim twins won out and i ended up getting on a ride fast forward to getting off the ride when it was over my hand covered in vomit and a good deal of her covered in it as well as we ran off to clean up my stomach's cocktail of hot dogs and funnel cake my first words to her were i guess we aren't going to kiss now one time i went on a date with a dude i had been into for about a year we had classes together he finally agrees we go to a bar i proceed to get hammered really embarrassingly so i essentially poured myself into his car when we wrapped up at the bar the last thing i said to him as i got out of the car at my place look i know i'm hammered but i've been wanting to rest a drink on that end table but for seven months is this happening needless to say it didn't you at least had good taste in the dude he didn't take advantage of her inebriated girl i met a guy at a bar he was with a group of people and they all invited me to hang with them we went back to his apartment and hung out for a few hours that visit the place was a little messy but not too bad at the end of the evening he asked me out on a proper date and i accepted date night rolled around and i met him at his place as agreed when i walked in he immediately pointed out that he had cleaned up for me i had to nod appropriately then indicated i was ready to go halfway out the door he asked me if i had ever seen the movie 40 year old virgin i said i had and he replied you know that part where she asks him to blow in the tube to start the car yeah so can you drive okay fair enough we all make mistakes i drove we had some wings and beer and then went out to the patio to smoke he was screwing with his phone throughout dinner but whatever who doesn't a few minutes after sitting down on the patio though an older black man approached our table and sat down my date introduced the man as his ex-girlfriend's father and his drug dealer he proceeded to conduct a deal right there in front of god and everyone okay fine so i know this is going nowhere but i am painfully nice so i agreed to return to his place to watch a movie before heading home i was having a hard time getting comfortable on the sofa so i lifted the throw pillow to fluff it rearrange it beneath the pillow i discovered a huge purple celeb now at this point there were a number of things he could have said that may or may not have been cute funny or even a little classy his choice i like the way it feels on my balls when i jerk off you probably want to leave now huh any one of these things wouldn't kill a date for me it all combined on a first date it was a little much forgot to tldr first date had a sobriety check on his car conducted a drug deal with his ex joel fien's father and forgot to put away his big purple celeb he used to massage his balls while masturbating by massage his balls he really meant shove up my poop shoot if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video so [Music] bye for now

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 93,299

Rating: 4.8806295 out of 5

Keywords: horrible first dates, horrible first date stories, worst first date, worst first date stories, worst first date ever, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap, dating

Id: IPbRUGmQit4

Length: 28min 45sec (1725 seconds)

Published: Mon May 25 2020