What's The Funniest Thing You've Overheard? (r/AskReddit Top Posts | Reddit Stories)

what is the funniest weirdest or most repulsive thing you have ever overheard someone say I was in a waiting room to see a general doctor three very large women were in the room one was very chatty about our ailments my knees just haven't been the same since I hit 40 I think I might have arthritis or maybe tendonitis I hope it's not a knee tumor my brother had that ruined his softball life another said oh my hip has been horrible for a few months I think it's miss allied or dislocated it's been making my heels hurt so much the third an Oprah looking woman just smiled and said with Oprah level charisma oh come on let's be real we some fatter cheese that's why we're hurting my aunt was yelling at one of my cousin's for no apparent reason while pretty much making fun of him at the same time she ended up daring him to say something back in a pretty snotty turn he looks up at her and says you did such a bad job raising your first son that God took away your other child before you could duck it up again she recently had a miscarriage and needless to say she had quite a mental breakdown after that one it was ducking brutal yesterday in the town center some guy was handing a gin fire to two girls as they walked away one asked the other does he think we're fat the other replied I'm eating advent calendar chocolate at lunch time in October so probably couple playfully bickering in store woman says fine have it your way why don't you just slap me and get it over with he says I would but don't want to walk around the mall with an erection I was in driver training and when the teacher stopped talking we heard a girl at the back say no I think you're confusing insist with animal one of my mom's work friends asked me to come over and help her while she was preparing for her kids third birthday party she had set him up by the TV and played some kind of child learning video to keep him distracted while we cleaned and made food she went over to him kid's name was Adam and started asking him little questions about the video what color was the sky what color is a school bus things like that not even ten minutes later Adam gets up and walks to the back room I walked over to grab some plates off the shelf and I hear Adam in the bathroom talking to himself in this deadpan hilarious mocking tone what colors an apple Adam red good Adam I couldn't stop laughing he's going places as he stared at the table a hard-boiled egg in his hand and a ferrule on his brow why is it that when you crack an egg it sometimes comes out liquid and other times solid like this this was three days into my freshman year at college I have never seen so many people simultaneously go from laughing to confusion to concern and finally to pity I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and the boy around 8 years old was asking his mom to buy him something and she said no he muttered under his breath I will tell you someday I'd like to add one I was in the Dining Commons at my college waiting in line behind two girls this first girl looked at her friend and said oh my god I'm so hungry I feel like Helen Keller her friend responded with who's Helen Keller I was pretty surprised until the first girl finished with she's some Jewish girl that got locked in an attic I didn't even know where to start one time in the middle of the night my brother sat up in his bed when we shared a room as kids still asleep and with no later recollection of the event he said as clearly as ever now on to the large intestine and like back down I was in Wilkinson my maiden two little old ladies were in front next thing we hear is this humongous fart and from there where this little old lady just says I thought that one was going to be silent I could have died had a friend that was starting to date in the town she just moved to she went on a date with a marine where he proceeded to tell her that she was prime breeding stock and he would be happy to procreate with her that was their only date my god my freshman roommate would say the same thing he would go off on how his grandfather said he was like a prized greyhound that had to be bred he would constantly hit on my girlfriend and cool our mail sheet he was all talk though he gave himself a concussion tying his shoes I was at a football game and two of the people by me were talking about how much one of them had to pee he didn't want to go to the bathrooms because the line was so long in the bathrooms were pretty dirty so they were debating whether he should just go right there in the stands he decides that yes he should he asks his friend to stand over him so that he can pee discreetly he begins peeing into a coke bottle and it's not very discreet it turns out that the bottle still had a lot of soda in it meaning that the pee coke mixture quickly overflows all over his pants and also drips onto the nachos he had set on the ground while he did his business the two guys said a lot of things but in regards to the nachos a guy who peed said damn my nachos are ruined too then the second guy said eh I'll eat them if you don't want them what when I was eating alone at my University's cafeteria I overheard a conversation between about five black guys one of them was describing this girl and said something to the effect of she got a real nice face good body she smart is dark but she ain't got legs I thought to myself that that was a really superficial judgment but as I continued listening it became apparent that she actually didn't have legs as and they had been amputated above the knee then they began discussing the advantages of this as it allows them to get all up in dad Phu say well of course I don't like killing kids but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy an adult privilege from time to time I eventually realized he meant secondhand smoke came out of a bombing through once and a girl asked hey was anyone else in there no so she went in there nice aura line 15 girls long for their bathroom being the courteous man I am I went to the last girl in line just so you know there's no one in the men's bathroom right now she looked at me disgusted and looked away for me wasn't until the next morning I realized she thought I'd solicited her for 6:00 in the bar bathroom this 80 year old lady I used to work with was a really old horn dog I overheard her once say it doesn't get loose you just have to squeeze it the man she was talking to nodded knowingly then she says I'm squeezing it right now I was at a bar sitting outside and there was a group of girls sitting near me having a conversation suddenly I overhear one of them start describing something that repulses me to this day she apparently had a boyfriend who was on tour in a band she said while he was away she started having really cramps and she wasn't sure if it was her period or she had to poop she went to the bathroom and something bloody fell out of her she wasn't sure what happened and was freaked out by it so she this is where it starts to get absolutely disgusting scoops it out of the toilet and puts it in a ziploc to show her boyfriend when he got back from tour she said she took it to his grandma to show her because she was still confused and grandma told her it looked like she'd probably had an early miscarriage then she ended up putting it in a desk drawer to present to her boyfriend and forgot about it for a few months until it started to smell apparently she and her friends even had a nickname for it she told the whole story loud enough that I could hear it loud and clear from ten feet away in a mildly crowded area the memory of overhearing that still grosses me out to this day I went to finding Dory matinee by myself when I took my seat I overheard the old biddy behind me say to her friend isn't it awful they just let them come into a movie like that for the record I'm a 40-year old man so I'm guessing she thought I was there for something other than the Pixar animation you can tell that the Dino sauce they use in films aren't real waiting in line at an amusement park some middle schooler behind us if I were gay I would totally swordfight when I worked at Walmart I was in the break room and a trailer for the first Hobbit film played on the TV a co-worker watched it and then complained that it was a blatant ripoff of Lord of the Rings the 31st of August 1997 myself my roommate and some friends are celebrating our return to college with a large number of beers someone walks in to tell us that Princess Diana had died complete silence until my passed out roommate awakens to say good I hated that itch then promptly passes back out one evening some time ago my mother walked into my little sister's bedroom to tell her goodnight and read a bedtime story my little sister couldn't have been more than three years old my mother walks in the room and my sister is just staring at her hands like she's just noticed them for the first time when my mom asked what she was doing she looked up from her hands and told my mother I have power in my hands and I will use it to destroy you she turned out okay I was in a store looking at something near a cash register and I didn't hear what the girl said to this guy but his response was oh your as is hanging out of your shorts so I was just you know looking at it I looked over and her as was indeed hanging out of her shorts and she was duck in heart her response was to just turn around and ignore the guy it was awkward overheard a conversation in high school between the two odd people in class but girl I think I did enjoy being raped odd guy I mean I could see myself doing it overhead is not the right word couldn't ignore his closer a guy in a very expensive suit was walking through a parking lot pissed off screaming into a cell phone there's been a crew there for a week and no work is done I need you to light a fire under that guy's eyes then he tripped on one of those concrete tire stops at the end of the parking space and did a full-on fast blunt straight into the blacktop he never put his hands out in front of himself to break his fall he held his phone right to his ear and he never stopped to China at the guy he was talking to all the way down honestly the other guy probably didn't know this guy had just blasted his face and his $800 suit straight into the pavement just splat tripped by touching all the way down and all the time he was rolling around in his business suit trying to get back up and the whole time he walked away he didn't miss a single beat not me though I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe this probably comes under all three two women in the city center and a young girl of about 12 who is in a wheelchair the woman proceeds to sit on the girl in the wheelchairs knee she told her to get off to wet the woman responded shut up you can't even feel your legs anyway my brother was at a festival Creamfields where like 90% of people were Andra Gus he heard these two duck top girls talking and one said to the other or I must get that abortion two infantry officers were talking about starving to death during a recce mission and whether it is acceptable to eat the guide dog as a means of survival well you don't necessarily have to heal the dog I mean you could just drink it scum yeah good source of protein to standing in line at the Vatican to go into the Sistine Chapel the lady behind us says to the group she is with where are the other 15 chapels many years ago I was a busboy at a restaurant a family consisting of a mom dad son about age 6 and author about age 3 was seated in the section I was covering mom and son had gone to the bathroom and I'm walking by when the daughter says daddy we should tell mommy about the game we play dad succinctly replies no that's just for us to know about I was at the gas station waiting for my car to fill up when a guy pulled up in his car he was talking on his Bluetooth about during his last shift he is a cop he pulled over this vehicle for using their hydraulics while driving this is illegal in my state when explained that when he questioned them about it they said they they didn't have any hydraulics and what he was seeing is there dancing the driver points to the backseat as he turns up the music and these three very heavy people start bumping to the music causing the entire car to bounce up and down I had to contain my laughter as that the got to be one of the best traffic stops I've heard of , so my friend is weirded out by this for like years and years right every single time the dad uses the bathroom the dorky older sister ducking flies and they're right afterward so if my friend needed a shower or something she's gotta wait for like 20 minutes until everyone is done the sister spends like 15 minutes and there and comes out all recharged or whatever we figure she just took a huge dump so she tries for years and years to make sense of it she finally gets her older sister to admit the mid-twenties sister is still living at home because she can only have an orgasm to the smell of her own bad sheet I was at Gen Con this year and I walked past a pretty heated nerd rage fueled argument I heard one man say to the other you look like someone who would be pissed off about Firefly's cancellation for some reason it just seems to have so many implications so I was taking an ends class a few years ago and we would do mock scenarios for mass casualty incidents basically there is a trench system in place for when you have a bunch of victims and not much time to help them it goes from green basically okay to black dead or about to die so I'm the first responded to mock car crash that has four people in it I open the door to find the driver the black guy in class hunched over the wheel I check for a pulse and the instructor says you find no pulse so I start to pull him out to get to the guy in the back seat that is when the instructor says good he's black he doesn't get any help both me and the black guy just stop and look up at him for a second before he realizes what he said and we just lose it we were laughing so hard we had to stop the scenario this is just repulsive sad behind - very normal middle-class looking 12 year olds on the bus so 500 right just to look at it well he Yanks it yup 500 crowns I got a new pair of shoes yesterday and I'm meeting him again today he said he would give any of my friends 500 - 500 I need more though I wonder what he'd pay if I liked it I was just about to talk to them when they got off the bus and I lost them still wonder about that - girls deciding between two rums at a bar two days ago one of the masks to smell the bottles after sniffing one she says to the other girl oh god no not that that smells like when we live together a bunch of us about ten of us were in a circle playing drinking whilst playing never have I ever for the uninitiated this is a simple game where you say never have I ever done black and anyone who has done the action at some point has to drink either way this extremely large chick in the corner doesn't say a word for the entire game until it gets to her girl where her face suddenly lights up and she clearly says the fateful words that will hold me forever never have I ever been spectro stood in a bathroom cubicle and yes she was the only one who drank I worked in a pub in the UK for a year and a half so heard and saw all kinds of weird things my all-time favorite was a snippet of a conversation , well he says he shagged me on the bonnet last night but I don't remember a bloody thing my former coworker once said when discussing a couple she knew them had just lost their baby well I guess God just doesn't want people who aren't married having babies everyone else was saying kind sympathetic things and she just went gonads to the wall with that one instant hatred [Music] you

Channel: Storytime With Reddit

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Id: D-9x6dKo0nk

Length: 18min 19sec (1099 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 06 2020