What Do You Really Get for $3,000 Rent? - Sean Patton - Live @ the Apt

[Music] [ __ ] the stage right now [Applause] you ever worry what kind of hobo you'd be if you just lost your [ __ ] right now there's snap right now does that not trust everyone's mind twelve times a day like how whatever mental state you're currently in the guy you know and then you're just homeless forever and if i new york's where you come to make it you know it's a musician as an actor as a [ __ ] comedian I'm starting to think as a homeless person like I try and help every homeless person I see I give them money but sometimes I want to ask hey were you just the most homeless guy in Cleveland or like Phoenix and your other homeless friends like man you gotta go you're too good I think about that every day okay so I'm I'm here in New York I'm in Brooklyn and I'm waiting across the street and there's a woman in front of me jogging in place right now let's just call her clothing aerodynamic let's just call it that now did I want to look at her perfect runners body of course I did I'm a [ __ ] heterosexual American male all right red blood blue eyes white piss of course I wanted to look like it did not look that is not the time we are in anymore there's no more room for that in life we cannot objectify women even if it's just on the street plus there was no way of knowing whether or not I was on one of those hidden-camera shows there's no way of knowing I could have been on catch him looking I could have been on that show if that show exists so that I just didn't risk it if I looked away I looked array I looked down the block and what I saw was this homeless dude coming at us and he was one of those like I'm a storyteller that's what I call that style of hobo a storyteller I simply backed away and gave him an avenue to pass and but he stopped he looked directly at this joggers ass and went from bucket back to oh oh oh I'm so glad she had headphones on otherwise she would have heard him and turned around oh oh and then he looked back at me and I was like nope I don't want any part of this at all and then he continued whoo whoa and then the light changed she jogged away as soon as she was gone from his eyesight he was right back to jimin's come on man that's fun Duke apparently her ass was so great it granted him sanity again calling for a moment but that's what what something has to happen crazy homeless people aren't born crazy and homeless right I don't know there's a lot of things I don't know maybe some of you had that conversation oh my god have you heard about Terry and Rita's baby it's Homer that's me talking about she's a doctor and he's a attorney I know who it's it's a tragedy it's a scream or two if you live in New York you've seen the screamer that's the gentleman who just appears normal and then out of nowhere like what happened to that guy he probably wasn't always ah at some point he was probably hey hey hey and then someone told him poor people always have to pay taxes but churches never do any less topic worry like the storyteller was he just a guy on a smoke break from work like this is [ __ ] you know I'm working 60 hour weeks I'm the first one here last one to leave you know poor my life flooded in this company but I'm not kidding promoted I'm getting passed over every year cuz I'm not young cuz I don't have a social media presence this is [ __ ] I walked away now this company be [ __ ] they don't know what they mean [Applause] stop walking that's why I love this city though a lot of pee I mean almost 9 million people live here because it's so affordable I think that's why it is funny when people ask you like how much how expensive is New York really I tell this tale because it's true earlier this year I helped my friend move the new apartment here in Brooklyn one-bedroom apartment he pays 3000 a MA that and the laughter you just heard is that whoever lives here they're like that's it but seriously three grand a month is what he pays for standard one-bedroom nothing special about it and I helped him move in in January and then we were hanging out on the Stoops afterwards drinking kombucha and pretending to like it you know standard Brooklynite activity like ah this is delicious what is that bacteria it's so good it's so good I can feel it wiggling down my windpipe it's so good this tastes like a bottle of vinegar went out got hammered on PBR and then pissed into this bottle and it's so delicious and good for you why would I want Gatorade with all that sugar no this is bacteria we're doing that and this old timey New Yorker and I love those guys like dirty work pants dirty boots though he probably been retired for 30 years he's got a hat on it's so old I can't tell if it's Yankees or Mets such as and why he's just an old guy and he's got something in a bottle in a bag probably booze old school and he stops writing from the apartment he's just kind of staring at it for a second and then he says I used to live here back in the 70s right here and then my friend goes I just moved in sir and then the guy looks at it's like you didn't even realize we were there oh you what are you a couple trapeze artists I don't know if that's a derogatory term or not cappy's daughters are pretty [ __ ] buff you know they're pretty jacked but we're just sitting there and then he says yeah I used to live in apartment 3 RR that's the apartment I just helped my friend move into and he says he's like that's what I just moved in 3 RR that's right some apartments in Brooklyn have to ours like they wrote fantasy novels so you like that one that's good yeah thank you then there's old dude he goes yep I paid 270 a month and I'm looking at my friend like don't say it don't say it but he's one of those friends who's proud of what he pays he goes well sir I paid three grand a month and this old guy's reaction was worth every cent there's right there just what you [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] this got place three grand a month that's got a streaker and there's no one on the street he's just shouting it to the trees and the fire hydrants three grand what the [ __ ] it's still a one-bedroom it is what the hell they put in that bedroom huh what do you live with this [ __ ] Jets and the Sharks you live with the Jets and the Sharks beginning to get a private Broadway production every night for three grand a month what the hell's in that bedroom a [ __ ] sauna rub it touch 300 you get a private chef what are you got in there Coppola just fix the shoes everyday for three grand a month you got in there huh a university huh you get a college degree when you move in three grand a month what the hell you got in there for three grand another apartment you got a tinier apartment inside that one-bedroom apartment that you get to run out and you pay three grand for one bedroom what the hell is in that tiny apartment huh what do you got an airport to go no damn country and Portugal lifting out a box for three grand what the hell's in there glute they got a clue is that where gluten blows when you're Fred because Oh a one-bedroom inside I want back rub what now you got miss science what the hell's in there time machine you got a time machine a nap you got a time machine and I say if I pay to move in there can I take that time machine back to Tony island in 1983 so as I could tell Paulie I loved him like I should have done then but because we was bulky now is that what's in there true love you want first and last up front down now [ __ ] that there's a strange place to leave you I know but like life itself it's just unexpected thank you all good night chief ah - who's your biggest comic inspiration I don't know that it is any specific comedian I know mr. show what made me want to be able I know that TV program is what made me love comedy and maybe want to talk about it made me realize that I was fun because I was like guys really I think of this ridiculous [ __ ] dare I love it [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 971,639

Keywords: Sean Patton, Live at the Apartment, Mark Normand comedian, Mark Normand stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, homeless, hobo, homelessness, homeless person, stories, backstories, runner, body, hidden camera, women, objectify, mental illness, mental state, Brooklyn, New York City, rent, affordable, kombucha, union, Mr. Show, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: jahpnItJ8xM

Length: 10min 6sec (606 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 03 2019