Who Got Semen on the Roomba? - Logan Guntzelman - Stand-Up Featuring

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Reddit Comments

Not a good look to have all those paid comments.

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/[deleted] 📅︎︎ Oct 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

Congrats Logan! I know you from the open mic scene!

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/eddiewoodftm 📅︎︎ Oct 29 2019 🗫︎ replies
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- Hello. I'm Logan, and I know that that's an unusual name for a woman. And the truth is, my mom picked my name because she thought that on paper, it would be harder for people to tell my gender, and so it would be easier for me to get jobs. And now, (audience laughing) everyone loves women. (audience laughing) Thank you, mom. I have a day job right now, I work for a cannabis distribution startup, that's my job. One "woo!" It's always for weed and not me, but thank you. (audience laughing) I do, I work for a cannabis distribution startup, which means, I'm a drug dealer. That's it. I am a drug dealer. When I applied for the job, they were like, "Send us your LinkedIn profile." And I was like, "This is a legitimate job." (audience laughing) And then I was driving, in the middle of the night, up the coast of California, with a paper bag, filled with 50 thousand dollars cash, and I was like, "No, no, I'm a drug dealer." (audience laughing) My drug dealing job, they keep firing people and promoting me. And I keep telling them not to. (audience laughing) I'm now the head of marketing for this company. The people that laughed are correct. (audience laughing) At the meeting where it happened, my boss, he came over, he shook my hand, he said, "We're so excited to see the direction "you take this company." And this is what I said back to him, this is a direct quote. I said, "I'm only going to let you down." And I walked out of the room. (audience laughing) Yes. In my spare time I've been, I've been bangin' a younger dude, that's what I've been doing. (audience laughing) To the people that woo-ed, I did not say how old yet. (audience laughing) Because he's 12. No, come on. That's not. It's not that way. He's 25, I'm 29. It is a stupid age gap though. Like I've been having to learn how to use Snapchat, that's exhausting. (audience laughing) And him and his younger roommates, they've been introducing me to new problems that I've never encountered. Like I went over the other day, and everyone was arguing because someone had cum on the Roomba. (audience laughing) Sorry, in case you didn't hear me, (audience laughing) you know the circular robot vacuum, it cleans your house for you, yeah, someone got cum on it. (audience laughing) And they were all fighting over who did it, and I was way more hung up on how it happened. (audience laughing) You know, I was like, "Was this an accident? "Was he in the throes of passion with himself, "and the Roomba appeared?" Right? "Was it on purpose, "is this a fetish that I'm unfamiliar with?" You know? Or the Roomba, which is a smart vacuum, was it trying to anticipate the mass? (audience laughing) You know, catch that shit like a football pass. (audience laughing) Also the 25 year old, he's the only male roommate living in the house. Like it was him, he did it. (audience laughing) He did it. (audience laughing) I'm sorry, I did talk about cum a lot just now. Do you guys- are you fans of dirty talk? Do you like it, are you cool with it? (audience cheers) Yeah, okay, just like six of you. Good. (audience laughing) I like dirty talk but I don't like it for the reason I think you're supposed to like it. Like I don't like dirty talk because it turns me on, I like dirty talk because I think that it's informative. (audience laughing) I can explain. I was hooking up with a guy, and I couldn't tell if we were just hooking up or if we were moving towards a relationship. Pretty nerve wracking. And then, on a random Saturday, he invited me over at around 7 PM. Which is a weird time. (audience laughing) Because I was like, am I going to go over, we're going to bang it out, he's going to have me leave, he's going to go about his night, I'm going to feel used, you know? (audience laughing) And we start hooking up, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy, and he leans in and he whispers, "I'm going to fuck you all night." And I thought, "Oh good, I'm going to be here all night." (audience laughing) Like I think I just came from sheer relief. (audience laughing) He was like, "Baby, you're going to be so full of my cum you won't be hungry for breakfast tomorrow." (audience laughing) And I was like, "We're getting breakfast!" (audience laughing) Yeah, you guys seem warmed up enough, so I'm going to talk about my period, now. (audience laughing) So the day I got my first ever period was the same day that Katharine Hepburn died. (audience laughing) I'm sorry if you're just finding out. (audience laughing) And my mom said to me, "A great woman leaves the world, (audience laughing) "and a great woman enters it." Which, what if that was how periods worked? (audience laughing) What if for a girl to get her period, a grown woman had to die? (audience laughing) A girl would feel her her first period, she'd be like, "Oh no. Oh no." (audience laughing) I'll confess, I'm not a good woman. I don't know if that's clear yet. Like, I did not go to the last Women's March. Didn't go to it. I went to Planned Parenthood instead, because I knew there would not be a wait. (audience laughing) I do have to give it to you guys, you took that way better than they did in Huntsville, Alabama. (audience laughing) So that's good on you. I did, I went to Planned Parenthood, and they sat me down, and they were like, "Alright, do you primarily have sex with "men, women, or both?" I was like, "Men." And they were like, "And do those men you have sex with "primarily have sex with men, women, or both?" And I was like, "If all the men I'm having sex with, "as a group, "are primarily having sex with other men..." And then I was like, "Oh that is my vibe, 100%, yep." (audience laughing) It does seem like 99% of the time the dudes I'm fucking are fucking other dudes, and then once in a blue moon, Logan. (audience laughing) I'm going to, I'll tell you one more thing, one more story about my mom, and then I am going to go vape in the bathroom. (audience laughing) So, when I was in college I went to community college and I took night classes. And my mom was worried that I was going to get murdered in the parking lot. So her solution was to just take classes with me. (audience laughing) We took the "History of the Jew in America," that was one. (audience laughing) And you know we are Jews, but it's always good to, you know, freshen up, so that's why we did that. (audience laughing) And the first day the professor did the classic thing where he asks why everyone's taking the class, and he gets to my mom, he's like, "Why are you taking it?" And she said, "Oh, I thought it would be fun "for me and my daughter." He goes, "oh, great" and moves on. And he gets to me, he's like, "Why are you taking it?" I was like, "Oh, I'm Jewish but I wasn't Bat Mitzvahed, "and I don't know that much about our history, "so I thought this would be, you know, a great way "to reconnect with my roots." And he goes, "oh, fantastic" and he moves on. And then my mom leans over to me, and she whispers, "What are you, a fucking suck up?" (audience laughing) Have any of you guys ever been bullied by your mom at school?
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Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up
Views: 2,340,393
Rating: 4.8825011 out of 5
Keywords: Logan Guntzelman, Comedy Central Stand-Up Featuring, Logan Guntzelman comedian, Logan Guntzelman stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, name, weed, drugs, job, dating, younger, cum, semen, Roomba, dirty talk, sex, period, death, Women’s March, Planned Parenthood, mom, college, night class, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up
Id: JUbtMbdx1Ys
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 8min 27sec (507 seconds)
Published: Tue Oct 29 2019
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