Why Weed Isn’t a Gateway Drug - Sean Patton - Stand-Up Featuring

here's my impersonation of a super jealous boyfriend the first time he eats Thai food with his new girlfriend yo who the [ __ ] is Tom [ __ ] that's the stupidest [ __ ] I've ever said all up so you laughed I like you all except you in the [ __ ] button-down chill out [ __ ] Jesus I don't see I don't smoke much weed I like it I'm all about it I'm all about legalization of marijuana I'm just unfortunately one of those people who it still affects wrongly like I I know I've tried at all if [ __ ] done the dabs and the oils and the sativa and the [ __ ] indica and the Alaskan Thunder [ __ ] and the Durban poison and I know I've done the CBD I've done it all there's still every time I smoke weed an 80% chance I'm gonna suddenly notice how many people are wearing hats get weirded out by that for reasons I can't explain and just leave without saying a [ __ ] word to anyone alright there are still people in this country who think it's a gateway drug and here is proof that it's not okay that's someone who's not a massive stoner I've been drunk out of my mind before at a party and someone offered me a mirror full of cocaine and without hesitation I chewed it all of it all of it in a matter of seconds alright I've also been high out of my mind before and someone's offered me a monster energy drink and I was like No [Applause] hell no dude the chemicals they're so thick you know I think there's like saccharine in there I can give you mental cancer if you want to call marijuana a gateway drug it's because you can't you can close the gate you know I mean like booze is a gateway drug they can't call it that because there's no gate anymore cuz it's been plowed over by a [ __ ] guy in an f-150 after tailgating you know how many of you around of applause listen to music at work how many of you that applauded to that are surgeons now did you know that did you know that surgeons listen to music when they operate put on Pandora and just jam out some of them make a playlist and just it's it's cool but it's also a like a reminder we're just a gig to them that's it it's your life but it's just their 2:30 right I learned this okay my little brother is a surgical tech okay that's what he does for a living he assists surgeons in the operating rooms far too much pressure for a young boy 26 like the things he has to do are insane like he called me after assisting in an open-heart surgery and he told me what he had to do he had to reach into a man's opened up chest cavity grab the beating human heart and hold it steady whilst they rotated the patient what why didn't they rotate the guy first saying that out loud that seems completely backwards I didn't think to ask like the surgeon just barge in like cut him open I'm ready like what doctor he hasn't been properly rotated I don't give a [ __ ] I'm an MD get the cotton [ __ ] like alright fine Jesus he always gets like this when he listens to flight of the bumblebee that is such like that's too much pressure I keep my brother's a better man than I could I could never do that job because the whole time I would be fighting thoughts like bite it fight it do it fight right into it eat it eat it eat a man's heart do it right now yeah you go to prison but you'll be the king you'll be the king of the prison no one's ever gonna [ __ ] with you after they hear you ate a man's heart whilst it's still pumped life I bet that's where they actually that's why they actually wear those masks taste one of the sorry sorry my grandfather's in the Donner Party and if it weren't a fault like that it would be another one another morbid thought like tear it out of his chest do it grab this man's heart tightly and rip it out of his chest why spare him the agony of ever having a lover do it and like what if he just did I can't unlike it what if it was a mistake like people [ __ ] up at work all the time like what if my like my younger brother had committed the surgical tech equivalent of like spilling a tray of drinks you know right like you know some people are most people sneeze normally like achoo right but you know some people sneeze like like they're trying to fight turning into a werewolf alright that's how my younger brother sneezes like he's expelling lazy demons so he's like he's holding the heart no sorry now he's just standing there with a disembodied heart the machines boom they're all staring at him like who sent you I would hope in that moment if it ever happened that he would just own it you know like I was quitting this job anyway [ __ ] you nerds it's not what happened don't worry my brother didn't accidentally a murder a guy in fact the surgery wasn't even the main reason he called me the main reason he called is because he wanted me to know that the head surgeon for the duration of that surgery whilst performing it made a play mix that they listened to and it was comprised of one band and that band was Korn someone said Nickelback close enough but not really corn corn anyone remember nineties new metal phenom corn smut with a k' in the back words are creators of such it says all I do is dream about sex and freak on a leash you remember surgery jams maybe you're like me and you grew up in the 90s well I saw I saw corn live in high school and it sucked but it wasn't the band's fault cuz I couldn't even hear the band over all the chatter in the pit about who got into which medical school right over here was all johns-hopkins know there's all Harvard then oh do come my guys pipe down trying to listen to got the life man God like remember hardcore Korn fans Colonels as I called them I already spelled with a k just add a backwards e the Colonel's looked like the band and if you remember torn the members of corn all looked like post-apocalyptic Rastafarian carnival barkers with adidas sponsorships so you know every Colonel's parents are always coming down on him hard like you are never going to amount to squat looking like that with a face full of piercings in it chain wallet that dang long the chains too long to feast the purpose of someone could just get the wall at all those baggy frickin jeans and just with all that slack just step out of you and take their time cherry-picking even write you a note thank you for not grasping the concept of this defensive accessory I could really use this Hot Topic gift card you never get him out just jack squat I'm sure a lot of Colonels didn't accept this one they were like oh yeah [ __ ] you mom and dad I'll show you and now she's a surgeon yeah that's right California I thought this was the [ __ ] frontier where open minds came to Rome that's right the surgeons a woman because women can also be corn fans and why wouldn't they be with such beautiful lyrics s those are corn lyrics by the way it's not like I forgot the song and I'm just gibberish singing nay those are the lyrics and it's written down it's not like the lead singer was just power scatting in the moment no they're written out if you look up their biggest hit freak on a leash quarter billion views on YouTube alone look up the lyrics to that song it's the [ __ ] bridge of the song - boom da da boom Na na minha seems like the lead singer of corn just had epilepsy and neither he nor the band knew what it was so when he was about to lay down the vocals for freak on a leash he started out with another epileptic seizure and from the recording booth the band was like oh [ __ ] record man he's going into genius mode again [Laughter] oh god I blacked out what just happened another platinum jingle but here's the thing here's the thing I was a bit of a colonel myself so I like to give the band the benefit of the doubt maybe the lead singer Jonathan Davis was a genius and that power scouting is actually him giving surgery instructions in Latin that's why they were listening into it in the oh are like wait did he just say de boom not na minha what's it numbing or mommy mother this is important now Mina okay thank you scalpel you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,416,012

Keywords: Sean Patton, Comedy Central Stand-Up Featuring, Sean Patton comedian, Sean Patton stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, drugs, weed, marijuana, smoking weed, legalization, gateway, gateway drug, drunk, drinking, Monster energy drink, music, work, job, surgeons, surgery, heart, eating, sneeze, playlist, Korn, concert, parents, lyrics, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: HWi9skDg104

Length: 11min 50sec (710 seconds)

Published: Thu May 23 2019