He's like, Are you trying to
bribe me? Are you trying to
bribe me right now?" I'm like, No, man, no.
I'm not trying to bribe you. I'm just saying, is there
something that Americans do when they get arrested
in Mexico to make it like it never
existed? <i> [dark electronic music]</i> - Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm Roy Wood Jr. When traveling, make sure-- - [gasps]
- [screams] <i> [ominous music]</i> [maniacal laughter] <i> ♪ ♪</i> - [growling] <i> ♪ ♪</i> <i> [Roy shouts]</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - This next comedian
coming to the stage, - You all this man from
his comedy album "The Realest in the Game," my good friend,
Rob Christensen. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - I'm 35 years old. And I gotta tell you guys, it feels great
to be halfway done. [laughter] We're halfway there, baby. [laughter] I'm getting older, and I'm
trying to smile more. I am. Because I realize
that sometimes people will look at me
and they'll get nervous that I'm gonna freestyle rap
at their house party. [laughter] I might do it. It's gonna be all originals
with a limited vocabulary. [laughter] But really, sometimes people
will look at me and they'll think
that I'm a dick. Because I have a resting dick
face. [laughter] And I have to think about why
do I look like that? And I feel--I really think
it's because for a long period
in my life, I sold drugs in Brooklyn. And when you work in that kind
of line of work, it's good to look like a dick. [laughter] You just want to like-- Just turn it up. [laughs] It started when I was young,
man. Like, before 18, I used to go
on drug adventures with my best friend Gary
and, like, we'd fly to Portland, Oregon, and
we'd buy an ounce of meth, and then we'd fly it back
on the plane hidden in our butt cheeks. And it was before 9/11,
and before 9/11, it was so easy
to fly drugs on an airplane. Our favorite trip that we
used to take is, we'd go down
to Tijuana, Mexico, and we'd buy ketamine. It's the '90s, I'm sorry. And we'd get ketamine,
and we'd take it back across the Mexican border. And we did this a whole bunch, and we knew a lot of bad people and a lot of good people
doing bad things. And people were overdosing
and dying, people were going to jail, and I felt like I was running
out of chances, so I had to get out of
Brooklyn, so I joined the Air Force. And that straightened me out
enough to go to college and it gave me money
to go to college. So shortly after that,
I found myself going to California Polytechnic
State University in San Luis Obispo, California. It was very different than
Brooklyn. It's like the first time
where I understood why people didn't like
white people. Like, I met people whose
parents were still married. [laughter] People whose parents wore suits
to work. They were saving themselves
till marriage. They were going to church every
Sunday. I was terrified. [laughter] But I was doing well
and I was cleaned up and I was healthy,
I was happy. And my best friend
back in Brooklyn, Gary, he did the same thing. He went to college; he was
happy; he was healthy. Got a little money,
decided to visit me. So he comes out to California. And Gary is a Russian Jew. And the only reason that
I mention he's a Russian Jew is because he's a walking
cartoon of a Russian Jew. He knows where you could
buy a wife and he'll haggle the price
for you. He came to San Luis Obispo and
we were there just three hours north of Mexico, and we were feeling good,
we were feeling healthy, and we decided,
hey, for old time's sake, let's just drive to Mexico
and commit a federal crime. And we had a ritual
that we do every time; we rent a car and we go down and we'd be the first one's
there at the granero when they opened up
to buy ketamine. First ones in line.
Well, there was no line; we're the only ones
buying ketamine. But if there was ever a line,
we'd be first. Then we would take the
ketamine, and we'd immediately
shoot it up with syringes. All right, listen. I didn't shoot it in a vein,
okay? I'm not like a heroin addict. I'm better than them. I would shoot in the butt cheek
or a arm muscle. In the muscle.
I'm gross. [laughter] And then we get high
on ketamine and we walk towards the beach. On the way to the beach, we
would hit the fruit stand. I would buy a mango because I
don't know how to cut a mango. The nut's too big.
I always slip. I cut my hand.
I'm too dainty for that. Then when we finally
got to the sand, we would rent sad horses. [laughter] And by the time the horse ride
was over, we'd be sober enough to get
back in the car and go back to America. And this was the ritual we did
over and over and over. We had it like clockwork. Must have been, like, 30 times
we bought K. 30 different mangos. We went and we rode 30 horses. I mean, there probably wasn't
30 different horses, you know? It was probably, like,
repeat horses, because they only had,
like, 17 horses and horses get sick and they're hard
to take care of and stuff and, like, you couldn't
keep a stable of 30 horses. That'd be crazy. But still, I got on 30 saddles
is what I'm saying. And everything
went according to plan. We got back in the car, and then we would drive deeper
into the city to a quiet place
where we would find a place to transfer the drugs
and hide them to go back to America. What we'd do is, we'd empty
tequila bottles and then empty
the liquid ketamine into the tequila bottles
and reseal them. So then we'd get to the border, and the border patrol
would be like, "Yo, dog,
what are you bringing back?" And I'd be like, "Yo, son,
I just got this tequila." And he'd be like, "No doubt.
Enjoy America." And then I'd play
the national anthem, and I would cross the border. [laughter] That might not be how border
patrol agents talk. I don't know.
I--might be-- I might be misremembering
that part. So I see a place
that looks quiet, and I turn up this block, and I end up going the wrong
way up a one-way street. And on that street is an SUV
filled with four Federales. They see me, lights and sirens;
pull me over, pull me out of the car,
search the car, find all of our ketamine. So now we're screwed. I'm on the curb there.
I got a gun in my face. And I'm actually nervous
about this gun thing. This is the first time
I've ever been nervous when I had a gun in my face. In my life, it was the third
time I had a gun in my face. The first time I had a gun in
my face is when I was 16 years old and I got caught writing
graffiti in Brooklyn and a cop put a gun
in my face. But I wasn't nervous that I'd
get shot 'cause I'm a white dude in
America, and we don't get shot. [laughter] I could literally be waving a
gun around, and they'd be like,
"Sir, calm down. Calm down, sir. Can we get you a soda?" [laughter] The second time
I had a gun in my face, it was put there by
archnemesis in Brooklyn, a white Crip
named Willie Boats. [laughter] And I wasn't nervous when
Willie put a gun in my face because Willie Boats is a bitch
who ain't gonna do shit! [laughter] [cheers and applause] But this time, the third time
I got a gun in my face, I'm nervous, and the reason is 'cause this time,
I'm an actual bad guy. I'm a drug trafficker. I'm a drug tourist. You know, to the people
back in San Luis Obispo where I came from,
they don't see a difference between a drug tourist
or a sex tourist or a hit man for the mafia. It's all just bad people
to them, and I think, "Shit, if this cop thinks
I'm a bad person, he might feel it's within his
rights to actually shoot me, and I don't know
if I blame him for it. 'Cause I'm taking advantage
of his country." But I've been in a lot of
situations with cops before, so as soon as they try
to talk to me, I knew exactly what to do. I immediately started crying. [laughter] It was wet tears
down rosy cheeks. There might have been a little
snot involved. The goal was for him
to be like, "There's no way I'm gonna put
this little bitch in jail." And they separate us like cops
do to interrogate us, try to get us to mix up
our stories. And I'm such a drug addict
at the time, there was no way I was gonna
rat out my drug dealer. So I wound up screaming
the story loud enough for Gary to hear so he could
repeat the story. So I'm like, "We bought it off
some weird Mexican dude outside of the hotel that looks
like a festival!" And Gary screamed back, "I
don't know, we just bought it "off some weird dude outside
of a hotel that looks like a carnival!" Close enough, Gary.
You're a gangster. That's my G right there.
Kept the connect. So now they realize nothing's
gonna happen with the interrogation,
and we reached the final part of this,
where it's like, what--are we gonna go
somewhere? Like, to a dirty Mexican prison
or what? What's gonna happen? And so I stopped him and I was
like, Hey, man, is there, like--is there,
like, something I could do to make this go away? And the cop got mad. He's like, What are you
talking about? What are you saying to me
right now? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe like, can I give you
something, and then this doesn't happen,
you know? Like, what--
is there something-- He's like, Are you trying to
bribe me? Are you trying to
bribe me right now?" I'm like, No, man, no. I'm not trying to bribe you. I'm just saying, is there
something that Americans do when they get arrested
in Mexico to make it like it never
existed? And the dude was like,
Yeah, you give me money, you give me money. But I didn't have no cash
on me, and Gary didn't have no cash
on him, because we spent every dime
we could on drugs. So I was like,
"Listen, man, I gotta go, I can get it out of an ATM." And for some reason, Gary didn't have any money
in the ATM. I still don't know why,
to this day, he didn't offer up
his ATM card. They were like,
All right, no doubt. You go to the ATM and get
some money for us, and we're just gonna hold Gary. [laughter]
We're just gonna hold Gary to make sure you come back. So now I'm on my way to an ATM, and I'm nervous 'cause,
like, I got my boy's life in my hands. I mean, we turned around
at this point. We weren't hard-core
drug dealers no more. We were just, like, kids trying
to have fun again. Like, we were college kids now. We were straightened up. This is not supposed to be
happening. I couldn't let myself
go out like that, and I certainly couldn't let
my boy go out like that. So I hit an ATM.
I put the card in. Doesn't work--something with my
card being an American card-- and I'm getting nervous. I hit another ATM; the same
thing, it won't work. So that's it, I'm at
the, like, last point where I'm just like,
God, please, God. If you just let me get this
money out the ATM and get out of this situation, I promise I will never, ever
do drugs again. And I hit the third ATM,
and boom, I get the money out. I pulled out, like, 250 bucks, which is, like, 3 million pesos
or something. It just kept coming, like-- [mimics mechanical clicking] Just fuckin'-- Just-- [laughter] And I rush back
to go save Gary. And when I get back,
the situation's changed. Gary's now sitting in our
rental car, white as a ghost. I don't know
what they said to him to make sure he didn't move
that fuckin' car. And then I look in the back
and all the cops are back in the SUV, and the SUV door just opens
on its own like a horror movie, and I know that they want me to
enter their little horror SUV. So I get into the backseat
and I climb in, and now I'm in between
two Federales and there's two in the front. The dude who's driving asked
for the money; I give it to him,
he counts it. And he was happy with
the amount, and he's like, All right,
get out of here. And I'm just like, I did it. And I'm climbing out, and I was
like, that was so easy; I can't believe it was--
just took 250 bucks to get out of this. And I'm halfway out the back
of the SUV and I get a hand
on my shoulder. And a cop's spinning me around. I'm like, "This is it. This is the gun in my face,
the knife in my gut, they're gonna cut my head off, put it on a tortoise in
the desert." This is the--
I knew it's too easy. And the cop spins me around. I look at him;
we make eye contact. And he's like,
"You forgot this," and gives me back all my drugs. [cheers and applause] And I jumped out of the SUV,
I'm like, Screw you, God! I don't even believe in you! I'm getting high, baby!
See you on my deathbed! [cheers and applause] I jumped back into our car. We get going, we transfer
our drugs, and we're going. We don't say anything
to each other. We've just been through this,
like, traumatic experience. And we're driving, and I feel
Gary turn in to look at me, and he's gonna say, like,
the first thing he said to me in probably 40 minutes. And I'm like, This is it. This is gonna be our first
best friend "I love you." I've been waiting for him
to say it. I'm gonna say it back. And I look at him
and I'm waiting for it and he turns to me and he looks
at me and he's like, "You paid them
way too much money. You could have gave 'em, like,
$50, man. Why are you wasting--
that's more drug money! Screw you, Gary. You owe me money now. But we made it back,
and we were safe, and we did our drugs. But--
- We did our drugs. We did our drugs. [laughter] And we haven't gone back to
Mexico since then to smuggle any drugs. But I did--I learned a really
important lesson from that. And it's that you should never,
ever drive the wrong way
up a one-way street. [laughter] [cheers and applause] And also I'm not smuggling
drugs no more from Mexico. But if by chance anyone
has some ketamine already in America... I'm just saying, I got a
birthday every year. Hook me up. [laughter] Peace. [cheers and applause] <i> - Rob Christensen, y'all.</i> <i> [dark electronic music]</i>
