And then she slips into like full on tantrum mode where
she like presses herself into the wall and starts going, "You
owe me a major apology." Thank you, everybody.
On this show here's what happens, it's just a bunch of
comics telling true stories and that's all it is. Tonight it's
all about fights. He's absolutely hilarious, you guys
love him. Give it up, Mr. Will Weldon, everybody. Let him hear
it. I was out on a second date with a lady. And our
first date had been fine, you know like date where afterwards
you're like, "I still have no opinion on this person." Like it
could still.. We had a nice time, but then she slept in
until 11:30 the next morning, and that's a weird thing to do
in a stranger's bed. Like it's just weird, it's weird to have
someone in your bed and you've like written some e-mails and
read for a bit, and you've got like a coffee and you're like,
"I don't know, is she dead? What do I do now?" But, uh,
so we went out again. And I took her to get dinner to pay her
back for the tickets to this thing we did on the first date.
Also, we didn't sleep together, in case she sees this and she's
like, "You lying piece of shit." She just slept at my place, so I
didn't even like wear her out with sex or anything. We were
like, "Good night." I don't do that anyway. It's not my move.
But so we go out, we get dinner and that's nice, it's
a nice time and she tells me I'm like cute and funny. And I'm
like, "Yeah, sure, I don't know how to feel good about myself in
appropriate ways, so that's perfect. That's just what I need
outside validation." And we go back to my apartment, we leave
my car and her purse there and we go to a bar and we drink at a
bar 'cause you do. And we're there and we're having like a
nice time. And she's like three beers in and then I kinda just
see her face kinda start to change. And earlier in the night
we walked by a bridal store, just like by happen stance. And
she had been like, "That's a really nice dress." And I was
like, "Slow down, like.." 'Cause I'm an asshole so I was like,
"Take it easy, lady." She was like, "No no, I just
mean, it's nice, it's a well-made dress." I was like,
"Well, I don't want to get married again anyway, so it
doesn't matter to me 'cause I'm an asshole." And she's sitting
there at the second bar and I kind of see her.. she's like
laughing and I like watch her face get very serious and she's
just like, "You know, Will, I think it's really sad that you
don't want to get married again. You know, I think it's really
sad. I think it's sad, you don't want to get married again
because you are basing that decision not off of a marriage,
but off of a divorce. Because you are divorced, Will. You're
divorced." First of all, I know. I was there and it
was terrible. But also, I was also married. Like I can't just
be divorced. You must be married to get divorced. And I start to
explain to her that and then I'll tell her like, "Oh it's
just not for me and I'm not insulting the institution." And
I start to say that and she goes, "No! No! Do not interrupt
me, do not interrupt me or I will leave!" And in my brain I'm
like, "I wonder if there is a way for me to get her to just
leave now." 'Cause the date is over at this point. No one is
ever like, "Well, she won me over when she screamed in my
face not to interrupt her. That's when I knew, that's when
we really clicked, when she made a scene on the second date."
And then she's like spiraling, she's getting so mad.
She's like, "It's pathetic, it is pathetic you don't want to
get married again. It's pathetic. You're just so
pathetic. It's pathetic you don't want to get married again
because I have been through so much in my life and I will get
married. I would get married and I have been through so much. I
had a fiancé who abused me physically, emotionally, and
sexually. Yeah, I'm cool with those things now, but at the
time I was not cool with what he wanted me to do in bed. Which I
love that she was like, "Yeah I'm cool now, don't worry about
it, but back then, in case you turn this around somehow, you're
in for a good time, buddy." And she's like "It's
pathetic, I, you know, I was anorexic, I weighed ninety five
pounds, and now I am one hundred and ten and now I am healthy, I
am healthy. Okay?" And maybe that seems like a lot of like
personal information to be throwing at someone on a second
date, but earlier in the night I'd been talking to her and she
had mentioned she and her and mom donít get along and she was
like, "Yeah, I think my mom resents me because when I get
pregnant at eighteen, I went and got an abortion and like made
the decision that she didn't have the courage to make." And
also knew that she was an only child, so I was like, "Are you
ripping on your mom for not aborting you right now?" I am
very pro-choice, but even to me that seems crazy. "You
coward, you didn't abort me, you piece of shit." Like, it's
insane behavior. And she's so mad, she's like, "Pathetic, you
piece of shit, it's pathetic." And then she's like, "We are.. I
am calling an Uber and we are going back to your place and you
are driving me home." And I was like, "I've got a crazy idea,
why don't you call an Uber and go home? Like, why don't we cut
out the middle man being me and you just go home? Because,
honestly, you've been really rude to me tonight. I don't want
to drive you home." And she goes, [gasps] "How dare you?
First of all, my purse is at your apartment and I do not know
where you live." And I filed that away in the good news pile,
for sure. Checkmark. And then she's like, "But, also,
how are you talk to me like that? No one has ever spoken to
me that way." Which means she had the world's most polite
abusive fiancé. Like, he'd just be like, "Time for a walloping,
Madame." So I'm like, "Yeah, sure, fine, just get out of my
life." So we go out and she calls the Uber, it shows up, we
get in. I open the door for her and as she gets in she goes,
"Fuck you," like under.. like she's like, "Now is not the time
for chivalry." So we take the car back to her house
and I'm talking with the driver as if nothing's going on 'cause
I know it is making her so mad that I am not acknowledging the
reality of the situation.. That I'm just like, "Oh yeah, crazy
night. Nah, we were just having drinks and heading back now."
She's like, "I'm gonna.. this piece of shit.. I just wanna.."
So we get back and we go up to my apartment. I go and splash
like cold water on my face 'cause that's like what people
do in movies during really stressful situations. And I go
into my bedroom and she's like, "I looked it up, a taxi home is
twenty five dollars, you owe me twenty five dollars."
And I'm like, "No, no, I'll drive you home. It's not.. I
will drive you home, like I want to make sure you get home safe."
And she's like, "I'm not getting in a car with you after you have
spoken to me like this. You have called me rude and a bitch." And
I was like, "I did not call you a bitch, I don't call people
that. I don't use that word, I did not call you that." So she's
like, "Well, calling me rude is the same thing." It's
really not the same thing at all, at all, at all, at all.
Like if you look up "rude" in the dictionary, it's not gonna
be like, "See also: bitch," like. So I'm like, "No, I'm not
giving you money." And she's like, "Give me twenty dollars."
I go, "No." She goes, "Give me fifteen." I go, "No!" And she's
like, "Okay, ten." And I'm like, "This is not a Bazaar in
Calcutta, alright? We're not bartering over your.. you're
getting a ride home or you're paying for your own way home,
but I'm not giving you any money." And then she
starts to cry and she's like, "Well, apologize to me then.
Apologize. You owe me a major apology." That is going to
become a key phrase over the course of the night: "a major
apology". She's like, "You owe me a major apology." And in my
brain I go, "Hey, now might be a good time for me to take the
world's stupidest and most pointless stand." And I go, "No,
I will not apologize to you. I'm not apologizing to you." And
she's like, "Apologize, apologize!" And she's like
crying and she storms out, slams my front door. I go to my
roommate's room, uh, and he's like, "What was that?" And I'm
like, "I have a story for you, sir." And as soon as I
finished it, there's like a pounding on the front door. And
I go, "For sure, that's her." Um, absolutely, one hundred
percent. There's no way it's not, it's not Rahad downstairs
like, "Just reminder about the rent. Just wanted to pound on
your door at one thirty in the morning." So I go down and she's
staying there and she's crying and she's like, "You asshole.
Why didn't you answer your phone? I just want a ride home."
And I'm like, "Well, my phone's on silent because if I, I don't
know if you remember this, but at one point tonight we were on
a date with each other." Like I know it seems like a long time
ago.. And I'm like, "Okay, I will drive you home." And she's
like, "No, apologize, apologize!" And then
she slips into like full on tantrum mode where she like
presses herself against the wall and she starts going, "You owe
me a major apology. You owe me a major apology." Like you know
how kids get out an impossible number of words in one breath
and you're like, "How are you saying these many words so
forcefully with one intake of breath?" So then she migrates to
my front yard and sits down and is still crying and she's
calling.. She calls me and I hang up on her and I'm like,
"I'm still over here, you know." So I go over and she's
still freaking out and finally I go, "Listen, if you will not let
me drive you home, I'm gonna go back inside. I'm not doing this
all night." And she's like, "If you go inside, I will pound on
your door all night." I go, "Well, if you do that I'm going
to have to call the police." And she goes, "You fucking psycho!
What the fuck? You're going to call the police on me? What the
fuck is wrong with you?" And then she flips, and she's like,
"You piece of shit, I'm fucking glad you're divorced. You
deserve to be divorced; you don't deserve anything in life!"
And I'm like, "So you don't want the ride home then?
Is what I'm taking from this." So I start to go back upstairs
and she's like following me like cursing me out like a reverse
hype man.. I'm like a rap.. like, "You piece of shit, you're
nothing and I hope you don't ever get anything and you're a
fucking garbage to me." So I go and I close the door behind me
in her face and my roommate is standing at the top of the
stairs and he goes, "I thought you were exaggerating!"
So she's like pounding on the door and then she starts calling
me and she's like, "You fucking piece of shit. You piece of
shit. Face me! Come down here and face me!" Like, like she's
Achilles in Troy, like I murdered her brother and she's
like, "Face me in one-on-one combat, you coward! Come down
from your battlement, Eric Banner." So she's pounding on
the door and she's calling me, and then she's like, "You
fucking cunt, you fucking coward." And then she goes, "Be
a man and face me! Why don't you be a man and grow a cunt?"
Well, like, the best insult of all time. Like that's
so good. Like in her brain she was like, "Yeah I'm mad but I'm
still going to strike a blow against society's binary notions
of gender. Okay?" So finally she figures out the magic sentence
which is, "Get down here or I'm going to destroy your car." And
I'm like, "Fair enough, I will see you in a few moments. Very
good, you found the magic phrase." So I go down and I show
her on my phone I've dialed 911 and I press call and then she is
like [gasps], ìYou called the police on me? I just want a ride
home. Hang up!" So I hang up because why wouldn't I trust
her? Like, has she acted irrationally at any point
tonight? No, no! Oh, the most trustworthy source of the world.
So I hang up, and it's her. And I'm like, "Okay, let's
go. Why don't we.." And as soon as I put my hand on her shoulder
she's like, "You piece of shit. You don't fucking touch me! You
don't touch me!" She slaps me in the face and then she tries to
kick me, but like I.. for some reason, I throw up like an MMA
style shin block. Not a thing I have ever tried before. I was
like, "As long as I am embracing new experiences, why don't I
give this one for a spin?" And so I press redial
'cause that's a thing you can do on a phone, that's like the flaw
in her plan to get me not to call the police and then to
attack me is I can be like, "Oh, right, I should have not hung up
in the first place." So I press redial and the dispatcher comes
on and Iím like, "There is a woman I was on a date with
attacking me in my front yard right now." Like as I say the
words out loud I'm like, "Hold on, is this really what's
happening right now?" And also I'm being very casual on the
phone 'cause I'm not scared. She is like so tiny. Like I'm not
scared of her, worst case scenario I just have to like
destroy her in a fist fight. Like that is, she's not gonna
beat me. I'm just gonna take her, it's like that fight
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins got in where he was just like
waving a guy around from his jersey. So I'm.. I tell the
dispatcher what's happening and then this lady runs away. She
runs off into the night like the world's shittiest mystical
creature. Like she was like, "My terrible work here is done." I
don't.. I still don't know what that work was. And
she.. so she's running off and I'm talking to the dispatcher
and then the cops come and I'm like, "A woman was here." I was
like, "She ran off." I'm like, "I don't want to file charges or
anything, I just don't know how she's going to get home." I was
like, "I'm sorry this is like such a stupid call." And the
cops were like, "No, this is great, we love the easy ones."
I'm like, "That's always great to hear cops be like, "No, no,
we hate working, this is perfect." That was..the most,
the second most reassuring moment of the evening.
And then they leave and then she calls me twice and I send her to
voicemail, she does not leave one. One of my life's great
regrets. And then after that, she texts me a, "You know, it's
really rude to not answer my phone calls." Like, the most
serious de-escalation of all time. But the best.. and I never
hear from her again, that is it for our interaction. She blocks
me on Tinder and Instagram, that's fine. There's a lot of
selfies of her bedroom, that's fine. While I'm talking to the
dispatcher, the best part is I'm telling her what happened and
I'm like, "Yeah, she attacked me and she just ran off, she's run
up the street toward Sunset. I don't know how she's going to
get home." And the lady goes, "Are you still seeing her, sir?"
And I'm like, "No, I'm not gonna keep seeing her!" And then the
dispatcher goes, "No, sir, I'm asking if she's still visible to
you." Like I think she's so bad at her job she going to be like,
"Are you going to see her again? 'Cause this bitch sounds crazy."
Alright I'm done. Thanks, guys.
Really good job, my favorite part was when she ran off into the night like the world's shittiest mystical creature.
That was great. I didn't expect to watch 17 minutes of anything by someone I'm not familiar with, but it didn't seem that long because it was so engrossing. Your imagery was great. I've been in situations like that before, and it's mostly not fun. Can be a good story in retrospect, as you've demonstrated, and also the cops who have responded to my situation or two were really cool.
About that accent, where in New England are you? Massachusetts?
I got a great laugh out of it. You should date more often.
Loved your stuff. Great job.
Jesus Christ. Just remember, it could have been worse.
At least you never drove her home given how unstable she was that sounds like a great way to get a fabricated charge of rape or assault.
Great yarn....love the Chara reference.
I listened to this last night while browsing YouTube. Great story, man.
One does not simply "make it go viral."