Sean Patton - When Life Gives You Balls, Make Lemonade - This Is Not Happening

and now the three of us are like no no no no no no no no no and that vividly remember shouting whoops sorry welcome to this is not happening I'm your host Roy Wood jr. [Music] [Music] let's ballgame drop your shuttlecocks it's tough time I see you MVP right there yeah what's your secret chief analyst with the stage linear time let's get ready for another story [ __ ] my dog this is Shawn [Music] one of most important nights of my life Oh sixteen years old with my two best friends we were at a park on the river the Mississippi River in New Orleans Louisiana sharing a forty and smoking a blunt I don't have to tell you about a blood Southern California you understand that word such a they're so easy Bloods are so easy you take the cigar you cut it open with the razor blade you got from the guy who sold you're clearly underage ask the cigar usually for only seventy five cents more you get all that tobacco out of there you refill it with marijuana you roll it real tight you slobber all over it you run a flame along that slobber so it heats up and then congeals as it cools then it unravels right there and the weed falls all over the [ __ ] concrete and you pick it up pick it up fast you try not to get too much dirt and then you repeat the process you just roll it real tight you don't need any more slobber so you run that flame across it again whoops you need it more slobber there it goes falls apart again now you're [ __ ] angry now your friends your other friends got his lighter you're all making sure you're getting all the weed his later gets hot he burns you in the calf you kick him in the head hey guys remember we're smoking a blunt chill the [ __ ] out then all three of you slobber all over it and I'll individually run your lighters across the slobber and now you have what essentially resembles a [ __ ] branch from a dead sapling you have to smoke that that Blunt was such a piece of [ __ ] was like I remember your finger you had to hold it with your fingers touching five separate points to prevent it from unraveling a fourth time and to plug all the rips then because I didn't break the weed up very well in order to even get a hit you had to blow into it first to loosen the weed create a passage then light then take a hit and then release your fingers in a specific sequence to create that carbon so so I'm doing the motion I realize it wasn't really a bluff at all was there's a marijuana clarinet so we're shared before he playing the marijuana clarinet when this grown man stranger suit tie hair slicked just emerges from the darkness of the night puffing on a cigarette rolls up on it gets about 6 feet away and just stares hard and we are three very high teenagers so our and initially right away we all three just freeze like we communicated telepathically like don't move he can only see us if we move and then my friend Brian seated to the right of me who has no sense of humor that's very important to know for what he was about to say he goes maybe he has a message he meant that he was that high he was medieval level high maybe he received a raven from the king but then my other friend darius on the other side of me elbows mean the ribs hard and says no just like that no so harshly and i know i was high but it was like I saw the word no pop out of his mouth and I stared at it as it floated to what he was saying no in reference to which was the man's balls which were on display I don't know how that wasn't the first thing we saw and let me be clear it wasn't an accident his balls weren't accidentally hanging out of his pants no no it was like he saw us before we saw him it was like balls okay so now and immediately the three of us you like who like focused on the guy's pulse you couldn't look away you tried like ah the ball look at this oh my god the balls are so the ball because we still had young teenage balls now we're changing and morphing every day those were grown man balls opaque like I've never seen before and where'd you look at the balls look they're different sizes they're different sizes they look like a before and after picture Bobby move body move when he breathes they moved to my boobs we were [ __ ] fixated on this man's balls and he knows that and he knows that because the next thing he does is takes a giant drag of that cigarette gets a [ __ ] amber of Satan going at the end of it a real demon ash and then starts going directly at his balls with the lid into that cigarette directly and his balls he's gonna put the cigarette out on his [ __ ] balls and now the three of us are like no no no no no no no and I vividly remember shouting we're sorry [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] because my young high mind had deduced oh he must be an undercover cop and this must be what they do if they catch you drinking and smoking underage and apart they force you to watch them mutilate their genitals it's protocol it works this sucks please know what's already but he didn't make contact he stopped he stopped like a centimeter away from his paws and looked at us with the eyes of pure [ __ ] madness and blew all of that smoke out of his nose like a [ __ ] dragon and then pulled the cigarette away he took one last drag flicked it away and said to us man all you get in life is you balls learn how to use them and then he walked away like angry like it was our fault like oh sorry we were on you're airing out your balls Pass sorry we didn't mean to be here you were taking your balls for a walk like he had that sort of OCD like well I got to show my balls to people three times a day or else killer bees will attack every major city in America I think about that man in his balls every single day in my life I do because he showed us his balls yes but he didn't show us his dick and balls exactly that I'm grateful for exactly it was just balls dick and balls too much and a bug let's not stay for this message and it only told this story once to the police but there was no dick hey that dick was tucked away in those trousers hidden from our young eyes it was just balls okay now think about just the balls for a second I know you have been since I brought it up think about just balls but they're not that day yeah it's not that creeping it's just there's balls just sort of dangling or up here scared it's cold I'm scared we're dangling they're just balls they're not it they're not a dick [ __ ] judgmental dick staring at you calculating its next move trying to trick you looking like it's asleep and then then suddenly just up in your [ __ ] face [Applause] now balls are just balls they're almost waving at you balls are almost waving at you balls are like that guy in the neighborhood you grew up into the guy who has Down syndrome a wave to the school buses every day he's harmless that guy that statement didn't give him Down syndrome by the way just shade he's a harmless friendly guy and your parents let him mow your lawn twice a week hello hi they're not they're not a dick balls aren't a [ __ ] crazy dick with its one eye staring I evict the dicks like the bully you grow up with oh he's trying to spit on [Applause] [Laughter] they're just balls they're just dangling balls are like a manatee in a hammock so chill that's what he showed us his balls I don't know his intention I don't know if he was trying to [ __ ] with us but I do know this there were three of us that night and saw the man's balls myself my friend Darius my other friend Bryan now after it happened Darius was the first to say anything about it he goes why the [ __ ] did that just happen and then he didn't speak again for hours hours locked in a pensive cage just sort of walking a few feet behind us staring at the ground like let him think it out whatever it is and then when he finally did speak again hours later his first words were why does anything just [ __ ] happen that man's balls unlocked Darius his love of philosophy which he went on the study at Washington University in st. Louis and now lives in New York and is the chief technical officer at an investment firm because all that philosophizing made him realize hey there's no money in thought computers and now he's doing pretty well for himself myself after seeing that man's balls and laughing the way I did realize that I too wanted to share the gift of laughter and now here I am a [ __ ] millionaire [Applause] I mean not not in money I mean laughter there was a laughter Bank I have about a million laughs I'd say because laughter is the true currency if you're a real comedian but also money's good and I'm into it so you know please give me some and my other friend Brian after seeing that man's balls realized that he always had and always would love men's balls I [Laughter] bet he wished the guy did show his dick he wanted to see a pair of man's balls every day for the rest of his life he went to college in Boston came out of the closet met a man there married that guy moved back to New Orleans after Katrina that was the first time I saw him after he'd come out right yeah that's what he moved back yeah move back bought him and his lover bought a hotel reopened it it was a smash success so they bought a bunch of other hotels around the country Brian and his lover are actual millionaires because the three of us became better [ __ ] men because that guy chose us to show his balls to you gotta look for the positive in life a lot of people would want to play the victim in this story a lot of people would want to say they were molested know where we molested absolutely not we were challenged the only problem however is now every single time I walk past a group of teenagers hanging out god damn it should I go back there and give them all a future [Applause] now they're all looking at their phones it'll be fun thank you guys very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,479,539

Keywords: Sean Patton, Sean Patton comedian, This Is Not Happening, Sean Patton this is not happening, comedy central, This isn't happening, roy wood jr, New Orleans, teenagers, blunts, getting high, marijuana, weed, young, stranger, flashing, flasher, penis, dick, balls, genitalia, storytelling, philosophy, mic drop, millionaire, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians

Id: XOJ5N6TCnxs

Length: 15min 39sec (939 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 06 2019