Josh Johnson Had to Prove He Was Black to a Blind Man

[Music] ever since I was a kid and my voice changed I've been told by people all over the country people of different ethnicities backgrounds have been told by people that I have an incredibly white voice that's what they say and people try to act like they can't hear but if I called and then showed up you'd be surprised like you know every time I leave in my laugh is like hahaha like every time I laugh someone somewhere gets audited like that's what the auditing is you know but I didn't realize how like white my voice sounded to people until I was in Louisiana where I grew up and I was running for the bus and the bus in Louisiana is not like the bus anywhere else because the bus in Louisiana comes once a year it's a big deal you need to make it knees to chest okay the stakes are high I don't know the bus stops I've never been on it but I was running so fast and so hard that I knocked down this old man and I mean I cleared him okay normally I feel bad but as the clothes my little bodies ever come to football so I was pretty excited I was like he might be dead look at me go no but I did feel bad so I let the bus go I helped him up to his feet it was his old black van and and I even realized that he was blind so I saw his stake so I grabbed his stick I put a stick back in his hand and I was like sir I'm so sorry I hope you're not injured you know you came out of nowhere please forgive me and then this old blind black man went so hands off me Oh and I was like sir sir I'm black I'm black like you and he was like nice try Kaka like there was nothing there was nothing I could do and I've never had to prove I was black for so I got mad but in the matter I got the wider I sounded but so the point Raj is standing from like by golly I'm black gosh darn it there's nothing I could do was terrible no I don't know I want to talk to people like it's a real thing I just I like I have friends now but the damage is done when I was a kid I just sit in my room and read encyclopedias which is not a kid you want to talk to you know how's it going sport you want how many mouths hear this from the Sun Oh God get that away but now I'm used to being alone so I'll just sit I'll think about a thing I'll sit and just be alone and thinking about the thing but then when I talk to someone they're like what are you talking about I'm like no no no I'm not crazy I was thinking about this all day like I I ran through all the channels all right I'm not crazy you're crazy okay I'm not I can't be crazy you need to check your you're just finding out I've been here all right like the best example I can give is I don't get in heated arguments with people over like race or religion or politics or anything cuz all the stuff I care about is too dumb for anybody else to care about like no one everyone is yeah I mean it's just me you know I mean just by myself like the best example I can give is when you go to the bathroom now you wash your hands and then you go to dry your hands but there's no paper towels there's that air dryer where is the air coming from [Applause] where's the air coming from that is bathroom air that is that is ass air all right you might as well fart your hands dry if you're going to try your hands like that so then I leave the bathroom I leave the bathroom my hands wet you know so that I shake people's hands like why your hand wet because I'm clean okay I'm not crazy you're crazy okay I'm not crazy you're crazy right you know because I was just I would just sit alone and read and think and read more and then have nobody to talk to and then read and then finally talk to somebody and they're like ugh I was happening yeah I mean like Fred says I realize history books you know just sitting in my room red light world history American history southern history because I grew up in Louisiana she wanted to know and one of the things I read that's always tripped me out right is that like after the Civil War they let the slaves go but the slaves still lived in the south so you probably ran into your ex slave like all the time which is got to be the most awkward ex running in history just like oh my god there yes don't look don't look don't look don't look don't look don't look don't look Hey are you doing are you mad [Laughter] what you gonna do I actually know like eyes I straight up I had a nightmare one time I did a genuine nightmare that I was a slave which wasn't even the worst part of the nightmare the worst part is that I was the worst slave in human history I was the war I was so bad I was yelling at the slave I was like I'm not trying to start a revolution I can't pick it up all right no I passed out from heatstroke twice today okay you can whip me if you want but I'm anemic so I will bleed out and that's on you okay are you gonna kill me please kill me please kill me I would love for you that this heat is what's killing me I've got hay fever for two months and then they moved me into the house but they didn't teach me how to read so I don't know any recipes so the food is so bad that even the slaves are mad like everyone is mad at me and then I almost burned the house down trying to boil some water you know to the point where Massa comes up to me at the end of the dream mains like look look I don't know what to do with you you free okay I woke up fired from being a slave they have this thing that happens in New York line I don't know if it happens in LA as much but people will get a rescue dog and as always as always bother me they will get a rescue dog and they'll tell everyone the rescue dog story in front of the dog it's right there you tell its whole embarrassing life story it's right here it can hear you yeah I mean they do it all the time like oh this is Fifi she's a rescue the funny story I found her under a bridge Raggedy I mean like dusty struggling I mean only three hairs on her little head you know I tried to feed her she even know how to eat I was trying to feed her she was like she had no idea how to eat and so I had to grab her little mouth I had to chew the food I had to put the food in her mouth I had to make her little head shoe I'm a hero I'm a hero is what I'm saying I'm a hero you know I wonder if dogs do that to us you know I mean like I wonder if dog go to the park and see other dogs and they're like oh yeah look that's Bill he's a rescue michaela left him and he lost his job in the same week so he really hadn't been doing anything alright I can't even watch my shows because he's at home all the time it's absolutely sometimes I will poop on the floor just to give him something to do that day and he'll try to act mad but deep down he's like thank you for giving me purpose I appreciate it thank you so much he's a rescue don't just try to do my part yeah help out there's a thing that always bothers me I get upset with people over how they use language just because it if you use cliches I feel like you don't care about this conversation like you're just using several things that have been said before I think you're just making up things until I go away that's that's what it feels like because people will use the cliches without thinking about what they mean you know like people will say things like have you ever noticed when people say call me old-fashioned it's always for something good no people are like call me old-fashioned but you should hold the door open for the person behind you were like call me old-fashioned but the man should pay for the day bad things happened in old fashion yeah I mean are you serious no one's ever like call me old-fashioned but we need some slaves around here we really do like really there's no more overhead to pay all right if they can build the pyramids they can make Subway sandwiches I will not lose my franchise this year it's insane no one's ever like call me old-fashioned but I like when women voice their opinion that's just always it has always upset at me feels gross I don't like it they're just throwing out ideas but I would have had if they had given me enough time to say it myself but then they're talking and it's like oh no the other one that I really hate that really kills me it really upsets me is don't judge a book by it's cover I get what you're trying to say I get I get what you're getting at you know I mean don't judge just on appearances don't it there's more than what meets the eye I get it right but that's a bad analogy when was the last time a book had the wrong cover but when it helped me out when have you been going to the bookstore to get a present for your niece and you like get Winnie the Pooh she liked Winnie the Pooh and then you grabbed Wayne the Pooh you just look at the cover you don't read it and so you grabbed me in the pool and then you wrap it up and then you give it to her and then she unwrapped say she's like all Wayne the Pooh I'm so excited and then she turns the page past the covenants mind calm that's never happened no one's going to a bookstore just putting different books on different covers that's insane sometimes I'll be in New York on the subway I'll be like he's about to be crazy I don't know he's about to do but he's about to be crazy I can tell you that right now I'm just looking at him he's about to be crazy honey and the train will come and it will leave and he won't get on or leave the station he just pulls his pants and I'm like see that book was wearing its cover [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 6,350,894

Rating: 4.9225259 out of 5

Keywords: The new negroes, new negroes, baron Vaughn, open mike eagle, comedy central, comedy central stand up, Josh Johnson, white people, voice, black people, Louisiana, blind, blind man, history, Civil War, slavery, awkward, The South, nightmare, New York City, rescue dog, cliché, conversation, old-fashioned, book, cover, crazy, funny, stand up comedy, comedy, comedy show, tv show, tv comedy, funny video, comedy videos, comedian, comedians, best stand up, best comedy

Id: v3bfbIg1U5s

Length: 11min 53sec (713 seconds)

Published: Tue May 28 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Frankincenseandmyrh]

I'm always so happy when I see people appreciate intj humor.

I'm even happier knowing Josh's boss is the one and only Trevor Noah an ENTP.

[u/joaolanzera]

That Ni/te aesthetic

[u/KarateCheetah]

Really identify with reading the encyclopedia as a kid

[u/Longh0rn_]

Now I really do wonder where the hand dryer air comes from.