>> THE OWNER OF A PET-SITTING
OPERATION HAD HIS VAN STOLEN WITH 16 DOGS STILL INSIDE,
STARRING KEVIN JAMES. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> KELLOGG'S ANNOUNCED THAT IT PULLED ITS ADVERTISING FROM THE
BREITBART WEBSITE SAYING, "THE ALT-RIGHT WEBSITE DOES NOT ALIGN
WITH THEIR VALUES AS A COMPANY." I DON'T KNOW, KELLOGG'S MAKES
KASHI GO LEAN CRUNCH, AND THAT'S MAYBE THE WHITEST PRODUCT IN
HISTORY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> A NEW APP HAS LAUNCHED THAT LETS PEOPLE BOYCOTT BUSINESSES
OWNED BY DONALD TRUMP. THE APP'S CALLED, "BEING POOR."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS
APPROVED A PLAN THAT WOULD BAN SMOKING IN PUBLIC HOUSING ACROSS
THE COUNTRY. WHICH IS A HORRIBLE IDEA.
YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL IT IS TO LIVE IN THE PROJECTS?
I CAN TELL YOU, IT'S LIKE PRISON EXCEPT YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
WRONG, AND YOU CAN SMOKE IN PRISON.
HOW DO YOU EVEN PLAN ON ENFORCING THIS LAW?
YOU THINK A GHETTO TIPSTER'S GOING TO CALL YOU LIKE, "THIS IS
FREDDY AND I'D LIKE TO REPORT CIGARETTE SMOKE IN CRACKHOUSE
ON FLOOR B"? THEY'RE SAYING THIS BECAUSE
CIGARETTES ARE A HEALTH RISK BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A HEALTH
RISK? LIVING IN THE PROJECTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] HEATING YOUR APARTMENT WITH YOUR
OVEN IS A HEALTH RISK. LETTING A PITBULL BABYSIT YOUR
TODDLER IS A HEALTH RISK. HAVING A HOSPITAL BED IN YOUR
LIVING ROOM IS A HEALTH RISK. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST
HEALTH RISK OF ALL IS? GETTING EVICTED.
YEAH. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN. THEY'RE GOING TO RENOVATE THOSE
BUILDINGS AND SELL THEM TO MILLIONAIRES AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO DO IN THOSE BUILDINGS, THOSE MILLIONAIRES?
COKE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO SAY "SMOKE."
>> POLICE IN CANADA WILL SOON START MAKING PEOPLE CAUGHT
DRINKING AND DRIVING LISTEN TO NICKELBACK.
SO LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU DRUNK DRIVERS OUT THERE,
MAKE SURE THE CRASH KILLS YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAKE SURE? >> MAKE SURE.
>> NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT THE PREHUMAN LUCY PROBABLY LIVED IN
TREES. SO EITHER PREHUMANS WERE MORE
APE-LIKE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, OR THAT BITCH CRAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] WELL.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE ONE BEFORE IT.
>> YOU FOUGHT FOR IT. >> CHE WROTE THAT.
>> WELL, '90s NOSTALGIA IS STILL GROWING AS A TV TREND WITH
REBOOTS LIKE "FULLER HOUSE" AND "GILMORE GIRLS."
HERE TO COMMENT IS RACHEL FROM "FRIENDS"!
♪♪♪ >> HI, OH YEAH, HI!
OH COLIN, YEAH, HI! OH!
>> HI, RACHEL, HOW ARE YOU? >> OH, YOU KNOW, I'M -- YOU
KNOW, I'M, I'M -- I'M GOOD! >> WOW.
NOW WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE SO NOSTALGIC FOR THE '90s?
>> OH, YEAH, THE '90s ARE GREAT. YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO WORK, YOU GO
ON DATES, AND YOU GO TO CAFES WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU ALL
SIT FACING THE CAMERA, YEAH. YEAH!
OH, HEY, YOU KNOW JOEY HAD A REALLY, REALLY BAD AUDITION.
AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT TONIGHT AT THE BOY
APARTMENT. YEAH, YOU SHOULD -- YOU SHOULD
COME. ♪♪♪
>> OH, NO. OH -- I BURNED THESE COOKIES,
MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME! OH!
OH, OH, YEAH, OH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT WAS THAT?
>> WHAT? OH, YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK THAT JUST HAPPENS WHEN I SAY A SENTENCE THAT -- THAT
SOUNDS COMPLETE. LIKE I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, DON'T
BE LATE. ♪♪♪
OH, COLIN! OH, YOU SCARED ME.
I WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER. OH!
>> WHAT? >> WHAT?
WHAT? OH, YEAH, WELL, WHAT, OH, YEAH,
WELL, YEAH, WELL, WHAT? OH, YOU KNOW, WELL, WHAT?
OH, YEAH. WELL, WHAT?
OH. YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> VANESSA. VANESSA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> WHAT?
OH WHAT, YEAH? HI --
>> CAN YOU JUST DROP THAT FOR A SECOND?
>> YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> VANESSA, COME ON. >> SORRY, JEN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? >> WHAT?
FOR THE LAST 12 DAYS YOU'VE BEEN TEXTING ME EVERY DAY TO COME
VISIT YOU. LISTEN, HONEY, I KNOW THAT YOU
LOVE "FRIENDS." AND WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME
MAKING OUR MOVIE TOGETHER. BUT YOU'VE GOT TO REALLY TRY TO
STOP TEXTING ME EVERY DAY. >> YEAH, NO, I JUST TEXTED YOU
BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE COULD HANG, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, I THINK
YOU'RE LIKE THE BEST. >> THAT'S SO SWEET, HONEY, YOU
ARE TOO. BUT -- YOU KNOW, "FRIENDS" BASS
LIKE FIVE MILLION AND FIVE YEARS AGO.
SO I THINK WE'VE JUST GOT TO MOVE ON.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I JUST -- I THOUGHT BECAUSE I --
I DO THIS GREAT BIT AS RACHEL. SO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> IS IT A GREAT BIT, THOUGH?
I MEAN, ALL IT -- KIND OF JUST SOUNDS LIKE ALL YOU'RE DOING IS
LIKE, WHAT, OH, WHAT, ME, OH WOW, NO, I, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
IS IT LIKE THIS, WHAT? >> NO, YES, WHAT?
>> VANESSA -- >> I, WHAT, NO --
>> I DON'T DO THAT. WHAT, NO --
>> OH, WHAT? ROSS, ROSS, ROSS!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU WANT TO GO GRAB SOME NACHOS AFTER THE SHOW?
>> OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU LOVE MEXICAN.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE TOO. I'D LOVE TO.
I'LL SEE YOU THERE! ♪♪♪
>> WAIT. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
IT'S SO JARRING. >> WHAT?
>> I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT. >> YES, NO, WHAT?
>> JENNIFER ANISTON AND RACHEL, EVERYONE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN
JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE!
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
