[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AMERICANS ARE STILL PROTESTING DONALD TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY.
WITH MORE ON THIS, HERE'S PETE DAVIDSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> PETE, YOU HAVE SOME FANS.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, PETE? >> PRETTY BAD, COLIN, DOING
PRETTY BAD. >> REALLY?
>> YEAH. >> OH, WELL I KNOW A LOT OF THE
PEOPLE ARE UPSET ABOUT THIS ELECTION.
BUT THEY ENDED UP LEGALIZING WEED IN A COUPLE OF STATES.
THAT'S GOT TO CHEER YOU UP, RIGHT?
>> IT SHOULD. BUT NO IT'S RUINED WEED FOR ME
FOREVER. DONALD TRUMP BEING PRESIDENT IS
SOMETHING I USED TO SAY WHEN I WAS HIGH AND LAUGH AT HOW CRAZY
IT IS. AND I'M HIGH RIGHT NOW AND IT IS
NOT FUNNY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY SAID, GIVE TRUMP A CHANCE. AND THE FIRST THING HE DID IS
HIRE A CHIEF STRATEGIST WHO EVERYBODY IS SAYING HATES JEWS.
THEY SAID, "NO, BANNON DOESN'T HATE JEWISH PEOPLE, HE'S WORKED
ALONGSIDE THEM." YEAH, AND MEL GIBSON DID FOUR
"LETHAL WEAPONS" WITH DANNY GLOVER.
THAT PROVES NOTHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> DO YOU THINK THERE COULD BE ANY UPSIDE TO TRUMP BEING
PRESIDENT? >> YEAH, HE'LL PROBABLY REDUCE
CRIME IN THE REAL ESTATE BUSINESS BY NO LONGER WORKING IN
THE REAL ESTATE BUSINESS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK THE WORST PART OF HIM BEING PRESIDENT'S
GOING TO BE? >> NOW ANYONE THINKS THEY COULD
RUN FOR OFFICE. EVEN KANYE THINKS HE CAN BE
PRESIDENT. HE'S BEEN SAYING HE LOVES TRUMP,
AND IS GOING TO RUN AGAINST HIM. LIKE HE HEARD PEOPLE SAYING THIS
WAS THE GREATEST THREAT AMERICA'S EVER FACED AND HE WAS
LIKE, "NO, I'M THE GREATEST!" [ LAUGHTER ]
WE AS A COUNTRY NEED TO AGREE THAT IF IT ISN'T OVER A SICK
BEAT WE DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING KANYE WEST HAS TO SAY
EVER AGAIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LET'S BE CLEAR. I'M NOT INNOCENT.
I'VE SAID SOME KANYE-LIKE STUFF. LIKE, A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT IN A
LITTLE TROUBLE BECAUSE I SAID SOME THINGS ABOUT MY HOMETOWN,
OUR HOMETOWN, STATEN ISLAND. I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND WHEN I
SAID, HURRICANE SANDY SHOULD HAVE FINISHED THE JOB.
[ AUDIENCE OHS ] [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. PEOPLE WERE MAD.
BUT TO BE FAIR I WAS RAISED THERE.
YOU KNOW? SO STATEN ISLAND SHOULD KIND OF
SHARE SOME OF THE BLAME. IT WAS A PRETTY STATEN ISLAND
THING TO SAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WAS GOING TO APOLOGIZE, I THEN SAW THIS.
THIS IS HOW THE FIVE BOROUGHS OF NEW YORK VOTED.
YOU SEE THAT BIG RED OPEN WOUND? THAT'S STATEN ISLAND.
THE HERPES OF BOROUGHS. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I CAN'T STAND US?
THIS IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY.
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE UPSET, SCARED AND SAD, MYSELF INCLUDED.
TO EVERYONE FEELING THAT WAY I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO
HOLD ON TO THAT RAGE AND HOLD ON TO YOUR ANGER AND FRUSTRATION
AND LET IT BUILD AND BUILD SO YOU CAN RELEASE IT AT THE EXACT
RIGHT MOMENT. THANKSGIVING.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOUR FAMILY WANTED TRUMP?
THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO HEAR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY.
HEY, GRANDPA! CAN YOU TAKE A SECOND AWAY FROM
LOVING HITLER TO PASS THE POTATOES?
HEY, I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY OUR ANNUAL GAME OF SHEETS VERSUS
SKINS. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'LL BE ON THE FRONT LINES, BECAUSE I'M HAVING THANKSGIVING
IN STATEN ISLAND. >> PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE.
>> I WAS RIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST
MAN ALIVE IS DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HE ONCE AGAIN BEAT HIS LONG-TIME
RIVAL DWAYNE "THE SCISSORS" JOHNSON.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT WAS BAD.
PRESIDENT OBAMA THIS WEEK CRITICIZED THE SPREAD OF FAKE
NEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. BUT CAN WE REALLY TRUST A GUY
WHO'S ALSO A SECRET GAY ALIEN? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> GOOD POINT, MAN. >> SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A
SPECIES OF MILLIPEDE THAT HAS FOUR OF ITS LEGS MODIFIED TO ACT
AS PENISES. AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME
FOOTAGE OF THE ANIMAL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> OW, OW, OW. OW, OW, OW.
OW, OW, OOH! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> A NEO-NAZI HAS DECLARED NEW BALANCE THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF
WHITE PEOPLE. BUT IF NEW BALANCE IS THE
OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE, THEN WHAT ARE CROCS?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> A MAN ON AN AFRICAN SAFARI
FELL OFF OF A HORSE WHILE BEING CHASED BY A LION.
"WELL, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE," SAID THE HORSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE DATING APP TINDER
>> THE DATING APP TINDER ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE WHICH
GIVES USERS 37 DIFFERENT GENDER IDENTITY OPTIONS.
IT'S CALLED, "WHY DEMOCRATS LOST THE ELECTION."
[ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THURSDAY IS THANKSGIVING. I FOR ONE AM REALLY NOT LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT. BUT HERE TO CHEER ME UP IS THE
MOST OPTIMISTIC GUY I KNOW, MY NEIGHBOR WILLIE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HOW ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I JUST LOVE THANKSGIVING. MY WHOLE FAMILY GETTING
TOGETHER, SITTING AROUND THE TABLE, GIVING ME AN ULTIMATUM TO
QUIT DRINKING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE, MAN. >> OH, FAMILY TIME IS THE BEST
PART OF THANKSGIVING, MICHAEL. REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS A
LITTLE BOY. ME AND MY COUSINS GOING TO OUR
GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE. SNEAKING A SIP OF WARM, SPICY
CIDER FROM MY GRANDDADDY'S BEDPAN.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DUDE!
>> BOY DO I MISS MY GRANNY'S COOKING.
YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED HER FAMOUS PECAN PIE.
THAT CRUST WAS SO FLAKY, PECANS SO JUICY.
YOU CAN BARELY TASTE THE LEGS. I CAN STILL HEAR GRANDMAMA NOW.
THERE'S ROACHES IN THAT PIE, WILLIE!
>> THAT'S DISGUSTING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OOH! DON'T YOU JUST LOVE WATCHING
FOOTBALL ON THANKSGIVING DAY, MICHAEL?
IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN I'D WATCH THE GAME ON TV WITH MY DADDY.
HE'D POINT TO THE SCREEN AND SAY, "SON, YOU SEE THAT MAN
RUNNING WITH THE BALL? THAT'S O.J. SIMPSON.
HE HAD SEX WITH YOUR MAMA AND ONE DAY I'M GOING TO FRAME HIM
FOR MURDER." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON, MAN! >> WELL, I MEAN, SURE.
I MAY NOT LIVE A LIFE OF LUXURY. MAYBE I DON'T HAVE A COAT OR
TOENAILS. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I DO HAVE SOMETHING THAT NOBODY CAN EVER TAKE AWAY FROM
ME. >> WHAT'S THAT?
>> OUTSTANDING WARRANTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
LET ME TELL YOU, MICHAEL. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT MACY'S
PARADE AGAIN. YOU EVER GO THERE AS A KID?
>> I HAVE, ACTUALLY. >> YOU SEE ALL THOSE BIG, PRETTY
BALLOONS? I REMEMBER EVERY THANKSGIVING MY
UNCLE JOE WOULD SHOW ME WOODY WOODPECKER.
THEN HE'D ZIP UP HIS PANTS AND DRIVE ME DOWN TO THE PARADE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH, MAN.
I REALLY CAN'T RELATE TO ANY OF THIS STUFF, WILLIE.
>> YOU KNOW WHO REALLY LOVES THANKSGIVING.
OH MY OWN DOG LUCIUS. EVERY YEAR I TAKE HIM TO THE
TURKEY FARM TO PLAY WITH THE TURKEYS.
YOU SHOULD SEE HIM JUST WRESTLING AND TUMBLING, FEATHERS
FLYING EVERYWHERE. IF YOU LISTEN REAL CLOSE IT
ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE OLD LUCIUS IS DEFINITELY CRYING FOR HELP.
BUT IT'S LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY, MICHAEL.
THOSE TURKEYS IS RUNNING A TRAIN ON YOUR DOG, WILLIE!
>> MY NEIGHBOR WILLIE, EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
MICHAEL CHE! >> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
