♪♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE", WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. >> GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I'M COLI JOST.
>>> THURSDAY IS THANKSGIVING. AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO BE
THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR. UNLESS YOU ARE A HUMAN WOMAN.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> TWEEDEN POSTED IN WHICH
SHE'S ASLEEP AND FRANKEN IS REACHING FOR HER BREASTS WHILE
LOOKING BACK AT THE CAMERA. NOW, I KNOW THIS PHOTO LOOKS
BAD, BUT REMEMBER IT ALSO IS BAD.
AND SURE THIS WAS TAKEN BEFORE FRANKEN RAN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE,
BUT IT WAS ALSO TAKEN AFTER HE WAS A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
IT'S PRETTY HARD TO BE LIKE OH, COME ON, HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY
BENCH HE WAS ONLY 55. TWEEDEN IS ALSO CLAIMING THAT ON
THE USO TOUR WITH FRANKEN, HE FORCED HER TO KISS HIM AS PART
OF A REHEARSAL FOR A SKETCH THEY WERE PERFORMING FOR THE TROOPS.
COME ON MAN, DIDN'T THE TROOPS HAVE IT HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT
HAVING TO SIT THROUGH SKETCH COMEDY?
MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN WANT TO WATCH SKETCH COMEDY AFTER
"UPDATE" ENDS. >>> AND WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING, I
CAN TELL YOU THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP CRITICIZED FRANKEN ON
TWITTER. BECAUSE FRANKEN IS A LIBERAL AND
TRUMP IS A CONSERVATIVE. IN THIS COUNTRY, EVERYBODY HAS
TO PICK A SIDE. EXCEPT FOR ME.
I THINK THEY ARE OWL PITCHES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SIDE I'M
ON. MAYBE I'M LIBERAL, BECAUSE I
LIVE IN A GUY NEIGHBORHOOD. BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE I'M
CONSERVATIVE, BECAUSE I'LL NEVER LIVE IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD
AGAIN. WHY ARE REPUBLICANS TRYING SO
HARD TO PROTECT ROY MOORE FROM THIS CASE.
IT'S NOT LIKE HE WROTE THE REMIX TO IGNITION.
>>> MORE THAN A DOZEN WOMEN HAVE NOW ACCUSED ACTOR JEREMY PIVEN
OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SPANNING MORE THAN 30 YEARS.
THE ALLEGATIONS WERE REVEALED IN THE SHOCKING DOCUMENTARY,
"ENTOURAGE." >>> THIS WEEK HOUSE REPUBLICANS
PASSED A TAX REFORM BILL. REPUBLICANS CLAIM THE BILL CUTS
TAXES ON EVERYONE, FROM MULTIBILLIONAIRES ALL THE WAY
DOWN TO REGULAR OLD MILLIONAIRES.
THE BILL RELIES HEAVILY ON TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS.
AND, SURE, IT'S ONLY A TRICKLE, BUT YOU'LL FEEL LIKE YOU'VE BEEN
HOSED. WHY DO POOR WHITE PEOPLE KEEP
GETTING CATFISHED BY THESE RICH REPUBLICANS?
IT'S LIKE GET -- WATCHING FOREST GUMP GETTING DITCHED BY JENNY
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. >>> PAUL RYAN ALSO SAID THE TAX
PLAN WILL INCREASE TAKE-HOME PAY, GROW THE ECONOMY, AND
SUSTAIN LONG-TERM OPPORTUNITIES. INCREASE, GROW, AND SUSTAIN.
WHERE HAVE I SEEN THOSE WORDS BEFORE?
OH, I KNOW, ON THOSE SEX PILLS AT THE DELI COUNTER.
WE ALREADY TRIED THIS TAX PLAN IN THE '80s AND IT DIDN'T WORK.
JUST LIKE I TRIED THOSE SEX PILLS AT THE DELI AND NOW I HAVE
TO WEAR FAKE EYEBROWS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THIS WEEK MARKED THE THIRD TIME ATTORNEY GENERAL
JEFF SESSIONS TESTIFIED BEFORE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE OVER
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN AND THEIR CONTACT WITH RUSSIA.
HERE TO COMMENT IS ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, JEFF? >> WHEN I SAY "I DO NOT," YOU
SAY "RECALL." I DO NOT!
>> Audience: RECALL! >> I DO NOT!
>> Audience: RECALL! >> THANK YOU.
THAT'S A RECALL AND RESPONSE. MY CATCH PHRASE.
>> I NOTICE YOU SAID THAT A LOT, DUE REALLY NOT REMEMBER MEETING
WITH GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS. >> YOU KNOW, COLIN, I HAVE SOME
MEMORY PROBLEMS STEMMING FROM A CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
>> A CHILDHOOD TRAUMA? WHAT WAS THAT?
>> THE PASSING OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT.
>> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS NOW, ATTORNEY GENERAL
SESSIONS I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS, DO YOU THINK YOU
CAN ANSWER THEM TRUTHFULLY. >> YEB.
>> DID YOU JUST SAY YEB? >> NOBE.
>> DID YOU MEET WITH ANY TRUMP SURROGATES WITH RUSSIA?
>> I -- I DO NOT RECALL. YOU KNOW I RECALL.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER MR. PAPADOPOULOS MENTIONING THE
RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT? >> I DO -- I DO NOT REMEMBER HIM
TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA. I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
>> AND YOU ARE UNDER PRESSURE FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP TO
INVESTIGATE THE CLINTON FOUNDATION.
DO YOU THINK YOU WILL INVESTIGATE.
>> ACTUALLY, I -- WELL, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ENOUGH
EVIDENCE AT THIS TIME. WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO DO IT.
>> OKAY. AT SOME POINT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
TO STOP LYING BECAUSE YOU ARE UNDER OATH.
YOU KNOW? I MEAN, YOU COULD GO TO JAIL.
MR. SESSIONS? MR. SESSIONS, ARE YOU PLAYING
DEAD? >> OH, MY GOODNESS, THAT'S MY
TAIL, MY LITTLE POSSUM TAIL. TAIL, YOU RATTED ME OUT AGAIN.
GET DOWN TAIL. HE'S CRAZY BUT HE'S FAMILY.
>> WITH ALL THIS GOING ON I'M SURE YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO
THANKSGIVING. >> ABSOLUTELY.
MY COUSIN, FROM THE POSSUM SIDE OF THE FAMILY JUST HAD A LITTER
OF NINE BABIES. THEY ARE SO CUTE.
OH, MAN YOU COULD JUST EAT THEM UP.
AND WE'RE GOING THE EAT AT LEAST FOUR EVER THEM.
WE GO OVERBOARD ON THE HOLIDAYS, COLIN.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING BY, MR. SESSIONS.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME SO MUCH.
AND IN COLLUSION. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY.
>> JEFF SESSIONS, EVERYONE. >> I DO NOT RECALL!
>>> A COMPANY IN TEXAS IS OFFERING A SERVICE THAT WILL
ALLOW PEOPLE TO MAKE AN IDENTICAL CLONE OF THEIR DOG FOR
$50,000. THAT STORY AGAIN, FOR $50,000, A
COMPANY IN TEXAS WILL SELL YOU A DIFFERENT GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> NFL COMMISSIONER
ROGER GOODELL IS REPORTEDLY SEEKING A CONTRACT EXTENSION
THAT WOULD PROVIDE HIM WITH A SALARY OF $50 MILLION, USE OF A
PRIVATE JET, AND LIFETIME HEALTH INSURANCE FOR HIM AND HIS
FAMILY. THAT'S HOW EXPENSIVE HEALTH CARE
IS. HE IS GOING TO MAKE $50 MILLION
A YEAR AND HE'S STILL LIKE WHAT ABOUT THE HEALTH CARE, THOUGH?
>>> A MAN IN INDIA HAS SET A NEW WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST
MUSTACHE, GROWING HIS OUT TO MORE THAN 18 FEET.
THE MUSTACHE IS PART THE MAN'S PLAN TO SOME DAY DIE ON AN
ESCALATOR. MISSION TO EVENTUALLY DIE IN AN >>> IN OTHER NEWS, IT WAS
REPORTED THAT PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCE HARRY WILL MAKE CAMEOS IN
THE NEW "STAR WARS" MOVIE AS STORM TROOPERS.
EVEN MORE SURPRISING, THIS WHOLE TIME IT'S BEEN QUEEN ELIZABETH
INSIDE C3-PO.
