Wanting someone who doesn’t want you?

hey Tony gas is here car chronicles you know one to pop in I did a video talking about how to get a man's attention you can watch that if you haven't watched it and in there I got to a point where I was talking about how sometimes you can have this saltine cracker over here looking at you wanting you but you're looking at this other man who looked like an Oreo ready to be dipped in some milk and so you chasing this Oreo when you got this nice healthy saltine cracker right here in front of you now that was just a random random metaphor that kind of hit me in the midst of talking but the question started to pop up over and over about talking about when we want someone who doesn't want us or when we want someone who isn't good for us now it goes both ways men and women so you kind of but just for the sake of me talking off the top of my head without note cards and powerpoints I'm gonna talk to the women cuz that's who asks the question and then fellas just kind of invert this information or apply it to your situation and I'll try to touch on that as well but one thing I've always seen in relationships is women wanting a man who sometimes is either older won a man who is like the the tough guy the bad boy you know the guy skipping class the guy getting in trouble and when you look at that a lot of times what it is is this man to a woman maybe coveted to by many women so that for therefore it makes him more desirable because so many women want him but then you gotta ask the question why did you want them why do you want this guy just because he's a tough guy just because he's a bad boy and really what it is is it's because he represents security so a woman a lot time's is looking for security and thinking financial security and then also physical security and well a lot of times forgo emotional security to get financial or physical security and so when you get this guy that you feel like represents a certain type of security and so many other women want him it gives you a sense of accomplishment like you got the prize like you got the most coveted guy and when you think about this what happens when you want somebody who everybody else wants and you want somebody for the wrong reasons now it's different if you meet this man and he's a great person he has a good heart and he has great conversation and he checks off so many things off of your list and he just so happens to be an athlete or a drug dealer or the cool guy or the popular person then that's a little different but in most cases is those things it's something else that the guy has that makes him more desirable and when you think about it it's a lot of people who without money without fame would not have the partner that they have would not have the options that they have but all of a sudden you give somebody some notoriety you give somebody some money you give them some fame and all of a sudden they cute all of a sudden they're very handsome a very attractive or beautiful there's a man talking about a woman all of a sudden but that same person is people who look just like that person without the money and the fame and that person without the money in the fame does not have a partner that is the equivalent equivalent of what that famous person has so what is it and when you think about this you have to really look within you gotta look within and you got to ask yourself why do I want who I want why do I want who I want what do I want this person for what are the reasons so if you can get to the bottom of it and the reason is truly based on your standards this man is a man of God this man is patient he's kind he's well-spoken he's understanding he's compassionate he's giving he's forgiving he's gentle but yet at the same time he's confident and he's strong he's ambitious now think about this none of what I just said none of that touches on his height his looks his weight his income his complexion his nationality so you have to really get to the root of why you want this person and so oftentimes what happens is is we desire someone based on our insecurities we want the person who will make us feel worthy we want the person who affirms us in the sense of you end up seeking approval instead of seeking love because if you can get that person then that means that you're beautiful that you're handsome that you are worthy that you're worth it if you can get that person if you can get a person that looks like this or dress like this or makes this amount of money then in your mind that validates you so you have to ask yourself am i seeking validation or am i seeking love because when you take this thing all the way back to take it back to grade school and that's one thing that we don't oftentimes do take it back to grade school and think about the person the guy that the women wanted a lot of times it's the guy who is the class clown or or or he's just the most popular because he has the nicest shoes or he has the nicest clothes or he is the most athletic and so or maybe he's the tallest or maybe he is unique he has something about him as unique that's different from the norm and so now all the girls want him and when you take it all the way back and then you bring it all the way up to adulthood and you identify your type when you really think about it you have to ask yourself is my type determined or was my type determined by the actors and the models and/or the pro athletes or the celebrities the famous rappers the famous musicians and so on and so a lot of times when I'm talking to a woman in a coaching call and she describing her type a lot of women will say you know like the aegis elbow type or like the Michael Ealy type or like the Michael B Jordan type or like the yeah and it's always like this tight like this look that comes from being programmed by movies and media and it's not based on your heart's desire and I thought I had to think about this as a man because a lot of men would come to me and in our coaching or matchmaking when I used to do match my gonna do that more when I used to do matchmaking just because I had so many clients and I was able to kind of are you saying all you saying okay y'all meet each other what I was noticing it was guys that were coming to me and they would say like like like a white guy would say he wants a wealthy Asian woman over here white guys say that and I'm like okay what is this about like some kind of fetish like what what why don't you want a white woman you know and watch got to be wealthy and then black guys would be like or other guys of different races would be like okay I want this woman she got to be exotic she gotta look exotic she got to have long hair she gotta have light eyes with dark hair with olive skin and an accident or she gotta be red with long black hair with a perfect body and she gotta be 5 foot 6 to 5 foot 8 and it would be all these things and and what I started to notice is the guys the men were speaking from an insecurity the men were it was something to wear his type of person whoever he is or was was overlooked or ostracized and the type of woman he wants now is the type of woman who didn't want him when that woman was in middle school she didn't want him she wanted this other guy and so now as a man he wants that type of woman because that to have that woman would validate his existence it will make him feel accomplished like he has arrived and like now he is worthy and so what's happening is I've said it before nickels wanting dimes and I'm not saying that anybody is a nickel what I'm saying is you could want this person that you see as a diamond piece but that diamond piece look at you like a nickel and so and now this diamond piece could look at you like a nickel but then all of a sudden you add one thing to you like you get some money not you are dying piece to that person who you think is a diamond piece but that person that won't you not a person using you and that's what we've seen happen so often and so it's a lot of women who would be seen as unattractive to this man but because this woman has money or because she has power or because she has influence or because she has a position not all of a sudden the guy will make a concession he will compromise his preferences or even his standards not typically as not standards because she is a good woman he'll compromise his preferences to get with his woman because she brings something else to the table that will benefit him and then the same thing happens to other way around so here's what it is you have to really look at this person and say you know what what's wrong with this person because he's what I was talking about is sometimes I called her the saltine cracker that came about nowhere but I was trying to think of a healthy a healthier snack and in a unhealthy snack so sometimes you see this snack and you want him but it's this other guy right here in front of you shooting this shot trying to talk to you trying to be with you but you don't want him you don't want him because he might be two inches shorter than you then you want he might make $5,000 less than you want he might be a different complexion than you want he might not have every single thing and so you want this guy over here but that guy over there it's a million women won't him it's a million women on him and it's so many women want him that it's going to his head so now he don't even really respect and value women and then you personally might not be attractive to him but you're just thinking about what you want and I remember me being a man I remember coaching and a lot of women and they'll be like you know I know I'm attractive and you know so many people have told me I'm attractive and that you know I look good I know I'm pretty I know that I'm beautiful I know I'm a great catch and just you know I know this and I just cannot understand it you know why it's not working out and I'm a man so we're gonna online and I'm sitting there like oh okay oh you know you pretty huh oh so who - and I'm trying to find the words oh so so um so who who told you that you were you know attractive it and you know how often do you do you hear that and so I'm trying to find a word get to the bottom of it just to understand where is this coming from you know and who's saying this cuz you know how you when you got on the other sweater and your mama told you that sweater was ugly but you get a bunch of compliments what we don't understand is that humans are petty so when you got that ugly sweater on humans are looking say oh that's a nice sweater and you like thank you and then what did you walk about it oh how she came out in the house in that and so we don't understand humans pity and so just that's why you cannot let people telling you that you beautiful that you handsome that you are this you can't let that go to your head you can't let I don't listen to compliments I don't listen to compliment I'm I stayed humble whatever somebody said oh that was a good book thank you but it's in one ear out the other you can't you can't let that blow your head off because your momma keep telling you you beautiful nah you beautiful in the sight of the Lord and you might actually be beautiful you'll Beautif in the sight of the Lord now you God's child God does not make ugly but what I'm trying to say is everybody don't think everybody look good so it's somebody who might look at you and say you gorgeous somebody else might look at you and you not they type so you decent you're gonna look at certain people and say wow you're gonna look at other people and say out so it's a personal preference and that's what we have to understand and so you got to get to the root you got to get to the root of why you want what you want is it based in your insecurities is it because you are actually seeking approval because you want somebody who will make you feel good who will make you feel like you accomplished somebody because if you could get this snack that you lusting after then all of a sudden that mean yes I must be somebody if I could get with this type of person with a person that looked like this or got this or do this I must be special and that's what we tell ourselves because me and my wife we going on 13 years of marriage and she may think that I'm handsome I may think that she's beautiful but it's other types of man and it's other types of women so there might be this other type woman on line who is the discolor who got this kind of shape who got this kind of you know lips or cheekbones or or whatever and society may say wow that's beautiful and I may look at her and say wow she's a beautiful person but should I take and ignore the connection and the love that I have with my wife to wait on somebody who looks beautiful to everybody or to wait on somebody that every man wants or say you know what I got a beautiful one right here in front of me like this is a good-looking woman ain't nothing wrong with this woman and yeah but might not be just like her but this body part might not be just like her body part these cheat huh cheat more might not be just like her cheekbone her eyes her nose her lips instead of comparing and saying well I want this because this is the standard of beauty or this is what the magazine said is the number one most beautiful woman in the world so I want a woman that look like that and and subconsciously this how we being program and you don't even realize it and so I had to take it I had to started really doing the work myself to understand this man I'm talking like as a married man understanding human connection and studying human behavior and the connections and relationships and because I do this so much as a relationship coach I can look at two people and I can tell why they're together I can tell why they're together I could see and and I you can I can't speak names cuz you never know who gonna bump into this video but I want you to think about you do that you do the work I want you to think about five to ten celebrity couples write them down write them down and now take that couple and picture them in the eighth grade picture them in the eighth grade now ask yourself what they have been sweethearts in eighth grade ninth grade what that couple had been a couple ninth grade just based on looks and understand that we we look different we grow into our looks we you might not look the same as adult as you did in eighth grade but still it still applies because that says something as well that says something as well because if you want me in eighth grade don't want me now don't want me now if you didn't like how I looked and eighth grade don't like me now because attraction is attraction so you still was a version of yourself but when you think about this you're gonna be like oh and it ain't got to be 8th grade you could keep it in a present and just take away their money that's the other side of it so if you don't work with the the looks process of how a person grows write down 5 to 10 couples celebrity cover that's in the media remove the money remove the money remove the status remove all of that and although I have you know I own I following and you know been on Oprah and Tyra in certain people that would call me a celebrity but I'm not a celebrity it's certain people that will say that just because of where they from or how they view somebody if you got millions of arm supporters online if you from certain places you may see a person with a million followers online as or if somebody going Oprah or Tyra Banks or national television or coaching celebrities you may see that person in celebrity but I'm not a celebrity I'm talking my real celebrity I'm telling my a-list celebrity me and my wife got together on wheels broke yours I was flat broke so don't put us in an equation because we were together before the money and before success and so it was just a heart connection but look at these couples now and go through it and you're gonna start to see you're gonna start to see what I'm talking about how we choose people for the wrong reasons we choose people for the wrong reasons in a lot of cases and I so wish I could say some name but I don't want to hurt nobody feeling I don't want I do not want to hurt nobody feels definitely by the total call nobody but when you go to the Hubble you'll be able to thing and you better see okay now this type of warm here does not date a man who look like this that that man right there is not that woman tight that woman type was the man she was whipped who dug her out and trash her and then she got tired of being trashed now she went to this man who she would not have been with him if he was not a millionaire if he looked just like how he looked but was not a millionaire she would have kept it moving because she wanted that man over there that dog died and so we go on in our relationships and we choosing people for the wrong reasons but in order for you to break past this and if you get past this and you are single you can actually end up married within the next 18 to 24 months if you really get to the root of why you are attracted to who you are attracted to and what is it coming from because and I started to do this work and I start to look and I started and I what I was taking do is I would look at a one who is outside of what society says is beautiful sorry and that's all different types of women so I would look at these different women and I would look at this woman and I would say you know what if I took and I removed the social constructs if I took and I removed the programming that's a beautiful human being that is a beautiful woman because her skin her smile her walk her cheekbones her nose she is beautiful in her own right and just because she does not look like what the TV shows and the movie showed me does not mean she's unattractive but me and cannot see that because they're looking through the lenses that have been given to them by the movies and the media and vice versa when you look at this guy and I cannot look at a guy and tell what's a handsome guy now I could say I know ugly when I see it but I'm a man so that would be wrong for me to call a man ugly because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm not be trying to behold the beauty of a man so I could say what I think is ugly but that would be wrong with me so I don't call anybody looks God's children ugly but if you look at this and I got a pervy sample I got a homeboy and he he does my security and he is really he's dark-skinned he's dark-skinned he's by 12:01 a.m. that's about it his color by 12:01 a.m. and and my mom and my sister and different women we'll say oh I love his skin whoa I love his keys just got some beautiful skin and he's a handsome man he is a handsome man but he over 300 pounds you know he played offensive line in college we played football together and they were called it man handsome and all of this right here but then I said well you you see the quality and you see he handsome but why you don't give man he taken but why you don't give me and like that a chance oh well uh oh well you know well oh well you know you know and all of these excuses and I'm like well it's so many men like that that's single and they might not have a six-pack and it might not be six foot tall and it might not be caramel complected or pecan tan or you know whatever you looking for but still handsome man and so don't see don't see the good in a man when he's just your friend don't see the good in a man when you're just gonna put him in a in a friend box and say oh he cute like a little teddy bear but then you want to go out in the world and you want the Ken doll but then Ken doll don't want you and then a Ken doll might actually want him a Ken doll and because you so hung up on society's beauty constructs what handsome meals you chasing can and can't chasing can your boyfriend got a boyfriend but you are in pain you didn't even realize that because you so hung up on what handsome meals instead of just looking at the heart first and this the thing who define who how do you define attractiveness where does it come from where does it come from you got to get to the root of it where does it come from a magazine a movie you saying it just comes from your heart it's just in your heart it's just what your heart says that that's what you attracted to or is that look the look that did not want you in eighth grade is that the look the look that every other woman is attracted to and so if you get them that mean you're the queen of the world that means you won't top of them other women you get to make them jealous they got to look up to you now you the envy of every woman what is the root of it and when you understand that you gonna understand how you may be walking past your husband every day and now here's where I want you to understand you got this far put be blessed in the comments that's what I want you to understand now I'm not saying to and if you see somebody in the comment that didn't get this far and they making this argument tell them go watch the video at the 30 minute mark I'm not saying to be with someone you're not attracted to because attraction does matter what I'm saying is evaluate the root of your desires of your belief around what attractiveness is and evaluate where it comes from and then when you get to the root of it it may broaden your scope it may broaden your taste for the opposite sex and you may now see the beauty in people that you were overlooking when you look at them for themselves and not in comparison to society's programming and standards of beauty when you look at them as a human being and you saying that you praying for your man you praying for your woman but God saying you are not looking at them the way I look at them you're judging them outwardly instead of inwardly first God says I have no respect of persons meaning that I don't pick favorites meaning that I love everybody I love their heart I love them for who they are and everyone becomes beautiful in my sight that's what God is telling you but he said so I'm sending you these people who will treat you amazing but you are comparing them against unrealistic standards but and you cannot see yourself so you don't even meet the standards that you hold in this other person to you giving yourself more credit than you really deserve and you holding them up here saying you got to meet this standard and you're really coming in right here and so you got people coming in right here where you at you got people coming in right here a little bit above you but you want this right here because you're looking from insecurity you're looking for from immaturity you're looking from your program lens instead of your heart so now understand is I'm not saying be with somebody to where you look at them and you feel a little throw up in your mouth you throw up in your mouth when you I'm not saying be with somebody that you can't stomach because uh they breath for they toenails or they don't lotion and the hands feel like sandpaper or you know they don't want to wash their face or do the hair or you know I'm not saying be with somebody who is repulsive because they don't love themselves and not taking care of themselves that's not what I'm saying but what I'm saying is changed the way you look at people and remember what the Good Book tell you as you judge you will be judged and in this one I'm gonna drop the bomb on you know it's a lot of single people who are single because of how you are judging people you meet in great people you meet in husband-and-wife material but because of how you are judging them so you will be judged as you judge you will be judged so people looking at you and with the same lens as you looking at them through they looking at you through the same lenses and guess what you ain't lining up but when you change your lenses you attract what you become so you will start to look at people differently with more appreciation and then they will look at you with more appreciation for your flaws for your imperfections because it might be some on you that's off and you you want grace for that and you and you say well I know you know I know my eyes a little bit oh I know ain't in the best shape in Aurora oh I know I ain't this I know I ain't that but I still deserve this and so you telling yourself you telling the world give me a break for my imperfections but then you're not doing the same you're not giving the same grace with the with the people with the man or the woman that's right in your face trying to get to know you trying to love you now if they just repulsive because they don't want to brush their teeth they don't want to take care themselves they don't want to wash their clothes you know they don't want to do anything in the area of self-love I'm not talking about that I'm not talking I'm telling me this person who it's really nothing wrong with walking right past you every day real ain't nothing wrong with great could be a great person but you're judging them the wrong way because you're coming from the wrong place in your heart hated Tony Gaskins I apologize for another long video but I just trying to get his whole thing thank you so much god bless you we'll talk soon

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 97,036

Rating: 4.9200859 out of 5

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Id: 03lfk-m4y_0

Length: 35min 14sec (2114 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 30 2019