Iyanla's Fixins : How to Handle When Someone You Love Doesn't Love You Back.

happy Wednesday beloved's and welcome to young Las vixens an opportunity for us to talk about issues and difficulties and challenges some of the many things that you will see on young norfolk's my life which comes on every Saturday night 9:00 p.m. on own so I do hope that you are tuning in and watching and what we do here on fixins is we discuss some of the issues that we demonstrate in the show and give you an opportunity to ask your questions share your story because there are so many of you and only one of me one show we don't really have the opportunity to have everybody involved but here in the fixin's we can talk about some of those things and those questions that come up for us even as we watch the show so last week we canceled our hangout because we were honoring the transition of mama dr. Maya Angelou and I didn't think it was appropriate for us to continue talking like nothing was going on in our world so we cancelled last week rescheduling it to this week when our topic is when somebody doesn't love you back what do you do when somebody doesn't love you back or when it is your experience that they're not loving you back I know that we've all been there at one time or another just like me then in many situations where I thought I was just going to lose my breath in the midst of loving somebody and they didn't love me back the way I love that and then there are those family situations where we may have the experience of our parents not loving us or sibling not loving us or even our children not loving you what do you do when somebody doesn't love you back that's our topic this evening that's what we're going to be talking about we've got two guests who are going to be joining us so that we can hear a real personal upfront live story and work through that and I invite you to send your questions I'll read as many of the as I can there should be a box right there in the video screen where you can click on Q&A to ask your questions and I do hope that you can hear me out there I know we've gotten some messages sometimes that you can't hear me so I'm talking loud not gonna use my sexy voice today use my speaking voice so that you can hear me what do you do when somebody doesn't love you back there are three things that I want to offer you that I want you to consider number one people do what they do the way they do it based on who they are and the information they have at the time I'll say that again people do what they do whatever it is the way they do it based on who they are and the information they have at the time let me talk about myself for a moment and see if you can understand where I'm coming from when my father made his transition I was 30 years old and in all of those 30 years of my life I never once heard my father say I love you my father never once in my 30 years kiss me not on the cheek on the forehead the hand the foot nothing and my father never once hugged me or held my hand so I went through 30 years of my life believing that my father didn't love me and therefore I thought love everywhere else all over the place I don't want to go into that story but then after my father passed and I had an adult relationship with my grandmother was a half Native American half african-american started working doing domestic work when she was 13 years old fresh off the farm fresh off the reservation to the farm where her father was a sharecropper and then fresh off the farm into domestic work in the or cleaning bathrooms cooking food at the age of 13 when I had an adult relationship with my grandmother I came to the awareness that my father simply didn't know how to love because his mother never taught him how my grandmother was not an emotional person uh she displayed anger and sadness that was it that was the full capacity of her emotional library so like my father my grandmother never told me she loved me never kiss me never hug me only held my hand when we were crossing the street so I was about 35 years old when I had the stock awareness oh my god my father didn't know how to demonstrate love because it had never been demonstrated to him he didn't know how to demonstrate emotion because it had never been demonstrated to him my father was emotionally unavailable and for so long in my life I blamed him I was angry with him furious infuriated but with him because he never told me he loved people do what they do they stood who they are and the information they have at the time so the people that we are thinking don't love us back really are demonstrating love in the only way they know how the only way they know how and that maybe not saying anything it may be you beat the person you love and maybe you don't talk to the person you love people do what they do the way they do it based on who they are and the information you have at the time now that doesn't make you feel better when you're trying to love somebody but at least it gives us an understanding that it ain't personal it's not personal it's not personal that my mother don't love me now in a personal that my father never showed me love no it's not personal they doing what they know how to do the way they learned how to do it that's number one people do what they do the way they do it because of who they are and the information they have at the time then you have the scenario where people show up tell you they love you tell you all the sweet nothings you want to hear make you believe they love you and then behave very badly and you are still in love with them wondering why and I love and booboo the fool or cliffie - the clown whoever it is that we find ourselves psychologically or emotionally drawn to and attached to people that behave badly and we're just trying to love them and get them to behave appropriately and they're loving us and behaving very badly what do you do about that well you've got to understand your pathology if you grew up in an experience where love was distance or unavailable with love with dishonest where love was scarce where love was spread out among many people you are going to track people attract people that recreate your pattern whatever it is that you learned as a child you are going to attract that until you clear yourself and your energy from the emotions attached to those childhood experiences so for me this is just for me I'm sure none of you all have had this experience my father was emotionally unavailable all of my life until I began to do my work I attracted men who were emotionally unavailable and women who would betray me why my mother died when I was 2 nobody bothered to tell me so I lived the majority of my life thinking one woman was my mother when my mother was really dead that's a betrayal that's dishonesty so once I discovered that that energy was in my being and I'm attracting men who were unavailable and women who betrayed me why because it's my pathology if you are continually attracting people who don't love you back you must look at your pathology must look at it you got to look at how you learn to love what you expect from love what you give and return for love what you expect someone to give you and you for you and demonstrate to you if they love you you got a look at that and sometimes this is the third reason people come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime they ain't there forever they didn't come to stay they were just passing through so that you can learn together grow together heal together and sometimes we think our seasonal people are lifetime people or our regional people are lifetime people and they are not let me tell you who will be in your life for a lifetime your mother your father your children and you that's it everybody else is a transient passerby they may not be there forever even though you think they will even though you want them to be there they may not be there forever so number one people do what they do the way they do it based on who they are within themselves and the information they have at the time it ain't personal it's not personal okay number two is that people come and love you in response to the vibration and the energy you send out about love I know we don't want to take responsibility for that boo boo came clarita came they said they'd be with you forever y'all will have six kids two dogs a house with the picket fence and before you know it boo boo or clavata what's gone okay but you've got to look at your pattern your pathology and the kind of people you're attracting and the lesson you can learn and finally people come into your life for a reason a season a lifetime everybody doesn't come to stay now what happens when there's a love breakdown I call a love breakdown between you and your lifetime people your mother your father your children even your sibling just put siblings in the lifetime because your brother is gonna be your brother forever and so is your sister how do you handle that how do you handle loving them and they don't love you back I'm gonna tell you the story about me and my brother but first I'm gonna take some questions how about that let me see if I can see these questions over here this one says greetings miss Iyanla this is Quincy Allen hi Quincy Allen you blessed me here's the question my spouse is a repeat cheetah doesn't take care of me and on and on and on we are not together neither of us are healing heading to divorce court why not you neither one of y'all head to do why not okay I am the one loving boo boo the fool what is my work Wow so you have suffering it sounds to me it sounds to me like you have suffering dishonesty and dishonor wired up with love I don't know where you start or where you learned it maybe you made it up that when you love somebody or when somebody says they love you you have to put up with all sorts of inappropriate behavior but your work is to get love and suffering and sorrow and dishonor and disrespect and disappointment disconnect it and you've got to get those things disconnected all of us and sometimes we get it wired up based on what we see what we heard what we were told remember people do what they do the way they do it because of who they are and the information you have somewhere you may have gotten the information that love requires sorrow and suffering and you stay with people who dishonor and disrespect you mmm get a new idea for got a new one you need to get one there many of us like that out there we had to get a new idea about love and here's one of the things you you may want to work with you say that you and mr. booboo are not together why are you still married - why is still holding on to that energy holding on hope against hope that somehow it's going to change here's a possibility divorce boo boo get your life and your heart and your soul together and if you want you can come back and if you want him you'll take him back if not he's out ha ha let me have another let me see another question here we are going - oh here it is let me see yo it is right I can see just right ok I don't have my visual assistance this is Xena wit ber honey zener wit for honey high center wit this says what if the person does love you but not as much as he loves someone else did okay let me finish the question as in you know he cares about you but he chooses to be with someone else over you it is really possible to love or rather be in love with two people at the same time how to cope okay wait a minute people can love you and not want to be in relationship with you that can happen and it seems to me that this person has made their choice the intimate connected loving relationship they want to have it's not with you now if you want to accept the scraps that are left on the table that's up to you but you don't have to stop loving him or her just because they're not with you that's a mistake that we make we think that I love you and if you don't love me the way I love you I got to stop loving you know you don't I get to love you and give you the opportunity to move on and find your good elsewhere go quickly that's fine you're good elsewhere but I don't have to stop loving you don't think that because someone is not giving you what you're giving them that you have to stop loving them you don't now in this situation he chooses to be with someone else instead the magic word choose what do you choose why would you cope with less when you can choose more why would you compromise when you can choose more it's up to you now me personally I'm not a lunchable I am a full course meal so if you don't want to be in for the whole meal from the appetizer to the dessert toodles you're good here go there and get it alrighty let's do one more and then we're gonna have our first guest on for tonight and this is from uh somebody Carmelita is this Carmelita no oh Lord see this is why I start signing books cuz I could not spell all these names see you Yan eat miss Harris Cean Sen ah TIA seon-ah TIA and I'm very sensitive to difficult names because mine is young I've been called everything Yolanda your cemani ha in Miyama okay I like uh oh so I'm sensitive please forgive me see uh not ah forgive me alright hello miss van Zandt hello I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he hasn't said he loves me yet we have a one-year-old I looked am I gonna say to you right now that you got a one-year-old with a man you've been with three years if he hasn't said he loves you do you need him to say that why didn't you get that handled before you had a job hello we have a one-year-old daughter I love him but mmm don't know okay okay let me just say this I'm not computer savvy don't be abbreviating stuff because I started to say idk idk if you don't love me I will be saying bad words don't say that I'm not computer savvy I am computer handicapped all right but I don't know if he loves me he used to cheat before our daughter I to know if he truly loves me or should I move on maybe why don't you ask him why don't you ask him does he love you and then ask him why doesn't he tell you that he loves you and then let him know that you need to hear it because when someone really loves you they are going to do everything in their power to make you happy and if it would make you happy to hear this man say I love you then you need to ask for what you need and what you want now again you already have a child together we're gonna do a show about that I gotta understand why we're having children unconsciously but they're not going to talk about that today we're talking about when somebody doesn't love you back that's our topic okay so ask for what you want ask him why hasn't he ever said that he loves you and tell him you need to hear it and you need to hear it often you need it whispered in your ear you needed wrote on little notes you need them to say it to you if he needs it so you want to find that first does he love you and then you want to find out why doesn't he say it you want to let him know he needs it and then based on his response you get to choose whether you stay with a man who won't give you what you need who can't say he loves you you get to choose beloved okay that doesn't mean he doesn't love you it just means that you haven't communicated to him something that you need and we do that in relationships alright we're going to go to our first guest of the evening her name is Chantel Chester Chantel are you there my beloved hello oh you're a young little whippersnapper I'll do you 224 oh my god 24 years old look at you you cannot have a problem in life and you are 24 years old do you know how old I am I could tell you a problem alright my beloved tell me I can support you this evening okay well I needed your help because I want to learn how to love my mother when I know that she doesn't love me back because it's always been that way between me and her she's a recovering drug addict and you know my whole childhood she's done drugs I've seen her dose skills on drugs maybe three or four times and she's just never been that mother um in my household growing up we would have but they were slice and bite I everything is just negative there was no good moment that I could not remember in my childhood and so there were times that my mom would tell me to go and kill myself uh I was a stupid just it was really bad and even until this day I still feel like as I'm an adult and she's a recovering addict she still doesn't try to make up for lost time to learn I try to be there for her and down there was a time when she was in the hospital ill because of her high blood pressure I my family called me and he told me they were like oh she's in the hospital but I didn't feel anything but with my grandmother I felt like like I would die and it scared me because why don't I feel that for my mind I don't want some question the man she questioned why don't you feel that for your mom because I just feel like she's never connected nickname there yeah I heard you let me see if I got it correctly I heard you say that growing up your mom was a substance abuser she was addicted to something yeah okay okay cocaine and that you watched her or saw her experienced her overdose two or three times is that accurate yeah and that now that you are an adult you don't seem still don't seem able to connect to her and that during a recent illness that she had you didn't feel anything yeah all right and you want to know how to love your mom yes I could I wanted you to know that I heard you because very often when when children grow up and they are children of substance abusers they're not seeing and they're not heard so I really wanted you to know that I heard you yeah yeah so let me say this to you you love your mother you really do what you don't know how to do is how to trust her with your heart again okay does that make sense to you it makes sense yesterday because a mother is a child's lifeline mother is a child's lifeline she is for all intents and purposes their God on earth they can love daddy mama is the lifeline she got the food she got the clothes she got the money she got the bandage she got the cookies oh this is God Oh Elliott yes no children put all of their trust in the mother first or the the caregiver and I'm hearing that your mom was your primary caregiver is that accurate yes my mother was and so when that trust when that Reliance dependence on the mother is broken the child's heart is broken into a million pieces and I do feel like an empty void like I have a daughter she's three years old and I want to be able to give my son fully to her because she deserves there but something what kind of Rockaway listen lesson number one people do what they do the way they do it because of who they are and the information they have at the time you are a child of a substance abuser who was never fully validated or connected to their mother you didn't learn how to do it does that make sense yes ma'am yeah so you're expecting you self to do something that you don't know how to do you didn't see it demonstrated that's very unkind and unloving you have to learn how to mother and the way you'll do that is to begin mothering yourself I want to get through all of this so hold on for one second it's not that your mother didn't love you beloved not that she didn't she wasn't present in her body she was out of her right mind she was a substance abuser now I want you to hear this some substance abusers take their children and leave them in the street and forget where they are some substance abusers have their children taken away from them and the kids go into foster care or they go to other family members some children some substance abusers sell their children for drug money some substance abusers simply walk away your mother held on to you would that be accurate yeah even in the midst of her dysfunction she held on to you she wasn't present in her right mind but she had enough sense to hold on to you your mother loves you she wasn't present in her body because of the drugs and that she is recovering she's learning to come back present in her body she has to learn and relearn an entire range of emotions and an emotional library in addition to which every time she looks at you my beloved she sees how she's a young reminder you are a reminder of the mother she wasn't so she may appear to be angry with you she may appear to be upset with you she may try to do shoot you away and get rid of you but the truth is she is probably riddled with guilt and shame every time she looks at you so now how does that help you first I want to hear what you just heard me say tell me what you've heard me say that my mother was not present and in her right night but she loves love because she did hold on to me in my other four siblings yes and some you say it that on she feels that every time that she sees me being a mother because I'm a constant reminder yeah how she feels yes oh and that it's not that you don't love her it's that you're afraid to trust her with your heart again because of all you experienced in your childhood why would you give your heart to this woman who wasn't there for you does that make sense yesterday yeah so how do you begin to hear okay is the lesson again people do what they do based on who they are and it's it you any information they have at the time some information she got led her to drugs something she saw she demonstrated to you maybe like my dad nobody ever told her they loved her I don't know we all have our experience number one even though it's your mother it ain't personal she's a non-stop you know she has she can't even think about you and she held onto you here's what I want you to say think of some children complaining complaining my mother feeds me trash my mother gives me garbage to eat how could she give me garbage all my friends they have dinner at the table they have cookies on the shelf but my mother feeds me garbage here's what I want you to know that your mother with no shoes on her feet walked all the way up to the rich neighborhood and dug through those garbage cans so she could give you the best garbage she could find yes it was garbage but it was the best garbage that she could find and then she walked back and gave it to someplace in the air you gotta be grateful that she gave you the best she could as painful dysfunctional hard difficult ugly as it was it was the best garbage that she had can you hear me yes I can you're right you can complain that it was garbage but you gotta remember she held onto me yeah there's some people who are not addicted to substances who don't hang on to their children can you hear me yes your work is number one forgive number two learn how to mother yourself give yourself what she didn't give you and once you give it to yourself give it to her because what if what if although she's the mother you're the teacher what if you came to teach your mother how to mother what if I did what I would be what if what if you are the blessing to her what if forgive and mother yourself you can't make up for lost time what would you do with your childhood if you had it today what would you do with it I have a life going on you're going to do with it nothing you can't make up for lost time what you can do is make better use of the time you have learn how to nurture yourself how to nourish yourself because as you do what you're demonstrating it to your daughter and when you feel good do it for your mother nurture her know wish her okay yeah and expect nothing in return nothing because you're healing yourself okay let me try man no don't try it do it why there's only do it don't do I am a student of Yoda okay baby thank you how wonderful is that remember that was a beautiful demonstration of our lesson people do what they do the way they do it based on who they are and the information they have at the time she was a substance abuser and the information she had was as a mother I've got to hold on to my children never thinking of how she was living was causing them damage she gave them the best garbage she could find let's go back to some questions yeah so right here we got a good one and this is Jen Van Dyke what is the best approach to someone who tells you their love for you is dead but then say but then they say I love you and expect you to just act like everything is suddenly back to normal well when they said their love for you were dead why didn't you leave the cemetery I don't understand are you saying that someone yeah I you can't answer me so then why am I asking your discretion beloved we get to choose we get to choose you don't get to tell people how to love you you get to choose whether or not to participate in the way they love you Mina you don't get to tell people how to love you people gonna love the way they love based on who they are and the information they have at the time but you get to choose whether or not you want to participate in the way they love so if the way they love is not pleasing fulfilling satisfying to you if the way they love doesn't make you want to be a better person if the way that you they love you doesn't nurture you and nourish you and fulfill you you get to choose you get to choose let me go on to another question here how's a lovely month and this is Joseph Henderson yay a man hi Joseph so nice to see you hello Yamla I have a friend who continues to be in love with a girl who doesn't love him back and for the last couple of months I have been there to help him but I'm tired of seeing him sad about it what can I tell him to fix this nothing is his lesson all you get to do is watch and pray watch and pray watch and pray here's what I often say to people who seem to be stuck in loving someone who's not loving them back I ask them if you want so badly to be with the wrong person imagine how good it'll feel when the right person shows up and you've got to go through this much to get a little bit of love imagine when you can get a lot of love with a lot less effort ask him that what is it here's what I want you to understand as his friend this relationship is serving a need that he has some healing need he has some growth need that he has and until he gets the lesson until he gets it and until he becomes willing to heal whatever that is within himself he'll go in and out in and out women do it all the time I've seen it I've done it who but he'll go in and out get in and out so you just have to ask him what does it serve how does it serve you to stay in a relationship where you're sad most of the time happy sometimes and imagine what it will feel like to be in love happy in love all the time that's a possibility but don't you dare leave your friend and you can't get tired friends don't get they watch they observe they listen they pray that's what friends do here we go here's another question this is from will Johnson it's not another man I'm excited men listening to me all do currently answering it is difficult being a father and a grandfather to a dysfunctional son and blended grandchildren from multiple baby mamas mm-hmm so mister will we know we can't go back but you created the multiple baby mamas right okay just want to get that out there who say they love you but only when they need me to supply some tangible resource and refuse any reasonable advice for change Oh mister will I thank you so much for this question because so very often we look at men as the providers heartless cold providers just give me what I want they call daddy when they need him and they never think that daddy's got a heart that aches the daddy got a heart that needs to be fed that daddy has a life that I could be a part of but mister will this is your lesson this is your lesson so here is what I want you to do I want you to go back and ask yourself how did I create these relationships how did I create them was I an ATM machine for many years so that I could keep running around and doing what I was doing was I not there when but that's quiet times they may be the healing times how did I create these relationships what was going on for me what was I thinking what was I feeling go back and look at that Mister will and forgive yourself forgive yourself because one of the things I've discovered is that when men have guilt or shame or and bad most men about their lack of presence they'll throw money at it they'll throw money at it you don't have to keep throwing money at it mister well at this point in life you can declare yourself a non ATM ah I am NOT an ATM I want to have a relationship with you I want you in my life I want to be in your life please forgive me for the way it was in the past I want to recreate this now I want to recreate this now and mr. will it probably isn't helpful for you to call your son dysfunctional that's probably not helpful what every son wants to hear his father say is I'm proud of you so perhaps if you're not proud of him yet you might want to say to him what is it that I can do to support you and becoming the great man that I know you are how about that how about instead of giving advice mister will you ask questions ask questions so here's your healing go back clean up how you created these relationships with forgiveness but give yourself for ask for forgiveness whatever you have to do and then declare your new position I'm not an ATM machine I want to be in your life I want you to be a part of my life and that's what I want to create and if you don't want to do that oh well but this giving money not doing that anymore you coming to me only when you need something that doesn't make me feel good mister we'll give these people your heart and let them know you have one I hope that's helpful all right one more question and then we're going to go to our second guess how is this all righty this is ebony Murphy hi hi I feel like I'm in a very toxic relationship with a guy who claims he loves me okay one Google hangout I'm going to have four women to tighten up and build their gut because we're not victims in this world but you've got to be able to feel it in your gut you've got to know when you walk in the room wait a minute this is for me this isn't for me you've got to be able to know when people have you're good at heart and when they don't you're a guy who claims he loves you does he love you or not do you feel love does he make you want to be a better woman does he does he nurture you and nourish you does it doesn't bring you peace and joy do you have a vision with him for him of him does he know your vision that's a relationship otherwise you just hanging out doing lookey I broke up with this guy back in January and he seemed to be okay with it but a few weeks ago he asked when were we getting back together I don't know what to do do you want him listen are you a lunchable or a meal cuz if you are lunchable don't let him come snacking on your toes you gotta let him know why do you we as women believe that we don't have a right to have mmm boundaries criteria you don't have to take him back what is there's nothing for you to do create the vision of the relationship you want make some buddies out there for it maybe it's not you how about that well we've got another guess oh my guess didn't show up how can they can join me okay my tech people say that you can join me now I don't know how that's on that every week they could email us and we'll pick them to be oh okay thank you that's my tech guy cuz I tell you a lot computer crazy I don't know how to do this fight and what he says Navarro says is you can join me every week by sending me a letter based on the topic please make sure you let us based on atomic okay you can send it to info info and max at max low limit max web solutions our info at max that's ma x OB le V solution solutions.com info at max Lim solutions comm send me your letter every week and we can choose you to be a guest on my show because my guest stood me up can you imagine let's summarize where we are this evening what do you do when you love somebody and they're not loving you back what are our three 3s number one people love you based on who they are how they learned about love and the information they have at the time and if you're not getting back what it is that you're giving in ain't personal they just don't know how to love you and you get to choose you've got to look at your patterns and pathologies what you learn how you learned it about relationships about love about yourself because that's what you're going to attract and if you're attracting things and people that are not lifting you up nurturing you really loving on you and making you feel good in the presence then the healing is yours to just it's not about changing anybody else it's your healing the other thing that we have to look at of course is forgiveness forgiving people and understanding that everybody has their story and people are doing the best they can and some people can only do dysfunction that's all they know but the question becomes Friday in your life you don't get to tell people how to love you you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they are loving because some people love a little strangely they think a little whack upside the head is love that is not love they think to go out and stay off all night long because they gave you a hundred dollars was little that's not love you don't get to tell people how to love you get to choose whether or not to participate in the way they're loving you also when you're loving somebody and they're not loving you back let's look at love particularly in intimate loving relationships here's the kind of global criteria I set for myself it may not work for you it may if it does use it if it doesn't oh well do I wanna be a better person in this person's presence do they just want me to be better not that I'm hiding my faults and my shortcomings into our weaknesses but with this person present in my life do I feel like I can grow more be more do more have more does this do you want to feel be a better person just because of this this love that has come to number one that's number one number two do you have to work to get the loan do you have to work do you have to cook and clean and change the sheets and and put on the nightie and the booth can they love you with your curls can they love you with the zit on your face can they love you in your breasts thing can they love you then coz if you got to do too much work to get love then you're pleasing them and you're not building you in this relationship that you're in is it nourishing is it nurturing is it peaceful can you do you know that's a soft place you can fall or do you feel you've got to hide things and not tell things and not stick things that you've got to get your nourishment and your nurturing outside somewhere else whether it's in things and people this is how you know that you're in the presence of love because love is giving love is fulfilling love is strengthening love is unifying it's not separating it's not cold it's not distance love I love it I love to be in love let me answer another question here we go and we're going to go to Briana Webb I knew that name Breanna Webb yes hi Breanna hello miss Iyanla I love it the Miss Yama I'm 21 years old why do these babies have problems I don't understand and the linear the old folks out there a problem I recently met my birth mom eight months ago and after a few setbacks between us we hurt one another my question is how do I completely forgive her love her trust her and rebuild our relationship and start fresh Thank You Brianna for that beautiful question I am hearing in your communication my birth mom so that says Tiffany that maybe you were adopted or you and her worn together and so this hurt that you'll inflicted upon one another maybe because you didn't know each other maybe because you didn't have clear boundaries clear agreements clear expectations just because she's your birth mother doesn't mean that she knows your heart and she doesn't know your soul and because you were with her growing up you don't know her heart and her soul so here's what I would say how do you completely forgive her forgive yourself forgive yourself for not having boundaries for having expectations or having judgments ah forgive yourself and then learn who she is that's how you learn to trust her just because she's your birth mom do you know her story as a woman what is her story as a woman does she know your story growing up I think that wants you to really learn who you are that you'll be able to trust each other again and start anew but start with forgiveness start with forgiving you and then forgiving her if you don't think you have anything to be forgiven for then forgive yourself for your judgments of her she shouldn't have she should have known better why didn't she what she did was good bad right wrong blah-blah-blah-blah-blah those are judgments forgive that let me say two I hope all of you who can will join me this fall when I do a six-week eCourse on forgiveness I mean the intricacies the ins and outs the power the energy the essence of forgiveness because anytime you have a relationship break down you need to forgive so you'll hear more about that but join me in the fall here we have another question this is I'm sorry for squinting I don't have my visual assistance celina Beloit Salina Beloit I met a wonderful man but I struggle with whether or not he loves me it isn't that he doesn't love me is it that he doesn't love me or is it that I'm expecting him to fulfill a void bingo in me that he cannot fill how do I tell which is going on could it be both first of all have you asked him does he love you and have you communicated what your expectations are what what does love look like for you I think this is a conversation that everybody out there who has a partner should have just asked you part what does love look like to you and what does it feel like okay just ask let's just see where we are because you're maybe vibing on two completely different things so ask him what does love look like what does it look like for you what does it feel like for you and share with him what love looks like for you and what it feels like for you and then let him know if you're getting that you asked a very important question that so many people do they go into a relationship trying to fill a void they have no idea what the void is but they expect this person to fill it how can that happen if this person is not aware that they have to fill this void first of all that the void exists and second of all that they are expected to fill the void and you can't tell them how to fill it you are setting yourself up and sabotaging them not nice that is not nice that's not a good thing to do to people so your work is to really find out what it is that you are expecting in relationship what it is that relationships bring to you what it is that you expect your partner to do for you and why do you need the partner to do it one one rule of thumb that I have I don't ask my partner to do anything for me that I can't do for myself if I can do it for myself then I won't expected of my partner because anything he can do I can do it too that may not be as much fun I can show do it okay but it is a mistake to expect somebody to do for you what you cannot do for yourself love and partnerships are about sharing and integration not about leaning and and holding on you want your partner to be your partner not your crutch so my beloved Selena find out what it is that you really want in a relationship and why you need it and can you give it to yourself that's how you'll be able to make the distinction and ask him if he loves you just ask it see what he says and if he lies mmm how will you know anyway here's my next question I've been in love this is Neelu Nell Nell ooh now okay hi millou I've been in love or have some sort of connection to a man that does not reciprocate I've known him for years not sure that I like him but I can't seem to move on we were sex buddies but I cut it all need to move on help remember that you can love somebody and choose how to participate in that loving with them what is it that you are expecting from this man and that you're willing to do without you know we do that we expect certain things and then when we don't get it we become willing to do without it and then get mad at the person because they don't give it to us what is it that you're expecting from him and why are you willing to settle settle settle I just made that way though lunchable Oh course meal which are you are you a lunchable come nibble nibble nibble just get a fulfillment or are you a full course meal looking for and offering total and complete satisfaction that's what you have to figure out and once you figure that out you move on I suspect that there's a fear see with him you don't have to really make a commitment and you get to stay in LAC believing that you can't really have what you want brilliant brilliant that's a brilliant thing you're doing then we'll loop mm-hmm here we go one more question before we sign off tonight this is Debbie oxen rider Debbie oxen Rider identity how are you thank you for joining me when do you recommend looking for a man who as he characteristics you recommend who is ready and willing to learn when do I recommend when are you ready to have it see what are you ready to have it and when do you believe you can have it when do you want that kind of relationship see my theory is that you are going to attract who and what you needed who and what you are you know you're just gonna attract it so I don't think you have to go looking where would you look is there a place that one goes looking for men here's what I say to women who are really looking for men because it's going to tell you a lot about yourself every man you pass in the street every man you see every man in the hallway every man in the elevator in the supermarket any man you see just smile and say hi don't expect anything else just smile and say hi don't expect them the answer don't expect to ask for your number don't expect to ever see them again every man you see just smile and say hi what that's going to do is take your man hunger away are you getting used to interacting with masculine energy and all of your stuff that that is attached to them it's gonna start to dissipate just every man you see hi how are you just just keep walking now don't say that if he has a woman do not be talking to men in the street and in the world walking around with one with okay because you could get hurt that way alrighty so I want to just review the things that we learned tonight hopefully it's been helpful to you you got something out of it topic when they don't love you back remember that people do what they do the way they do it based on who they are and the information they have at the time they're just doing what they learn and maybe what you think is not loving you is really the only way they know how to love you and it ain't personal now here's the good news you don't get to tell people how to love you or how to love you get to choose whether or not you want to participate in the way they are loving and I don't care if you've been with them five minutes five months five years or 50 years you get to say this is not working for me this is not love you mean it toodles and as my beloved sir Rodney would say your good is elsewhere go there and get it quickly okay good good is not here with me look at your patterns and pathologies look at how you learned about love look at what love look like for you look at the relationships that you saw because that's what made the impression on you and until you heal that through forgiveness until you heal that through acknowledgement until you heal that through just creating a new idea in your mind you are going to attract what you saw so you want to clean up your own patterns and pathology remember people come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime everybody doesn't come to stay so that's why having children and having a big wedding you want to be sure that this is at least a commitment you're willing to make for long term and not just a fly-by-night sometimes reasonable people and seasonal people they've got a gone they're not going to stay there all right also understand that when we have a very desperate heartbreak it'll be hard for us to give our heart to another person so you really want to do your forgiveness work so I hope tonight was helpful for you it's been lots of fun for me I want to encourage you to subscribe to my youtube channel that would be you to young lavance app and we're starting a new series tomorrow called young us daily notes and you'll get a little message from me just inspirational messages that you can share because I really want to support you in doing the work I want to thank you all for your support and your continual support of I'm gonna fix my life but you know that's eight weeks twice a year we got to do this work all the time so do invite a friend do tell the family members I really want to get a couple so I want a couple to come on and I want to support you and working through whatever challenges you may have so if you are a couple out there and you want to do some work with me and you're willing to do it publicly just like fix my life except it's free you don't have to travel anywhere then you want to send me an email at info info at max level ushion at max level if you can't get it there senator Iyanla calm and we'll get it and we'll do some work send me your questions each week next week our show is going to be about let me see if I remember I'm running it through my brain what is our show about next week anything you want to talk about how about that our show next week it could be about anything you want to talk about personal stuff trust love relationships money spirituality anything you want to talk about it will be asking how about that because I'm going to be sending you your daily dose all week long you're gonna get those messages all throughout the week so I'm sure they'll stir up some questions so send me some good enquiries I want to thank everybody that sent their questions and tonight you know I can't get to to all of them but I will choose one or two impose some stuff up on the YouTube channel remember just in case nobody's too

Channel: Iyanla Vanzant

Views: 2,281,899

Rating: 4.884305 out of 5

Keywords: #hangoutsonair, Hangouts On Air, #hoa, Iyanla Vanzant (Author), #iyanlasfixins, Iyanla fix my life, Oprah Winfrey Network (Organization)

Id: xET0kkgJrz4

Length: 59min 47sec (3587 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 04 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/AngelKittyDevilKitty]

Thanks for posting this I found it very helpful!!

[u/diamondfaces]

Thank you for this! "You don't get to tell people how to love, you get to chose whether or not to participate in the way they are loving you." This is so remarkably helpful!