Raul Sanchez Cap City

mr. Robley say a little bit thank you everybody thank you I appreciate that I'm in love with every one of you I want to marry you one day like an honest audience out of you so here's something I never understood man I don't understand I don't understand why every time a bear mauls a human being with its claws it's considered a ferocious attack but as soon as I started scratching in a fight all of a sudden it's gay the only reason doing on you're not a duro man [ __ ] that do last week man has since he started scratching me like I didn't scratch you dude I mauled you bro roses as a bear baby trying to pull here I'm a grown man everybody it's right grown man I know this because enough people have yelled it at me she's like rah you're a grown man for Christ's sake stop grabbing the dog by its back legs and walking him like a wheelbarrow he doesn't like it snot smiling back he's trying to bite your hands one of my friends just got out of jail yeah I hate hanging out with him sometimes man cuz he always wants to play these Prison games no I know that sounds weird but I mean like I mean like like he always like I always wants to play chess you know like he's like I hear oh you won't play chess man let's play chess be quick like yeah yeah I don't know how to play chess then I think is kind of boring and he's like ah but you see the reason you don't know how to play chess is because chess chess is the thinking man's game is it any is it a thinking man's game or is it the game of a man who couldn't go outside for seven years so I don't want to play chess but I was allowed to go to the mall why don't we just have a toothbrush sharpening content alright I hope you guys don't misunderstand me tonight man I really do you know I've been misunderstood my entire life you know like even as a young lad you know like when I was a kid my father used to be a painter I like used to paint houses right when I told my friends in elementary yeah they thought I made a painter like Picasso so hey what is your dad do for a living row and I was like oh he's a painter like a what your father's a painter does he make a lot of money being a painter buzzing I guess we had cable there for a while kind of count for something right but when you're a kid you don't really know the difference between being poor and being rich you know like I didn't know we were poor I just knew that in our house if someone was in the shower and you turned on the faucet you might kill him I just I don't know I guess it's got I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood man and like and you could tell it was a poor neighborhood right because all the houses had chain-link fences yeah I know you don't know what I mean but but answer yourself this way when's the last time you've gone through a nice neighborhood and thought we had beautiful chain-link fence it really brings out the Victorian windows by day today I grew up in a tough neighborhood and it was like it wasn't like the craziest place in the world you know but there was definitely some [ __ ] villains there man like and what psych about is like they were the type of dudes where like like they wouldn't just steal from you they also had to do things to mess with your head while they did it right cuz I remember one time like this dude stole my backpack right but the way that he did it was will [ __ ] with my head cuz we were sitting there and he goes hey man that's a nice backpack you got there man could I see that backpack real quick and I was like yeah sure and he grabs it he goes man this is a nice backpack man and then he like zipped it open and then he grabbed my books and then he put him on the ground and it goes I mean I gotta get out here you're just started walking away and I go a man what are you doing my backpack and I can't even stop walking he just go well what backpack and like this mess with my head cuz that was the first time that I ever realize that sometimes in life she can just stop being yours for no reason you're just like oh that's not mine anymore I didn't know that that could happen but now I do and what was worse is like this dude didn't just steal my backpack man like he stole my reality you know cuz I went home my books under my arms like all man right I was like you lose dude stumer to Kimble my mom's like hey where's your backpack oh the man what backpack see my backpack here anywhere now I worry a lot oddly enough the only times I don't worry is like when my check engine light comes on and I should write but I think it's cuz I treat my check engine light the way I treat those commercials for starving people in other countries like as soon as it comes on I'm like it sucks that's bad I don't do anything about it you know just sit there like oh god wish you hadn't seen that that didn't help anybody just made me uncomfortable that's all I have to the third or fourth time that it comes on where I'm like alright I get it I get it there are bad things happening on the other side of the dashboard it's not my fault I'm on this side a lot of problems here too a lot of trash my cars Lee not that dirty man I just don't have enough cupholders I think if I had like 46 cupholders all in the front forty six tiny trash cans this is really what they are let's face let's take it this man not a relationship man and relationships are great until they're not right here's one thing I always found strange about relationships how our culture dictates how a relationship is supposed to go just because that's how we decided to relationships supposed to progressed you know in our culture right like when you first start going out with somebody right you lived separately she's got her own apartment you got your own place at your mom's house right I don't mean to generalize you know better cuz I live with my mom till I was 29 but only because that's how long it took her to raise me with my father I wanted to leave I was like mom am i raised and she was like no you're not done yet all right well we're out of cereal so she probably go get some right but that's how it happens in that and then you get married and you move in together right but I think it should be the other way around you know I think when you first meet somebody you should immediately move in together like after the first date you immediately move in together so you could see what you're working with you know like do they squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom or are you gonna have to throw them out a [ __ ] window cuz it's not that hard you know and then when you get married then you live separately dude how many relationships with that same when you're with somebody for a really long time you're just like I can't stand the way you chew your [ __ ] food anymore I have to marry you so I don't see you every day you're in that just married limo all of a sudden it comes to a full stop and they're like well we stopped in here but you're like this is me where I live now sweetie we're married now separately sometimes you got to get over like breakups to bang because they hurt you know I one time I got hurt really bad right I had to get over it but you know I finally did it you know how I got over it was I I kept thinking about my next one well I used to sit there and just fantasize about what my next girlfriend was gonna be like but yeah man my [ __ ] Golf is gonna be gorgeous you know like you know the tie where they see us together like man why the [ __ ] is she with that guy like that just beautiful you know dumb is a rock I want to be so dumb when I say dumb I don't mean like helmet dumb know where I go pick her up and I hate baby Reddy's like yeah sure just give me a second split sigh oh oh it's weird I didn't see your bike outside is like I know this is my walking helmet it's what I used to walk because you see sometimes my head will fall on the floor but it's still attached to my body and if I don't notice it I'll just keep dragging my head our concrete and it's embarrassing I don't mean that dumb you know but I definitely want her to have trouble reading and not in a messed up way I mean in a cute way you know she asks me for help she's like hey baby what's this word you theta third let me see cactus right and she's not offended by you know she's actually folding laundry practicing is like cactus crazy word so ridiculous I'm about to go to bed she comes out of the shower right wearing nothing but these tight green bootie shorts she gets on the doorway as you say hey guess what I am beautiful no stupid I'm a cactus that's what I want Mitch is that too much to ask you guys voting here alone yeah got your candidate pic down from all these maniacs I don't vote ma'am and I could because I don't have any felonies and I read kind of good now I do have a college reading level no I knew this one guy that I used to do drugs with and you said man I don't believe in that and reading levels is like either you read or you don't I was like now do it it makes a huge difference there are reading love like and I'll give you guys the same example that I gave him this is three people reading the same sentence at three different reading levels all right elementary school reading level I love penguins if I was a boy penguin I would have sex with all the girl Penguins high school reading level I love penguins if I was a boy penguin I would have sex with all the girl penguins right now college reading level ready what the [ __ ] who wrote this this is the stoop [ __ ] that I've ever read in my life because critical thinking is as much part of reading and reading itself and you can't do that when you're freebasing cocaine I was true a man I didn't I don't that's why I don't vote you know I don't but you have to understand this why don't you have to understand that a presidential candidate is a beggar he begs you for your vote he begs you to put him into power and I don't believe that the presidency should be something that should be won by begging no the presidency should not be a beggar's trophy the presidency should be like jury duty you should find out that you got the gig barefooted in your underwear opening up your mail and going like [ __ ] I got president should have to call your friends and be like hey man I can't go on spring break with Childers here man I got president and your friends are like oh dude just tell him your races man I can't take you you're racist that's what it should be like ma'am I have a gun not on me yeah so I guess I do believe that in a gun right I do believe in gun rights man am I gonna lie you know I do but not because of the Second Amendment or any of that [ __ ] you know like I'll tell you the truth if you asked me a row why do you have a gun I'll tell you look I have a gun because I don't have time to learn karate that's what a gun is matter back anytime you pick up a gun you just picked up 15 years of karate just intimidating right especially when you use it as a hearing Angela what was that [ __ ] man [ __ ] you saying I [ __ ] heard you say stop right I have my Smith & Wesson on it hey guys thank you so much that's my time

Channel: Raul Sanchez Comedy

Views: 615,016

Rating: 4.8725786 out of 5

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Id: A3KgAoRTlhA

Length: 14min 59sec (899 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 05 2017