MIKE E. WINFIELD- FULL HOUR My Side Of The Story

what up what sacramento are you [Applause] and ready mike thank you very much thank you very much yeah yeah someone's like that's one sexy ass microphone [Laughter] who wouldn't even know i was dealing with all these trust issues at the house i mean as we speak my wife's at the house searching all my pockets going through all my social media if i want to get in touch with her i gotta email myself but i accept accountability yes i'm the blame because what i've been able to do is provide so she can live out her dream which is to stay home all day and try to catch me and [Laughter] it has nothing to do with me and i know it because when i got accused i couldn't find something i'm like man i can't find my coat it's probably some bitch's house like why can't it just be in the hall closet that's where we keep the coats right why is that never one of your options sex is not that good it makes you forget your coat if so that be the brand new slang you're with the homie like hey yo how was it last night he like so good up i got my coat you should have saw me i was like bro see i almost forgot my car i was on the bus like the hell of my dog the bus pimping that's a good booty when you catch the bus to get it i'ma need a transfer that's how you know ladies when the sex is amazing what the guy went through to get there if you answer the door and he rolls up on a razor scooter he ain't worth a damn but you made his day and let's not be naive a dude would ride a scooter to have sex he's like i don't have a way to i'm on my way but my coat staying here i heard about her that's gonna be a sad ass day when forgot my coat catches on right you're gonna be at some girls house glance in her claws and then call your homeboy like dude it's like burlington coat factory up in here you should come through man wait your coat's already in here that's disgusting but i'm still going through with it what happened to the trust i'm asking myself every day she's searching my phone like all the time like every morning she searches my phone i go pick it up my phone feels so molested when i get it up so where are we mike she went on through me she even played with my abs how did she get your thumbprint if you search phones admit it just admit it damn cause all women search phones right later of quiet right now yeah act like you ain't even hear the question [Laughter] she just died alive keep tapping on your shoulder like you hear this don't you y'all tune out when you don't want to hear don't you i love it when you shake his no i don't i don't those of you shaking your head no you real crafty with your words okay i don't all right i don't search his phone i might look through it from time to time she doesn't have to pee that much in the middle of the night she's sitting on the toilet in the dark scrolling through everything and you're going to get a random question in 12 days because if you don't know by now you are currently under an investigation the moral of the story is lacking your phone is not enough sleep with it in your ass before bed i cram mine up there she's like why are you standing next to the wall i'm like it's charging [Music] [Laughter] fifty tough man technology is going around if you got an ounce of dirt if you're thinking anything dirty you're busted the same day i'm talking internet cell phones facebook you're busted that's why i always got a history question like how did dudes get caught cheating in the 80s no internet cell phones facebook these dudes had to be caveman stupid they must have walked in the house with the chick like huh who hey i don't see nobody [Music] running for your life what are you talking about [Laughter] [Music] i've always wondered how far does infidelity date back you think dudes during caveman times was getting caught cheating some woman pissed off i was in your cave earlier so man you got writing on your walls now [Laughter] sometimes it ain't even about you you know what's messed up when the homie get caught cheating and you gotta act like you can't believe it james say something that's just irrelevant our moms know each other we both like the simpsons james my wife's older i've always been attracted to older women when does that end never never never so i'm gonna be like 80 like look at her over there about to die i know you can't hear me girl i gotta get those before the lord dies i got some tennis balls for that walker whatever that means that's all you got to do is say the line right that's when they like it i didn't have any balls on him sexy to me oh my gosh i love it i love all women i do love older women i like when they have that little wrinkly like right about right there i love it when her children just moved out like i can set up my computer in the extra bedroom yeah my lady she's older i got a step son it's cool being a parent to a kid that's close to your age i call him step man he drove me here that's my step homie we formed an alliance like we can't defeat her on our own the dynamic is weird though it's unusual you know the other day my wife and i we about to argue we get ready to fight and stepman was in the room so she motions for him to leave i'm like oh i don't get it why does he have to leave she's like we're not going to argue in front of the kid like him nah he could stay he got some of the same issues with you that i have and i ain't the cause of your anger stepman said this has been going on for years come back step man this is an intervention for her anger issues he's like i got plans very well he getting into trouble stepman was drinking some underage high school party not cool my wife and i are discussing how we gonna handle it i'm like i don't know what to do she's like go get him i drive around the corner to pick him up i came home three hours later she said michael you been drinking i'm like we got all the same friends everybody was there he's still there i'ma go get him again unless you want to drive i have been drinking the thing is i don't want to be a hypocrite that's what parents are hypocrites what do parents do tell their children stuff not to do that they used to do right my dad's the worst when he would tell me stuff not to do he would laugh in the middle when he thought about the time when he did it like well you had no business in there with them girls you had no business in there then you had the nerve to pull out that hennessy you crazy for that one boy get out of here when he get fired up he don't stop moving [Music] but the thing is i want my love to stick i want it to last forever that's why i studied grandpa he's 30 plus years in how did he make a stick for so long you know what i noticed about grandpa and target grocery stores walmart he never gets out the car i always walk past the car like what does he know and it never made sense until one day her and i go into the store together i'm gonna put what happened in her words are we clear her words so apparently i held the door too long for some that's what you like michael that's what you want like i held the door for her i don't mean i want her i held it over him i want to do it to him and maybe i'm out of line but i think that's an outrageous accusation to think i was holding the door so i could have sex i wish it was that easy i wouldn't be a comedian i'd be mike e winfield the doorman i'll be the youngest walmart greeter ever i know it's my day off i'm not here for the money i'm here for the benefits yo mike how was work can't complain it's like doors are really beginning to open up for a player my boss is like that old mic never misses a day employee of the man we all got issues so i get in no one's business you know the only people i don't understand however these people you know these people are the ones that call the radio station for relationship advice right you ever hear these people we've been dating for 10 years i know he loves me but lately he's not responding we have four children what should i do dj funky freddy b [Applause] like i ain't changing this the worst is when you're on your way to work and he's like we'll solve your problems right after this song for rihanna you're like great now i have to be late cause that excuse don't work on the boss doesn't you show up hey sorry i'm late some chick couldn't get her life together but dj funky freddy b fixed it with tickets to summer jam you know love love is ruining so many relationships i don't know what your issues are but that's where they stem from a lot of time that's the issue on my house she loves me too much that's the problem because guess what we love you he loves you i love her but she loves you women and she's losing her mind she don't even know like before we go to bed she said crazy she don't even know she just said it i'm like at night she's like if i can't have you no one else will like i'm up now is there something we need to discuss i can't watch family feud under these circumstances i keep getting all the answers wrong she loved me so much she hates the entire world around me hates the family hates work you know when she hates the homies you could tell when your girl hates the homies when they're over you just read her body language it tells the entire story she's like and don't try to leave with the homies at night mistake never fails as i'm walking out the door she'll say something scary to haunt my entire evening as i'm walking out i'm like all right i'm about to leave she's like you've already left hell does that mean i'm driving like i know i was there when i said it now i'm at the club like how could i have left if i was there when i said that the homie's like hey yo mike you calling like when did i leave am i here because she loves you when you leave and she says have fun you think she means that have fun is the most sarcastic disrespectful use of language that can come out of a person's mouth man you have fun why you always talking to me when it's time for me to leave don't you got an angry text message to prepare [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] and then you leave and you get one foot out the front door why is it you already got this long ass message how she write that much that quick i think they keep it in their saved messages i promise check the memos and the drafts on her phone there's already arguments written up and she's like here's number 17. you get outside check your phone like 13 pages how she write 13 pages i ain't gonna make it y'all i gotta read this term paper and accept the terms and conditions you gotta check the box you ever been in the middle of a good fight right when it's about to get heated you ever do this guys do this the most here we go hey don't you let that one whether here we go you know where here we go means i should have got out when i had the chance we love you but it never stops it's just non-stop with you every corner there something like something something like it never stops when i'm with my wife we meet so many how do i know because she's always like michael she's a i'm always like oh really come i never meet this chick when i'm alone i would like to meet but now when i'm with my chaperone not with my pit bulls by my side now know why grandpa never got out the car [Laughter] but i'm never leaving her i'm never leaving her never ever i hope it sounds creepy [Laughter] never letting her go partially because i can't imagine some other man making her happy just to find out it was my fault the whole time i just want to be a role model for stepman that's all i'm trying to do that's my goal in life your role model for stemming she told me to give him the birds in the beast speech i'm like i don't got a speech i'm barely in the game myself but i had to step to the plate and i did it i walked in the room him and i spoke i walked out the room smarter she said is he going to practice abstinence i said i don't think he should the boy's ready and from these notes i took it turns out you've been doing it wrong the whole time i printed you a copy we'll study later if you're willing teenage boys most gruesome individuals that exist i don't know who has teenagers but they're nasty you know when they're doing inappropriate stuff on their laptop because when you walk in on them they'll slam it down really fast and then ask you some irrelevant question i walk in on stepman he's like who's running for congress all right step man pull up your pants yo why you got candles burning you nasty bastards those ain't even the right candles those are birthday candles and you're in here alone what are you getting romantic with yourself this is gruesome you know what now give me the lotion the stepman's tall so he'll grab the lotion and put it higher so i can't reach it that's disrespect stepman [Music] i just want to be a role model that's it i try to motivate the youth want to do something find something work somewhere you don't have to love it you know find somewhere work hate it for a whole bunch of years like the rest of us did you i don't like where you worked i worked at this grocery store for a lot of hateful years oh gosh i don't know if you've ever hated a job but why is it when you hate your job they won't fire you i was giving the manager hints you know i was late today is this cash from the register what are we going to do about this he's like we're gonna go back to work not what i had in mind hated the store it was a scary neighborhood i didn't like the neighborhood and then i worked in the steel department if you're not familiar with the steel department at the grocery store it's the self-checkout lane yes i got paid to watch people steal all day and people make you stupid like you know when they're gonna rob you when they're ringing up this stuff because they always have to look back up at you and my manager was the worst he's the worst he always shows up listen mike if people are stealing i need you to do something like i'm afraid not sir that's not happening i live around here i know these fools what happens if i apprehend william he like half of this for you dog i know william struggle with me didn't run off william got away how do i know whose name [Laughter] thank you for getting it very late ma'am later slash this one dude tried to humiliate me i knew he's about to rob us because i'm looking at him he's looking at me i'm like just stealing i'm not coming after you i'm wearing orthopedics you can't spread in shoes that feel like marshmallows he tries to play me while he's bringing up his stuff i'm watching them this dude makes the beat noise with his mouth he didn't even do it right you know you got to act this out go all in raise your pit show some effort at least he's like dude the produce is not even supposed to make a sound you're beeping unbeatable stuff clear example is someone who doesn't know how to old saying goals you don't see the cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl exactly yeah she won't steal the cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl that's great you guys are like i've never heard that i like how everyone's looking for the black people like have you guys heard of the black people here like we ain't heard that either man you gotta ask mike [Applause] that's great you haven't heard you don't see the cake mix if you ain't thought about i know i made that up but y'all should use it i love her face she's like how no i want to i do i don't understand usually doing arguments that you just want to dismantle you want to unravel you want to fight me over deliver the line walk off ends the entire situation it's that simple you just deliver what no no you don't say the cake mix if you ain't start about all it takes is one person tonight to be like you know what he has a point where you gonna mix it the grocery store ruined me psychologically that's what happened when you're in hateful environments i can't go in stores now i do dumb stuff like glance in people's baskets and guess what they're gonna do with the stuff i can't help it whether i'm wrong i just do it i'm behind this woman as usual i glanced her entire purchase you know with seven cucumbers that was it so good you're thinking what i'm thinking like there's not a salad that big she didn't get lettuce or nothing it's like throw in a turnip and then she left she's like i don't need a bag i'm like yeah where is she gonna put on give me your number not for me stepman's here he's on the hunt cucumbers are ruining men this is not a game yeah we live in a day and time where women can grow our replacement that is not a secure feeling because it doesn't work the other way around because i know if dudes could grow a vagina we would all be farmers i'd be in the middle of the garden with straw in my mouth you know that vagina sure is growing in well this season i'd be so proud like these are the collard greens these are the yams and all this is the [Applause] thank you god for my vagina farm yo mike where you work i don't i no longer need money oh and these ones are organic but you know as farmers we're real serious when it comes to the weather lost a lot of good in the dryer 03. you can't have a relationship if you if you have a vagina farm i'd have no patience for the relationship she's like take me to the movies like you know what i don't need this i'm going to the backyard i've decided to live off the land i just want to guide step man properly that's it [Laughter] i don't want him exposed to too much i saw too much too young i remember i was this young in my grandpa's garage i found this whole nasty stack of magazines you're like you're right from there i ain't even know what it was i just knew something was wrong cause i found it in a phone book under a bucket and i'm older now he passed on the only reason it's strange is because it feels like i'm the only one that knows about grandpa's lust for asian women that's all he had was asian women he loved asian women he volunteered for vietnam he was quoted in their newspaper saying we got out of there too soon [Music] and porn's been going on for decades we went from what from stashing magazines to clearing history she's messed up because if your history's clear she knows you've been watching porn that's why i think apple microsoft someone needs to develop some fake history you can plant in your browser right that way next time your girl snoops in your stuff she's like i got a good guy no pornography i mean he's been reading a lot about nicaragua her homegirl's like my man too that's gonna be the new inside joke for the homies you're gonna be at the ball see your boy across the way like hey it's crazy in nicaragua that's got problems ladies don't have to sneak you'll never have to sneak and watch inappropriate stuff because if your dude was the best in the room and get you he's just gonna start undressing i can't believe you will watch this without me i know i took off my pants before my shoes i'm flustered right now i can't get my thoughts together thank god i didn't have on skinny jeans you cannot peel those off in a jiffy you know this is true you ever watch a love scene on tv a real romantic nasty scene the dude never has on skinny jeans the scene would take too long could you imagine if he had on skinny jeans hey baby you ready can we just do it with one leg on that's what they're doing now we do so much as guys we do not get enough credit i'm serious right now it's always about you ladies all about you every day what happened to us yeah what happened to the random hugs and kisses i'm patting our ass when we walk out the door grabbing our balls on the drive home what happened to that it's always about you you don't consider our sacrifices what we've been through the things we do for you you know how much i do for her you know what i did my dumb ass didn't know i went to victoria's secret had no idea how expensive this was i grab a bra off the rack i look at the tag i'm like there's no way that could be the actual prize all right i lay it on the counter and she confirms that one brawl is 65 for one bra so i'm like what does it do it better light up or play music or something i better grab her boob and it says mike it's 65 does it have bluetooth tell me something like i'm sorry i'm afraid it doesn't have bluetooth like are you sure so then i step back for a moment because i realize maybe it's me that hasn't caught on this is not news to anyone here you guys know this there's women here how many ladies here are wearing or own abroad that cost 65 or higher make some noise [Applause] [Laughter] 65 to hold boobs should i hold your titties for 65 dollars all day if you need me i'm supportive i only need the 65 dollars i hold your boobs on the house gosh i had this happened recently speaking of boobs i had i had a good show and afterwards this girl wanted me to sign up boobs and i didn't i didn't frankly i was a little offended because the other boob was already signed i'm the headliner who come to me first i don't sign titty second that's beneath me so anyways i'm staring at the counter and this girl who told me to brought 65 and i'm just looking at her giving her offer me a coupon face nothing i'm like damn it all right you're a comedian say something funny and dip i had nothing only thing i could come up with is i just moseyed away from the counter like this that's how i exited and just moseyed my ass inside of jc penney yeah eight dollars you ain't even hear me eight dollars for the brawl and the pennies it came on the same hangar and it was beige brown beige is the unsexiest underwear color ever invented if you out with your lady tonight and she got on beige drawers this is the end of the night hey and she knew it before you left the house she's like yeah i'm just throwing the beige ones today we ain't doing that you should check right now like wait a minute oh hell no i didn't come to just laughing mike so anyways on my mosey out of vicki's secret i see that the panties the bottoms are 23.50 for one pair just imagine if i would have bought the bra 65. plus 23 that's 80 something dollars plus tax what what if i spent that much i couldn't even enjoy the sex she trying to be cute twirling it stretching out all the fabric throwing it i'm like you better take care of this nice i spent 85 dollars plus tax on this you're wearing this again tomorrow you might as well consider this a uniform should i spend that much i'm wearing it too see us both at the gym with a thong line like yo mike you missing your js it's this thong man it's cutting half my ass out i can't focus on my shots but i feel sexy as because the thong has powers it's like it's it's like a thong cape like it enhances the sexuality like she's different when she has it on she's like but it's also not comfortable i notice because i always catch a feel you trying to get it you just kind of go [Applause] and why do i like that i'm like get that out your ass girl get it out your butt the widget ping it ping but whatever it takes anything for love i'm that guy whatever it takes because my wife she demands a lot she expects a lot she should that's how i should be in relationships who else are you supposed to turn to that's why we there for you that's how it's designed that's how and vice versa you know whatever he's asking you to do do that tonight yeah i love it because you can't see what i see which is the ladies faces they all processing this thought right now [Laughter] it's not even your birthday because i know i'm simple i'm very simple i am a simple ass dude whatever it is i ever want from my wife it's never something honorable i'm never like i want you to go out that door and change the world never it's always something that has to do with my balls honey i installed that railing yesterday it took me 14 hours i need you to swing from the ceiling and land on my boss but it shouldn't be a problem i took out the trash last wednesday [Laughter] i think it's imperative that you have secrets behind closed doors those secrets they tighten your barn they strengthen your love they do only you two would know about the time you did that hit and run in kansas and probably killed that person now every time you're watching the news and a story about kansas pops up you look at each other and smirk i say whatever it is experiment that's what love is about trying something new with someone you love who cares what you're asking you know maybe he wants you to dance or something in the bedroom you don't have to know how to dance just attempt some cause the dance is not the sexy part the sexy part is your willingness like you did that for me my dumb ass i love you i don't want to visit the strip club i want to live in the strip club i want to make it rain in my house because then i get to keep all the money like let's do that again i know you can't keep it now if you keep it we can't play again you think i gotta do fives as you was keeping the why you always ruining the game why you think we don't play cable man anymore you need service providers todd is always about you trying to keep the money i can see the five dollars under your shoe whose strips and shoes i realize that every relationship is not catered for romance it's things i want to do but can't i want to take showers together but i can't because she has to have the water on boiling how hot does it have to be i tried it too i got in i was like i don't even look at her the same anymore wait what do you have rhinoceros skin your body made out of aircraft parts i got seven degree burns on my back i can't see cause the bathroom's so foggy i can't find the door to get out i'm like stepman hell she melted the bar soap why is the toilet sweating i just want to see my back what are you doing in there what are you doing then she comes out draped in her towel staring in the mirror like she just washed away all of her sin like you take a boiling shower every night how many sins have you committed and she doesn't trust me but she performs a scorching baptism on a nightly basis all i'm saying is after a shower you shouldn't have to turn off the smoke detector she got me looking out the window like hey false alarm everyone that's my wife she likes her water on devil still ain't seeing my back i want to do romantic stuff but i can't i want to watch movies together at night but not if it starts after 10 pm because one of us is gonna fall asleep you know who you are and why why is it when you're the one falling asleep you're pissed off you're the one that's most aggressive like i'm up i'm up damaged and then you have to prove it you're like he's saying he's saying he's he said something i know i saw this before i can remember it if i try he's sad i don't know why you don't tell us you know i know i don't tell my wife i don't trust her yeah as soon as she smells weakness she likes to bring it up later to hurt my feelings it's bad enough she's so passive aggressive the next morning here's your breakfast mr missed the movie that's if you even get breakfast cause now all of a sudden me falling asleep is the biggest issue in our relationship i walk in the kitchen like hey what happened where's breakfast you want to know where breakfast is you want to know where breakfast is well it's at the end of the movie you don't know where that is dude he doesn't know where that is he doesn't he's unaware one time i call her dozing off i got excited so i grabbed my phone so i could capture proof and as i go to take the photo i hear this groggy voice say don't do it i'm resting my eyes i'm like oh we're allowed to say that i just said that a long ass time ago okay then sleeping beast's voice if you were resting your eyes what just happened in the movie and then she told me which was cool cause i had fell asleep i was like i know he died well i was unpredictable isn't it so unpredictable i'm sorry if you get hot flashes i am sorry but stop cracking the window in the middle of the night i gotta wake up with a scratchy throat cause you can't decide on your own to sleep outside why is camping not an option it's so cold in there i got frost on my afro i look like a black ass snow cone like i can't find my coat i must have left it at that bitch's house [Applause] then we try to turn things up a notch she wanted to role play role play i'm a trained actor you think this is a game this is my livelihood i don't role play i roll real but whatever we do you know we play we play strip club she gets pissed off because she never made it inside the room because i made her pay cover charge stepman was the bouncer he said she's not on the guest list but that means she can't get into that man this club got rules and regulations she outside like it's cold out here open up tired of guys being accused of being liars it's always something you want to label us with we're not liars well we are but it's not just us it's 50 50. you just don't accept any accountability you won't even allow us to catch you in a lie when we finally catch you on the line you bring up some that happened nine years ago which is not even valid anymore under the statute of limitations one particular one that many don't take credit for is when you don't tell us why you're mad that's a lie you're not being honest with your feelings which makes it dishonest checkmate [Laughter] and we we on to you we know that's a trap we know you setting us up we know guessing is confessing you instead of cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl [Applause] the worst is when she's quiet says nothing but she does something and i only had one example one example when i knew she was pissed off i knew her because she made my sandwich with the two end pieces of bread it's worse than you think it is it wasn't even the last two pieces y'all hear that it wasn't the last two that means she had to dig inside the loaf reach to the back and grab out the other end slice and i didn't notice because she tricked me and made the sandwich inside out i was like mayonnaise on the brown side i knew when i was eating on the moon this tastes extra crusty or something you know how hard it is to swallow a double butt bread sandwich [Music] i knew something was fishy when she handed it to me and i saw crumbs on her forearm even stepman was like on the brown side yeah she tried to kill me step man how good do you think that's funny it's great to see smiles on your faces good for you especially you ladies it's cool to see smiles on your faces cause you guys have an entirely different sense of humor the stuff that you guys think is funny oh gosh you ever hear some of the stuff your girl think is funny you're messing around with me i cut your dick off that's not the least bit of music i'm saying i've heard funnier stuff i hate the stuff that she think is funny i hate it when she's on the phone with one of her home girls and they think it's so funny it's always so unfunny to me it pisses me off she like girl i cannot find my keys i looked everywhere i looked me on a tv i looked in the fishbowl guess what they was ready in my purse your sense of humors are different there's things guys haven't even told you i'm just sharing with you now he does not want to hear your work story i'm sorry you had to find out like this it's not as hilarious as you think it is it's only funny to you because you know the entire cast and it sucks too because she thought this was the funniest thing the entire day like she called you on her lunch break like i gotta start it and then she waited the entire day to run through the front door like i gotta start he knows how your stories go so he has to brace himself like let me sit down for this [Laughter] and for some reason we always have to repeat the parts of the story back to you i think partially is because we can't believe you think this is funny hey all right so you're saying you're saying that charlie keeps using the wrong stapler she's like oh my gosh yes [Music] that boy charlie crazy he a fool charlie charlie and charlie boy charlie crazy and then somewhere inside of her it clicks that you don't think her story is funny you oh how bad that hurts you know how painful it is she waited the entire day to tell the one person in the world that she loves the most and he just on her story that's like a physical blow she's like well never mind that i won't tell you that happens at work you're not funny either those people that come to your show they don't even know you they saw your face on the poster and you had big-ass teeth and your mother she's a you're like why is that relevant it just is you know stop bringing up the hypothetical threesome to your dude why are you bringing that up you know would be crazy like what do you think i'm thinking when you bring that up you bring that up to me i'm like hell yeah but i love her i don't want to hurt her feelings so now i got to respond back with a three-part process there's three parts i'm like i mean i don't if you do do you but you can't have a threesome once you're in love once your chemistry's that tight you can't bring in a third it would never work like having a threesome once in love is like bringing a police officer along with you to rob a liquor store hi all right i'm headed inside now we discussed this i just don't want you trying to get me for this later cause i'm going in and there's only one rule for dudes when it comes to the threesome do not ever bring it up first she will rip out your soul she will tear you apart you bring multiple women you you you can't even handle one what are we supposed to do when you passed out i'm supposed to get the nutter you want me to learn her name the moral of the story is if you want to have a threesome your lady cannot be one of the two respect her enough to leave her out of this but never bring it up first that's the only rule you can't because of the way women think they're already steps ahead in some other direction i bring up a threesome to her what is she thinking i already have a woman picked out that's the first thing she thinks when i bring up a threesome mr saying the at walmart with the green shorts i knew just want the love to sustain and i want honesty and love to prevail i'm tired of being set up a lot of guys don't even know they're being set up when she sends you to the grocery store alone [Laughter] it's a setup and she knows i forget stuff so she planned all that it's like i didn't even need the stuff she sent me to get because you know what real men we're survivors we know how to go without you know one time i make guacamole without avocados [Music] are you sending me for olives we got grapes in a refrigerator and i see some of you like you're not making sense you're not while no i am she set all this scenario up knowing i would forget stuff so she could hit the emotional switch she has mastered the switch so she needs that scenario because without it she just looks psychotic so she sends me to the store i come back without stuff and she can hit the switch as needed i only sent you for chips and salsa and you forgot the salsa how stupid are you where are we supposed to dip him michael i can't hear you a list a list damn stupid no the chips the chips were supposed to remind you there's a picture on the back of the damn bag i could have choked on a dry chip the coupon on the front was for free salsa [Music] he thought we were gonna eat your nasty-ass guacamole i don't know i don't know your stupidity is weakening me what's happening and then what was going on in nicaragua you can't yell like that in the house ever who does it affect when you yell like this yes the children here come stepman so you forgot the salsa huh she could have choked [Music] guess you gonna need this tonight [Applause] and i love this i love this because you guys helped me realize why i do stand up yeah i just think i just think i just stand up to writing people's days and put smiles on people's faces now i do this because i'm married and for one hour a night i get to tell my side of the story good night thank you very much thank you everyone thank you very much i appreciate it thank you thank you thank you for coming up thank you i love you we did it we did it i love you we did it thank you very much [Music] thank you very much thank you very much i love it thank you thank you thank you [Music] you

Channel: Mike E. Winfield

Views: 492,446

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Id: bz46Uq5vQo4

Length: 63min 30sec (3810 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 06 2020