UNDERSTANDING THE FATHER WOUND - Daddy Issues by RC BLAKES

good evening good evening good evening this is our se blake's and I am so excited to be able to have this little discussion with you tonight know it's Christmas Eve so hope that somebody's there to to receive me and to at least hear what we have to talk about tonight if you can share this and I don't know somehow make people know that that I'm on here tonight I've been a little lazy lately and that's due to just kind of an extreme work schedule I suppose that has prevented me from being as present as I'd like to be but I have an issue that I want to discuss tonight and I'm going to be I'm gonna try to discuss as much of this as I can I recently released my first online program transcending the father wound and and so in conjunction with that you know I want to do some sessions here on YouTube centered around the subject for those that may not be able to afford the course or you know for whatever reason I want to make certain that the message is consistent and that people get it because the more I the more I delve in to this this issue relative to fathers and the reason I have to as I put it dive into it relative to father wounds is because I've never had one that is I've never had a father wound I had a tremendous father had a great father who who really nurtured me and and poured life into me like fathers are supposed to do and so I guess I grew up spoiled not realizing you know but every child should grow up spoiled if that's the case I grew up spoiled in comparison to most of those in my world at least who did not have fathers who were present they were present they were not supportive they were not loving a kind and they may have been they may have been financially supportive but one thing I've learned as I grew older and as I began to have more adult conversations with my father my father was a man that that grew up without his father or his mother yeah my father who was a great father himself grew up without father or mother and yet he became such a tremendous father to me and my brother and so you know as we as I got older and we began to have adult conversations he began to explain sometimes directly and even indirectly some of his pain that he suffered as a consequence of not really having a relay or not having a relationship with his father no semblance of a relationship with his father and so the question came about one day how you know how is it that you became such a great father and yet you didn't have one and his response was to me that I simply gave you guys what I always wish I had and so I'm bringing my father who's now deceased and in heaven today I'm bringing his history into this discussion because it says to to anyone who's dealing with the father wound you can you can transcend that and my father came to you know become a man that really in some sense wrote history rewrote history in so many ways here in the city of New Orleans a man without a father mother because he you know he was conceived in a fashion that was not socially acceptable and so my grandmother had to leave him with his with her parents his grandparents and so he grew up without father or mother but yet this guy who didn't have father or mother so he had a father wound and a mother wound they pulled him out of school in Mississippi at that time I think in the sixth grade so that he could go to work to help provide for the the needs of the family the financial needs of the family so he he lacked education he had to continue his education as an adult but yet this guy without father or mother grew into such a man that is revered around the world in the city of New Orleans it was not it was not three years after his death they renamed one of the major streets in the city of New Orleans after him in fact about it if you ever visit our church in New Orleans our main campus it's on Robert see Blake senior drive named after my my late father so I'm saying that to say it does not matter it does not matter that you have not had or do not have a father present in your life you can transcend that and you can you can transcend it and you may rise to any height you desire to have to rise to it all dependence is if your consciousness is at a place where you make up your mind that it doesn't matter what I've been dealt or not dealt going to get to a place that is called destiny for my life for my life now tonight I want to look at let you to the father wound and I guess there's one two three four four issues I want to look at relative to what daddy issues some might call daddy issues and number one is well let me read let me read what Justin hunt says Justin hunt says the father wound is so deep and so all pervasive in so many parts of the world that it's healing could well be the most radical social reform conceivable if we can bring healing to the father wound in the lives of those in society he says that it could be the most radical social reform conceivable quite honestly if we heal the father wound we probably eradicate recidivism in the jailhouse if we heal the father wound we elevate clearly we elevate the self-esteem of a broken generation of young Queens who don't know who they are and a settling for less than they deserve so this subject matter is something that it is the biggest problem it is the biggest problem in most of those that we encounter on a daily basis number one dealing with this father wound and what we called daddy issues when there is when you when you lack the presence of a strong loving affirming father there is a lost sense of security father's provide security father's provide security and when there is when there is a lot when there is a an absence of your father there's a lost sense of security now there's this text that I want to read for you tonight but it's kind of long and I'm wondering if you all are going to tolerate my reading of it my wife is constantly calling which means she's not aware that I'm on here and she's kind of interfering with my signal but let's look at second Samuel 13 I want to show you something because one of King David's King David's one of his downfalls that you discover one of his downfalls of many is that he did not TEKT his 1 at least he at least one of his daughters he failed to provide security for one of his daughters and when a father is absent and I guess King date in this sense represents a father that is physically and financially present emotionally disconnected and he he fails to provide the kind of security for one of his daughters let me read it for you hopefully you all won't leave me second Samuel 13 verses 6 through 23 who listen to what it says this is gonna be a long one so a man laid down and made himself sick this is this is one of David's sons rity this is a very long story so we're taking up ticking it up in the middle of the story and is one of David's sons who has this this perverted desire for one of his sisters and so the Bible says so he lay down made himself sick and when the king was come to see him Amnon said unto the king I pray thee let Tamar my sister come and make me a couple of cakes in my sight that I eat and at her hand then David sent home to Tamar saying go now to that brother Hamlin's house and dress him meto make something from need so tomorrow into her brother Hamlin's house and he was laid down and she took flour and kneaded it and and made cakes in his sight and did bake the cakes and she took a pan and poured them out before him but he refused to eat and Amnon said have out all men from me and they went out every man from him so he told all the men get out of here they went out front and Amnon said unto Thema bring the meat into the chamber that I may eat of thine hand and Tamar took the cakes which she had made and brought them into the chamber of Amnon her brother and when she had brought them unto him to eat he took hold of her and said unto her come lie with me my sister and she answered him no my brother do not force me but no such thing ought to be done in Israel do not bow this father don't rape me come on brother and I wither shall I cause my shame to go if you do this how am I gonna get rid of the shame and as for thee thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel now therefore I pray thee speak unto the king but he will not withhold me from thee howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice but being stronger than she forced her so he raped her and lay with her then and hated her exceedingly he raped her than he hated her exceedingly so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her he really didn't hate her he was hating himself she represented his self hatred and Hamlin said unto her arise begone and she said unto him there is no cause this evil and this evil and sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me but he would not hearken unto her then he called his servant that ministered unto him and said put now this woman out from me and bolt the door after her and she had a garment of divers colours upon her for with such robes were the Kings daughters that were virgins apparel so she was a virgin when he raped her then his servant brought her out and bolted the door after her and Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her garment of divers colours that was on her and laid her hand on her head and went on crying and Absalom this is her other brother her brother said unto her half Amnon thy brother been with thee but hold now that piece my sister he is that brother regard not this thing so Tamar remained desolate in her brother absalons house but when the king or when King David heard of all these things he was very angry in Absalon spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad for Absalon hated Amnon because he had forced his sister Tamar and it came to pass after two full years that Absalom after tewi Absalom had sheep shearers in Bayes bales arm which is beside Ephraim and Absalom invited the king's sons Timon was distress ok invited the king's sons and when you read the full context you discover that Absalom killed his brother because he was angry about what he had done to thier sister but here's the point Timon was distressed for a few reasons number one clearly she was distressed because of what her brother had done to her but a father put her in harm's way through carelessness her father did not avenge her abuse and as a consequence her brother waited two years to avenge his sister so the brother had more paternal instinct than David now if David had properly dealt with his son relative to this transgression his other son probably would not have killed his own brother but David failed to provide security for his own daughter and how many how many how many daughters are left in a position where the world abuses and fathers kind of sit in silence with no response and what it does is it creates a what father wound when a woman when a woman's sense of security has been transgressed by the carelessness of a father she grows up in life without the capacity or at least some limited capacity to trust this is the woman that grows up in life and she does not even know how to trust a good man she does not know how to respond to authentic and genuine love because her heart that part of a heart has been crushed by the absence of her father so there's a lost sense of security and with this woman and even young men you see within their eyes a constant a perpetual sense of anxiety it's like they're constantly stressed out it's like everything's well but they're they're you know they're looking like when is it gonna go bad when is it gonna go bad and they you quite often become pessimistic about good things it's like okay this is cool but how long is it gonna last when that sense of security has been snatched from you that fathers should provide it creates a spirit of dysfunction the second thing is that the father wound creates a lost sense of identity there's a lost sense of identity in other words you don't really know who you are it's like when your father's absent when your father's not present the foundation of your identity has shifted and moved away and so now you spin your you spend your life accomplishing and achieving because quite honestly many people who are struggling with with the father wound are high achievers they're high achievers but many times they're high achievers but they're miserable in their accomplishments and the reason they're miserable in their accomplishments is because they accomplish the things that they do trying to fabricate an identity so because they have not received what should have been theirs I guess innately for lack of another term which should have been their birthright which is a sense of identity from them the man that fathered me acceded mean they they buy into the world's idea of identity being attached to what one does what one accomplishes what one has so they make certain that they do something that is honorable they make certain that they have a whole lot of things that are valuable and they make certain that they attain to some level of status in life that is admirable but at the core they're still empty and they're void of identity because that is something that your father gives you everything that everything that I am my father poured it into me through his words through his example through his affirmations through his endorsement and when when a person male or female does not have that you struggle to know who you really are you struggle to know who you are listen to what the text says in lamentations I know most of us don't read in lamentations but if you look in lamentations chapter 5 verses 1 through 3 he says remember O Lord what has come upon us consider and behold our reproach listen to verse 2 he says our inheritance is turned to strangers our houses to aliens we are orphans and fatherland ation of who we are the foundation of Who I am has shifted because we are a fatherless generation he says we are we are orphans and fatherless when the father's absence the sense of inheritance the sense of belonging the sense of place he says our inheritance is turned to strangers our houses to aliens because of fatherlessness now this is also indirectly I think it's a lesson to all of us males that you know how important it is to actually fulfill the Ministry of the Father it's it's you know it's it's it's it's cool too participate in the procreation of individual but it's another matter all-together to actually step up to the plate and to actually be a father to the children you actually seed takes more than you know sex to be a farm that takes more than even just paying bills to be a father that's you may be a great provider but being a provider and being a father to different things being a father is providing that security and being a father is giving your child or your children a unique sense of identity giving your child and your children or your children a unique sense of identity of who they are fathers fathers prophesy over the lives of their children everything that I'm doing now my father prophesied it my father said you will do this and you will be that and you are this and you cannot do that and you are better than this and you should not sink to that and my life aligned itself with the words of my father fathers have more power than we realize the impact of a father's words are prophetic in the lives of his children well if the mother stops you from your child see that's a whole different that's a whole different lesson all together because as I talked about even in the online program transcending the father womb sometimes children grow up with the idea that daddy wasn't there and daddy didn't care and daddy was a bum and sometimes the reality behind that scenario is that there was a mother who prevented a a father from actually playing his role that's a reality that's a reality so I say to people who have the father wound to really search the history if you have your mother and your father both living sit down and have some adult conversations and begin to discern the history of their relationship because some things in a lot of cases that you feel like your father missed it or not even his own fault it was the consequence of his hands being tied by the forces that might be sometimes that's your mother how many times have I seen grown people discover that their fathers were not participant in their upbringing and had nothing to do with the men once they got mature enough or old enough to have the adult conversation that's a real I'm glad you raised that but there's a lost sense of identity when we don't have our fathers when our fathers are absent and when you've not had a father you're searching for identity and this is why this is why you make six figures and you spend it all there's no reason in the world person should make over $100,000 and not have some money if you're making over $100,000 if even if you're making anything close to it all it takes is just a balancing you know a balanced mindset to be able to live your life comfortably and to be able to put money aside for rainy days for your future but how many people do you know who make a hundred thousand two hundred thousand and every year they broke they have a lot of expensive things but they have no money no resources it's because they are searching for they're trying to buy an identity this is why as a as a queen of a woman you you you lay down and you give your body to a clown of a man it's because you don't really know who you are and so now you're searching for identity through relationships and through sex because you lack you lack identity from within you're searching for it on the outside when it was supposed to be generated from the inside this is the consequence of a father one this is what we are this is what we are perpetuating gentlemen when we fail to father our children and and and III say 75% of being a good father is there's no such thing as a perfect father but 75% of being a good father is being present and attentive being present and attentive being a man that is going to be present and a man that's going to pay attention and listen and respond that's 75% of it right there being present being attentive and responding responsibility having the ability to respond doesn't mean that you're gonna always have the answers but your children should have memories of your being present being attentive and responding as best you could it should never be your children's testimony that you just weren't there or you were there but you weren't paying attention you didn't care that should never be because you're their sense of identity their sense of security is linked to okay number three I only have four when there's a father wound not only is there the lost sense of security and the lost sense of the lost sense of identity but there's also strong need in the life of a woman to be affirmed by a man I find that to be the case more times than not that when a woman has not had a healthy relationship with her father there's a strong need in her to be affirmed by a man that's that's why she makes relationships her priority as she comes into adulthood even even into the teenage years she begins to make a relationship with a man her priority because she is she's suffering from what I called the approval trap because her father who was the first man primary man in her life because her father rejected her or so she thinks he rejected her now in her subconscious mind she feels as though she needs a man to accept her to heal the pain of the father's rejection of her making sense and so now she finds herself in one relationship after another after another she never intended on having all of these relationships is that she was she was striving to attain something that a father should have left with her that was a sense of security and identity as well as the father establishes her self-esteem so since her father left her self-esteem on empty she's striving to fill that self-esteem with another man a man that in most cases has a perverted concept of why she's even present all he can see in her is the sex and because she needs his approval so desperately she even breaks her own moral code many times she goes against our values and our principles she throws the Bible and every other thing she believes to be the right way to be and to live out of the window so that she can do whatever it takes to please this man so that this man can affirm her so that he can affirm her and he is the reality you have you have a generation of predators that understand the psychology behind the father wound and can pick up on they may not even be able to read but they're slick enough to pick up on the fact that her daddy wasn't there she has daddy issues and she needs to be affirmed and they know how to play on that give you just enough to string you out to have you grasping and grasping and grasping and grasping for something that you never really attain to to keep you on a Shh because she has a strong need to be affirmed by man when a man has a father wound he has a strong need to be admired the woman needs to be affirmed the man needs to be admired you know so he'll spend all his money on expensive toys he'll go to the strip club and he'll throw all his money on the stage and woman to tell him oh he's sweet daddy and he did find his thing in hand all of that and he'll go every Friday and throw all his money on the stage because he has a strong need to be admired he has a strong need to be in control he has a strong need to be the man so now you have and this is something I bring out in the course you have you have the conflict between two dysfunctions you have a man that needs to you know be in control and be admired you have a woman that needs to be affirmed she brings her needs she needs to be affirmed he needs to be in control he needs to be admired he needs to be in control because you know I'm the man and the way my father let me down I'm never gonna depend on another man again in my life I need to be in control so now you bring that dysfunctional man to this dysfunctional woman she has a strong need to be affirmed and we'll go to limits that are unbelievable to attain to that he knows how to act and to pretend to give her what she wants and so now you just have you just have a tornado of confusion where one dysfunction feeds the other and now you create this codependent relationship where the two just kind of simultaneously destroy one another he got okay number four and I'm done when there's a father one there is left a deep-seated anger when your father's not been present in your life you may not even realize it there's an anger that begins to rest in your bosom there's an anger and see when we think about anger we think oh that's not always the case sometimes anger that looks like this sometimes anger is seems to be docile but it's it's passive-aggressive it says angry it says vehement as any other you know a boisterous type anger but it's it's undercover and when when you have lack of father and you realize how much you have really been deprived of in life because this guy wasn't there if you're not conscious if you're not aware it can it can transition from the pain of rejection to resentment to bitterness to anger to hate which then begins to what self-destruct you self-destruct you it doesn't matter if your father was there not a why he was there wasn't there at some point you got it you got understand that out of your heart proceed the issues of your life so whatever you allow to be resident in your heart is going to produce fruit in your life if you allow anger and bitterness because your father wasn't there and you you know you're mad with your father and now you have in children whatever you know that stuff is gonna show up in in your seed you certainly can't be an angry mother full of hate and carry children in your womb and don't think that that is going to have not going to have some kind of an impact on them spiritually and emotionally everybody so you know they don't nobody understands the the aggression of the young urban black man nobody gets why I as a young urban black man so angry just look at the history he comes out of the bowels of abuse rejection you know deprivation from slavery to Jim Crow to struggle for civil rights to institutional racism today you know to the you know just the intentional destruction of the family structure pulling his father out of the house locking him up in jails locking the black man up in jails and you know creating social structures that robbed him of opportunities and then you say well why is he so angry well that stuff is in him and it was in his father was in his grandfather was in his mother his mother had to raise him and all of this anger and all of this stuff when there's a father wound there's a deep-seated anger there's a deep-seated anger look what the Bible says in Colossians 3 and 21 father's provoke not your children to anger unless they be discouraged how many children are discouraged because their fathers have provoked them to anger but the thing you have to understand is that your father in his ignorance or as absence may have provoked the anger but you have you have the power to receive it or to reject it you have the power to receive it all to reject it now watch this though and I will never speak as though I understand what you're feeling my wife can relate to it my wife had a tremendous father wound I'll never speak as though I understand what you're feeling you know I get it because I've been around it but I can't tell you understand it because I had a great father but I will say this if you are angry you need to begin the process of moving away from that because anger does nothing positive for you all anger does is it takes a person that impacted your past and anger transports that person into your present and possibly into your future so that they can even create even greater damage that's all anger does so that's why I've made a choice you know that and people people do things and all kind of stuff you'd be amazed at the things that people do to offend and to hurt me any person that is in any position of authority has to go through a lot and so I made a decision a long time ago that I'm just not going to become offended and I'm not going to I'm not gonna hold I'm not gonna be bitter and angry and not gonna be malicious I'm not gonna harbor hatred in my heart for people I'm just gonna release stuff and let stuff go in because it's it works for me I cannot have a cluttered soul and a healthy life I cannot have a cluttered soul and a healthy life and so yeah you may have you may have injured me greatly you may have you may have done something horrific to me you know as my father but now it's my choice to allow that stuff to hamper and to hinder my future or not because one of the marks of a father one is a deep-seated anger and listen to what the Bible says in Hebrews 12 and 15 he says looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God or miss the grace of God lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you and watch this and thereby many be defiled he says if you allow a root of bitterness to live in you it'll spring up at the most inopportune time it will trouble you and it will ultimately defile you so these are just some of my thoughts relative to this subject matter and I saw something about prayer and I am going to pray of course behind the subject like this I'm certainly going to pray because in my in my humble opinion there are some things that we can do on our own by our own power but then there are other things that really require the power of God to come into our lives to help us to process and to help us to transcend or to overcome and the father wound is certainly one of those things soul ties is another that we need the power of God to help us to overcome into override so I'm gonna pray and if you would just give me a second father I thank you for this time I thank you for this message I thank you for putting it on my heart and giving me the passion to to teach it to raise the issue to address the issue and now father I pray for those that are actually dealing with this those that are actually struggling with this and don't know how to process this God some of them are already there they're angry they lack that sense of identity they paranoid they lack that sense of security and God they they they're they don't know what to do with their lives I ask you now by the power of the Holy Spirit to move into the space wherever they are move into the space wherever they are and to give them a sense of rest give them a sense of peace even on this Christmas Eve night give them a sense of peace God with all that they have lacked all that with all that they've been deprived of God I thank you that you are always our provider and when natural fathers are absent God you are always a very present help you are the ultimate father absent absentee father should have been a resource for us but God you are the source and so now father I ask you to breathe upon them and give them joy even in this season eliminate the confusion and give them rest for their souls it is in Jesus's name I pray amen all right listen I just wanted to dress that on this Christmas Eve night the online program transcending the father wound is available at my website RC Blake's comm you can go there and and get it it's five sessions and they're three components to each session hey Christina glad to see you in tonight there are three components to each session there's the part where I'm teaching there's the part where we bring in the the license to counselor Robyn and there's the part where Lisa and I have the conversation about her experiences with the father wounds so there are three components five sections so they're like 15 videos of just content and it's available now at my website RC Blake's calm you'll have lifetime access to it and in fact about it christina is the one that put it together for me in terms of producing it and she put in there where you can download the mp3s so if you want to put it on your phone you can put it on your phone and listen as you go it's it's amazing it's amazing and I love you I thank God for you I want you to have a very very very Merry Christmas I didn't know if anybody would get on tonight on Christmas Eve but thank you all for hanging out with me on Christmas Eve what a joy it is for me I love you I thank God for you if I don't talk to you before the new year I want you to get ready to have a tremendous 2019 I pause for a reason because I wanted to sink in I want you to get ready to have a tremendous 2019 things are going to ship things are going to change and move to the next level you know how I can prophesy that because I know that we are going to do something different in 2019 I can prophesy that 2019 is going to be a greater year for me and for you because we are going to do something different I'm going to coach you all the way through 2019 right here on YouTube I'm going to give you what is necessary to get you a ball for that coach and it gets you to living your dreams this is your time this is your year normal self-pity no more procrastination 2019 is going to be your year I prophesied that over your lives now I love you and there's a the direct link Kristina has put up for us I love you I thank God for in fact about I'll try to put that in the description for those of you that may want to get to it I love you thank God for you pray for me pray for me and I look forward to just a great year 2019 god bless you I'll talk to you real soon

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 46,841

Rating: 4.9436421 out of 5

Keywords: Dating Advice, Relationships, Christian, Narcissist

Id: YbLR30GiCqQ

Length: 43min 5sec (2585 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 24 2018