6 THINGS YOU NEED IN A RELATIONSHIP- You Can Get What You Want And Never What You Need. RC BLAKES

good evening good evening this is RC Blake's and I am excited to be able to talk to you this this evening and hopefully my connection is good and hopefully we don't have any problems if there's a there's a way for you to invite some people to come in please do so I was I'm actually responding to I think it was an email that came from a a dear sister I think she says she's upwards of 45 and she wanted me to share my thoughts on dating beyond what the world or society terms as the optimum age which I don't I don't buy into that I don't buy into there's some optimum age to to date I don't think that there's no such thing as over the hill in fact about it I guess with my grown man's mind the more mature woman gets the more attractive she becomes and that's just that's honest you know that's my honest opinion that's not just that's not hyperbole it's not just words that's my honest opinion and it's shared by most of the grown men that I know now all men that are grown and not grown men but if this is in response to that and in in pondering my response to her I soon realized that my conversation and that's what this will be today just you know my my thoughts no lesson just my thoughts relative to relationships in general because the same thing that applies to a woman that may be 45 and up or 40 and up or whatever applies to really it applies to a woman that's 20 21 22 and I think it boils down to by the time a woman or even a man this conversation actually applies to both genders as well the rules are the same but in in in answering your question if you're watching or will watch by the time a woman gets to a certain age the expectation is that she knows who she is and one of the indications of when I say she knows who she is she knows she has her identity in place she she is in control of her own self-esteem she does not need she does not need anything or anyone from the outside to establish her self-esteem she searches for relationships that might feed it but she is the generator of her own self-esteem she knows her purpose she knows not only what she wants but she knows now what she needs so really and truly a woman or a person of you know 40-plus years or more is a person that is actually it should be better equipped to actually date or to begin to formulate you know healthy relationships it's when we're younger either in years or sometimes just in in in mindset because there are people my age 50-plus years old who are still young in their mindset when you are immature when you when there's an Arrested Development in terms of this as it pertains to dating or developing relationships what happens is you begin to search for or develop relationships along the lines of what you want and there's a distinct difference between a relationship that is developed based on what I think I want versus a relationship based on what I think or what I know I need if a person has not evolved has not grown beyond pursuing things that are wanted and you've not matured to a place where you're now in pursuit of things that are needed especially in terms of something as significant as a relationship you're really not at a place where you should even entertain the idea of a relationship because you have some internal work to do because what I've learned is you can get what you want in relationships you can you can pursue what you want and that's what most people do and this is why we have one field relationship after another this is why people say I can't seem to find anybody it's because you're in pursuit of what you want and the reality is that what you want quite often is not what you need relationships are kind of like diet plan very few of us very few of us on the planet well especially in the United States of America go to a restaurant and we choose what we need over what we want most of us are going to pick the stuff out on the menu that we want and the stuff that we want is the very stuff that cuts decades off of our lifespan it's the stuff that puts us in hospitals it's the stuff that ruins our health and gives us a poor quality of life if we even blessed to see old age it's because we lived a life in pursuit of what we wanted in terms of our diet whereas there the minority of us are people who understand that eating is about more than what fact it's not about one at all it's about us ding creme brulée you know behind a 16 ounce ribeye a person that is more conscious than I that's more mature in his or her thinking relative to the diet is drinking water and having fruit behind his or her salad and then 50 years from now when I'm off of the planet and they're still kicking everybody will say well he's here she was lucky not necessarily there were wise and they lived a life that was based on need rather than want now you clearly see this wisdom in terms of the diet but now you can take that same model and apply it to your relationships most people are choosing relationships like we choose like we pick from menus we choose what we want even though it's killing us it's what pleases us it's what satisfies our youthful lust and it is destroying us all at the same time but then there are certain of us that grow up and we become wise and then we begin to choose relationships not based on what we want but based on what we need because what I've discovered is you can get what you want and by the time you grow up and mature and you're thinking what you want you don't want anymore because now you've matured to a place where you realize that what you wanted is net was never what you needed and now you're in a position in life where you don't have the luxury of wasting years frivolously with things wanted you need what you need and so I would say you know let's let's start there you have to ask yourself no matter what your age you know from what what side of the menu are you choosing relative to your relationships let's start there and I'm going to talk about things that we need in relationships because most of your relationships are failing because you keep pursuing what you want and most of you have never even about what you need the Bible I was listening to Joel Osteen actually on Sirius radio the other day and Joel Osteen brought on something very powerful I think the the first reference to Sampson I think his first words or in reference to he saw her or something like that it was in reference to him seeing I think Delilah and it please he said it please with me he was a man driven by his visuals and the very thing that he was in pursuit of that he saw that he wanted was the very thing that destroyed him and this is the case with most of us relative to relationships we are either choosing relationships based on once or we grow up we learn from the pain how many times are you going to have to experience the pain and the shame of having made the same relational choice over and over and over again pain the purpose of pain is to teach the less we know that the lesson has been learned when the behavior has changed if you are 45 years old 50 years old and you're still making the same choice as you meet when you were 25 and you keep experiencing the same cycles of pain and you never change it means that you're not learning you keep going through pain that never teaches you anything the Bible says that we should not be unequally yoked together meaning that watch this there are some people that you may be tempted to connect to there are some people that are not good fits for your life but you can still connect to them and they will bring nothing but pain and hurt and possibly even catastrophe into your life that's a possibility we have to all understand that it's possible for you to connect the people continuously that do nothing but hurt you the same Bible says that there's a way that seems right unto a man unto a person but the end thereof are the ways of death the thing that you thought was ideal actually rushes into your life devastation and death these you know this biblical wisdom is so applicable or applicable depending on what Saturday track you from two relationships how many times have we gotten into relationships that we thought were ideal and that thing destroyed us it broke us almost to the point that you never thought you would recover it is because we were in pursuit of relationships based on want and not based on need and for some of you this is your first time hearing this I know you think he's cute I know you think she's cute and I know you want a man with a physique like that you want a woman with a build like that that's what you want but when you get through sizing up what you want you have to ask yourself now is this what I need and you have to ask yourself questions like you know this person is great for my present moment but can this person fit into my future or is this person too small to go into my future can I find a place in this individual you know you have to begin to ask yourself what do you need all right now let me get in because I have talked a whole lot the problem with the problem with pursuing relationships based on warrants is that when we are driven by our wants our wants have a tendency to drive us away from our values our walks have a tendency to shut down our common sense and our wants have a tendency to shut down our spiritual discernment' I was at a restaurant with my brother and I'm guilty I'm guilty I don't teach this stuff because I'm perfect you know most of the stuff I teach it comes out of the mistakes that I've made in life I was at a restaurant my brother that brother the other night and that's where I get the creme brulee reference from I wasn't supposed to have that but I wanted it so bad now my doctor says I'm not supposed to have that my better judgment says you're not supposed to eat creme brulee my wife says you're not supposed to have creme brulee my body says you're not supposed to have creme brulee but my wart was so strong that it overrode the counsel of my doctor the desires of my wife the signals of my body the the the wisdom of my brain to force this creme brulee down my throat and then after I had it I was miserable because I was not disciplined I didn't need it but that's what once will do once will drive you away from your values away from your better judgment away from the voice of God and this is where we are finding most of our relational failures there are a lot of you let me sit let me submit to you especially ladies well maybe I shouldn't say that I'll just scratch that from the record there are a lot of you who have had great individuals who would have made great mates great husband's great wives but they were not what you wanted visually and so you pursue what you wanted visually and it wrecks you it destroys you it wasted five six seven years of your life and you got into another one it wasted ten years of your life and you got into another one and now it's wasted five or six years of your life and you're almost figuring this one here's going to go into the tangka as well when there was an individual that you need it the only way you can determine if this is a person you need that you have to first of all know yourself I was talking to young to young women the other day both of them 21 years old and I was saying to them it was saying well we're not married I said well really you're too young to be married I said oh no you know legally you can get married I'll say but realistically developmentally you're too young to get married you shouldn't get married until you know who you are you don't know who you need until you know who you are and this is where a lot of us are having problems now I'm gonna cut all of that short let's get into it number one every relationship every relationship no matter what your age no matter what stage you're in every person needs someone that provides for you a sense of certainty everyone needs somebody that provides for you a sense of certainty now as I go through these you have to also understand that you cannot expect another person or a relationship to produce these things for you unless you are producing it for yourself at the same time so what am I saying you know that you are a development you are you are at a state or a stage of maturity when you are able to produce a sense of certainty for yourself and in the context of a relationship the individual that you merge with has to build on the certainty they the person you're you're going to commit yourself to should make you more confident should producing you a sense of security should build within you a sense of confidence if if you're in a relationship with someone that does not make you certain wow you know my wife and I spend a lot of time apart you know I travel a lot and sometimes when I'm coming home she's going we spend a lot of time apart but we never have issues with you know feeling insecure or we never have issues with thoughts of infidelity my wife doesn't blow my phone up all day every day I don't call my wife all day every day she doesn't have to FaceTime me so I can see what's in them she doesn't I don't have to FaceTime her and all of this kind of stuff it's because Lisa and I provide for one another a sense of certainty there's a steadiness there's a consistency in our relationship and the way we deal with one another that builds certainty she knows who I am I know who she is and how many of you are contemplating relationships with people that you're always wondering about how many of you are contemplating relationships with people that you know keep you frazzled and keep you uneasy keep you wondering keep you guessing there's there's there's nothing certain about this individual and yet you want them because they look good on your arm now one thing you have to understand is that the looks are not going to last but for X amount of years I won't put a number out there because I don't want to create a complex for anyone I don't put a whole lot of value on looks anymore I believe the most beautiful thing in the world is a brain and I also don't buy into the fact that anybody is ugly beauty is in the eye of the beholder everybody is beautiful however God made you everybody is beautiful this is these are lies the world's putting your butt back to my point you got what you wanted but you never got what you needed you you got a good looking woman or a good-looking man that keeps you on edge keeps you wondering if you're being cheated on keeps you wondering if somebody's lying to you they're driving you nuts because you need in a relationship a sense of certainty all of us need that you need a person that removes all of the apprehension that that eliminates all of the suspicions you need that more than thighs and eyes biceps and haircuts you need a person that is so stable and so consistent that you don't have to think twice that you don't that you can let your guard down you can you can you can release all of the tension of jealousy and insecurity because the person you're with creates such a stability in a sense of certainty in him or in her and in the relationship that all of that stuff that that that comes from your your abusive past are you abused fast you can let it go now because you have a real man you have a real woman that is providing that sense of certainty you need certainty you know you know you don't need you don't need you know that's cute oh that's cute you know all of that that's cuteness that's pretty all that's pretty but all let's gonna go south after a while you need somebody that provides for you a sense of certainty or security second thing you need sounds kind of weird but in a relationship if it's gonna if it's gonna work and if it's gonna be lifelong if it's gonna last and if it's gonna be strong not only do you need a sense of not only do you need a person that brings this sense of certainty but secondly you need a person that brings a sense of uncertainty what's the word I'm trying to think of I can't think of the word it's a word that means a pleasant surprise it's on the tip of my tongue but it's it's a pleasant surprise in every relationship you need somebody that breaks from the mundane and does something unexpected you need a man that will bring you flowers and it's not Mother's Day or birthday you need a you need a man that says okay what time are you getting home from work just come on home pack a bag where we going just come on let's roll let's let's roll now of course this need to be somebody you know praise the Lord you know you need a woman that that mixes it up you need you need a woman that surprises you that brings a sense of excitement into the relationship you don't need you don't need somebody that just keeps it status quo not as there's a value in that but then there's a time when you got to just kind of mix that thing up you you need a man that can go from Clark Kent the steady working man to Superman go on the phone booth and just switch it up on you you know Wonder Woman you know you need somebody that can switch it up you need a sense of certainty but then you need in your relationship a sense of uncertainty that I don't know what this person is gonna do but it's always positive it's something always pleasant it's it's they're always shifting it up because why watch this a person can only do this for your providers for you when you are their total focus now watch this there are people that can provide this these needs for you a person that can provide these needs for you but you have to be wise enough to be able to articulate what you need Wow you have to know who you are to know what you need to know who you don't know who you need to be able to articulate to the person you get what you need you need you need certainty you need consistency but now you need a sense of excitement you need somebody that's gonna mix it up every now and then let's mix it up let's do something different let's keep this relationship what intriguing and exciting don't let this relationship get boring there's nothing worse than boring relationship and when you are bored in your relationship you have to be mature enough to articulate your need for more to your particular spouse or your significant other don't just sit there and allow that boredom - you know fester into resentment you know pull them to the side and really communicate with them even if they seem to get a little frustrated with you in the beginning for saying it it's better that you sit and they know it's on your heart and they begin to make some changes hopefully then for you to sit there and just become bored and then the devil begins to talk to your mind and push you in two directions you otherwise would never go if that makes sense so we need we need certainty we need uncertainty you know surprises serendipity is the word I kept fishing till I got it serendipity we need a sense of serendipity which is a peasant surprise we need serendipity in our relationships where things just you know Pleasant things just subject subject to pop out of anywhere gifts come up no special day vacations pop up no special time just thirdly you need a person that that makes you priority you need you need a person that makes you priority many times you're in pursuit of people that you've made them your priority while they've made you an option I'll let that sink in many times you're in pursuit when you're in pursuit of what you want usually you're pursuing people that you've made the priority while they've made you the option you need a person that competes with you on loving them what do I mean by that you don't need to be in a relationship where you know you're living at a hundred and the person you with is loving at 50 you need a person that's competing with you on who gonna love who the most now that's when you have a real relationship that you know is equally yo god-ordained and healthy it's when it's when you know he wakes up trying his best to outdo her in loving him and she wakes up trying to do her best to outlive him and loving her it's it's where you're competing it's where you all have become the priority of the other it's where it's where you are your man's where he's made you his clear priority where you're so much the priority that you know his mama's not even the priority you're the priority in his life you know even the children y'all might have you know we make them the priority as a couple while we raise them but once they get grown you know it's still it's us it come on somebody you need somebody that that that makes you the priority the clear priority you don't need a man that you're competing with his friends or his clubs or his families or his family or whatever you don't need a woman that you're competing with her her girlfriends or this or that or out of that you need you need somebody you need somebody that makes you the priority that's the only way you're gonna be happy so you can settle you can let what you want and what you see with your eyes talk you into settling but but that's not going that's not a sustainable model if you don't have somebody that that has made you the priority at some point you're gonna get frustrated because once you get once familiarity sets in and you get used to this person just settling for being second or third on this person's list of priority priorities is not gonna cut it so you need somebody that brings a sense of certainty somebody that brings a sense of excitement or or surprise uncertainty even you need somebody that brings that makes you the priority number four you need somebody not only that you're connected to now you got to hear this you need somebody that you're not only connected to but somebody that you sincerely and genuinely love because there are a lot of you who are connecting to people that you don't really love I mean you may love them in the sense that you don't want anything bad to happen to them you wish the best for them you think that they're great person or what-have-you but I mean a person that you're passionate about a person that does it for you now now once you begin to once you mature you got to hear this now once you mature in your thinking and you graduate from choosing relationships based on wants and you begin to think about needs your your list of priorities your checklist shifts from things that are external to things that are internal so once you grow up and you become a grown man or grown woman you you probably really find this deep love relationship with somebody that might not have in the past fits your your former standard which was purely external surface now you're searching for things of the heart you're trying to find out who this person is you're connecting to internals now but you don't want to be in a relationship where you don't feel that connection or you don't feel that deep sense of love and you're just joining yourself to somebody just to say I'm connected just say I'm married just say I have somebody and you'll be amazed at how many people are doing that and the reason we do that the reason we take on relations just to say I have somebody is because we are struggling in terms of our self-identity we're struggling in terms of our individuality because once you're firmly an individual and once you really know who you are you can act you actually know how to be at peace and happy with yourself you don't so relationships are having a relationship itself is not a need not not to make me happy not to make me feel complete I don't need a relationship to be complete or to be happy I desire a relationship and so since I desire a relationship I know what kind I need but it's not the relationship I need I just know what kind I need because I desire one because I know as an individual I know how to be happy all by myself because I have purpose to have a reason for existing and so I don't want to just be connected to somebody that I don't really love you need to be connected and you also need to be loved and you need to love you don't need to be connected to somebody let's switch to this reverse the script you don't need to be connected to somebody that's that you loving and they don't love you back they videos with you for the doors you open the money you bring all the money you make or whatever whatever whatever you need a relationship that provides connection and love I don't know if this is making sense number five you need a relationship that you can grow in you need somebody that you can grow with oh my god there's nothing worse than being in growth mode and being anchored to somebody that stuck where you used to be there's nothing worse than being in growth mode and being anchored to somebody who's stuck where you used to be and watch this it doesn't matter how much you talk to them and share with them until you tell them what you need in the growth Department they don't even have the capacity to grow with you but you anchored yourself you know what gives me what but what it what becomes a great image of this is is like you know they're trees in my neighborhood when I first got into when we first moved to this particular neighborhood there were oak trees that they freshly planted and they put these little metal cups around these trees to stabilize them so they wouldn't lean well somebody failed to take on some of the trees somebody failed to take the cuffs off and so now the tree has grown beyond the circumference I suppose the word would be of the of the cuff and and the cuff is is cutting into the body of the tree and the tree is spilling over and I was like wow if this tree has feelings that has to be extremely painful well that's what it's like to shackle yourself to someone who doesn't have growth potential the only way you can know if a person can grow with you is that you have to know where you're going I've been on your 35 minutes this is too long you have to know where you're going and you have to be able to articulate it to the other person and then have the discipline to sit sit and listen to see if they can if they have the capacity to comprehend what you said and then even if they have the capacity to comprehend what you said now you need them to articulate what's their future vision where are they going okay for instance Lisa and I have where fifties now and do you not know that Lisa and I even at this stage we are a tick you lating vision for the next 20 years where are we going to be it in our 70s what are we gonna do in the next two decades what are we gonna do in the next decade we were just having a conversation like this yesterday we are articulating vision and as I articulate my vision it's never situation where my wife is like scratching her head puzzled what that mean what that mean no no I chose a woman that I knew I could grow with now we're in a season where watch this where it's not so much it's not all about me now it's not all about her helping me do what I do now I'm kind of shifting the thing our conversations are about what do you want to do you've had my children you've raised my children you've just done great by our family so now what are your goals what are you gonna do what how can I help you do your thing we're growing together in both directions because we have a what healthy relationship and our relationship was not based on wants our relationship when we came together was based on needs we knew what we needed so you need a person that you can grow with now there are lot of you that are watching me right now if you were to be honest so y'all sharing this I'm it's kind of late for me to say that this far gone there are a lot of you that are in relationships right now you already know this person can't grow with you you try to explain to this person where you are present in what you're doing and they sitting there popping gum puzzled they don't have a clue what you talk about they don't they can't even comprehend where you are you know they can't comprehend where you're going and when you shackle yourself to a person that cannot go where you're going what happens more times than not is that they hinder your potential you never arrive to a place the fullness of your destiny because you're shackled to some they just won't let you grow that much because now you feel responsible to stay with this person that you should have never connected yourself to they were cute and fine yeah back then but not even that normal they can't grow with you and now you're frustrated now you're in the pastor's office and the therapists office you're complaining with your friends but this is what you chose and see those of you those of you that are 40 45 50 55 60 you know it's a you know you can be tempted to think well it doesn't matter at this point that's a lot of chicken until they get past 40 years old that's a lie you should actually yeah I'm trying to remember the author who said that imperfect is it's then that you've made made all of the mistakes you've made all of the blunders and now the wisdom comes together and you're able to actually facilitate life in a way that optimizes your potential this is why you have people like Colonel Sanders who started making money off of that chicken in his 60s you can't you can't conclude that because I'm 45 50 60 years old that I just need somebody because I don't have no there's no more vision in front of me you should have more vision then that all right let me shut it down number six you need a person that shares you need a person that shares you don't you don't need you do not need a person that is a consumer of everything you bring to the table you don't need somebody that's just pulling up to the table with a big appetite you need somebody that has a contribution and not only do they have a contribution they have a contribution that they are willing to share if there's no sharing in a relationship you don't have a relationship because loving is giving loving is sharing and so you know I know you know what you want but have you taken the time to think about what you need and so I just wanted to come on I had these thoughts and I wanted to just come on and share this with you just the conversation just something for you to think about now let me say this I'd love for you this is your kind of thing this is like long Wow but only 40 minutes all right this is your kind of thing I'd love for you to subscribe to my channel hit the little bells so you know when I'm on live you subscribe and then you have to you know go and hit the little bell the alert thing don't don't assume that it's gonna all happen at one time subscribe then hit the bell to get the alert and share this give me your comments if you like what I'm talking about do that if you don't do that I'm cool with that I'm cool with that too and what else what else don't forget to go to my website are recei Blake's comm roc Blake's comm and subscribe to my mailing list I'm getting ready to start doing more in terms of my mailing list so if you'd like to be included in some of the things that we're gonna do in terms of you know things I'll be sharing and activities that will be coming up that I'll be sharing with you and go to my website subscribe to my subscribe to my mailing list and I think I think that's it and just know that somebody's praying for you know that somebody's has you in mind and and somebody has positive thoughts going up for you let me pray for you before I let you go father thank you for this discussion that we've had today and god I ask you now to touch the hearts of every person every individual that is struggling with this thing relative to relationships I come against every every idea thought that makes them believe that they're less than that somehow they're they're devalued because maybe they're in transition relative to relationships or maybe they're in a failed relationship god I thank you for making them know who they are and letting them letting them have a clear view of their value in a sense of purpose in you and God we will give you the praise glory and honor for these things in Jesus's name god bless you I love you I'm ROC blake's until next time I'll talk to you soon

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 121,497

Rating: 4.939908 out of 5

Keywords: RC BLAKES, RELATIONSHIP GOALS

Id: fcfKuvkbeEQ

Length: 42min 28sec (2548 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 25 2018