Try Not To Laugh | 420 Jokes | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

weeds getting a bad rap I don't mean up like a blunt wrap them you know I mean people talk you know people shop [ __ ] about it you know you know marijuana affects the memory that's [ __ ] I never forget the smoke so weed makes you stupid it doesn't make you stupid it makes you smarter all right mr. smokin weed since high school I grew up in the San Gabriel Valley in LA we had what's called off-campus lunch I don't know if you remember that that's where you can golf campus smoke weed eat and then you had to come back for some reason so one time I came back lit and we had intermediate Matt I had intermediate math after lunch right and one time came back lit and we had to take a test in fractions a little pop quiz and one of the questions on the test was what's the difference between a quarter and the eighth I wrote 50 bucks pretty much everybody smokes pot what do you think about I just found out my 15 year old cousin smokes pot what the [ __ ] 1500 wants to beat an adult before even grows up I wanted to help curb to have it discourage him from really turning it into something bad so I told him I smoked a little didn't expect the reaction his eyes got so big like so excited he was like dude Adam dude you smoke weed dude how have we not smoked together yet I was like dude how do we not smoke together yet five years ago you were 10 what the [ __ ] time you just start using deodorant man take it easy plus I have this rule I can't smoke pot with anybody who didn't grow up watching duck tales that's just one of my rules about smoke yeah that's a good rule duck tails the pun is it's how you find it yeah today I just renewed my weed card ah thank you my second card my first card I got three days into being in Los Angeles I didn't have an apartment yet my first purchase was a weed cookie I got inedible it was the coolest thing I've ever gotten at that point in my life because I'd never seen branding on drugs it had a logo aunt Mabel's weed cookie I trust this she's family underneath a set per dose eat 1/3 of a cookie who eats 1/3 of a cookie I eat all the thirds of a cookie you're not gonna have meat 1/3 of a cookie now I'm high and I'm hungry I'm staring 2/3 of a cookie that's not happiness that's Hunger Games and I ate the whole cookie woke up two days later about a mile and a half of my house feeling refreshed we'll get out of this ditch and get on with my day my friend smoke weed all time my boys like guys I hang out with they stay up heavy means focus heavy and they all have girlfriends and wives not girlfriends get gorfeins and/or wives that won't let them smoke at home so now my house has become the designated weed smoking house yeah they just called me up out of nowhere like a man what you're doing call me up for no reason what you doing like I'm here watching the game got a panel coming over then I get high and get into these deep philosophical weed discussions I love your friends today like that's when they want to have like a Wolf Blitzer CNN discussion when they high but it's always bull comes out of nowhere like if you was invisible which ex-girlfriends house would you rob my butt other boys over hey thinking about to it oh that's deep that's deep see it don't work like that it don't work like that cuz technically you were visible right but you steal it's not now TV just floating down the street oh my mama actually she actually came out here and visited me once and she kind of got into my medicinal marijuana my bad cuz I've got glaucoma and can't see any of you but she came out here and visited me I took a shower I thought I hit everything but the southern woman is like a [ __ ] honey badger they will dig through anything good you suck she's looking through it I got out of the shower I looked really good she's just sitting there she's like Justin Douglas smart now what is this the full name right she's like I've raised you better than this mister I cannot believe you brought this in your house I've been through thick and thin with you Jesus has cried for you sir bigoted and I cannot believe you and even goddamn that [ __ ] hits hard what is that is that an indica sativa what is that purple rhino mr. Hayes said substitute teacher what's that called if you gonna do drugs smoke weed seriously right exactly I don't judge what's the worst thing that's gonna happen smoke some weed you're gonna eat a couple of Twinkies and drive really safely white people you have good weed and I commend you because you use discretion you get your weed from somebody called a guy I don't know who this guy is you can ask anyway dude anyway will you get your weed from I get it from this guy I see them on Tuesdays you want me to pick you up something that's all you get ask a brother your dogs will you get your weed from from my cousin here at the Holiday Inn right down the street won't you call them from your cellphone so you could lock the number in it then they wonder why they get caught it's two o'clock in the morning and your car is orange that's why you got caught you need a guy when you get you weed from white people they let you try it before you buy it you can't get that from black people you have to smoke them out with the [ __ ] you just got from them in business that's called reneging I had to go back and learn fractions just about we from white people I didn't know nothing about eighths of quarters or nothing like that nobody told me that if the bottom number was bigger you get less I have to rush down to Home Depot to get one of them rulers with the lines on it the guy was like what you using it for like combine I ate from away that what's your honors day is that the little short line next to the corner another want to get ripped off I want the right length I'm on the phone telling my friends don't worry about it I got to 164 it's coming we'll just put one in the freezer this little ass this to Christmas I have a prescription for medical marijuana and here in Los Angeles you don't even need a real reason to get it the doctors like why do you need a prescription for medical marijuana it's like uh because my neighbor moved to Burbank I don't know where else to get any pot from because everybody smokes I hate when I go to the store hi but the guy behind the counter is higher than I am so you try to buy something and he's like 275 please how much what if I tried to give it to smoke some Afghani weed I don't want to smoke an Afghani weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death I'm just trying to get to Hollywood here's the deal I went into the weed store and I hadn't anybody had the edibles whoo okay so for those of you don't know the edibles kind of [ __ ] you up I did not know that so I went in now listen something you need to know about me is like I [ __ ] love blueberry muffins so I walk into the weed store and I'm like are those blueberry muffins I think I was like yeah and I said does that have weed in it and he said yeah and I was like I'll have a blueberry muffin so my weed store has like a little area where you can smoke and watch DVDs and [ __ ] and I just put in Chapelle season one [ __ ] great and I'm literally licking my fingers when the guy runs it you didn't eat that whole muffin did you huh tell me you didn't eat that whole muffin right now all at once did you and I was like yeah and he goes alright listen and I'm not [ __ ] around right now either give me the keys to your car or drive home right now and I see I said what and he goes I'm telling you leave here right now or prepare to be here for eight hours like are you kidding me he goes you ate that old muffin man he goes I own this place he was right I was high for eight hours that's one of those highs where you're like I have kids man I had to pull one of these I walked into the house I was like daddy's sick don't come in the room click I'm gonna peek my head I was like don't no matter what you hear from this room do not come in here it was bad it's simply an hour later I was like except I could use some orange juice it's fun of you smoke pop there's one type of stoner I hate being around and that's the person when they do get high they think it makes them smarter somehow do you know one of these [ __ ] and I realized there's certain things I can't do with that friend while he's stoned anymore like I can't watch movies with him anymore here's what happened a few weeks ago we were watching a movie he's smoking a joint I'm completely sober we're watching Return of the Jedi I don't want to ruin the movie for you guys but at one point and Return of the Jedi a spaceship explodes and my bunny leans over and because you know that would never actually happen in real life bro you've never seen a fireball in space because fire needs oxygen to survive and there's zero oxygen in space that [ __ ] would never happen I was like you know what you're right and while we're at it I don't think those are really walks either sure those are just dwarves dressed up as bears white people have cool magical names for their ways now think about it like chronic cuz purple arrow juicy fruit trainwreck Northern Lights green crack purple horseshoes Obama yeah there's an Obama strain out there yes we cannabis [Music]

Channel: Laugh Factory

Views: 10,835,452

Rating: 4.8359303 out of 5

Keywords: laugh factory, best stand up comedy, stand up comedy, funny, Laugh, stand up, standup, Los Angeles, Hollywood, comic, comedian, hilarious, la, los angeles comedy, la comedy, 420, marijuana, 4/20, pot, weed, smoking, smoking weed, compilation, try not to laugh

Id: saDnAkBU6Qs

Length: 12min 36sec (756 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 20 2018