YOU READY FOR THE MAHARISHI OF MARIJUANA? THE POPE OF DOPE! LET'S STAND UP AND GIVE HIM A WARM WELCOME,
MR. TOMMY CHONG! THANK YOU. WE LOVE YOU, TOMMY! SAN BERNARDINO, YEAH. SAN BERDOO. WHEN I HEARD I WAS GONNA BE IN SAN BERDOO, I SAID, "WELL, I'D BETTER GET MY HEAD TOGETHER FOR THIS SHOW." THEN THEY TOLD ME THAT WE GO ON LAST, SO I MISTIMED MY DOPE BY, UH, A COUPLE HOURS. WHOO! THOSE BROWNIES, MAN. YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU EAT BROWNIES, YOU KNOW. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GOT THAT POT LEAF STICKER ON 'EM, YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE IT SHOWS YOU IT'S BEEN MADE BY A STONER. AND STONERS FORGET THINGS, YOU KNOW? THEY'LL BE MAKING IT, MIXING IT UP DID I PUT POT IN? I BETTER PUT MORE IN THERE. DID I PUT POT IN? OH, I BETTER PUT MORE IN. AND ONE LITTLE CORNER WILL GET YOU HIGH FOR A WEEK. AND SO YOU TAKE THAT ONE LITTLE CORNER, AND WHAT HAPPENS? OH, NOW YOU'RE STONED AND YOU'RE HOLDING A BROWNIE. NOW, YOUR YOUR BRAIN TELLS YOU, "NO, NO, NO!" YEAH, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM. I GOT SO STONED ONE TIME ON BROWNIES, MAN, I WENT SHOPPING WITH MY WIFE AND I ENJOYED IT. THAT'S FD' UP, MAN. AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO A SHOW IN JAIL, AND JUST BEFORE THE CHRISTMAS SHOW JUST BEFORE I'M TO GO ON I REALIZED, I'M IN FN' JAIL. WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE? WHY AM I ENTERTAINING THESE BA IF I SAY ONE THING WRONG, THEY'LL THROW ME IN THE HOLE. YEAH, YEAH. MM. AND I'M NOT GETTING PAID. YEAH. SO, FK IT. SO I WOULDN'T DO ANY COMEDY IN JAIL. THE ONLY COMEDY I DID IN JAIL WAS WHEN THEY WERE PLAYING BASEBALL, I'D HECKLE EVERYBODY. AND I HAD SEASONED CONS COME UP TO ME, "UH, DON'T CALL PEOPLE PUSSIES, OKAY?" NOT HERE, YOU KNOW? THAT'S CROSSING A LINE. HEY, HIT IT, YOU PUSSY! ANYBODY WANTING TO KNOW WHAT JAIL IS LIKE, IT'S LIKE FLYING DELTA. SAME THING, YOU KNOW? YOU GO TO THE SECURITY, AND THEY YOU GOTTA SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS AND AND THEY SEARCH YOU FOR ALL SORTS OF SHIT. BUT THE WEIRDEST THING WITH ME, THEY PUT ME IN JAIL, THEN THEY MADE ME TAKE A DRUG EDUCATION COURSE. OH, OKAY, I'LL SIGN UP FOR THAT. I ENDED UP TEACHING IT. OH, THEY THEY HAD IT ALL SCREWED UP, MAN. THEY WERE SAYING THINGS LIKE, "MARIJUANA IS A DANGEROUS DRUG," AND I HAD TO TELL THEM, I SAID, "NOPE, MARIJUANA IS THE FRIENDLIEST DRUG YOU'LL EVER COME ACROSS." IT IS. IT'S THE ONLY DRUG I KNOW WHERE YOU TAKE A HIT, YOUR FIRST IMPULSE IS TO GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY. THAT'S FRIENDLY. I'LL TELL YOU, A DANGEROUS DRUG IS COCAINE. COCAINE IS A DANGEROUS DRUG BECAUSE IT MAKES THE USER THINK HE KNOWS WHAT THE FK HE'S DOING. AND THAT CAN BE DANGEROUS, YOU KNOW? AND IT MAKES YOU PARANOID TOO, YOU KNOW, FOR NO REASON. LIKE, CHARLIE SHEEN IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF IT. CHARLIE YOU'LL SEE CHARLIE, "I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING. OH, YEAH, THEY'RE I'M ON TO THEIR TRIP, BOY. YEAH, THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME TAKE $1/4 MILLION A WEEK. YEAH. WELL, I'LL FIX THAT. YEAH, $1/4 MILLION, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH COKE YOU CAN BUY WITH $1/4 MILLION? THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!" BUT COCAINE IS A REALLY INSIDIOUS DRUG TOO, BECAUSE THE THE USERS, YOU KNOW? WHERE POT, YOU SHARE. COCAINE, IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW. IF YOU SEE YOUR BUDDY, IT'S LIKE... AND THEN YOU COME OUT AFTER YOUR LITTLE COKE PARTY, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT CHIT ALL OVER YOUR MUSTACHE AND YOUR NOSE, YOU KNOW? THEN YOU FREAK 'EM OUT AND SAY, HEY, MAN. OH! AND THEN THE USER THINK SHE KNOWS HE'S LIKE SOME KIND OF DON JUAN ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU KNOW? BE LEANING OVER CHICKS, TALKING CHIT, YOU KNOW, LEANING, TALKING. AND THEY ALWAYS GOT THAT ONE RAP. WE GOTTA DO IT. WE GOTTA DO IT. MAN, WE GOTTA DO IT, MAN. WE GOTTA DO IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES IT. 'CAUSE IF WE DON'T DO IT, SOMEONE ELSE IS GONNA DO IT, THEN WE WON'T BE ABLE TO DO IT. SO WE GOTTA DO IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? AND THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT EVERY TIME THEY BREATHE OUT, THERE'S A BIG COKE BOOGER THAT COMES DOWN. MMM, MMM. NOW, THEY COULD BE TALKING TO A COKED CHICK. SHE'LL WATCH IT FOR A WHILE, AND THEN SHE'LL GO.... DINK. SO THE MESSAGE HERE, KIDS, IS "COKE, NO. POT, YES." THE ONLY THE ONLY PROBLEM YOU HAVE WITH POT, OF COURSE, IS DRIVING. AND IT'S NOT, YOU'RE DANGEROUS, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE NO ONE, I DON'T THINK, HAS EVER BEEN, UH, YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER HEARD OF POT ACCIDENTS, YOU KNOW? BECAUSE POT DRIVERS ARE WAY TOO CAREFUL. WAY TOO THEY KNOW THEY GOTTA DRIVE, SO WHEN THEY GET IN THE CAR, THEY'RE NOT REALLY IN A CAR, THEY'RE JUST EXAMINING THINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME. AND THINGS THEY NOTICE THINGS LIKE THERE'S NO STEERING WHEEL. OH, I'M IN THE BACK SEAT. OH, OKAY. AND THEN WHEN THEY START UP THE CAR WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THEY SIT THERE FOR A LONG TIME, THINKING IT'S JUST GONNA DRIVE BY ITSELF, YOU KNOW? THEN YOU GO, OH, KEY, RIGHT. THEN YOU GOT GET YOUR CAR STARTED. NOW WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING, YOU'RE NOT DRIVING, YOU'RE FLYING AN AIRPLANE. WELL, FIRST OF ALL, IT TAKES YOU AN HOUR TO GET OUT OF TRAFFIC BECAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT TIME. THERE COULD BE A GUY FIVE MILES DOWN THE ROAD, BUT YOU'RE GONNA WAIT FOR THAT FELLA. BECAUSE YOU'RE CAREFUL. THEN WHEN YOU DO GET OUT, OH, YOU'RE STAY BETWEEN THE LINES. STAY BETWEEN THE LINES. OH, CHIT, I JUST WENT THROUGH A RED LIGHT. OH. BUT I'M BETWEEN THE LINES, YEAH. AND THEN YOU DO STUPID THINGS, LIKE YOU SIT AT A STOP SIGN AND WAIT FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE. HUH? WE'VE ALL DONE THAT. AND YOU'RE SITTING AND SITTING AND SITTING AND SITTING, AND THEN THE COPS PULL UP ALONGSIDE OF YOU. OH, NOW YOU GET THAT "DON'T LOOK AT THE COPS" STARE. THEN IF YOU'RE REALLY STONED, YOU TRY TO GET UN-STONED. YOU PEEK OH, NOW THEY'RE STARING AT YOU. BUT WE ALL WE'RE BLESSED WITH POT ANGELS. COCAINE, THEY GOT THE DEVILS, BUT WE, THE POTHEADS, WE HAVE OUR ANGELS. I WAS SITTING AT A STOP SIGN ONE TIME AND COPS PULLED UP, AND I'M TRYING TO LOOK AROUND MY NOSE, YOU KNOW, TO SEE IF THEY'RE THERE. AND THEN FOR SOME REASON I NOTICED THAT THERE WASN'T A LIGHT. I'M JUST SITTING THERE. SO I JAMMED ON THE GAS AND HALFWAY THROUGH THE INTERSECTION, I JAMMED ON THE BRAKE THINKING, "WHAT IF I WAS WRONG?" THAT'S WHEN THE POT ANGEL TOOK ME OUT OF THE CAR AND WALKED ME AROUND TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR AND OPENED THE HOOD AND LOOKED AND MADE ME LOOK IN LIKE I HAD CAR TROUBLE. 'CAUSE WHEN COPS SEE YOU HAVE CAR TROUBLE, THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE NO PART OF YOU, BOY. THEY'LL GET OUTTA THERE. BUT I KNOW POT IS REALLY GOOD FOR YOU, BECAUSE MY CAT LOVES TO GET HIGH. AND CATS ARE VERY, VERY FUSSY CREATURES, MAN. YOU KNOW YOU KNOW CATS, THEY'RE LIKE WOMEN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T PLEASE THEM. MY CAT WILL CRY TO GO OUTSIDE AND HE'LL I'LL OPEN THE DOOR AND HE'LL STAND IN THE DOORWAY AND LOOK OUTSIDE LIKE HE'S SHOPPING, YOU KNOW? AND I'LL TELL HIM, "DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT OR IN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" AND HE'LL GIVE ME THAT "FK OFF" LOOK THAT WOMEN GIVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT... BUT I'VE BEEN AROUND ANIMALS ALL MY LIFE, AND I CAN READ THEIR MINDS. OH, YOU WANT OUT, DON'T YOU? THE FIRST TIME I GOT HIM STONED, I DIDN'T MEAN TO, I JUST DIDN'T SEE HIM IN THE ROOM. AND I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS STONED TILL I WATCHED HIM WALK OFF A TABLE. AND HE DIDN'T LAND ON HIS FEET! NO, BOY! HE TOOK THAT ONE EXTRA STEP. STARTED CLAWING SHIT. THEN HE GOT HUNG UP ON ONE NAIL, AND HE'S HANGING THERE, LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I'M OKAY." THEN HE GOT COTTON MOUTH OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE HE HE TRIED TO WALK TOWARD ME, KEPT BACKING UP, YOU KNOW? THEN HE COMES UP TO ME, HE GOES... I THOUGHT I WAS GOING DEAF. FK, ARE YOU MEOWING? THEN I REALIZED, HE'S FD' UP. SO I GIVE HIM A LITTLE KITTY DRUG TEST. YEAH, I THREW HIM AT THE CURTAINS AND HE DIDN'T STICK. HE'S STONED, HE'S THINKING, "FK, I'M FLYING MAN!" NOW WHEN I CALL HIM IN FROM OUTSIDE, I DON'T GO, "KITTY, KITTY, KITTY," MAN. I JUST MAKE A SOUND LIKE A BONG. SLURP, SLUP, SLURP, POP HE HEARS THAT SOUND, HE'LL COME RUNNING 50 MILES AWAY, MAN. LITTLE TAIL IN THE AIR. THEN HE'LL FOLLOW ME AROUND FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT LIKE A LITTLE CAT JUNKIE, YOU KNOW? COME ON, MAN, FIRE IT UP. COME ON, I WANT TO SIT IN THE WINDOW AND LOOK AT SHIT.
