Pence Signs a Book Deal, Gaetz Never Paid for Sex & MyPillow Mike’s $65 Million Problem

hi i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thanks for watching uh that's very nice uh i really i hope you brought your lobster [Applause] we have a wall-to-wall show for you tonight starting with mark wahlberg and ending with the wall flowers and the secret service is in the building too because you know donald trump was always asking where hunter is well he's here in our building he's been here the whole time it turns out son of joe hunter biden is with us to hunters here promoting his new memoir in which he chronicles among other things his crack addiction this book is wild he bought crack right on here on our block can you imagine that crack in this neighborhood of all places that has to be fake news anyway um i have many questions for hunter and since he's here i'll ask them and hey you know who else is writing a book mike pence the former vice poodle is putting pence to paper he signed a two-book deal with simon and schuster i wonder if he knows they're a gay couple simon and shoestrings um a release date has not yet been announced but the title has it's gonna be called ass kisser and i like it it's simple it's to the point pence's publisher calls this the definitive book on one of the most consequential presidencies in american history oh it was consequential all right it was i agree with that the book will cover not just pence's time in the white house but his whole life including traumatic family events like the time he saw mother without her bonnet and he even opens up about the time in college he experimented with almond milk so i can't wait i look forward to this will be the only time pages got whiter afterwards were printed on them speaking of wild and crazy guys there's a new wrinkle in the ongoing drama surrounding florida congressman matt gates federal investigators are reportedly looking into a trip gates took to the bahamas a couple of years ago and whether or not one of his associates paid travel and other expenses for female escorts which be it would be a violation of sex trafficking laws the cbs news report says gates was on the trip with a guy named jason pirazzolo who's a hand surgeon and marijuana entrepreneur by the way if your hand surgeon is also a marijuana entrepreneur probably a good idea to learn to write with your feet but a spokesperson from matt gates's office said and i quote matt gates has never paid for sex imagine having to tell your spokesperson to say that hey spokesperson tell him i never paid for sex you tell them i don't know i don't want to tell them it's your job fine i'll tell them but we also learned today that another friend and close associate of gates seems likely to strike a deal with prosecutors joel greenberg he's seen here with gates and pardon criminal roger stone seems to know a lot about gates's extracurricular activities he is in hot water too and with that said i present fritz scheller attorney-in-law because he can't have a story like this one without a lawyer with crazy hair does matt gates have anything to worry about does matt gates that is such a bright um when it comes to what happened today does he uh have anything to worry about and you're asking me to get into the mind of matt gates right and uh well from your mind from my mind based on what my client knows okay i'm sure matt gates is not feeling very comfortable today yeah i think he gets paid by the hour is what happened now might be a fun time to remind people of this tweet matt gates posted just before michael cohen testified in congress about his former boss donald trump hey michael cohen do you your wife and father-in-law know about your girlfriends maybe tonight would be a good time for that chad i wonder if she'll remain faithful while you're in prison she's about to learn a lot oh karma you old rascal nat your to any underage girls or secularly all right so i'm just going to let you sit down there and so i can look over your head and ignore that question all right well at least he's having fun with this well good luck to matt gates maybe he just loves trump so much he wants to go to jail with him is that possible much of the country is opening uh whether we should be opening or not the state of georgia today lifted all remaining covet restrictions which means georgians will now be free to get the virus anywhere at any time from anyone governor brian kemp said they decided to do away with the restrictions because hard-working georgians cannot endure another year like last and if they get covered they might not have to uh it's always interesting to compare where we are now to where we were 12 months ago and with that said it's time to fire up the time capsule for a peek at what was in the news one year ago this week in tonight's edition of this week in covet history this week in covet history it's april 2020 british prime minister boris johnson is in the hospital the city of angels has the cleanest air and everyone is head over heels for gay polygamous tiger owning felons in other words everything is luckily things are starting to look up we are inching closer and closer to beating this virus it feels like we're seeing the light at the end of this tunnel there is light at the end of the tunnel things are going really well again light at the end of the tunnel what you're hearing about light at the end of the tunnel doesn't take away from the fact that tomorrow the next day it's going to look really bad all right dr boner killer how bad is it going to get the minimum number was 100 000 lives and i think we'll be substantially under that number less than 100 000 deaths no problem if we can stay substantially under the hundred which was the original projection uh i think we all did a very good job yes great work team this has been this week in covet history well you know what they say hindsight is infuriating it's funny to me even though we have all that stuff on tape but with trump saying covet will be over by easter to light at the tunnel predicting less than a hundred thousand deaths there are people who still support him and think he did a great job even to the point where it damages them personally like mike lindell you know that mike lindell america's favorite pillow merchant he claims that after kohl's and bed bath and beyond pulled his my pillows from their shelves his company suffered a loss of 65 million dollars in revenue which is a lot of dollars so i thought it might be interesting to check in with mike who we've never had on the show before and so we we reached out now from a location unknown mike lindell from my pillow my mike are you there mike oh i said you know if that means you're not a cow this is me that i'm not a farmer you try telling that to millions of people out there that are honest mike mike it's it's jimmy kimmel can you hear me mr president no not mr president it's jimmy kimmel who jimmy kimmel i don't care for him oh well okay oh i am him and uh we're on the show and i have some questions for you uh okay mike yeah great that's good okay is it is it true that mike pillow lost 65 million dollars in revenue because of these conspiracy things i tell you that is so true my company my pillow which makes the most beautiful softball rubber sacks stuffed with passion by white people in my home state of minnesota we suffered a 65 million dollar loss because left-wing media outlets have painted a picture of me as some kind of crackpot even though i haven't done crack or pot in a year yeah well is it possible that people think you're crazy because you often say crazy things no that's just you better watch it or i'll get your ip address you hear me you punk yeah okay the only thing crazy i see around here is dominion dominion is building voting machines that only cast ballots for democrats okay instead of what they should be working on which is what which is robots that can tell if you're a gay oh i lost 65 million bucks and i tell you what i'd happily lose 65 million more if that's the cost of telling the american people the truth okay and the truth is joe biden's dogs are covert operatives here to steal state secrets and sell them to chinese barisma holdings to buy these q-tips you know cue yeah yeah these are his tips oh these are his tips but how can we go one week but what was that you were saying about chinese charisma they've got holdings oh why don't you ask your buddy hunter biden about barisma holdings what is barisma holding and why won't anybody hold me my pillows are guaranteed i know i know they're guaranteed but let's not focus on pillows and that's illegal by the way i understand you bring your guys after me for that i dare you okay now i heard you're about to launch your own social media network called frank what can you tell us about that yeah that's right i can tell you everything about that frank will have no content or content restrictions whatsoever this is america and freedom means being free to post anything you want conspiracy theories beheading videos those tick tocks where the girls dance and make faces but they don't move their feet you watch those foods no i can't say that i do holy hell jimmy let me tell you they get me hard i'll tell you oh as hard as my pillows are soft okay well mike i i'm not yeah i don't even need youtube or twitter anymore because i called my nephew judo and i said make me a website that's better than both of them combined and can handle a billion people and then the light went dead because my jitterbug phone is being shadow banned by boost mobile what but you know he's working on it and he said he'll have us up and running and anguing okay now i i did hear i heard you're giving bonuses to people on your new network if they can get kicked off youtube is that true yeah that's true that is true i'm giving out bonuses to anyone kicked off youtube and anyone who gets kicked out of a starbucks for blowing in a stranger's ear okay all right all right so yes have you ever seen those tick tocks where the little girl the girlies they dance and they make faces but they don't move their feet holy hell i tell you it makes me hard yeah very good talking to you mike i appreciate it you haven't spoken to me since 2002. oh i'm so sorry to hear that thank you for joining hey what's with the pigeons in the cage there pigeons are a symbol of quality every my pillow is stuck with a hundred percent new york city pigeon feathers guaranteed okay well that is disgusting thank you thank god all you that's my pillows i'm coming for you next okay that's mike lindell my pillow guy thank you very much hi i'm jimmy kimmel and this is the internet i made it myself hit subscribe if you like it

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,531,274

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets

Id: 1WImFIJ5gxg

Length: 12min 10sec (730 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 08 2021