Rudy Gets Raided, Biden Addresses Congress & Lindell Lands at Kimmel

i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thank you for watching thanks for having me how do i get myself into these well let's thank you this should be an interesting show it's all the way from an undisclosed location to my pillow men mike lindell is here with us tonight somehow a simple pillow salesman from minnesota got to the bottom of the deepest conspiracy in the history of american politics it's so crazy it's almost hard to believe it was today was a very big day for friends of donald trump the feds raided the new york apartment and office of rudy giuliani today the fbi showed up with search warrants at six o'clock this morning they made sure to show up in daylight when rudy was still asleep in his coffin i see the they took the former mayor's electronics devices they were seized i think it's safe to assume none of those electronic devices were toothbrushes but rudy's lawyer very upset he called the raid legal thundery he said why would you do this to anyone let alone someone who's the associate attorney general u.s attorney mayor of new york city and the personal lawyer to the 45th president of the united states who would dare to show up unannounced and take his beloved jitterbug phone it's just not american investigators are reportedly conducting a criminal investigation into giuliani's dealings in ukraine to try to dig up dirt on the bidens on behalf of donald trump and if you think he was sweating grecian formula before you should see him now it's really it's it looks like a chocolate sundae so looks like recount dracula might be getting a ticket to castlevania president biden tonight gave his first address to congress since taking office biden is speaking before congress while the feds are busting down giuliani's doors it's turning into the baptism scene from the godfather the tone of the address was significantly different from a year ago and the sergeant-at-arms had some fun with it ladies and gentlemen i am relieved to announce after four years of bad lunacy a calm reasonable president of the united states hallelujah that's how it got started with a bang president biden tonight laid out the specifics for his american family's plan trump had a family plan too but his was to give jobs to everyone in his family republican tim scott who is the only black republican in the senate delivered the rebuttal i guess they saw how well biden was doing they're like i'm not rebutting that let the black guy do it and this tells you all you need to know about the difference between the two parties tonight joe biden proposed 109 billion dollars to make two-year community college free for students 80 billion dollars for pell grants low-income students 62 billion to boost completion rates at community colleges that serve disadvantaged students at 39 billion to subsidize education at historically black or minority schools donald trump last year did this tonight i have some good news for you i can proudly announce tonight that an opportunity scholarship has become available it's going to you and you will soon be heading to the school of your choice he gave out he gave out one scholarship on tv to one little girl who by the way was already enrolled in a great school and i don't think went to the school he won what a difference a year makes what what a guy you know a majority of americans 53 percent of proof of the job biden has done so far and when it comes to how he's handled kovitt his approval goes up to 66 percent that's a great thing about following someone who is terrible people are like he's not even telling us to drink clorox put his face on money biden's lowest numbers are in the category of foreign affairs trump had a lot of foreign affairs biden hasn't had any uh so far so far i don't know if you're aware of this but today is a special day on twitter did you know this guillermo no jimin today is the day we celebrate ed ball's day this is a new holiday it started in 2011. a member of british parliament accidentally tweeted his name ed balls and a day of celebration was put born back up in the screen because you know we put a lot of we put a lot of work into writing jokes every day all day and then this guy accidentally tweets his name and it's funnier than anything hersey webb balls you know we're very focused on how crazy things are at the top levels of government there's a lot of weird stuff going on at the bottom too this came from not far from here in l.a at a meeting of the orange county board of supervisors where in a question session with the director of county health an elected official named don wagner proved himself to be the second dumbest don in the republican party it's only at the patient's request that's correct does it do is there any intention of tracking folks nope is there any in the vaccine we heard about an injection of a tracking device is is is that being done anywhere in orange county i'm sorry i just have to compose myself but there's not a vaccine with a tracking device embedded in it that i know of exist in the world all right period if the vaccines aren't tracking us then how did instagram know i need a new dishwasher is that a coincidence doctor what a fun new world we live in you know i don't want to waste a ton of time talking because we have an exciting show tonight with justin thoreau tom jones will be with us and as we've been talking about for the last couple of weeks one of america's most prominent conspiracy theorists slash pillow salesman mike lindell will be here with us i can't believe it jimmy kimball how are you jimmy uh fine son of a gun here we are in hollywood uh i wasn't actually introducing you yet i was just saying you're excited to be here you're on the lane yeah it's been a long journey i tell you that jimmy yeah i stowed away in the luggage compartment of a greyhound bus all the way from mexido minnesota on account of being banned from every airline there is well every airliner that's what they do to patriots you're banned from why are you banned from every airline because i refuse to wear a mask i don't want to take off my shoes and security i don't want the deep state tsa getting a hold of my toe prince oh well that makes sense what is what does your shirt say by the way it's your take it's not a shirt it says who farted it says you see it it says who farted you get it who farted yeah yes i get it yeah yeah i totally get it to top that off they just threw me out of the wetzel's pretzels across the street they said my money was no good jimmy kimball because i was paid just because i was paying with pigeon feathers and possum teeth what pigeon feathers and possum things yeah the native americans would have called it wampum jimmy i'm being canceled for the color of my skin that's what they do to patriots in this country so you were such a lead for throwing teeth uh what is in the pillow which i know it's just a hole i stole a whole tray off the gal out front you got a whole train of retros pretzels right here yeah one thing i learned in the great state of minnesota growing up there is if somebody ever says free pretzels that means the pretzels are free and if something ever says i am the dark lord do my fitting you try to drown it in the tub even if your wife is screaming stop mike that's my brother kid [Applause] okay well mike um i do have a lot of questions for you we'll clean that up don't worry about it but you just you have to wait backstage oh my gosh oh i get it fine censor me no no no the deep state starts here at jimmy kimball huh and no no no just like the rest of the lame stream this is why i launched frank because free speech yeah holy snakes and ladders it's a caravan of mexicans well what do you mean that's this oh they get here it's not that's not a caravan that's just one guy no jimmy let me tell you every caravan starts with one jesus said that you gotta build the wall pal lock her up all right lock the wall up and then you gotta build her [Applause] where's the bathroom oh it's right that way we'll be here later we have music from the great tom jones and we'll be right back with justin theroux hi i'm jimmy kimmel an evil wizard has trapped me inside this youtube video click subscribe to help me escape

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,296,521

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, MyPillow, Mike Lindell, Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, NYC Mayor, Joe Biden, Biden speech, Congress, American Families Plan, Approval Rating, Ed Balls, Local Government, Parody, Vaccine, James Adomian

Id: b3VkaA71rsA

Length: 9min 23sec (563 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 28 2021