Trump Trashes the Oscars, Tucker Carlson Cries “Child Abuse” & Biden Loosens Mask Mandates

hi i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thanks for watching it thanks for joining us at our headquarters here in hollywood uh la california where we gotta you know um we got a hollywood got a little shout out from the former president of the united states today apparently he's been thinking about the oscars down there at mar-a-lago and today he committed those thoughts to paper statement by donald j trump 45th president of the united states somebody by the way brought this into my room i was like oh this is going to be good what is it what used to be called the academy awards and is now called the oscars a far less important and elegant name had the lowest television ratings in recorded history even much lower than last year which set another record low if they keep with the current ridiculous formula it will only get worse if that's possible go back 15 years look at the formula they then used change the name back to the academy awards don't be so politically correct and boring and do it right also bring back a great host these television people spend all their time thinking about how to promote the democrat party which is destroying our country and cancel conservatives and republicans that formula certainly hasn't worked very well for the academy and then that's the end then he passed out in his oatmeal but this is what happens when you're banned from social media instead of tweeting like everybody else you have to fax a statement two days after everyone forgot the oscars happened so the academy in an unusual move fired back this afternoon with their own statement they wrote statement by the academy of motion picture arts and sciences what used to be called the president of the united states and now is some guy called don a far less important and elegant name has the lowest approval rating of any president modern history your hair is ridiculous your tan is ridiculous and everything you say is dumb go back 15 years get a new reality show pretend to write another book and go back to bed p.s our show sucked this year because you gave everybody covert well very well said well i don't know donald trump's idea of the perfect oscar show would be three hours of jon voight praising his two-second on-screen performance in home alone too right but he does make some valid points and so we would put our heads together this afternoon to come up with an oscar show that would have been more entertaining for donald trump and these are some nominated movies trump probably would have enjoyed the father who never showed me affection ma rainey's black bottom that i spanked with a forbes magazine promising young woman 130 grand to keep her mouth shut the trial of the chicago seven layer dip and grab her by the octopus teacher it's funny because the thing is donald trump basically is the oscars old bloated completely self-involved and obsessed with gold he's them at the white house today president biden had no thoughts on the oscars but he did give us some new guidelines as far as wearing masks goes starting today if you're fully vaccinated and you're outdoors you need and not in a big crowd you no longer need to wear a mask well that's good news where are we on pants are those still required because and that wasn't all the president also had a message for the millions of americans who have still not been vaccinated for those who haven't gotten their vaccination yet especially if you're younger or think you don't need it this is another great reason to go get vaccinated now now all right you don't have to get weird about it now calm down this mask mandate has been uh it's been particularly tough on people like me who have very kissable lips right guillermo oh yeah you know to hide these so um just to recap the new rule if you're outside uh not in a big group and you're fully vaccinated you don't have to wear a mask if you're outside and not vaccinated go back inside and get vaccinated okay and brush it and brush your teeth too i'd like to bring that back this new loosening of our collective muzzle couldn't have come sooner for tucker carlson on fox news he's very upset america's favorite man karen is so concerned about children being forced to wear masks he's encouraging other like-minded individuals to get the authorities involved as for forcing children to wear mass outside that should be illegal your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different from your response to seeing someone beat a kid in walmart call the police immediately contact child protective services keep calling until someone arrives what you're looking at is abuse it's child abuse and you are morally obligated to attempt to prevent it tucker is of course very sensitive to the needs of children since he is one himself the guy said nothing after sandy hook now he wants you to call the cops there's a kid with cotton on his face if it's your own children being abused then act accordingly let's say your kid's school emailed you to announce that every day after lunch your sixth grader was going to get punched in the face by a teacher how would you respond to that that's precisely how you should respond when they tell you that your kids have to wear masks on the soccer field right right spoken like someone who got punched in the face on the soccer field every day of sith train what kind of an analogy is that i mean who's at home nodding along with that is it possible that tucker carlson is actually a top secret sacha baron cohen character that he's going to reveal to us it's the only explanation we have left at least the my pillow guy was a crackhead i mean tucker has no excuse the pillow man will be here tomorrow night um mike lindell is excited and he's been very busy hyping his appearance on our show in the meantime tune in to jimmy kimball on wednesday night i guess bran my friends and stuff i'm going we're gonna have watch parties we're all getting together like watching this watching this event on tv we are we we we have already invited people over uh melissa's making dips and chips and all kinds of things like we were watching the super bowl all right well i'm glad melissa is making chips i don't know how she does that but the only thing this will have in common with the super bowl is one of the key players appears to have suffered a traumatic brain injury otherwise i don't know what you guys are are you ready for this guillermo i'm ready because you know michael and dallas are people trying to kill him i know but i hope he brings pillows for everybody yeah he is bringing pillows right now oh okay good yeah but that's you're missing the point here i'm not worried about you getting pillows i'm worried about me getting killed pillowed is what i'm worried about don't worry i'm here nothing will happen to you i'd be safer if the pillows were guarding the show in other um in other in a way one is yes a battle i don't know if you heard about this is brewing between billionaires jeff bezos and elon musk they're companies blue origin and spacex were both up for the same multi-million dollar government contract to build a ship that can take astronauts to the moon don't we have that already but anyway so last week nasa awarded the contract to elon musk now jeff bezos is challenging it he followed a protest with the government accountability office accusing nasa of moving the goal posts for bidders at the last minute now musk who owns spacex uh fired back with a tweet that said can't get it up to orbit lol today it's a guy who's hosting saturday night live yeah a feud between jeff bezos and elon musk is how we'll all die right that's how that's what's gonna they're eventually gonna get nuclear weapons and we will be killed i have an idea instead of astronauts let's send jeff bezos and elon musk to the moon that's right first person who can get a jar of peanut butter delivered there gets the contract loser has to stay on the moon forever win or two we had some disappointing news today for thrill seekers and drug takers for the second year in a row the burning man festival and the annual running of the bulls in pamplona spain have been canceled the mayor of pamplona said with covid it's just too dangerous to do something that dangerous so they're not they're going to push the next year it's always interesting to think back on what it is we were doing and thinking in the thick of the virus last year when we didn't know how long it was gonna last when we're hearing all sorts of mixed messages and with that said it's time to look back at the news from one year ago this week in a new edition of this week in covet history this week in covet history as we end april 2020 americans are doing dandy an effort is underway to make hand sanitizers taste worse so that children and adults won't drink it okay maybe not dandy speaking of drinking disinfectant say hello to president trump he's full of pep and the buck stops elsewhere we inherited a very broken test a broken system and a broken test i could tell you that nancy pelosi was dancing in the streets in chinatown even professionals like anthony were saying this is no problem this is late in february this is no problem this is going to blow this is going to blow over it could have been stopped but people chose not to stop it talk about a blame duck president meanwhile the head of the coroner task force visits sick patients in the hospital but why isn't he wearing a mask that's a great question i'm glad that you asked me it was actually after he left mayo clinic that he found out that they had a policy of asking everyone to wear a mat mother knows best so when will things go back to normal i think you'll see by june a lot of the country should be back to normal and the hope is is that but by july uh the country's really rocking again he is ready for white boy summer at least for now covet is the only thing we have to worry about murder hornets murder hornet murder hornets giant murder hornets are here in the u.s oh for sake this has been this week in covet history hi i'm jimmy kimmel and this is the internet i made it myself hit subscribe if you like it

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,155,482

Rating: 4.6477084 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, Hollywood, Oscars, Donald Trump, Statement, Academy Awards, Academy of Motion Picture, Joe Biden, Facemasks, Masks, Vaccine, Tucker Carlson, Fox News, Mike Lindell, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Space X, Blue Origin, Running of the Bulls

Id: wmF-vsAjRGQ

Length: 10min 50sec (650 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 27 2021

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[u/ratshack]

Phucker obviously got an advanced copy of the guidelines.

At some point this wannabe shitler is going to hint that as a result of his powerful mouth, Biden loosened the rules.

He will say something like “Isn’t it curious that the day after I lied my ass off said words, Biden felt the need to respond the very next day?

Also, Tucker Carlson is much fatter in person than he looks on TV.

They have a thinning lense on for that chubby lump of simmering hate.