♪♪ -Let's get to the news. According to a new report, House Minority Leader
Kevin McCarthy has hired
former President Trump's White House political director
Brian Jack to help Republicans win back
the House in 2022, though it's unclear if Jack
can recapture the magic that helped Trump lose
by eight million votes. After Senator Bernie Sanders
criticized him on Twitter last week for his
multibillion-dollar fortune, Tesla founder Elon Musk tweeted, "I am accumulating resources
to help make life multiplanetary & extend the light
of consciousness to the stars," and then, he coughed for like
five minutes straight. [ Laughter ]
New York representative Tom Reed was accused last week
of sexual misconduct. Okay, well,
that's strike one of, apparently, thirty? Britain's Queen Elizabeth
is reportedly set to appoint a diversity czar,
after Duchess Meghan Markle accused the royal family
of racism. Because, when I think, "sensitivity
to the disenfranchised," I think "czar."
[ Laughter ] According to reports, several
young White House staffers have been put on probation
or fired, due to past marijuana use. So, if anyone asks, this is just tobacco. Calms him down,
makes him less likely to bite. Virginia Commonwealth
University's basketball team was pulled out of the
NCAA March Madness tournament over the weekend, after several
positive coronavirus tests. And I don't want to brag, but I totally had that in my bracket. Six Flags announced
that it will reopen its theme parks in California
next month. When asked if it was safe,
they said, "I mean, as safe
as we've ever been." [ Laughter ] A wax museum in Texas recently removed a statue
of former President Trump, after it was repeatedly punched
and scratched by visitors and -- this is weird -- as well as by the other
wax statues. [ Laughs ]
A representative from a sex toy company said,
in a new interview, that the next generation of artificial intelligence
sex robots will have sensors in erogenous
zones that respond to touch. So, introducing... [ Laughter ] Today was World Water Day, so, shout-out to my hose!
[hos] [ Laughter ] Scollins! Ruins World Water Day. And, you know, he thinks
he's very clever, but, uh... I saw how you spelled
the joke. [ Laughter ] And, finally, officials
in Cambridge, Massachusetts, recently approved plans for a cannabis cookie store
in Harvard Square. So, if you go to Harvard
and you love weed, I bet your dad also went
to Harvard? [ Laughter ]
And that was the monologue,
everybody. And I know what you're
thinking -- "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You didn't show that clip
of Biden tripping on the stairs to Air Force One. If Trump had tripped like that, you would've shown that clip
for a month." And you know what? You're right.
[ Laughter ] We would've done that. So, fine, here's the clip
of Biden tripping. I mean, he did run for president like eight times
before he won, so, obviously,
he's going to stick with it, no matter how many times
he trips. [ Laughter ] In the interests
of equal time... -Whoops.
[ Laughter ] -Stand by. [ Laughter ] -Ten thousand known
or suspesked -- -♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪ ♪ YMCA ♪ -You know what?
I think our Trump clips
are a little longer. [ Laughter ] We'll fix that for the repeat. It's interesting.
I feel like they're the opposite
with stairs and COVID. Like with COVID,
Trump took no precautions. Biden took every precaution. But on stairs or ramps,
Trump's super careful... [ Laughter ] ...always holding the railing, going real slow. [ Laughter ] Whereas, Biden throws
caution to the wind, trips upstairs three times. [ Laughter ] So, it's interesting, you know, it just shows we all
contain multitudes. ♪♪ White House advisors are
reportedly set to present a two-part $3 trillion jobs
and infrastructure proposal to President Biden this week,
which seems to me like a huge overreaction
to a couple of broken stairs. Got to love him respecting
the rule of threes. [ Laughter ] While testifying last week before the Senate, Republican Senator Rand Paul
criticized infectious disease expert
Dr. Anthony Fauci for continuing to wear a mask after receiving
the coronavirus vaccine. But that's insane.
We're in a pandemic. Fauci is an epidemiologist. If you're at the zoo and you see
the lion keeper running, you run! According to a new report, since
President Biden took office, CNN has lost 45%
of its prime time audience to its biggest competitor -- a good night's sleep. That's right, news outlets
are seeing a slump in ratings after former President Trump
left office. Yeah, of course,
and the Weather Channel always takes a hit
after hurricane season is over. Nobody ever yells,
"It's sunny and 75! Quick! Turn on the TV!"
[ Laughter ] Russian President Vladimir Putin received the
coronavirus vaccine today. He wanted to do it weeks ago,
but they had to wait for the healthcare worker's hand
to stop shaking. Vice President Kamala Harris
today swore in former Boston Mayor Marty Walsh
as Labor secretary. Walsh's first planned action
as secretary will be to remove the letter "R" from [Boston accent] "labah." [ Laughter ] Former President Trump yesterday
endorsed the primary challenger for Georgia Secretary of State
Brad Raffensperger. And he would love it
if Brad could help find enough votes
for that guy to win. A Pennsylvania couple
is receiving attention online after converting a former school into an almost $2.4 mansion,
which was all well and good until the students returned
from remote learning. "What the hell?! [ Laughter ] The art studio's a bathroom?!" [ Laughter ]
A group of former "Jeopardy!" winners
and contestants recently published an open
letter calling on producers to remove talk show host Dr. Oz
as guest host, which is a shame. If anything, Dr. Oz needs more access
to the correct answers. [ Laughter ]
Congress is reportedly considering a ban
on menthol cigarettes. Well, at least this storming
of Capitol won't be so bad. [ Breathing heavily ]
"Ugh! So many stairs. Let's just --
I think we'll just go home. Let's write a letter?" According to a new study,
eating breakfast before 8:30 am may lower the risk
of developing diabetes, but it doesn't count if you're out drinking
until then. Today was
National Agriculture Day, so, shout-out to my hoes. [ Laughter ]
Scollins, again. Back-to-back days. Turns in the same joke. ♪♪ White House Press Secretary
Jen Psaki said on Monday that President Biden and former
President Barack Obama still talk
on the phone regularly. And it always starts
the same way. [ As Obama ]
Joe, uh... this could've been a text. [ As Biden ]
It's not the same! [ Laughter ]
Senator Ted Cruz criticized Democrats yesterday for their response
to recent gun violence. Apparently, he was upset that,
during a time of serious crisis, Democrats didn't even try
to go on vacation. In her defamation lawsuit
with Dominion Voting Systems, former President Trump's
ex-lawyer Sidney Powell argued that her claims to invalidate
the 2020 election were not based in fact. And I just can't believe
we were lied to by the fake-head lady
from "Total Recall." [ Laughter ] It was announced yesterday
that Regal theaters will begin reopening
early next month and will show the new movie
"Godzilla vs. Kong." And I got to say, I didn't
realize, until just now, how much I missed walking
out of movies. [ Laughter ] A teacher in Britain was
recently suspended for two years after he said his female
students dressed like "prostitutes
and Kardashian clones." And then, another year
for adding, "I meant it as a compliment. [ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ] Tip of my cap." [ Laughter ] What am I doing? I can do a British accent
and I choked on it twice. [ Laughs ]
"Tip of my cap!" [ Laughter ] Legendary director
Steven Spielberg is set to direct a semi-biographical
movie about his life, while legendary director
Woody Allen did a bunch. [ Laughter ] The creators of "Sesame Street" introduced two new
Black Muppets yesterday to help facilitate discussions
of racism and Black identity, which means Kermit
may finally have to admit that it's pretty easy
being green. Champion free diver
Alexey Molchanov broke another world record
last week, after diving approximately
262 feet on a single breath. Even more incredible, this guy
is still holding his breath for the Supreme Court
to overturn the election. [ Laughter ] Got bad news from you
from fake-head lady. [ Laughter ]
Florida recently banned the importation
of non-native reptile species. Said one man, "What if we're already here?" [ Laughter ] Convenience store chain
7-Elevens -- [ Laughing ] 7-Eleven. Convenience -- Guys.
Convenience store -- Stop moving the cards, Wally. [ Laughter ] Convenience store chain 7-Eleven
announced yesterday they will partner
with Laredo Taco to open a drive-through
at a location in Dallas, though it sounds more like
they're partnering with the police
on a DUI roadblock. [ Laughter ] And, finally, today was
National Cheesesteak Day. Celebrate by taking a Whiz. [ Laughter ] Three days in a row
from Scollins. A turkey. [ Laughter ] We got to say -- I mean, again,
I think if you're -- you know, if you're one
of our loyal viewers, Mike Scollins, for three days
in a row, has written a joke about whatever
national day it was. And, now, you have
to tune in tomorrow to see if he can get
four in a row. The rare hambone,
I believe it's called. [ Laughter ] So, hopefully, for Scollins,
tomorrow is National Hacky Joke Day.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪ President Biden held his first
official news conference today and Democrats everywhere
held the edge of their seats. During his first press
conference today, President Biden said, "I got
elected to solve problems." Um, okay.
So, what do you know about boats and canals, then?
[ Laughter ] During his press conference,
President Biden said he supports changing the rules
of the filibuster to require senators
to stand and speak, like it was when he was
in the Senate "120 years ago." Now, obviously, he misspoke. 120 years ago, he was still in college.
[ Laughter ] President Biden's dogs
Major and Champ have returned
to the White House after spending time in Delaware and working with a trainer,
but, I don't know -- something about them
seems a little off. [ Laughter ] Officials have announced
that a nearly 1/4-mile-long container ship
that has been stuck in the Suez Canal, in Egypt,
since Tuesday could take weeks to free. Even worse, it's carrying
that thing you rush-ordered for your wife's birthday. A Spirit Airlines flight
was diverted to Denver yesterday after a passenger
allegedly tried to open an emergency exit door. Luckily, it was a Spirit plane, so the emergency exit
was just painted on. [ Laughter ] The Olympic torch relay began
today in Fukushima, Japan, and will be carried
around the country by more than 10,000 people before arriving
in Tokyo's Olympic Stadium. That story again --
an open flame will be run through a nuclear fallout
disaster area before being passed
person-to-person 10,000 times during a contagious pandemic. Let the games begin! [ Laughter ] Officials in China
recently closed the country's
first sex doll hotel and released a statement
attributing the move to reasons "not convenient to explain." And I think I speak
for everyone when I say, "I'll, uh -- I'll make time for this one." [ Laughter ] Also, what do you mean, the reasons are
"not convenient to explain"? I think it's pretty easy
to explain. "Sex doll hotel"
is the explanation. I don't even like to touch the
remote control in a hotel room. I'm joking.
They actually closed it because, against all odds, nobody came. [ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] [ Laughter ] Organizers of the annual
Hash Bash marijuana rally in Ann Arbor, Michigan,
announced on Tuesday that the event will be held
virtually this year. Which is risky, because,
once everyone realizes they can do it from their couch,
they'll never go back. [ Laughter ]
And finally, today was -- Ooh, actually, uh,
before I tell this joke -- There's a lot of national days
on the calendar. Pretty much every day,
in the setups of our jokes, you find out
what national day it is. And something that's never been
attempted before has happened this week. Mike Scollins,
a writer for the show, has told a "Today was
National Whatever Day" with a punch line
three days in a row, which is known as a turkey. No one's ever done four
in a row, but he's about to try. And we're about to see if he
can tell four funny jokes about a national day
of the week. For those who don't know,
this is our friend Mike Scollins right here.
Let's just show him off. There you go. [ Laughter ] That's Mike
in his everyday outfit. [ Laughter ] And, now, we're gonna find out
if he can "tank-top" himself. [ Laughter ] And, finally,
today was Pecan Day. Well, I hope you got a nut. Judges? [ Laughter ] Ahh! [ Laughter ] Heartbreaking. [ Laughter ] That was the monologue,
everybody. ♪♪ [ Whistling and applause ]
