- [Emcee] Please welcome to
the stage, Mike Vecchione. - I'm sorry I look
like every cop that's been in
trouble on the news. You know, during the
height of the pandemic, my friend calls me up. He goes, Mike, do you
want to go to Spain this year for running
with the bulls? I go, isn't that a bit soon? Remember last week when
the air almost killed us? Remember five days ago, we were
almost murdered by the air? And now you want to go
running with the bulls? Which, I know that's
what it's called, but that's not actually
what you're gonna be doing. Running with the bulls implies that the bulls
have accepted you, and you guys have decided
to exercise together. What you're gonna be doing
is running from the bulls. Do you understand
the difference? Running with, running from? Everybody's so focused on
pronouns now, maybe we should take a look at some
of these prepositions. Running with, running from. He's kind of an unhealthy
guy, so I took a shot at him. I go, instead of
running with the bulls, why don't you just try running? Because you know what can
kill you besides bulls? A sedentary lifestyle. He goes, well, let me know. You know, we all have to get
COVID tests before we go over. I go, oh, do they want
us completely healthy for when we're
murdered by bulls? My girlfriend moved in with
me during the pandemic, and I'll tell you a little
bit about myself first. I'm a hundred percent Italian. - [Audience Member] Woo. - Thank you. And I tell people that,
and I get pushback. They go, a hundred percent,
your mother and father? I go, that's what a
hundred percent means. What did you do, drop
out of the fifth grade? They go, can you speak it? I go, no, I'm third generation. They go, oh, you're not real. But I tried, I took an
Italian language class at my high school,
but I was failing it, so I did the most Italian
thing I could think of. I went to the teacher after
class and I said, look, I'm getting an F, I'm
failing your class. But what do you say
you give me a B, and nothing will happen
to you or your family. There's nothing more
Italian than that. Now my girl is
from rural Indiana, and I learned this very early
on during the quarantine. People from rural
Indiana do not like to be called hillbillies. Did you guys know that? That's considered a slur. The correct term is caged-free. The caged-free do not like
to be called hill folk. It gets their
overalls in a twist. The hardest thing about
moving in with someone is getting adjusted to
each other's bad habits. I'll go first with mine. My bad habit is yelling. I do yelling. And I thought, oh, this is
just being Italian American. But that's not what
it's called now. That's not what
it's called in 2022. It's not called being
Italian American. Now it's called toxic and problematic. It's no longer ethnic. It's now toxic and problematic. Her problem, and since she's
not here, we'll get into it, she leaves her crap
all over the place. I mean, real bad. Cupboards open, drawers open,
clothes all over the floor. So I go, were you
raised in a barn? That's a pretty
standard thing to say to somebody who's being a slob. Were you raised in a barn? But she's from rural Indiana. So it turns out she actually
was raised in a barn. She took it personal, and
it started a four-day fight. But it was a cultural
miscommunication,
and she did it back to me during the fight. She called me a pig,
and that's a slap in the face in my culture. But to somebody
from rural Indiana, a pig is your friend. She just meant that you are
very loyal and trustworthy. But I remember the first
time our bad habits collided. You know, I walk in the
apartment, and it's a mess, and I go, what is this? What is this? And she comes out of the room
and looks at me and goes, please stop yelling. I go, oh, I wasn't
yelling at you. I was yelling at the person
that I thought kidnapped you. 'Cause this looks
like a crime scene. What are you trying
to tell me with this? You're from the Midwest,
are you pro-tornado? Because I'm anti-tornado. I think they destroy lives. But it's not that,
it's just that Indiana is a different
place than New York. It's not better or worse,
it's just different. I went to go visit her people. Very nice. I ducked away for a
little alone time. I went to the diner,
and I had a great meal, and I got the bill, and the
bill was for six dollars. So I call the waitress
over, I go, excuse me, Miss? There must be some mistake. This says six dollars. She goes, there's no mistake, and you're gonna pay
every penny of it. I go, I don't think
you understand. What I'm saying is,
I have enough money in my pocket right now
to buy this restaurant. So living together is going
pretty good for me, guys, but I made a mistake
during the quarantine, and, don't ever do this with
your significant partner. We're laying in bed
and I go, let's get to know each other
a little bit better. On the count of three, let's blurt out our IQs. Never do that with your
significant partner. One of you is dumber. And in my case it was me,
and I was much dumber. And she loves me, so she
was trying to save it. She goes, Mike, you have
a much lower IQ than I do. Even you're smart
enough to know that. She goes, but you
have this other thing called emotional intelligence. And that's pretty valuable too. And I did some research,
and it turns out emotional intelligence
is completely made up. It's fake. It's just something that
smart people tell dumb people that they have, so
that the dumb people don't kill themselves,
and they stay alive, and they do the jobs
that the smarter people don't want to do. So my jobs in the
apartment are as follows. Sanitation and extermination. Bugs and trash. That's what I do, I
do bugs and trash. And sometimes, she'll quiz me. She'll go, what are your jobs? I'll go bugs and trash. And she'll be
like, who's my guy? I go, I am. Nail it. Nail it every time. We recently had an incident, there was a bug in the bathroom. And the reason I know because
she was in the bathroom, and she yells, a bug, a bug,
it's a bug, there's a bug. I'm like, all right,
car alarm, I got it. I go in, flick the light
on, bug freezes, I freeze. It's a standoff. Now I try to kill
this bug three times. Third time I step
directly on him, scoop him up with toilet paper. He's still alive but wounded. So I throw him in the toilet. I flush the toilet,
it's swirling around. This bug pushes away
from the toilet paper. He Heismans the toilet paper. Swims to the side of the
bowl, starts climbing out. I see that, I back
out of the bathroom. I go, it's all good babe. She goes in the bathroom,
she comes back out, she goes, he's alive and better than ever. I go, let me tell you
something about this bug. He has more of a will to live
than you and me combined. She goes, well go back
in there and kill him. I go relax, this isn't
a mafia family, okay? This bug has a lot of the
characteristics, actually, that I admire in
any living thing. This bug is resilient,
overcomes adversity, mentally tough, never quits. This bug is basically who
I want to be as a person. I'm not gonna go back in
there and kill my role model. He just lives with us now. She goes, well, I'm afraid
to go in the bathroom. I go, well you should be, 'cause you ordered
his death three times, and I'm sure he overheard you, 'cause this bug probably
doesn't have the highest IQ, but I'm sure he's got a lot
of emotional intelligence. Thank you. Thank you. I've had to move a few
times in New York, though. One time because of bedbugs. Have you guys had them? Bedbugs are aggressive. They just attack
you and attack you until you break your lease. There's no way to stop bedbugs. I think that's my
message here tonight. I did figure out a way to
slow them down, though. I introduced ladybugs
into my apartment. Now the ladybugs don't
kill the bedbugs, but they wear them
down emotionally. That joke does good with
about half the crowd. The other half doesn't
like it so much. I put that joke on Twitter,
I got attacked worse than I got attacked by bedbugs. But I'm just moving in now,
and you guys are looking at me like, Mike,
you're a sweet piece. How are you not married? And the answer is, 'cause I
went through a lot of breakups. When I break up with a
woman now, never pleasant. I like to do it at a
restaurant, 'cause I feel like it's a public place, and
she will not cause a scene. Can I share a secret
with you guys? The women of today will yell
at you right in a restaurant. You know what I do now? I take her to a
Chinese restaurant. That way if she yells
at me, it just seems like she's working
at the restaurant. I'm sorry, is that
joke too sweet and sour for some of you guys? I didn't mean to ruin
your happy family, which is another
delicious entree. I just think it's really
bad dating from your phone, because there's no compromise. If you don't like someone,
you just swipe them away, you know, and you
get rid of them. Back in the day, we used
to have to compromise. I went on a phone date
before I met my girl. First thing the woman
said to me, I'm a vegan. I'm a vegan. Is that the first thing we
should be saying to each other? How about your name? What's your favorite color? I'm a vegan, I'm a vegan. So I go, look, I'm
on the keto diet. All I eat is meat. We're on opposite ends
of the dietary spectrum, but there's a chance to, what? Compromise. We did not go down that road. Because then she goes,
I wouldn't even eat food that has touched me. And then I go, I only eat
emotional support animals. You wanna keep
playing this game? We can keep playing this game. Now when you move in with
your significant partner, which is what Twitter makes
me call my girlfriend now. That's funnier than
what you guys gave it. When you move in with
your significant partner, you have to talk about what
you value in an apartment. And she went first. She goes, we really
need a doorman. And I go, why? She goes for protection in case someone is
trying to get us. I go, what are you into? I've been living a pretty
Judeo-Christian life without many enemies
on the streets. I don't know what you're into, where you need protection. She goes, we just need
a man to protect us. I go, well, I'm a man who
could technically protect us. She goes, yeah, but
you're not a doorman. And it occurred to
me, she doesn't know
what a doorman does, because she's from
rural Indiana. It's the closest thing
they have to a doorman in rural Indiana is a scarecrow, which is like the
doorman of the crops. I go, you understand,
this is a doorman. His functions are as follows. He opens and closes the door, and sometimes he takes packages. But he's not a Navy
Seal or a ninja. He's a doorman. I'm vaccinated and
I'm telling you that 'cause I want you
to know I'm a hero. I got the one that
gives you blood clots. I got the blood clot one. I got the one that
gives you blood clots. I used to say
Johnson and Johnson, but before I would get
to the second Johnson, whoever I was talking to
would go, "blood clots." You have the blood clot one. You have the one that
gives you blood clots. So now I just save everybody
time and I go, blood clots. I have the blood clot one. I have the one that
gives you blood clots. But it's gonna work to my
advantage 'cause New York City, where I live, is getting
increasingly violent, and I figure if I get shot in
the street, I won't bleed out. He'll be like, you know
what, save this guy. Blood clots. He had the blood clot one. He had the one that
gives you blood clots. I am gonna miss some things
about the pandemic, though. For example, having
my temperature taken like I'm being executed. Remember that at
the restaurants? Wanna see our menu? Wanna see our menu, don't you? Huh? Wanna look at our specials? It's aggressive, you know? I didn't feel safe. I started carrying my
own thermometer around with me for protection. That's my second amendment. That's my second amendment. I got the right,
I got the right. So they'd be like, you
want to see our menu? I'd be like, what's up now dog? How you doing? How you doing? No, you need to
give me your email. And I'll take your email in case I have to track you
like a little baby wolf. But I say the pandemic's
been different for everybody. It's been harder on all of
us in here, I would say, just looking at you guys. That's not a slam, guys. It's harder on all
of us, because we all
had to wear masks, and I wore a mask, you
know, whatever was required. But harder on all
of us, I would say, because we're all good looking. And when you wear a mask
and you're good looking, people can't tell that
you're good looking. And it's terrible. As attractives, we're used to being treated a
certain way all of our lives. But because we had
to wear these masks, people couldn't tell
that we were attractive. And it was terrible. Example, height of the pandemic. I'm in Starbucks, masked
up for safety reasons. Woman behind the counter
starts talking to me sideways. I had to stop her. I go, excuse me miss? I'm handsome. You can't talk to me that way. You can't talk to me that way. You're talking to me like I'm
an ugly, and I'm not an ugly. Actually, Miss? I'm an attractive. You want me to prove it? I'll take my mask off and
kill everybody in here with my tiny vapors,
is that what you want? You want me to kill everybody
with my tiny vapors? I'm an attractive. Because I'm just talking to
you guys right now, you know. Other attractives. No disrespect to the
people out there. But the uglys have
had a good run. They really have. Walking around, masks
up, pretending to be us. And now that this
thing is winding down, they're looking for any
excuse to keep their masks on. I hear 'em talking. It could be a variant,
it could be a variant. I'm like, cut the crap. It's not a variant. You had a good run. Stop trying to be us. Get a skill, you know? That's the way you gotta
talk to 'em sometimes. You gotta go get a skill. But there's extremes on both
sides of this, you know. Height of the pandemic, outside
of my building in New York, there's a woman, she had two
masks and a face shield on. Outside. And that's fine,
you know, whatever. But where is this
going, you know? You throw wipers and a turn
signal on her, she's a car. Maybe that's where this goes. Maybe we evolve into tiny cars. Then I got a friend in Florida, doesn't believe any
of this is real. He just makes up his own facts. He goes, it's all fake, Mike. It's all fake, you know? He goes, what are the deaths? One in 400? He goes, Mike, do you know, one in five Floridians
gets decapitated by their own ceiling fan? I go, what? He goes, that's real talk, Mike. The mainstream media isn't
gonna talk about that. One in five
Floridians decapitated by their own ceiling fans. It's "Game of Thrones"
down here, Mike. We're getting murdered
by our own appliances. And then he goes, Dr.
Fauci is a chiropractor. He always takes a shot
at Fauci on the way out. Dr. Fauci don't make his
own spaghetti sauce, Mike. What kind of Italian don't
make his own gravy, Mike? What else is he not telling us? Thank you. I probably should have
used barbecue sauce for you guys here, because
it's more applicable. I'll be happy to never take
another COVID test again. Because the healthcare
professionals, while heroes, can be quite aggressive. Bedside manner
went out the window about halfway
through this thing. Last time I went in
for a COVID test, the woman said
exactly nothing to me. Went and got a swab. I think it was a swab, could
have been a screwdriver. If I'm being honest, it
felt like a Phillips head. And she must have
played college softball 'cause she came from back here. Just boom, dry dock me,
hit my frontal lobe. I lost my sense of
direction for like a week. Afterwards, I looked
at her, I'm like, is this even about COVID? You just seem angry, and it
feels like you're using COVID to get a lot of your
frustrations out. COVID-19, let's do
a deep dive, guys. What do we know about COVID-19? Well we know it came from
China, so we know it works. Italy got hit hard but I
think it's 'cause Italy was trying to treat
it with recipes. Nice try Italy, but not helpful. Who do I blame? Is that what you
guys want to know? The people who wanted
to get rid of straws. Remember those heroes? We gotta get rid of the straws. We gotta get rid of the
straws because the straws are killing the turtles. So fine, we got
rid of the straws. Then we started putting
our mouths on everything. We started raw-dogging
everything with our mouths, and then we all got
the coronavirus, and then we started dying. And did the turtles help us? No they didn't, guys. They were conveniently
quarantining in their shells. Probably mumbling slurs
about us, you know? Turtles are really old. Do you guys need more
time with these jokes, or? Are you gonna get them? My new fear, now that
COVID has subsided, is being pushed onto
the subway tracks. I don't know if you guys get
our news here in Nashville, you know, "The
Nashville Tribune," or "The Nashville Inquisitor," I'm not sure what
your paper is called. But we're pushing each
other on the subway tracks. And the big problem is, you
don't know who's gonna push you. If it was one person,
we could strategize around that individual,
but it could be anybody. And I'll tell you
what the answer isn't. Asking each person
on the platform if they're thinking
about pushing. Because I saw a guy who looked
suspicious and I said, sir? You don't look right. Are you thinking about pushing? He goes, I wasn't before you mentioned
it, but to be honest, now that you've brought it up, it sounds like it
might be refreshing. Yeah guys, it's pushing season. So I just assumed I'm
getting pushed, you know. Every time I'm on the
platform I get in a stance. Knee slightly bent, head
on a swivel, you know, good form, getting
ready to get pushed. 'Cause I feel like
if I get pushed, a lot of the trains are
delayed, I can pop back up. Now I'm in that
guy's head, you know? So no one talks about the popup. You ready to get pushed,
and you get pushed, and you pop back up. It shows that guy,
I'm resilient, right? He's just gonna push me
in front of a train, dog. Am I relating to some of
the younger people that way? Maybe. Should I say dog at
the end of the jokes? Just, I'm trying to, I'm
trying to relate to the Gen Zs. So I'm on the platform,
knees slightly bent, head on a swivel,
ready to get pushed. I see a guy now, he's a waiter
at one of the clubs I work. I go, hey man, what's up? How was your pandemic? He goes, pretty good. I go, are you going
back to work soon? He goes, I don't
do that anymore. I sell Bitcoin now. He goes, do you know
what Bitcoin is? I go, I don't think anyone
actually knows what Bitcoin is. He goes, well let me
explain it to you. And about five minutes into
the explanation, I was like, I'd rather you just
push me onto the tracks. So now I'm taking Lyft,
and I know you guys probably don't take
Lyft, you know, 'cause you guys have cars. I'm sorry, trucks. I don't like Lyft, you know. I like to put in where
I'm going, I want Lyft to give me the price, and
how long it's gonna take to pick me up. And Lyft initially does that, but then they start negotiating,
and I don't like that. They're like, hey Mike,
instead of picking you up in four minutes, how about
we knock a $1.75 off, and we pick you
up in 22 minutes? Would that be cool? No Lyft, that would not be cool. I'm in a dangerous neighborhood. I might not be
alive in 22 minutes. Well how about we
knock four dollars off, and we send you a
car with a driver who may or may not be drunk? You might have to
actually drive. How about we knock
eight dollars off, and we just send
you a guy, no car? I go, is this even Lyft anymore? This feels like Grindr. This feels like
a gay hookup app. And I am not gay, but
I do love a discount. So I guess it's
decision time for me. And how much feedback
does Lyft need? I'm flying out of
LaGuardia, which is one of our airports in New York. I fly out like at six a.m. I get to the airport,
my phone's blowing up. I'm like, who's
calling me this early? Who's texting me? It's Lyft, with a
bunch of questions. How was the ride? Rate the driver,
review the ride, give him a tip, give
him a compliment. I'm like, oh my God. I wanted a ride to the airport. I didn't want to
become a foster parent. How much work is this? So I just did it old
school, verbally. I go Fariq? His name was Fariq. I say to him, I go Fariq,
four out of five stars. You got me to the
airport beautifully, but you were yelling
at your wife in Farsi the entire trip. And I feel obligated to
tell you that yelling is toxic and problematic. It's no longer ethnic, it is now toxic and problematic. Have you guys been flying
during the pandeezy? The pandeeze? The pandoze? But all my flights
have been delayed, because they're cleaning
and sanitizing the plane. That's what they say. We're cleaning and sanitizing
every part of the plane. And it's like, can you
get there 15 minutes early to clean and sanitize? They go, no, we're
cleaning and sanitizing. That's the reason
for our delays. Nobody overslept. We're cleaning and sanitizing
every part of the plane. So I get on the plane, and
I head to the emergency row, that's where I sit, I'm a hero. And there's crumbs in my seat. So I go to the flight
attendant and I go, did you clean and
sanitize the plane? She goes, we cleaned
and sanitized every
part of the plane. I go, what'd you clean
it with, cookies? And then I was gonna ask
for seat reassignment. If you're not comfortable
in the emergency row, you guys know that
you can do that? You can ask for a
seat reassignment. But have you ever asked
for a seat reassignment? They get real mad. You get more support asking
for gender reassignment than you do for
seat reassignment. I don't want you to think
that I don't follow the rules. I do follow the rules. My problem is when someone is
trying to exert power over me. I don't like that. If it's just the
rules, I'll follow 'em. But when someone's trying
to exert power, I buck. Example, I'm flying out of
John F. Kennedy Airport, it's one of the airports
we have in New York. So I'm taking my little bag,
you know I never check luggage. I have five outfits like this. So I take my little bag,
before I even get close to the woman, she goes,
you're gonna have to check it, you're gonna have to check that. You will have to check it. And I go, but it's my
emotional support bag. I have things in there that
I need for emotional support. I watch you guys let
people take dogs, and pigs, and chickens
onto the plane. I would like to take my
emotional support bag on. She goes, sir, that's not real. I go, apparently Miss,
you don't know that much about mental health,
because it's very real. Now I have a letter
from my doctor, and I gave her the
letter, and she read it, and she goes, this
letter is fake. And I go, I know I'm a liar,
that's part of my disability. I need my emotional support bag. I have things in there
for emotional support. She goes, there's a metal
contraption next to the door. If you can fit your bag
in that metal contraption, you can take it on the flight. So I try, guys. Like 20 times, and
it's not fitting. Yet I know that it will fit
in the overhead compartment. This is setup. So I have to take my bag
back to her, defeated. And she goes, I'm very
sorry, but like I said, you're gonna have
to check your bag. I go, I don't think
you are very sorry. I think you're
quietly celebrating. And then there was
a joke, you know, there was a joke to be
made, so I made a joke. I go, I know this is
John F. Kennedy Airport, but you're treating me
like Lee Harvey Oswald. You know, give her a little
shot, give her a little shot. Shot. She goes, be that as it may sir, you will have to check your bag. I go, it's not even my bag. A stranger asked me to
bring it onto the flight. And I'm trying to
do somebody a solid. And this is what kindness gets
at John F. Kennedy Airport? She goes, sir, what's so
important that you have to take your bag on? What's in the bag? I go, I could tell you but
you're not gonna understand. She goes, try me. I go inside the bag is Bitcoin. And she goes, what's Bitcoin? I go, well let me
explain it to you. And about five minutes into
the explanation she was like, just get on the plane. Take your stupid
bag on the plane. Thanks. Well a lot of you have been
thinking it so I'll just say it. Yes, I have been
going to the gym. I got a very expensive
gym membership. It's the most I've ever
paid for a gym membership, but you have to
invest in yourself. I think someone tweeted that. And, so I go into the
gym to check it out, and the woman's showing
me around, she goes, first floor is all weights, second floor is
cardio equipment, third floor is yoga
studios and a steam room. And then she told me the price. And I go, which floor do you
go to to declare bankruptcy? 'Cause I'm probably gonna
have to do that at some point. And like a good
salesperson, she pivoted. She goes, what's
your fitness goal? I go, for this much money? It's Thor. I would like to be
half man, half god. And I would like
to have a hammer that I also use as a weapon. So I do a one-day trial, and
I'm in the steam room trying to sweat out some of my poverty. And I start talking to
a guy in the steam room, we're having a
great conversation, and at the end of the
conversation he goes, I'm gay. And I go, that's cool man. I am a straight. Then he goes, I can flip you. And then I go, I think we
have different fitness goals. Mine is to be Thor. I'm looking to be Thor. But you guys are really
putting me in a good mood. I got some bad news today. I found out my favorite
Italian restaurant is closing, Chuck E. Cheese. And nice, Charles Edward Cheese has decided to close his doors. I like the Chuck E
Cheese business model. They opened up, they're
like, look, we have rats. Now, we could call
an exterminator, but that's gonna cost a lot. What do you say we just
lean into this thing? Let's get a rat, let's
make him our spokesperson. Get 'em on stage,
get him in a band, get 'em cranking out some hits. Charles Edward Cheese. That's his Christian name,
Charles Edward Cheese. Somebody actually wrote
me a email that said, it's Charles
Entertainment Cheese. That's what the E stands for. I'm just letting you know. I'm like, wow, you have a lot
of time on your hands, man, that you're correcting
for the love of Charles Edward Cheese. It's funny when you
argue with somebody. I'm like, no, it's Edward. Edward, this is crazy. He's like, no it's Charles
Entertainment, look it up. And I go, I did,
and it's Edward. Just keep, just seeing. I had a roommate for years
and years, and I loved him, but he's on drugs, and
we're hanging out one night, and he goes, do you
like the Grateful Dead? I go, no. He goes, well have you
ever seen them live? I go, why would I see them live if I don't like
any of their songs? He's like, you gotta
see 'em live dude, you gotta see 'em live. I'm like, why? Because you get trashed
and you go see them live? I would rather drop acid
and go to Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever seen
that band live? You haven't lived til you see
a rat rip a guitar solo, okay? I'm talking Charles
Edward Cheese. I'm Italian American
and I live in New York, and one of my passions,
standup comedy's my job, but one of my passions
before the dark times, was to go from city to city
around this great country, and tell people in
these different cities that they have terrible pizza. It's awesome, guys. And it weirdly hurts
people's feelings. And I can work it
into any conversation. I was in Baltimore, I'm
coming down in an elevator, I'm talking to this woman. She goes, oh you live
in New York City? How did you enjoy our aquarium? I'm like, lady, I don't know
anything about your aquarium, but your pizza is terrible. She goes, what's wrong with it? And that gives you a pathway
to insult their entire town. I'm like, first of all, Miss,
in order to have good pizza, you need good water. You guys don't have it. And maybe you're using
all of your good water in your aquarium, but
you're not using it in your pizza, 'cause it sucks. Your toppings are bad. Do you have any
Italians in this town who could make a pizza? Anyone who could read a recipe? Do you have anyone in
this town who could read? Do you guys have schools? It's a new thing sweeping
the country called schools. Then I'll compare
the town negatively to another town close by. I'll go look, I was
just in Cleveland. That's not great pizza,
but it's not this dog crap. It's pretty fun, guys. You guys are a great crowd
'cause you're getting my jokes. You know? A lot of people
don't get my jokes. Not a lot, some, you know? Some crowds don't get it. And if there's a joke in
everyday life, I'll make it. You know who does not appreciate
my unique sense of humor? Chinese customs. Because I went to China
before the dark times, and they were like, why
are you coming to China? And I was like, to feel tall? No, I ended up in a work
camp for quite some time. I dropped my phone in
the toilet in China, and that's actually the best
place to drop your phone in the toilet, you know,
because of all the rice. But I wouldn't put it
in white rice, I put it in brown rice because of
my commitment to diversity. Diversity, guys, that's
the name of the game in show business now. My manager calls me
up, he's like, Mike, is there anything
in your background that could give us some
much needed diversity? I go, well I'm a
hundred percent Italian. Does that help? He goes, actually
that hurts us a lot. So if you could not
mention that again, that would be a big help. Then he's like, what about
what's going on inside of you? Is there any diversity there? I'm like, what do you mean? He's like with your feelings. Like sometimes do
you feel like a woman that is trapped inside
of a man's body? Because that's a
story we could tell. I'm like, no, that's
not really happening. But I was born C-section, so I was a man who was trapped
inside of a woman's body. I don't know if that counts. I don't know if that
makes, am I a hero? Am I a hero? Anyway, I got my phone
working in China again, and my Chinese tour
guide was like, Mike, how are you enjoying China? I'm like, it's pretty good,
but your pizza is terrible. And I was like, you know
who has a pretty good slice? Korea. It's not great, but
it's not this dog crap. Fine guys, what's my
immigration policy? Is that what you want to know? 90-day fiance. I say, if you want to come
to this country, that's fine, but you have to marry
one of our worst people. Have you seen that show? I would rather go back to
El Salvador, and fight MS 13 than to marry Darcy
from Connecticut. I'm pro-immigrant, I came
from immigrants, you know. But I noticed in New
York the immigrants from the small countries,
eastern block, Central America, they yell into their phones. They're always yelling. Yelling is toxic
and problematic. I don't know if you
guys know that or not. It's no longer ethnic. But they're yelling
into their phones, and I can't help but
think, that's probably why you were asked to
leave your country. Country is so small,
and you're yelling, the cops were probably
like, you need to go to a bigger land, more suited to your
voice inflection. But I think we're good
people in this country. I think it's a lot
of good people. You know, I think the
problem, the big divide in this country is
that we're all looking at the same thing from
different perspectives. It's perspective. For example, I'm
a huge boxing fan. I love all kinds of boxing. And I was watching this one
fight, it was a female fighter and her brother was
the promoter, and they were interviewing
her, and they're like, how did you start fighting? And it's a tragic story. She goes, when I was
young, I watched my father hit my mother, I was too
weak to do anything about it. So I learned to fight, and
it never happened again. I'm like, wow, that's
pretty powerful. Then I thought, but the brother, the promoter, grew
up in the same home. So he must have saw the
same thing and thought to himself, I can
sell tickets to this. Perspective, perspective. Now I'd like to talk about race. I'm a straight white,
and I'm coming out of the closet straight white. I don't know if
we have a closet, we have more of a wine cellar. But sometimes, admittedly,
I only see things from my straight
white perspective. For example, I went to
Aruba before the dark times, without my significant partner, which is what Twitter makes
me call my girlfriend now. And I needed somebody
to rub sunblock on me. And I know what you're thinking. That's a straight white problem. But if you're a straight white, without your intimate
partner, who do you ask? Another straight white? The answer is no, because
we don't help each other. Do you ask the
straight white's wife? Now you gotta fight
the straight white. We're a jealous group. Can't ask a kid. I think Epstein ruined
that for all of us. I asked my friend who's
an African American woman, I'm like, will you please
rub sunblock on me? She goes, sunblock,
Michael, is racist. I go, how so? She goes, it's a
product, Michael, that's dedicated to
keeping you white. I couldn't wrap my
straight white brown, I couldn't wrap my straight
white brain around it. And then she goes, and,
you could tell the level of racism by the SPF. SPF five is a little bit racist. SPF 40 is Nazi strength. She goes, gimme one reason
I should rub this sunblock on you, Michael, one reason. I go, melanoma? That was her name,
Melanoma Jenkins. But I am against discrimination
in all of its forms. Okay? I was on the beach
in Aruba, same joke. And there's these children
building a sandcastle. So I examined it very carefully, cause I'm a thoughtful person. And then I kicked it over. With tears in their eyes,
they were like, sir, why? And I was like,
because you do not have any wheelchair
accessible entrances. This is a castle
of discrimination, you little pieces of trash. And I told that joke to
an audience full of people in wheelchairs and they actually
gave it a standing ovation. So. You guys have a
lot of work to do. But to be honest, guys,
with what's going on today, I just kind of, I kind of do
whatever fits my own narrative. Like I have a white
friend who goes, standardized testing is racist. And I actually agree with that, because I did not
do well on my SATs. So I go, yeah, I agree. He goes, it doesn't
apply to you Mike, 'cause you're a straight white. I go, it does apply to me. If the test is racist,
and I'm not a racist, I'm not gonna do well on it. I go, what did you
get on the SATs? He goes, 1580. I missed one question. I go, good job Hitler. Now I'd like to talk about God. I am Catholic. Anybody? - [Audience Members] Woo. - Well for the rest of you
guys who are going to hell, when you're Catholic, what
you do is you go to church, you light a candle,
and you say a prayer. But I'm a very
competitive Catholic. So before I light my candle, I blow everybody
else's candle out. 'Cause I don't want
God getting confused between the nonsense
prayers and the ones that are very important. I think even if you're
an atheist, you have to admire Jesus as
a historical figure. You know, I think he was
great, and I don't think he deserved his death, you know? All he did was, you
know, cure leprosy, wash people's feet,
and just like, multiply loaves of bread,
and turn water into wine. I mean the guy was a walking
after party basically. And he did not deserve
his death, you know. And you know who else
didn't deserve their deaths? The guys who were
crucified next to Jesus. They were criminals. They were horse thieves. I'm not gonna stand up
here and tell you guys that stealing a horse is
the right thing to do. It's not. But it's not crucifixion wrong. Even for Roman times,
that's a bit harsh. That's why in the Bible, there's so many
letters to the Romans. People were writing in. Dear Romans, how about you stop
crucifying people for class three misdemeanors? You ever hear of
community service, Romans? Or house arrest? Now the story goes, there
was a bitter horse thief, and a contrite horse thief,
and we're all supposed to be like the
contrite horse thief, and ask for forgiveness. But I actually understand
the bitter horse thief. The bitter horse
thief, had a lot to be bitter about because
he's being crucified with Jesus, who has
a huge following, even at that time, you know? So Jesus got all the headlines, and Jesus got all the merch. Let's face it. I've never been wearing a
cross and had someone come up to me and go,
which guy was that? Was that the horse thief? Now Miss, have you
been to Israel? Not yet. Well, I went over there
before the dark times. Did I learn Hebrew? No I didn't. But I looked at it a lot. And the language of
Hebrew just looks like somebody is repeatedly
trying to draw a foot stool, over and over again. It just looked like
footstool, half a footstool, one leg of a footstool,
footstool flipped over, footstool flipped
over, footstool. One leg of a footstool,
flipped over footstool, half a foot stool, one
leg of a footstool, footstool, footstool,
half a footstool. I just wished you guys a
happy Easter in Hebrew. I just wished you
guys a happy Easter. I think Jesus had a bad lawyer. Because it was after
his trial, you know? And he's waiting
for the verdict, and his lawyer
comes back and goes, I have some good news
and I have some bad news. Which would you like first? And Jesus goes, I'm
about the good news, so give me the good news. And the lawyer goes, they've
decided on crucifixion. And Jesus goes,
that's the good news? What's the bad news? Lawyer goes, the bad news
is, the Romans have a union and the union has a
contract with the state to perform the crucifixion. But they do not have a
contract with the state to carry the cross to
the crucifixion site. Jesus goes, why are
you telling me this? The lawyer goes, they want
to pay you a non-union wage to carry the cross, you know. Jesus goes to the
lawyer, he goes, who are these people that
are doing this to me? And the lawyer goes,
they're the Romans, but later they will
become Italians. And if it matters in the future, they're gonna be way into you. They're really super
into your birthday. And they're gonna put nativity
scenes with your whole family on their front lawn, and if
anybody messes with them, they'll flip out, and then
it'll make the newspaper. And Jesus goes, Italians, huh? Well how about this? Everybody in their
ethnicity, all the men in their ethnicity
have hair on their back for the rest of eternity. All their women have mustaches. All their kids live with their
parents until they're 40. And when they do move
out, they move next door. How's that? Is that fun? Tell 'em it's from
the King of the Jews. Thank you. You guys were so amazing for me. Thank you so much for coming
out with such great energy. What can I say, I love
you, I love Nashville. Thank you you guys, thank you. ♪ One day to get it all right ♪ Two wrong and
not enough right ♪ ♪ Three words you
said in the night ♪ ♪ Before we held the fire ♪ High five me
brother it's amazing ♪ ♪ Her six shooter
came out blazing ♪ ♪ Seven Up and Coke
on the pavement ♪ ♪ Eat my heart out daily baby ♪ Hey I love you ♪ Hey I need you ♪ Hey I want you ♪ Do you want me too ♪ You can count on me - [Announcer] Thank
you very much.
