- I was a little
cheesy back in the day. Like, if you're over 30,
I don't know, you remember
that one asshole in the club with just a vest on? [laughter] I mean, like, like, who goes out with just a vest? Like, what are you, Han Solo? - Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr. We all have that special woman
in our life, the one we like to put up
on a pedestal. - Finger sandwiches, boys? - Aw, thank you, Mom. - Go on, little Roy,
make it rain. - Aww, skeet, skeet.
- There you go. <i> ♪ ♪</i> Now, make sure you separate
the ones from the fives. - I know, Ma, I know. - Such a gentleman. - Now I got to pick up
the money. Separate the bills. She the one that told me
to make it rain. <i> - That's my boy.</i> - You all know him as the host of the "You're on the List"
podcast. You know him from his comedy
album "American Comic." Bret Ernst, everybody. [cheers and applause] - I'm actually dedicating
this story to my mom. It's a story about her catching me jerking off. [laughter] Listen, I'm a comic,
all right? I don't write songs or poems. I'm dedicating a jerk-off story
to my mom, all right? That's--that's the extent. Well, I was raised
by a single mom, and she had three boys, and you know--
and it's hard for moms to try--you know, to try
and talk to their sons about the animalistic shit we do,
you know what I mean? Like, my little brother
and me were animals. My older brother was a little
bit nicer and knew how to act. He was--well, he was gay. So it makes sense. Gay guys know how to act. Literally,
they're amazing actors, but I meant
they know how to behave. But we never had the talk. I mean, I learned how to be
with women from, like,
R&B videos and porn. And my little brother learned
from me. So when you're raising sons,
you know, they catch you doing messed up shit, you know? I remember one time I hid
my rubbers--remember, you ever hide your rubbers? You know, 'cause I don't
want her to know. But then one time, I opened
my drawer, and they were there, perfectly folded in the drawer. So she let me know she knew,
but then never said anything. When moms catch you rubbing one
out, they don't say-- like, I've been caught
a few times by my mom and by my wife. All right. [laughter] But I'm saying, like,
when your mom catches you, they don't say--like,
if your wife catches you, you know,
now there's a problem. Now we have to have a sit-down,
you know what I mean? Is there a problem
in the relationship? You know, moms are cool. I remember, one time,
I was rubbing one out, and my mom walked in. She's like, "Hey, Bret. Okay." Turned around and left. Nothing was ever said,
you know what I mean? [laughter] So I'm home from college. Like, I was one
of those losers that went away
to community college. You know what I mean? Like, I went to a community
college in another town, acting like I was doing shit
with my life. So I come home from
community college, and... [laughs] And it's a Wednesday night. We're going out on a Wednesday
night 'cause, you know, that's what you do when
you're in community college. And my friends
are picking me up. They're like,
yo, we're gonna go out. We're gonna go down to Miami, you know,
so get ready to go out. So you know, and you know,
and, by the way, I'm a reformed guido, okay? There was an intervention,
like '99. They took my cologne
bottles away. [laughter] But, you know, I was a little
cheesy back in the day. Like, if you're over 30,
I don't know, you remember
that one asshole in the club with just a vest on? [laughter] I mean, like, like, who goes out with just a vest? Like, what are you, Han Solo? Who the fuck? And I would wear
Timberland boots, like that would offset
the vest? Like, yeah, I do construction after I fly
the "Millennium Falcon." [laughter] So my boys are getting ready
to pick me up, so you know, I'm doing
my pre-going-out rituals, shaving the chest. Cologne daub. Did my curls. Got the vest on. You know what I mean?
I'm ready--I'm ready to go out. So now we go pre-drinking. There was this club down--
it was, like, a little ways down from me.
It was called Crickets, right? It was a real shithole. Like, people got stabbed there,
whatever, but, you know, we would pre-drink there,
and then we would head down to Miami to go out. So we get to the bar.
Vests everywhere. You know what I mean?
It's jumping. [laughter] And as soon I get in there, I make eye contact
with this girl, right? Beautiful girl, cute,
strong six, know what I mean? So I see her, I zero in on her,
you know? I'm like--just walk
right up to her. I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?"
You know, "What's your name?" She's like, "Francesca."
"Okay, Francesca. How's it going?"
So I'm talking to her. We're doing shots, you know,
getting hammered, and then my friends come up
to me, and they're like, "Yo, we're gonna go
down to Miami. Let's bounce," you know?
And I'm like, "All right." And I go to the girl.
"Can I get your number?" And she's like,
"Well, why don't you stay?" I'm like,
"Well, they're my ride. I got no way of getting back."
And then she's like, "I'll take you home." [laughter] I'm like, "All right."
[laughs] You know? I told my boys to
bounce, you know what I mean? By the way, we didn't have Uber
back then either, all right? A strong six was your Uber. So now we're drinking.
We're getting hammered, right? And she's like, you know,
"Let me take you home." So we drive back to the house,
and, again, I'm drunk. You know, slamming around. And we lived
in a little apartment. So I'm making noise,
and then the lights go on, and I woke my mom up, right? And my mom had like--
she had that mom robe. You ever seen
the mom robe? She's like, she's like,
"What are you doing?" You know, I'm like, "Fuck." I'm like,
"Yo, go to bed, Carol." You know what I mean? [laughter] I'm like,
"What are you doing up?" You know? But she's like, you know,
"Who's your friend?" I'm like, "Francesca,
this is my mom. Ma, this is Francesca,"
you know. She's like, "Can I make
you guys something to eat?" And I'm like, "No." So my mom goes back to sleep. Now Francesca was half Italian
and half Spanish, all right? So she understood the family
thing, you know what I mean? 'Cause the fact that
she met my mom-- now the whole dynamic changed,
you know? 'Cause I'm making out with her,
and we're fooling around, but it's just not the same. She's like, you know,
"I can't do this." You know, your mom's
in the other room. I'm like, "Carol don't care.
Don't worry about it." You know what I mean? We're still going,
and she's like, "I can't. I feel disrespectful." I'm like--you know. So she gave me her number.
She said, "Hit me up later." And she left.
So now I'm alone with a worked up...
[mumbles] All right, so this is
where it goes south. [laughter] Now this is back
in the VCR days, by the way, okay? They had DVD players, but I was
still working with VCR. [laughter] Well, I amassed, like,
this huge VHS collection, okay? And, you know, back then,
you had a porn tape like, that, you know,
it was on a VHS tape, but I had so many tapes that I would hide my tape
in plain sight, so, like, my mom would never
find it, you know? Like, my porn tape said
"NFL's Greatest Hits" on it. You know what I mean? I found my older brother's
one time. I'm like, "I haven't seen
'Grease' in a while." [laughter] Ahh!
You know? [laughter] Anyway, so... And that's the other thing. You didn't have Internet porn
back then, all right? You had a VHS tape that you
passed around to your friends. And when you put it in, you saw
exactly where he finished, which made it really awkward. Right?
And you had to rewind it, and find your own little scene. [laughter] All right, so I got
"NFL's Greatest Hits" in the VCR, right? And now I decide I got to get
one off, you know what I mean? And the whiskey's
really kicking in. I'm hammered.
Room's spinning. So I get butt naked, okay? And I'm laying in bed. Now, I don't know if you
ever do this or not when you're rubbing one out
in bed, but do you ever make, like, that toilet paper runway? You know what I mean? It's relevant to--
[laughs] It's relevant to the story. You know what I mean?
Like... You ever make that
toilet paper runway? It's like nice quick,
easy cleanup. You just throw it
under the bed, wake up the next morning,
get rid of the evidence, nobody knows nothing, right? So I'm laying there butt naked,
covered in Charmin two-ply 'cause I knew it was gonna be
a strong one, right? I got my little root
in my hand. I'll literally maybe five
strokes in, right? I'm so drunk... I pass out. [laughter] Now, when I wake up
the next morning, okay? The TV's off,
and I'm tucked in my bed. I'm like... [laughter] [cheers and applause] Now, you know
when you were like-- you know when you were out
drinking the night before-- you ever get really drunk and then you wake up
the next morning and there's, like, ten seconds where you forgot
you were drinking? And then you realize
you were drunk and start praying to God
for things that don't exist? You're like, "Oh, God,
please let there be "little magical jerk-off elves that came in here
and cleaned me up?" And I can imagine my poor mom. Just imagine being a mom,
walking in, seeing your son laying there
covered in toilet paper like some perverted mummy with just a vest on. [laughter] And she's never said a word
to this day, which is why I love my mom. All right, guys. <i> ♪ ♪</i> <i> - Bret Ernst!</i>
