Tim Hawkins Best Moments and Jokes Part 1

man death should be a party death where is thy sting I ain't afraid of death bring it not right now but me no that's right man you're gonna want to come to my funeral yeah I'm gonna put the fun in funeral be hard to be sad I got a big bowl of candy on my chest that is gonna help some people man people walking by my casket I can't believe you're gone I can't wait Smarties I love Smarties somebody takes two pieces I grabbed their arm to come on come to my funeral man there's gonna be dancing man I'm how music in a DJ hmm just throw your hands in the air and wave them like it ain't and they are oh come to my funeral man it's gonna be great there's gonna be a mosh pit yeah and don't just let me lay there get me involved pick me up let me crowd surfed a hand sanitizer in church anybody noticed that I don't know at my church they have these two hand sanitizer stations right by the front door greeters that is not a good message people come in on Sunday how you doing nice to see y'all it's good to see ya thanks for coming visit you're gonna love it here we just love people you can just be yourself you can just be yourself we don't care we don't judge you we just love you sit back and whatever questions you have you let us know we'll let you know whatever we can do for you okay y'all newly married you've got four kids for kids that is amazing God look we love kids here kids are like a little gift from God is what they are they're just wonderful little creatures that God gives us yeah where y'all from Arkansas okay that's it my wife had that's not think we love to do we love to watch movies together we got this thing this Netflix you got Netflix y'all it's awesome man we watched all the time there's too much we're watching too many movies cuz it's starting to influence our arguments it's so strange she walks in the other day hey um did you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor are those your underwear on the bathroom floor I hope so that's a whole other conversation we need to have if it is I want to know did you leave right I don't what do you want for me I want the truth you can't handle the truth honey we live in a world where men leave their underwear on the bathroom floor and those underwear have to be picked up who's gonna do it you the kids I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom you weep over by Hanes you cursed my fruit of the looms you had that luxury you had the luxury of not knowing what I know that my laziness while tragic probably save lives and my undergarments while grotesque and incomprehensible you save lives you don't want the truth because deep down to places you don't talk about it parties you want them on that floor you need them on that floor we men use words like boxers briefs whitey tighties do use them as a punchline I wish you just say Thank You Lee be on your way otherwise pick up your own underwear and stand a post either way I really don't care what you think you are entitled to did you leave you're done right I get well pick them up okay that's how we do it one foot Michigan Michigan the first joke I ever wrote was without a mission we're you do weird things miss confirmation when it goes and what permission you from well we gonna hit me go - come on man under Michigan shaped like a hand I got my own built-in roadmap right here did you know that that's awesome cuz I'm gonna do book called things I don't care about [Applause] putting a muffin right up there move down there for a while just move right back to the knuckle [Applause] [Applause] from North Dakota Oh South Dakota [Applause] are you from uh from Ohio right there I'm in the wooded areas there [Applause] one time they stand up once there's a good reason for that now if the cific water is called you gotta wear a full-body wetsuit Kelly Slater didn't tell me you got a zip it up in the back so jump in the water it fills up with 400 pounds of fighting evil in my pants I got an ecosystem swimming around this is so wonderful no good to be here Michigan you guys realize you have a beautiful state right we went to a why recently beautiful state whole ayah is funny when we was like a family vacation or a Union trip and so funny in the planning stages because I can't being heckled by two year old maybe let me hear you little guy let's shut your mouth okay in a Christian way of being that [ __ ] come on man there's some beautiful stuff in the Bible there's some stuff in there you gotta admit it's not what we can call family-friendly think about it there's a reason you don't see some of those illustrations in the Precious Moments Bible you don't see Cain and Abel in the Precious Moments the other in that precious so like I'll never understand parents who will paint Noah's Ark on their kids little kids bedroom walls it doesn't make sense Noah's arks a great story but it's just out there man it's like daddy what are you doing I'm painting Noah's Ark on your wall sweetheart my favorite story you know where God sends a worldwide flood to kill every living thing yeah I love it it's awesome hey grab a brush and paint some screaming people on that rock for me just to make it rip it's gonna be great [Music] [Applause] look in the baby's room I painted the stoning of Stephen

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 84,726

Keywords: clean comedy, christian comedy, tim hawkins, stand up, comedian tim hawkins, christian comedian tim hawkins, clean jokes, tim hawkins christian, clean comedian, christian comedian, best jokes, stand up comedy, tim hawkins comedy, stand-up comedy, clean comedy stand up, clean comedy christian, clean comedy stand up playlist

Id: RIGin6tURzY

Length: 7min 57sec (477 seconds)

Published: Fri May 17 2019