Tim Dillon Funniest Podcast Moments: Chapter 5

jung yang monkey the old school rappers are just better like even silver shocker who was horrifying it was a horrible rapper is probably better than some of these new age white you know like jada kiss i grew up with real music jadakiss is the best my father and mother used to play jadakiss around the house my father and mother loved the locks they were just an irish catholic family and they loved the love i love the locks yeah and i just grew up with like going to concerts like i remember we went to the united palace which was a theater in harlem when we saw jadakiss noriega styles p foxy brown and he you know saw that song i get high i get everybody's just smoking weed like yeah those were good times you were mommy that was a family rap concert in the middle of it they tell you to vote yeah no no can you imagine like does anything feel less cool in the middle of a concert people being like are you registered it's like what no could you imagine what could you imagine yeah like a jay-z concert or like a freaking r.i.p dmx concert they put out a video of greta thumber yeah i don't want that yeah or here's why it's wrong what i would rather you not do is like lie and conceal your feelings forever and have that burn you up that's one of the reasons i think that all these people are like how did trump get elected was it this was it that they just got rid of alex jones and i don't think it's any of that alex jones thing's [ __ ] it's it's wild it's wild here's the thing i don't i don't really listen to infowars yeah but i do listen to him when he's on road again i gotta be honest with you he's the most entertaining person in the world i mean i hate listen is it bad sure am i gonna get in trouble for saying this yes does he incite violence maybe the point i'm making okay the point i'm making is purely forget morals forget any of this take yourself back to smoking weed in the back of a car in 11th grade yeah when you were just like things were just funny or they weren't yeah they were just entertaining they weren't you either watched it and went what the [ __ ] is this i heard alex jones okay go on a rant about [Laughter] demons like literal demons for 20 minutes 20 minutes hard about demons and let me tell you right now i and he started a show at night and he was like this goes ladies and gentlemen he goes we are bracing this first words out of his mouth he goes ladies and gentlemen we are bracing for thermonuclear war and i'm like how do you how do you not yeah how do you not laugh how do you not be entertained i mean i think murder should be a 10-year trip i'm a boy i'm a lawyer and a judge are you no ten years in and out but i served on a trial it's the same thing okay so i was i was in this trial this is true and that was what and the guy kind of liked me this dude he kind of like we had a kinship he was like a chubby spanish guy and every now and then i would i would be eating chips like the corner would be like and he stabbed her in each eye and i'd be eating chips and the judge would shoot me a look and then i would just kind of go like this i'd be like and then the fat defender would be like you know it was fun we had a good rapport yeah and i dropped altoids once and i went all over the place and he just cackled like a madman and this is in the middle of hearing how he brutally brutally murdered uh the mother of his children to the point where the the the medical examiner's like we stopped we didn't know how we stopped at 60 how many times he stabbed yeah we stopped at 60 because the tissue damage was so much we couldn't tell how how many but it was boom boom and in the middle of that i dropped out towards he went all over the place and literally he went like this he went i just realized i thought it was funny too i was like i don't mean him we're laughing it was wildly inappropriate um real quick what do you do we have an anxiety tuesday segment uh uh by the way this podcast eventually can get rid of the segments i mean i feel like you know we should probably stop doing the segments at some point but we're only 13 episodes in but we have an anxiety tuesday segment on this podcast where we talk about mental health what you do to help your mental health in a positive way do you do anything do you have an affirmation or do you meditate or do you walk what do you do when i get anxious yeah and when i feel like things aren't going well for me and i feel like i'm you know i'm feeling panicky right you know what i mean and this is literally and i'm recommending this to everyone because and i'm not joking i'm like i'm not even kidding and you go oh he's gonna have a joke to hear this but i'm dead serious about this literally when i feel like i can't go on anymore i do something which people do and i didn't even know that it helped anxiety and it's called heroin i do heroin yes and it is so helpful to me because you're in a state of euphoria you actually your eyes roll back in your head and you're kind of like not even on the planet anymore and you feel like you're floating and it's been described as the most intense orgasm you've ever had times a million right wow it's just endless feelings of euphoria true euphoria that you can't really get from walking or meditating uh you can't get to there like a lot of people say you can they're full of [ __ ] heroin black tart china white whatever it is you have to shoot it and you can't skin pop okay you have the main lines you have to find a vein yes and then you have to inject it deep into your vein okay and and and but here's how good it is um halfway through the injection you it's over and then sometimes you don't even have the strength to pull the needle out of your hand that's so you just kind of lay left out and then you're like you fidget with that yeah so i mean that's what i do life experience geography none of that matters i love i love when like a black chick comes to my show by herself and she goes i'm a huge fan [ __ ] yeah i like that so much more when a guy that looks like me he says are my family who gives a [ __ ] when a small asian elderly woman comes up to me at the end of this which i've never had happen he's very honest that's never happened in real life okay never happened ever but i want that to hap like i want her to come up to me not even speak just nod and then walk out and that's what i'm waiting for that's why that's why i keep doing it as well [Laughter] that's exactly what i've wanted that's what i want i don't need a [ __ ] guy from you know the suburbs of chicago who looks like he failed a police test like i did and you know blamed it on jews or something telling me i thought that was a good rant yeah of course you did of course you did yeah so the money is there's a lot of cognitive dissonance in l.a between what it is and what people project they project that's where you get that mainstream liberal kind of like we care about everybody but the reality is they don't this industry is essentially human trafficking yeah i mean it's built on the bodies of destroyed human beings and you kind of see them you could see them as they get out of their cars to sell real estate or to wait tables and they they they they're pensive and cat-like and they're they're they're always you know yeah and they they just look like uh and they smell like cigarettes and vicodin and the viking doesn't have a smell but it's kind of that chalky tough feel and they're just hollowed out husks of human beings and that's who the business is really built on the failures the demon there's a great broadway show right now called the ferryman it just won a tony for best play it's really good you probably don't see plays right but it's good i mean it's or but you read books ever you're a book guy that's what i thought yeah so but it's if you by accident if you're ever whatever if you have to do it but what if i'm in jail the play right then i'll read [ __ ] but there's this great quote from greek mythology where there's all there's like a thousand undead souls wandering the earth waiting for the ferryman to take them to hell they can't even get to hell or heaven they can't get anywhere the kid would get in the hades they're just undead wandering looking for the ferment and that's kind of how i feel about l.a yeah you just look at people this is the undead this is the undead you look at them and then some of them are doing great yeah then there's a lot of people here where it's like oh you're just waiting for someone to say that's enough now that's enough somebody goes up to us you're just serving a cappuccino to some businessman you're hoping he notices the shape of your face and yeah lets you do something i want you on a sitcom you want some old nice woman to come in and go hey hey honey and she's warm she smells like grandma and she says hey that's enough now why don't you come home maybe they shouldn't be heroes maybe they don't belong on a kid's show uh so i disagree with the what jeremy jeremy said about it because uh i think cops are heroes and they have to have a difficult job but we have to have them all that's also gay to be like cops are heroes why am i not constantly being interviewed on everything i mean doesn't that disturb you it disturbs me why is anyone allowed to talk except me like because that's so gay like it's so easy to just shut her down he's like cops heroes i want to suck the [ __ ] i know a lot of cops that aren't heroes can we cut it start with the hero [ __ ] by the way no one's a hero no cops nurses military firefighters no one's a hero we all have jobs yes stop stop with this horse [ __ ] heroes are from fictional narratives and books and odysseys and stuff you're a hero when you [ __ ] start doing it for free it's your job yes you saved a woman in a laundromat because you're in a you're an emt you're not a hero shut up i hate this [ __ ] i ate heroes nurses or corona they started acting like they had no idea anyone would get sick you're a nurse i'm sorry you didn't get to just hang around stealing percocet and you had to do your [ __ ] job did someone drug you like how like how did that happen and he was like i was tired from what yeah yeah like i there there are parts of people's personality that they do put on other people and go oh i'm like this you must be like this right well that's the thing and it's like i like having a friend like that because he does push me into those things where he's like try to meet more people go out they do all those things and i think that that's cool to have somebody who's not just like [ __ ] let's talk about the business so let's talk about comedy you know that is something cool about having a friend like that but it's just so funny because like that's that's what he's all about every profile picture it's him and uh you know his girlfriend i'm all about i'm like chicky's matt that's him yeah that's what i'm about i'm [ __ ] that's what he's putting out there just want to let everybody know i'm [ __ ] that's it i don't care what else you know i think if i were 911 memorial with the chick are you straight up hot check at the 911 memorial tits out like boom i'm [ __ ] and and remembering but [ __ ] like that's this is what he's about yeah city's about like i would do a shitty thing where i'd be like visited the 911 memorial dan at dinner at carbone what a restaurant you know like something stupid where it's like oh dude don't go you know yeah but it's just it's the lens you know that's so [ __ ] interesting yeah the uh how was the netflix special it was fun man i mean it was good i mean who's on it it's me taylor thompson i know you've had here uh taylor used to tour with me jack knight very funny uh some people from europe uh and i'm gonna [ __ ] up their names a lady from ireland esling aisling assling bee okay we kind of got into a little argument in the in the van on the way over of course you did she goes uh of course i just did it some people's energy is just not for me and my energy is not for people ashling you know i you know i love you yeah uh she did my podcast yeah and um and received i would say substantial amount of backlash [Music] because she's a very opinionated uh well she got in the car started [ __ ] on america straight up morning 9 a.m going for sound check started [ __ ] on american media and everything and then i said something about all my grandparents are from ireland uh and then she goes well why did they leave and i was like well because they're not dogs um you know oh listen i would have paid don't [ __ ] with me money i would have [ __ ] with me you know what i mean you don't you can't come in the van i was like is it not dogs you know hey because i know like she kind of looked away like i don't even know i said it like she definitely heard it but it wasn't like she was just she didn't go crazy after that i think it was just that was when we i was just kind of like uh you know yeah i'm like what are you doing you're coming in here shooting on america like oh you're the media so stupid and in ireland everything's great i'm like is it is it is it really great is that why hordes of people got on boats that were barely [ __ ] seaworthy to get to america the [ __ ] out of here they were tragic people i love ireland they're my people but stop they're [ __ ] tragic they got bathrooms 10 years ago stop can you stop [ __ ] talking america please bathrooms can we stop they had a religious conflict it's two types of white people that believe in slightly different catechism they blew each other up for 100 years can you [ __ ] stop talk about the superiority of ireland but he was saying hey that elder an elderly person an elderly asian person got beat up on the streets of new york last week he's like that's horrible made the front page of the paper it sucks he's like but what they don't tell you is that seven other elderly people were also beat up in new york city that day one of them was killed but none of them none of that gets on the media he was like so it's he was like new york is not really as bad as they say are all of the i think the question really becomes are all of those elderly people blameless yeah you know what i mean like and it's true like i disappointed any of the because i don't i don't want to be ageist and i don't want to think that they can't be a threat right like because that's ageism right so what you're doing is being ageist right i like to think of elderly people as all potential threats yes that they could have started that problem 100 maybe they just didn't finish it for example my father my father did it my father did a quick episode on the patreon yesterday he's 76 years old and he just got the vaccine and people are championing that and i said well you know my father still calls black people coloreds so does he deserve to live yeah well you should have to take a test before you get the vaccine to see how woke you are yeah and if you're worth keeping on planet earth yeah because we just vaccinated everyone over 65 we just vaccinated a lot of racists we kept a lot of racism alive that's truly that's what we did his mother like he he goes trump is doing this whole thing where he's talking about he goes he hit his mother with a brick i've never hit my mother with a brick and he was out there and he was talking and i was like mesmerized and it was this crazy thing yeah me and my friend were in the car we drive to long island from new york city i'm telling you right now i've maybe never laughed as hard as i laughed at that i said what the [ __ ] is going on he's up there going like this he goes he goes he he no he goes he hit his friend with a brick he chased his friend with a hammer and the whole crowd and audience and even the audience is confused dave this is a political speech he's not mentioned anything about taxes policy he's talking about ben carson attacking his mother but the foreign policy economic policy things like that it's not huge like we're just gonna do a lot of what you know obama came in it was like the american military we cannot do things and then we're at war for seven years drone striking every secret prison cia kidnapping it's all the same [ __ ] [Laughter] it doesn't matter it really doesn't matter is trump gonna win i don't think it matters because then they matter yeah because if that matters the name well i don't know you gotta win my vote right i don't know who i'm voting for shut up you shut up eat the cake shake die eat the cake shake it down [ __ ] have a say you don't have to say imagine you had a say in schaumburg illinois eating a [ __ ] heart attack imagine someone came to you and said what do you think the trade policy would be you don't have this you've never had a say but nobody likes that right nobody likes that it's hard to admit people want to have you you don't have to say you think you do because you vote it's fun you go this team and my team and you and me yeah they don't get they start they're bomb why did we go into libya anyone explain that we fund saudi arabia they're doing a genocide in yemen they don't ask they don't go uh hello okay they don't shut down at denny's for five minutes ago uh everyone along with your checks we are going to hand out a slip of paper are you pro or against the genocide in yemen that we're currently funding yes check no x thank you we're tabulating balance we're going to decide no one cares what you think

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Views: 92,051

Rating: 4.9029584 out of 5

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Id: IWxMlgb5Cig

Length: 17min 41sec (1061 seconds)

Published: Sat May 15 2021