Maybe The Second Funniest Podcast Compilation Ever

[Music] no like a penis in your mouth i mean there is that time in college did you i went to a phase where i was gay uh no i never have never had a dick in my life have you bobby bobby wait a minute bobby hold on hold on sir yeah you know already no i don't yeah i have you have yeah god i love how honest to you i'm not guessed i know you're not what happened i mean what set the set the whole scenario well um when i was when i was in high school okay when i was nine i got molested by a guy with down syndrome laugh brandon i'm not laughing why'd you laugh it's just that's [ __ ] rude it's such a curveball i know can i just say something i'm going to say it again and if you smile i'm going to leave okay okay okay don't be real if you smile all right all right give me a second don't you give me a second all right i just wasn't ready for that i understand i'm gonna say it again and if and if you smile i'm gonna leave well don't all right hold on we can't threaten or smile all right just hold on no because then you're going to laugh don't laugh get serious please open up here when i was you ready don't cover your mouth though either hey you can't cover your mouth the thing is that i you know i'm telling you something that's like a it's i'm vulnerable right now and i'm expressing i'm trying to a truth to you hey dude you gotta get serious and if you cover your mouth i just feel like you're laughing nope let's do it all right so when i was nine i was brutally molested by okay you can't say brutal boy because that's a curveball because don't say and look at chin now it's not a curve don't say brutally you didn't add some all right adjectives there so when i was nine years old um every day for a summer you can't throw [ __ ] in there why because you [ __ ] i can't why can't i every day that's true i'm going to hell no i'm just addicted i'm just adding more yeah every day you couldn't avoid them for god's sake all right hold on yeah all right don't all right let's try it again don't just how about this how about this i'm not going to add more information the information that i have on the table expect that and i'm not going to add more all right okay i'm ready hold on hold on so when i was nine years old every day for a summer i was brutally molested by a guy with down syndrome the biggest chinatown in the world outside of china until 1959 was cuba oh i didn't know that cuba had the biggest chinatown san francisco maybe that cuba would eat it up until 1959. wow until fidel took over they had the biggest chinatown and influenced cuba that's why when you go to a chinese a cuban restaurant when you go to a cuban restaurant the last thing on the menu is cuban style chinese fried rice oh you know i i'm gonna pay attention i do acupuncture because my mother did acupuncture when we were kids every like thursday my mother drove me down to chinatown with my minerals and herbs what good did it do she snorted the colombians always win you know i used to go to acupuncture to stop snorting coke yeah and she put like a needle in my ear and i'd still smoke coke that night the needle would fly out of my ear are you gonna wear those sunglasses the whole time you know what i don't even realize when they're on or or off anymore what does that mean because you know why because my my life is that cool okay so when i have sunglasses on indoors i don't realize it okay so i want to ask you something yo don't do that go ahead and shoot pogba you you are welcome welcome to fighter in the kid yes i know crystalia is guesting now well is it well looks like this first of all your shoes make you those are lifts obviously they're not like the outside of the dude i'm six too well but those shoes make you six seven oh they're not they're air maxes dude you're acting like they're [ __ ] well and they're gold right they're gold yeah well they're mad they're like you know socks don't go i don't care because i'm not into fashion no that's obvious slam you start out with a [ __ ] grand slam not a slam hey man we got a bunch of [ __ ] specials here at denny's but you just wanted the good old-fashioned grand slam that wasn't a slam and your mouth is twisted in such a disrespectful manner be respectful okay i'm respectful dude you know what i actually am respectful and i'll tell you why and i'm gonna take off my sunglasses because i'm gonna be respectful here and i'm not a piece of [ __ ] and what does a non-piece of [ __ ] do comes comes bearing gifts i got you from a gift from starbucks it's not i can't i know you like this stuff nope i can't eat that you know why jerry and i have psoriasis because it's sweet sweet it's simply strawberry from starbucks and i got it for you now i drink a black [ __ ] iced americano now that's as hard as it gets dude and i got that for you because you're a sweet tart tartan ass that's why man i got you that pink [ __ ] simply strawberry it cost about 450 and that didn't make a [ __ ] dent but i got it for you because you're a sweet tart tartan ass dude i don't like chatty people yeah i don't like to sit when someone wants to engage with me like airplanes or anywhere where you stuck with somebody yeah i don't want to chat i don't want to chat with you man i'm not a chatty guy one lady i remember one time i had pretty bad body gas on a um flight right you were were you letting it out slow well there was nothing i could do it was almost like something had just i don't know like a ghost was in me and didn't want to come out all at once and there was a lady next to me i kept blaming it on a baby you know because i had a baby nearby [ __ ] babies yeah and it's a girl too first i thought it was a boy that was a girl baby then i felt so bad you know there is something [ __ ] up about blaming it on a girl baby yeah it's kind of yeah that's mean but then at one point the lady was really buying into that it was this baby creating this scent so she kept looking at the baby yeah and the the lady was getting so pit the lady next to me getting so pissed at this [ __ ] baby and then one time brother was once she goes oh that one was warm and i was like god i got to get some help from myself sometimes when i have to fart on airplanes i'll get up and on the way to the bathroom i'll fart through the aisle oh my that's one of my favorite things to do i don't like any of those people on the plane anyway i don't like any of those humans i feel like every time you get on any airplane they they call that go in a jersey if you fart down the middle of the eye going to jersey that's the turnpike i take the turnpike all the way to the bathroom i like to fart go to the bathroom wash my hands and then wait about a minute and then when i come out you know people in the aisles are doing this yeah yeah and i walk by and i go ugh and they then they then they think i think it's them and that and they go like this [ __ ] pig yeah night that was australia it was nice yeah yeah have you been down there no i've never been down there what do they call they call lobsters bugs out there yeah they do well they're in the restaurant they are the bug family shut the [ __ ] up about animals i'm just talking about australia thank you and he was so happy to go yeah why do we call them bugs because the yeah i'm gonna tell you this right now yeah yeah yeah yeah watch your tongue oh okay what's gonna happen what are you gonna do use some of that boxing you've been doing oh she was [ __ ] disrespectful [ __ ] you shut up brian 21 22 year old kids it's like that's what we would do we're trying to meet women this is a joke when i was 19 i used to go around with a slingshot my boy had a slingshot we would go we would break bus terminal windows on francis lewis boulevard and we would just [ __ ] shatter bus terminal windows if i was a lot if i was a 19 year old kid right now i'd be at the protest [ __ ] breaking windows of police precincts when i was 19 i was [ __ ] lending [ __ ] janitors 800 000 to buy their dream home on long island and now they're dead in the streets so who cares so if i come to you right now let's go back you're the you're a mortgage broker in long island i meet you in a diner which is you call your office the imperial diner of freeport absolutely phenomenal yeah you got to make it real yeah so it's the imperial diner in freeport on merrickrobe yeah you say meet me at the office and you i hear you hey i will spill hot coffee in here by mistaken looking and go yeah yeah and when you tell me to meet you at your office i hear the clang of a pay phone when you hang up yeah and so i meet your office i come in and i say hey how you doing nice to meet you mr dylan me and my wife just got married um you know i'm a comedian i i saved up about 80k um uh you know she wants to live we're having a baby yeah i'm very glad can i get a loan not only can you get a loan but let me let me tell you something yeah how much that 80k are you prepared to spend on the property i don't know uh mr dillon i you know i'm pretty conservative guys saved every single dollar from my how much how much you prepared to spend um hold on let me go into maurice's branch no no of that eighty thousand how much would you like to spend are you willing to spend all of that i i'm gonna spend i'm willing to spend about 60 or 70 of it mr pappas guess how much of that 80 you're gonna have to spend how much nothing what nothing you're not going to spend anything because let me explain something to you sit down the wife is lovely would you like a cup of coffee yeah here's the thing i get pancakes yeah you can get anything the bricks and sticks of your house yeah appreciate the frame the land they appreciate value you know what your money does in your house for you mr pappas it does absolutely nothing you know what the wealthiest people do with real estate mr pappas a lot of them finance it why because your mortgage is your only tax write-off it is the only write-off is your only [ __ ] weapon against the federal government the larger the loan you take the better it is for you financially and you take that eighty thousand dollars and i'm not wrong by the way and you put while i'm a little and you put it in tax exempt securities like roth iras mr pappas you maximize the amount of of tax exempt retirement accounts that you put your money in with that eighty thousand dollars you make it work for you you do not sync it into a house yes or yes so the reality is this we're taking the biggest loan possible mr pappas will set you free now sign this piece of paper for christ and at that point you and your wife are crying yeah yeah and then we sign papers then you go die but how do you get the loan from the bank they're giving them away what are we doing we're talking about now we're back in the day we're back in the day yeah you go to bank i said kelly we got one and kelly i said mr pappas and his wife brittany's from long island they want to go buy a piece of marble hunk of [ __ ] and kelly has got coke running down her nose from last night she's got a [ __ ] double tall non-fat latte from starbucks non-fat she's not getting anyone and she nails it down and she says let me she makes all the paperwork look like it should look and then my little shitty bank which was called franklin first or new world mortgage or the mortgage zone or the funding hut or whatever it is we send our paper to a [ __ ] even bigger and as similarly shitty bank like a long beach mortgage or a new century mortgage or an argent and those banks we're doing back door deals with jp morgan city group so those banks were underwriting the paper to the to the middle grade banks that were lending money to the dirtbag brokerage operating out of a van places that i worked okay right so when this all you ever played a game hot potato yeah it's an orgy yeah so when so when everything goes wrong you pass it around we're passing around and by the time you sign your mortgage by the time you get your first bill because the other benefit mr pop is you don't pay for two months right for two months you don't pay but are you sure i'm going to be able to afford this mortgage my stand-up comedy career is up and down mr pappas i have watched your stuff i think you're a genius thank you white pygmies everybody white slavery hashtag no racist but you're so lonely yeah it's been lonesome man well i'm trying to stop a masturbation you know it's what do you think about when you masturbate um i think about honestly now at this point i feel i think a little bit about some kind of sexual ideas you know but then i think about how bad i'm going to feel after i'm done masturbating really why do you feel bad basically masturbating to light shame light shame are you are you a you are you a porno guy you watch like red tube or whatever the [ __ ] these days i've been out there man i've been in the it's nasty out there it is nasty it's nasty dude i was just talking about this on my podcast it's nasty some of these videos and people doing all these butt activities and everything and the blood activities you know what the thing is they are like you just gotta it's constantly escalating like everyone's trying to one-up each other in the porn and i don't want to be in it they are aren't they it's just two they sure are i don't need seven guys no what happened to just one-on-one it's why does there have to be a gang bang every time yeah yeah and it's so rough whack-a-mole too if you see some of those gang bangs dude it's like urban whack-a-mole or something and andrew santino has the best just he talks about how a lot of black gentlemen always have their sneakers on during uh pornography that's progressive i never thought of that why did they for grip you really rail at home grip and probably foot is rampant and also i don't know who the [ __ ] been on this carpet it goes back to indoor outdoor like those are kind of outdoor shoes and they have them on indoors full circle with theo i hope you call your podcast full circle i've never gone full circle in my life what's the podcast name this past weekend

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 1,165,474

Rating: 4.8989334 out of 5

Keywords: Theo Von, Chris delia, joey diaz, bobby lee, bill burr, mark normand, chris distefano, tim dillon, andrew schulz, podcast compilation, yinyangmonkey, comedian, podcast, andrew santino, will sasso

Id: AMJXYtvgIjs

Length: 15min 13sec (913 seconds)

Published: Fri May 21 2021