Mark Normand Funniest Podcast Moments: Chapter 5

ying yang monkey what's up everybody welcome to another episode of long days this is the first guest i wanted my first guest to be the hilarious norman and i scored him even though i had to take a plane back from miami to get him it's a long story folks i thought you moved to miami i don't know why here's the thing we had a we've had we had like a whole exchange a whole text exchange yeah for like that spanned like a couple weeks yep and the whole time you thought i lived in miami yes well i was doing the miami improv and i said i saw you on schultz you got a little cheese in you you know you're a little swanky and dancy and some kind of ethnicity so i figured you moved down to miami and said [ __ ] these queefs up here i'm going to florida and uh i was wrong so i said oh he'll he'll he can open for me you know it'll be fun you have cement you're ethnic but you're more ethnic in like a french yes yeah french kind of conquering like a french kind of sweat but you're the ones in louisiana were you guys like conquering french or were you more like french revolution kind of egalite liberte kind of french i know you eat crawfish and it freaks me out it's weird i love you eat on newspapers like [ __ ] irish peasants yeah well you do asians out here stealing our whole peel thing with the you know you see them out there in the restaurant they put the sauce right on the shelf what are you doing you chris stop asian hate stop crawfish hate exactly ruining it but yeah uh yeah my dad's like from france people you know normandy you know it's right in there so uh then my mom's a big sicilian [ __ ] and uh it's that mix and then you throw some cajun in there and a couple of blacks and you got me [Laughter] you know it's interesting to because you you know um i just have to say this you know um how do i say this sing it i i think if i was gay yeah which i'm not jeremy um that i would find you to be cute oh thanks you're cute too have you heard my dick pic story no maybe eight years ago i hooked up with this gal and was like passionate weekend on the road it was amazing she was way out of my league it was highlight of my life so we'd kind of communicate after a few weeks of me leaving and she'd be like send me a dick pic senator dick pic whatever no big deal ah eight months later we stopped talking whatever somebody or tweets at me asks me hey is this your dick and it was a photo of my dick some random guy like minnesota but a good photo no less yeah but it's still my dick so it's not great but i saw my sheets and that's what did it i was like ah those are my dinosaur sheets and so uh that's my race car bed i know that bed anywhere yeah i just didn't respond and it kind of you know flew off into the twitter ether but uh jesus seeing your own dick on a public platform is terrifying that's a bummer and you know it was mine well you got a nice penis though it's all right it's fine it's a civic it's a civic yeah it's like it'll get you places reliable but you know it's not gonna win a race what is this lgbtqip2sa is this one of elon musk's new kids names what is this lesbian gay by okay so lgbtqq ip2 saa stands for lesbian gay bisexual transgender questioning queer intersex pansexual two-spirit androgynous and asexual two-spirit is a term used by some indigenous north americans to describe those who fulfill a traditional third gender ceremonial role the local democracy reporting service said this is what the guy maxie was remember we had we had a guest on the show max he was uh he's like o'hare and makeup guy that i know in here he said he's like uh he's a two spirit he's a two spirit indigenous spirit yeah he's a two speech just he doesn't know what he is he said every day i wake up and i'm a different one of the letters whoa oh man that's gotta be all that's so exhausting i just you know jerk off to whatever gets me going that day dude yeah whether it's a relative or or or a hobo what do i know that's that's how i feel it's like sometimes i'm watching like you know like whatever like lesbian porn sometimes i'm watching porn that looks like my wife and then the other day i was i jerked off to wade boggs because i was just i was just i was just reminiscing about the good old yankee days when he was riding around the horse and i just he was turning me on his bow you know his butt bouncing her up in those pin stripes i missed baseball yeah yeah well it's trying to skew younger and i've jerked off to your wife as well so yeah it's all full circle flip it but yeah pansexual that's somebody who doesn't want the pandemic to end whatever accomplishments you i i had were what she considered just baseline right you had to do but do you think that made you better it made me sadder there's nothing about that experience that made me that catapulted me into anything but like a broken person i hear you you don't look at those medals and go hey that was pretty good yeah damn nothing nothing i have them oh my god one of them is gold-plated do you want one yeah hell yeah i won the southeast asian games i won two gold medals i'll give them to you no don't give them to me mark sell them take them take them no offense but you don't look like no athlete to me no i'm not i was a skateboard kid you were oh big time that was my whole life wait wait wait you're a skater i was i mean i'm old now but yeah but so back because you know i grew up as a second all right don't please don't please don't all right i'm a poser uh please don't please even opened up a skate shop but can't skate ah i opened up a skate shop right [Music] come on man come on man look at my body well that's now you're 61. i'm joking you look great even though you're coming out of your shirt at the bottom [Laughter] i love it i love it please keep it coming out yeah yeah i love being ripped on here we go law 45 teach the need for change but never reform too much at once judgment everyone understands the need for change in the abstract but the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit too much innovation is traumatic and will lead to revolt if you are new to a position of power or an outsider trying to build a power base make a show of respecting the old way of doing things if change is necessary make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past that's brilliant there you go there you go some some kid needs to translate that into like millennial gen z talk like yo fam it's lit when you're yourself [ __ ] you know or some [ __ ] just so everybody gets it because i think it's a little too heavy-handed sometimes but it's all brilliant oh [ __ ] you know what i mean yeah and then you do it people are doing it for you you're very popular in tik tok oh really yeah there's so many just viral videos that's steve byrne there he is but yeah that that's kind of flattering when someone else does that i've had people like mimic my act or lip-sync it you're like oh come on somebody's watching somebody gives a [ __ ] enough to do that yeah yeah is is like do you want to do acting or anything like that i can't act it's not good i just don't care i had to do a i've done a million i've done a million auditions i've never gotten one and i had to do one where my dad died next to me on the couch and they threw me out of the room that bad oh really like get out of here what are you doing yeah i was like oh dad what are you crazy are you dying on us yeah geez louise yeah yeah they're like all right you're wasting our time i was like i drove here from santa monica took three hours yeah we did the march madness uh competition which they used to do with this caroline's comedy club it's like the first thing that like i ever did like the first time like i ever got my name in the paper like everybody got like appreciated by like a comedy club owner but they starts out with 64 comics and you all do a minute joke or 30 second joke and it's like the audience votes collapse who's moving on who's moving on or actually no at that point i think it was a panel of judges it was yes it was the owner of the of the club caroline hirsch the lewis veranda and then they would have like an agent or whatever and then so that's how you move on so like wow i forgot about this i was 100 like completely like brand new into comedy but doing it a year or two like killing it though i knew some of these guys but like nobody like i never like the clubs nobody had ever an agent never heard of me a manager never heard of me but i went all the way to the elite eight of this tournament in the bracket system it's a bracket i kept winning i kept winning and and winning this thing and i was like oh [ __ ] like i've got and it was the final eight was like me norman sam moral i think nick uh this guy nick cobb robinson was there and then i forgot the other ones but anyway my mom said you were one of her favorites she always she always remembered you you sam moral she liked and then harrison greenbaum well he's a gay yeah no he's a nice kid but that was a wild time and it was me and you i think at the end well then one year i got all the way to the championship and it was me versus norman and norman won the scumbag yeah he beat me that was a big deal that was like one and two right there yeah what did you what did you i forgot what you won nothing crazy right you get like 200 bucks and a a fleshlight or something ridiculous you know but you know how cheap caroline's is but yeah that was a big deal and i had like a little i got a little misty after yeah oh i just heard my mom whisper once a fleshlight i'll send her one i got a million of them i got a question for mark what's the worst comedy gig you've ever lived what's the what the worst comedy gig oh my god the worst gig ever probably like i've done a million corporates and i've told this story before but i got this big gig because seinfeld shouted me out and once seinfeld i was at the mets game he shouted you out at that crazy stance wow how crazy is that i was at the freaking mets game that he have you told the story about how he doesn't call you anymore oh yeah yeah yeah we did it we did it on uh we did i i have a for the 25 members at patreon.com christy comedy we do a thing called the chris and eddie show i call edibles eddies where i take an edible with homeless pimp and then they wait 30 minutes and then i do the show on eddie's christian eddie show and i told the story i started reading texts on the patreon from seinfeld oh my god that's wild that's wild dude and i was like oh boy so pimp was like put it at the 25 level that's how we thought of the idea because i was like we got to put it out right he was like yeah but dude you started reading seinfeld texts oh and i was like what do we do he's like what if he put at the 25 dollar level i was like all right yeah let's give her a name and he was like well you took edibles i was like uh the christianity show oh you get to the 30 it's cosby texts oh yeah yeah dude oh yeah i'll start yeah absolutely yeah so you know it's crazy he's shouting me out whatever and it didn't do [ __ ] for my career i thought oh i'll be selling out the next day didn't make a blip yeah i mean it was good for me and my mom fingered herself and all that but other than that it was hey mom oh sorry she knows she's done it and uh yeah so uh what was i saying sorry your mom's distracting me yeah yeah yeah so but what it did do was these corporates hit me up like who's this whiz kid that seinfeld's talking about you know so i got hired by all these giant money money money pharmaceuticals money money was a good year yeah and i bombed every single one of them but this one in particular they bought me a tuxedo they got me a limo to philadelphia in this beautiful ballroom it was a drug company it was like the the oscars for a drugs right for like pills and pfizer and all this [ __ ] and it was a three-hour thing i was supposed to do 15 minutes up top and actually you know jimmy kimlin do the awards show sure ellen degeneres whatever it was billy crystal so i bombed the first 15 minutes this is like the biggest gig of my life how many people do you know what would you say roughly huh how many people i don't know 600 in a ballroom tuxedo it's like oh that's the guy who owns routers and that's the guy who invented the iphone harvey weinstein yeah all those guys were there the whole thing yeah al gore it was crazy oh my god i know and so i got to do all the you know the best uh antidepressant goes to doo dah you know all the drugs that sound like black women's names and so i'm in the tuxedo i go up they hate me already i gotta eat dinner with them too and then they go mark norman the host and i go up there there's a big podium and everything and the first 15 minutes i die zero zero and i'm doing tonight's show like testing normal materials if you're if you ask mark to do his a stuff it's killer shot oh thanks yeah and obviously clean and all that so i was like man this is a tough group but i did one joke about a vibrator but it's very clean it's just i mentioned the word vibrator once i see a woman get up in the back uh she walks out i go ah whatever she's probably menstruating or miscarriaging whatever it is and then i go back uh you know to my act blah blah blah bombing whatever then we go into the awards show and i'm bringing up oh this guy won he comes up says his little thing with the trophy i make fun of him and then they didn't like that so at one point somebody's giving a speech and i have to i have a moment off to the side and this lady in the headset's like get over here get over it she's like you pissed off the ceo's wife she's furious she's chewing him out in the lobby uh i don't know what's gonna happen but it ain't pretty and she's kind of crying a little bit i'm like what is going on back up there i'm like hey the award for uh the best diarrhea pill goes to this guy so he comes out here and then they bring me back they're like you're fired he's pissed the ceo is yelling at me he's like how could you say that my wife is furious you're such a misogynist i'm like what are you talking about this is all tonight show stuff yeah and he i was like i hope for seinfeld he's like you're a disgrace you should be ashamed of yourself they fired me they made me return the tuxedo they gave the stack of cards to some random indian guy and he had to host the rest and they sent me home what did you get paid i had to fight for it but i got like half the money

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 47,216

Rating: 4.9189582 out of 5

Keywords: mork normand, comedian, mark normand podcast, the fughter and the kid, theo von, brendan schaub, bryan callen, funny podcast, comedy podcast, mark normand tfatk, bert kreischer, mark normand funniest moments, hystory hyenas, mark normand yin yang monkey

Id: 8oc17NMk-kE

Length: 13min 51sec (831 seconds)

Published: Thu May 06 2021