Chris Distefano Funniest Podcast Moments: Chapter 4

yo what's up it's sam from union monkey here and just a quick ad before the video begins if you're like me and you love listening to audio books head into the link in my description for a free 30-day trial to audible plus the exciting audible plus catalog offers more than 11 000 pieces of content and more than 68 000 hours of entertainment such as audio boosts and podcasts again that's a link in the description and you can cancel this free trial at any time now enjoy the video [Music] well yeah because in new york it's like that's the thing it's like no one's gonna invite you over to their apartment because it's a [ __ ] super spreader event it's like at least you can go outside here and just be like chilling but everyone's been nice the only [ __ ] is somebody came up to my my daughter and uh you know my girl and everybody in the park because nobody was wearing masks because we're like oh we're outside in a [ __ ] park balboa park yep and somebody came too yep and somebody came over because that's a great park right there and somebody came over here was like hey can you please have your kids put their mask on pissed down their throats no i didn't say any dude when situated like that happened i say nothing dude i just because they don't realize they just walked into a [ __ ] hornet's nest i mean she's a puerto rican pregnant woman so she was like take one more step close to me and your face is going to be in the sand [ __ ] she goes take one more step your face will be in the sand and they back down i don't know what she said and you know what she said to me she goes as a matter of fact i need you to get the [ __ ] away from my children i don't trust you she's like i don't trust you to get away from my children when she send my children i was like oh she's using the big words she said stay the [ __ ] away from my children get your hand out of my pocket i swear to god i was like oh [ __ ] [Laughter] would you move out here i you know i would only if if i could bring my daughter i i can't i just and i parents who want to you know who say you know what i need to go out there and it's about my career and it'll better my child to be away from them fine no problems but i just i wouldn't be happy if my daughter was on the other side of the country so if i could if i got an opportunity out here yeah so like right now in new york i have you know my hour special and then i sign like an overall deal with comedy central so i'm developing a cartoon about my life with them and it's all in new york so if those things get on and and take off then i could stay in new york but if if it misses again um yeah i mean i got i want this career to work so i would i would i wouldn't mind raising my daughter in l.a i think would you move the mom out too i would move my yeah yeah her mom's career is very flexible right now she's a she's like you know personal trainer she teaches zumba it's like the most stereotypical puerto rican thing to do i'll be doing zumba and [ __ ] that's what i do and she has a tattoo in her tit it's so [ __ ] great she's such like you would see her and be like that girl's so hot but like obviously don't get her pregnant and i just obviously got her pregnant just immediately obviously it's like my boy's like well obviously you pull out she has a tattoo on her tent and i was like nope sign me up for life did you come inside her yes the first time i just pounded her and i blasted my whole load inside her and i was like was that bad and she's like well dude i [ __ ] blasted my whole nut inside her i'm out of my mind i knew it for an hour she was just so hot she was so hot i just couldn't i love puerto rican girls i [ __ ] love spanish women and she was just my type of she was beautiful and we were just making out she was riding me and i just let it fly baby i just let it fly they say it's hard to get people pregnant right yeah yeah i was like well you're not pregnant ryan she was like i mean it all went inside me though the main white kid who stole your little sting this is michael from mesa arizona he's the voice like the state bar guys yeah the reason that the guy doesn't obviously this guy is first team all [ __ ] okay he doesn't need anything else that's why he's not there's no there's no jewelry yeah there's no nose ring there's no diplomas no this guy doesn't need dude anything he has probably 22's with actually i bet he has rockford fosgate 22s this guy he sounds he sounds fully like satan dude like like if the satan could talk in that little nausea video it sounds like this guy 100 dudes i'm going to tell you this if this guy is once an organ it's going to be more [ __ ] bro i am 100 certain this man has throat cancer hole in the back now instead of holding the front [Laughter] i personally considered it but i figured i've abused most of my organs for the last uh 10 15 years or so i'll tell you stop real quick this guy is tired because he has been basically underground railroading his own penis people are [ __ ] decades they're still carrying this thing back and forth this dude's tired because he's on active chemo right now he's not if you panned out dude he's just got ivs everywhere in a haitian wet nurse i bet he has to carry his penis around in a wheelbarrow in front of him this guy his first [Music] try and try and act like it might help somebody so what [Laughter] on the back hard enough frederick douglass will roll out of his tongue samuel jackson comes out you know my grandfather died today by the way rest in peace dead 100 serious wow sorry to hear that this morning died 92 years old really brilliant beautiful guy what a wonderful man you want to know something about my grandfather i think he never worked out his whole life he didn't like super healthy foods 92 what how do you think he died what happened he got shot he got shot 92. he he was cruising in the wrong neighborhood he was throwing up signs i said grandpa you can't go to the south side of chicago and throw up signs yeah and he did it he goes to live my life [ __ ] that's what he was throwing him up he goes yeah and they clipped him they got grandpa maybe he's with them because i because the last time you spoke to me you when your grandfather meant you telling me he was like dangerous because you said he's part of takashi six nines crew he was he was and then my grandfather was takashi is one of takashi's bodyguards yeah yeah he's dead and you know what when they fronted on him about the takashi's chain my grandfather clapped back and so now i think they caught him in the streets they caught up they caught him without security but let's be honest no my grandfather did pass away in rest in peace he was a wonderful dude and the only way you can you can you can um uh give any sort of uh solace to sadness is to have some fun and joke about it absolutely so i'm gonna be coming over there and then i don't know where else i'm gonna be doing a tour but it's gonna be later this year so we're putting the dates together we were supposed to call co-headline maybe something in tampa oh yeah but your [ __ ] agent said no good your agent said told my agent hey listen theo sell 300 times the tickets chris will so they're not co-headlined did he really i said [ __ ] respect i said respect to you but i checked it i said you keep you keep that energy when you see me player until you keep that energy that's mike burke here's the thing i'm going to send my puerto rican girlfriend that's what i'm seeing your [ __ ] ass dude yeah dude because if i hit you it'll be a hate crime because i look like i look like young though chrissy what we should do is the three of us should do one show somewhere let's do it yeah phoenix i could tell about theo's response it was immediate no he's not in you and i will get together we'll do it i need to do it dude i've been uh yeah i'm am i stand up i'm gonna be out doing stand up again in the summer but until then because i got to do this backyard bar war [ __ ] christy comedy.com patreon.com christy comedy i'm putting out content there that i'm the most proud of so go check that out in my podcast chrissy chaos and hey babe tuesdays and thursdays comes out god you're staying busy man i got to do it baby i mean i got [ __ ] my kid and i got a second kid on the way due date july 4th the only two options for that name you know it dude my baby's born july 4th what's the name theodora [ __ ] donald absolutely you get a spanish female donald trump dog that's elected yeah yo i mean dude if i got a puerto rican daughter named donald trump and you still don't want to subscribe to my patreon that's your fault but now i feel like doing like you poc your podcast joe rogan theo vaughn all you guys like that's like doing the tonight show like you and i talking right now will get more people to potentially notice me than if i did a five minute [ __ ] dumb set on any late night show you know and it's like and i would still be privileged and honored to do it but it's like i don't care like some of my peers back in new york that like get bummed out if they don't do a late night show i'm like why would you care just call burke chrysler go on his [ __ ] show and then he's just he's letting him in with no shoes on right now he's just barefoot david letterman in his [ __ ] dude letterman when i do letterman john travolta was the other guest oh my god bro so you ever made meet him no he's so [ __ ] weird he he he was we were down i never forget he was on and then he comes off and i'm like waiting to go on next you know it's like nerve-wracking whatever my suit and he stops and he goes ooh nice suit big boy like just first thing and i was like i was like i was like hi john and then and then he goes um he goes are you nervous and i was like yes you know he goes well you've already done this and i said well no i i haven't i'm going on next he goes no you've already done this and then he put his hand on my chest it was so [ __ ] bizarre he put his hand on my chest and he was like i can feel your heart beating and i'm talking to your heart telling it to slow down because i'm sure that you've auditioned this for the bookers many times and the hard work is already done now you've already done it you just have to go through the motions and do it but trust me the work is done and he really like legit calmed me down shut the [ __ ] i swear to god like my heart started to he did like that [ __ ] like that whatever religious [ __ ] and it slowed my heart rate down and then he said i'm going to watch you every moment because he said i want this moment i want to share this moment with you and i will stand here and watch you every moment and he would say and he told me go be great now and i was [ __ ] pumped and i had like and i had still like the best scent i've ever done on tv was that i was the best like the most comfortable i ever was was on that moment and and my ex-girlfriend was there at the time she saw the whole thing happening and when i came back i was like oh my god like i was great and when i was like where's john and she goes he left immediately after you went on stage and i was like i [ __ ] love john travolta for that like everyone all those allegations started coming back i was like it's probably true but i just don't care i just love johnny t he left immediately he pumped me up and did all that [ __ ] and then just left have your emotions been through your emotions are better now because yeah because you were used to be a wreck but at times it goes back was your wreck when he first met he was a wreck when he first met him yeah well not a rat cutting my own hair not a wreck no dude no i remember yeah you used to wear those pants you still i remember we called them locomotive pants you used to wear pants like a train conductor and and aboard yelling all aboard the morning dude yeah i remember one time my friend told me you were in one of the punch lines and you forgot your pants dude you didn't even pack pants for a [ __ ] whole weekend and you had to borrow the features pants i remember that and that's the theo that that's the theo that i that i remember a lot man and i um yeah dude i just know i'm gonna give a fire speech at your eulogy he's gonna be higher dude thanks and then i'm gonna die soon after that don't make no mistake i'm gonna drive i'll be shortly behind shortly after that yeah i see my cd's flared up brandon will be the only one that comes up at my eulogy he'll come up to shitty music [Laughter] oh dude would be i would love to see brendan i'm also going to sell merchants oh classic dude is that like yeah dude brendan came up with eulogy and just [ __ ] i would love to see it oh and put it on tick tock immediately your theory go boom [Laughter] dude you're one of the only guys who i'm almost 100 sure your funeral is going to be outside you're going to do it outside i know you're going to do it outside dude on a field bro you're going to piss people off there's going to be free mushrooms when you walk out you're going to do your whole [ __ ] outside [ __ ] joey diaz is going to be out there he'll probably jump in the hole right after me dude he's on his way out imagine murdering a [ __ ] in the streets and then doing and then speaking at his funeral and doing a docu-series about how you murdered that [ __ ] dude that's so mean dude that's like that we've killed you here's how i killed him dude this that's like [ __ ] giannis told me when you know a great young papas he got shot in his early 20s he got shot and the guy who shot him did 12 years in prison and then came out and started doing a one-man show about him yeah he's like sent them tickets to the show go to right here there's a link i shot yan.com right down below dude and i when he told me that i was dying laughing and he because it's hysterical i was like dude you should go to the show and he was like i can't go to this you have to go to that show the guy who shoots you put on a show go what do you expect dude i was i was like dude that's so funny you lived cause he probably you know and i'm sure the show sucked i mean this guy was [ __ ] doing it in prison how amazing it would be if he got a netflix special before yanni about shooting him netflix presents yeah that's just dude that's it it was april 12th night brandon yeah what do you mean my scene isn't the team capable of it he just doesn't seem no like he's the type of guy like if i got to fight with him i'd be nervous but i'm like oh if i could just tickle him in the right spot he'll fall down but it won't the truth is he'll rip my head off and [ __ ] down my neck okay that's the truth like i got more jokes lined up for brandon but i'm scared to do them most likely to use the bathroom before the fight don't you guys use the bathroom before i pee like crazy yeah yeah you got to pee dude nobody broke your neck in there yeah you ever get knocked down oh [ __ ] you ever get knocked out and wake up as a different person like do your personalities get knocked around yeah knocked out so did you start did you actually get the idea to become a comedian after a knockout or was that something way before what if he just woke up from a fight and he just takes bruce buffer's mind starts doing five minutes it starts to do it like damn that guy had knocked brendan into a new career he woke up he's dave attell i'm gonna stand up live next week and i'm out [ __ ] hilarious dude so dude when you leave here you're going to do work today you're working on a television show do you think you're bad on us because you're on tv no dude i actually got two weeks off i'm hosting a show for true tv called backyard bar awards and um and uh it's called bbw i've been calling it bbw like you can't say that i'm like dude i'm saying i have to say you can't now they're legalizing acronyms

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 99,301

Rating: 4.9249811 out of 5

Keywords: chris distefano, yinyang monkey, chris distefano funniest podcast moments, chris distefano compilation, comedy, stand up comedian, your moms house, tfatk, joe rogan, this past weekend, theo von

Id: fRLzjT_aFF8

Length: 16min 14sec (974 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 20 2021