Babies Look Like Potatoes. Andy Hendrickson - Full Special

next time should give it a couple weeks let the baby air out a little bit so yeah it's nice the whole family's uh close by i like that um my brother like i said he's down in san diego he's the overachiever in the family this is all true he went to naval academy he became a navy seal he went to harvard and got his master's in business so there you go yeah hey andy how come you're so pale ah just my brother's shadow my whole life you need some sunscreen no spf brian i'm okay i swear this is true right when i moved out to los angeles he was promoted to admiral in the navy sounds like i'm making up a person but it's true and it's a it's a great accomplishment i'm very proud of them and uh but the time was kind of funny because i moved out to los angeles for a project that fell through almost like the day after i got there so i was in a bad place and i went down for the ceremony and everyone's there and was like oh my gosh your brother's an admiral that's so amazing i'm like yeah i know i'm so proud they're like we haven't seen you in like 10 years what are you been up to like well i just moved out to la for the same but it didn't work out but you know it's fine i just uprooted my whole life and it's good you know i'm networking doing the whole hollywood show but i mostly tell jokes and bars for drink tickets that's my main income right now it's pretty good i'm depressed it's good doing all right yeah so but you know he's only a one star admiral right i mean it goes up to four stars so he's he's like the worst of all the admirals if you think about it like if the admirals have a picnic he has to carry the cooler that's his job yeah he had a baby that was really exciting for everyone in the family there's three boys we're all a little bit older that was the first baby and the out of the boys it was very exciting time for everyone the family he was so excited about the baby he snapped up the photo of the baby like 15 seconds after the baby was born and texted it out to everyone in the family which was uh too soon is what it was yeah just a little too soon we like to tease in our family i called them i was like hey man congratulations the baby's going to be beautiful very soon uh next time should give it a couple weeks let the baby air out a little bit develop some features because new parents always want to know like what do you think it looks like mommy or daddy i think it looks like a potato kind of right now potato with ice my brother yeah he's funnier than me that stinks i did this for a living it's true he fixes my jokes and stuff i'll give you an example one night we're out we're having a couple drinks i was talking with him he doesn't like to talk about his success he's very modest so i figured let me let me get it out of him right now while he's loosened up i was like hey man just tell me what's the secret to your success he looks at me goes you just watched the full season of that kardashian show didn't you i was like yeah he goes well i didn't he's like wow he just put me down taught me a life lesson and wrote me a joke all in one move yeah i like this job being a commentator traveling around me great people i used to have an office job small office was 13 people 10 women yeah that's right first day i was like sweet two weeks later i was like crap i'm not picking on these women they were lovely people but sometimes little tiny things would get blown way out of proportion i'd walk through the break room like hey what's wrong oh betsy she just took the last cup of coffee she didn't even make a new pot it says right on the wall next to the coffee machine you kill it you fill it she dresses like she's homeless [Laughter] what's that got to do with coffee that's not we weren't even talking about that great job been doing it a long time lots of travel with this job long drives i drive so much i have dreams about it you guys ever that dream that you're driving down the highway right then you wake up and you're driving down the highway that's it's kind of a scary one isn't it i fly a lot too i like the airport that's the only place you get to see people who are really out of shape running at full speed you know like if you were late for everything you'd be in really good shape buddy oh cinnabon i'll stop you right in your tracks the cinnabon starbucks every 10 feet at the airport that's my favorite i slept at a starbucks at the airport over the holidays a few years ago they were doing a promotion they asked me if i wanted to buy a pound of coffee to send off to the troops i was like sure i'll do that then the lady puts me on the spot she goes well we write him a message and we send it to him what kind of message you want to send like gee i don't know uh stay alert i guess ah [Applause] don't put that kind of pressure on me lady i'm getting coffee here i just get the small cup of coffee it's the cheapest thing you can buy at the starbucks that's a that's how they hook you is the gateway drug to all the other stuff they saw there buy a small cup of coffee people are hanging out typing stuff there's weird music on finally one day you break down like hey can you get one of those frozen things with the whipped cream right there they got you you're sucked in i've seen it happen the people ordering in front of me they're so far gone down the starbucks rabbit hole there's no coming back from that place hi could i get the half calf decaf soy latte caramel macchiato skinny two pumps of vanilla no foam no whip shot of espresso make that cold lay ice three sugars a splenda and a sweet and low grande and a vintage cup with room for cream like how do you know how to order that that used to be coffee the person behind the counter is even more amazing they're like yeah i got it like when you got a chip in your brain or something yeah i drink a lot of coffee i i gotta cut back it gives me anxiety i have trouble sleeping at night i'm one of those people i worry i lay there in bed my girlfriend she smells people she falls right asleep good night two seconds later she's out cold selfish is what that is stay up and worry with me i got things to work out i got to replay conversations from like a year ago i was kind of rude to that guy at the gas station i don't know i don't know how i typed it that email was kind of weird let me see how i typed up that email especially if i have a lot to do i cannot sleep right my buddy said here's what you got to do before you go to bed write yourself a to-do list you just get it all off your mind and you'll sleep better so right before bed i tried it i wrote it to do this then i just laid in bed going i got a lot of stuff to do i better get up have some coffee or something i tried a guided meditation app i don't know has anyone's ever tried that it does it didn't work for me at all i mean it seems like it would work the guy has a real nice smooth easy voice he's talking to he's like picture yourself you're floating down the river there's not a cloud in the sky instantly my anxiety kicks in i'm like oh i'm gonna need some sunscreen here i don't know how long is this trip i need snacks how do i get back to my car i'm going down the river how do i get back to my car they got uber here [Music] someone who suggested i switch over to tea hot tea or herbal tea right something about it though it's kind of fancy you know there's string involved i won't do it i wow it's a thing in my head even if someone orders a hot tea across the table from me i kind of get this thing like they're sitting there judging me like you know i'm just a little bit better than you are yeah yeah enjoy your coffee you savage i have balance in my life yeah yeah namaste egg whites right thank you it's a very british thing the tea now the americans we got upset with the brits back in the 1700s we pushed all their tea into the boston harbor you guys probably remember that from history class i don't remember why we did it because i went to public school but something to do with the tea okay we got angry with the tea we tried to drown the tea and you can't drown tea just makes more teeth they didn't think it through then we're like how can we get back of those brits with their hot teeth iced tea that's how we did it that's american you gotta sip you to your pansies we're gonna chug it yeah usa usa hey let's add six pounds of sugar to this stuff usa usa what about red bull and ginseng and a 40 ounce can you my goodness my pants don't fit that's the history of america that's how it all went down so yeah i live out in los angeles now i moved out there a couple years ago i was in new york for a long time before that it's an interesting city it's expensive i had a roommate up until the age of 42. that's not funny i'm a grown-up guys like to have roommates they call them wives and children i called mine keith keith is from the south he's very sarcastic he used to always correct my grammar that's not a good combination i walk into the part and he's like hey man how you doing like i'm doing good he goes actually you're not doing good see when you say that it implies you're out the community doing good for mankind you should say i'm well let's try it again how you doing i'm angry yeah i'm gonna smother you in your sleep keith stop making smoothies at 6 00 a.m or comics dude come on [Music] he's devout catholic he gives a sign on the cross before every meal but he didn't do before snacks i think that's cheating okay come on keith so los angeles is all right i've been out there like i said a couple years about a year into i wasn't sure what i felt about the place there's a lot of people got opinions about los angeles it's different especially than the east coast and so i remember about a year until i was at the airport and i remember thinking to myself at the time's like wow i can't wait to come home like i think whoa i think i think i like it here then i'm waiting in the gate area and right in the gate area some guy starts doing yoga i'm like oh that's right i hate it here yeah that's right i don't know there's that whole kind of like i don't know hippy dippy thing that's going on there in l.a like my neighbor she's into that she's like i meditate three hours a day i'm very spiritual i was like i think you're very lazy actually you should get a job do something i like that my my apartment is i like it's bigger it has a hose that was exciting for me i was in new york for eight years never had a hose i went for a jog i came back i saw the hose something came over me i decided to have a drink from the host remember doing that as a kid yeah there's a very specific taste to the host it was nostalgic i felt young again i wish it was an option when you went out like would you like sparkling or tapping like do you have hoes i would love something like a home depot garden green maybe that'd be nice everyone's super healthy they're on all these weird health kicks out there same neighbor taught me to doing a 10-day juice cleanse you know what those are you just no food just drink juice for 10 days straight no food she's like you got to do it it eliminates all the toxins in your body i made it like two days because it eliminates all the toxins in your body also eliminates all the joy in your soul yeah yeah forgot to tell me that part neighbor two days in i'm like i'm sorry uh i i'm gonna eat your dog i'm sorry i smelled him last night and i got i'm hung i want to eat them so yeah it's pretty cool out there i uh i have family out there my brother lives two hours south my dad's two hours south in san diego my mom just moved out there so that's nice my brother settled down he got married that was cool it was a great wedding went down there for the wedding i was real nice i've been to some crazy weddings i had a friend got married she married a professional hockey player they spent so much money on this wedding they gave us live butterflies and cardboard boxes that we held on to during the ceremony when the couple came out of the church we're supposed to let the butterflies go because it's supposed to be all like you know like whoo stupid is what it was so the catholic service was a long service it was hot a couple came out of the church were like hey congratulations release the butterflies oh hey get up you're on like i think you guys hurt the butterflies hope you're happy in your brand new lives murderers they were smart and they thought about they would have given us caterpillars and by the time the ceremony was over fresh new i butterflies a friend in my 20s he got married he got cold feet he tried to run out of the back door of the church it was a little crazy it was like a movie we stopped him he's fine he's happily married now we saw it coming though because he he felt like he kind of got coerced into getting married it was like an erosion of his willpower over time like a slow wearing down over the years like like a grinding away you know like that old tootsie pop commercial like how many licks does it take to get to the center of my delicious tootsie pop soul i don't know maybe we should move in together a one hey let's watch dancing with the stars i think you spend too much time with your friends a three i'm pregnant three licks mr l been some great weddings my my cousin got married on the beach in florida that was the nice one this is like 10 years ago it was one of the best weddings ever went to it's very loud i should read the reception our meals chicken there's a little car on the table says tonight's entree free-range chicken 10 years ago i didn't know what that was so that's the waitress was like what does that mean free-range chicken she's really into it she's like oh i see most chicken they grow up squished up in a cage their whole life this chicken grew up free on the range so everyone enjoy i was like all right let me see if i can taste the difference here let me know you're right this chicken tastes like it used to be happy like what's the difference this one tastes depressed i'm sending it back i don't need that chicken i can't eat this that chicken if you're like a vegan or something you know i'm just joking don't get upset some people take that very seriously just a joke i understand the logic behind the free-range chickens i've seen the documentaries just kidding around i say that because i did that joke i was in hartford connecticut and i did that joke and after the show because of that joke this vegan guy wanted to beat me up but yeah but because he's a vegan he couldn't yeah yeah [Applause] [Music] you lack the essential vitamins and proteins necessary to throw a decent punch plus you see it coming because the skin's translucent just watch the muscles contract like uppercut whoa you telegraphed that butter yeah celery stick go get it sometimes i feel like god's just playing the claw machine the arcade plucking people out at random to have a great life you know those things like hey i got one here we go let's make this guy look like george clooney's gonna be super intelligent incredible athlete there you go buddy have a great life then there's the rest of us in there just wiggling around waiting for something to happen sometimes you get brushed by the claw just nicks you like hey i won five dollars with the scratch-off lottery ticket okay a little momentum today i'm gonna buy five more scratch-offs invest in my future so he was a great athlete growing up of course first place mvp team captain not me i was an awkward kid you know i like to call myself a creative child like i stunk at sports you know you know you stink at sports when you have to apologize for your throw before you throw it that was me sorry it's not going anywhere near you start running the other way towards the gutter i mean i played sports but i just like i was the kid that they popped out in left field because they had to give me some playing time and then the ball will go past everyone's like hendrickson i got a dandelion like what what's going on pulled a lot of balls off that back fence i just wasn't competitive like i come home from a baseball game my mom be like how's the baseball game i'm like well we lost 10 to one but we got ice cream after it was a lot of fun actually i thought i've been my whole life with work relationships i'm not competitive as long as i have a good time i don't care if i win i think when i die instead of out of the tombstone at my gravesite i just want to have a trophy that says participant yeah ah thanks yeah so i'm happy to have my mom out there it's great to have her that day she's like i said she's two hours south we like to joke around we call her mnn the mom news network she's good it's like an investigative journalist she goes out there in a day she gathers all the family news and information you call in the evening and you get the report it's a great system works perfect for years but here's the thing i have the two older brothers we're all very close with my mom we talked to her about every other day but we talked to each other about every two weeks so when we actually do speak to each other we have nothing to discuss because we already got the reports from my mom i'll be on the phone with my brother like i got a promotion i'm like yeah i know mom told me congrats he's like we're heading to the mall this weekend we're gonna check out i'm like dude i just talked to mom so i got it it's like well we're having another baby i'm like congrats man mom told me it's like i haven't told mom yet i'm like well she's got a source yeah my dad's different he's like a tabloid journalist he gets the story all mixed up whatever sounds good he's like the original fake news my dad be on the phone with my dad's like oh well i don't know your brother got some waitress pregnant i don't know i'm like dad that's his wife yeah well whatever you know what i mean she used to wait tables [Laughter] [Music] my mom's great she's like the very she's the quintessential mom right very doting and sweet always has sandwiches on her i don't know where they come from ever like ever since i've known that woman there's a sandwich in her purse ready to go it's like a magic sandwich burst we could crash land in the desert be starving for ten days my mom's like oh i forgot sandwiches where'd you get this i wished for him cut the crust off mom loves you [Laughter] it's great to have a mom like that but sometimes it's embarrassing she forgets from a grown-up she still thinks of me as a little baby boy right like i was with my mom at the grocery store she's staying like 40 feet away from me she hails across me in front of everybody in the grocery store she goes honey i want to get some manners you want some nanners sweetie i can make nano bread i'm like mom be quiet there's people everywhere yeah mom get the nanners get some [Music] so i gotta have my nana bread she's in a cult my mom you wouldn't think a nice lady like that would be involved in kind of weird cult uh they brainwashed her they call themselves the scrapbookers are you familiar with this group yeah they recruited her they brainwashed her they disappeared for weekends i don't know what's going on she comes back from these these things she's like in the scrapbook trance everything so i'll save that put in the scrapbook this is the receipt for when i bought the scrapbook i'm gonna put that in the scrapbook this scrapbook's got pictures of all my favorite scrapbooks it's like a scrapbook best stuff scrapbook that's a picture of the ceiling that's the point of view from the scrapbooks point of view i thought that was pretty clever she's great we talk on the phone a lot but if she calls and i don't pick up she has bullet points of conversation things that she really wanted to discuss she'll have the entire conversation with my voicemail instead like really long mom messages that go on forever about nothing like boop hi honey it's mom i'm just calling to say hello i'm home my lunch break i just took the dogs out for a walk it's raining outside it's sprinkling a little bit it's kind of misty and gray and cloudy and you know i've never been to london before this is how i picture the weather in london we would be we're supposed to go in the 80s but your dad had some work things so we couldn't make it out there and i was so upset i'll hopefully i'll get out there some other time anyway it's nice here i was watching the weather report it's going to be in the 70s on saturday might be in the 80s on sunday can you believe that it's like we just jumped right in the summer i'm gonna head up to the home depot i saw some really pretty azaleas up there they got some pinks and some whites and i'll get out there in the garden and get a little sun on my face oh you know diet pepsi is on sale on the window at the grocery store i'm gonna stop by the grocery store and pick up some diet pepsi wise cheap because i remember last time you were home could have been your brother but someone drank an awful lot of diet pepsi so we'll have that for your visit and i can't wait to see you that's the first time we've all been home together in two years i looked it up in the scrapbook we're gonna make those cookies remember those cookies we made last easter boop boop hi it's me the stupid machine cut me off again sure yeah i'll take it why not it's my mom she'll be proud she still calls it the it's the machine she's calling me from a cell phone to my cell phone she's the old terminal the tape this was just i get her on the phone she's like honey i was leaving the message and the tape ran out [Laughter] i want a corrector i'm not going to it's my mom but i want to say mom it's the future uh and well you spoke so long you filled up a computer that's what happened i don't know how much memory they have at verizon you you used all of verizon's data no one across the country can make phone calls right now because he left messages for your three sons she's great so she's retired now she's out in california she's relaxing she's got a job at a place called paws it's like a dog rescue she's happy there we're all big dog people in our family my mom's a huge dog person she sends me articles about dogs signs me up for stuff like randomly one day just start getting emails to the pictures of basset hounds i was like what is this week letters talk to my mom she's like oh i forgot to tell you i signed you up for the daily drool so it's just baskets i thought you'd like it and i kind of do like it but still still throw my email out there to everybody collecting my data big dog she sends me articles about dogs i didn't know this there's science out now i read this article she sent me they say dogs don't just pee on stuff to mark their territory they're actually like getting messages from other dogs by smelling their pee their sense of smell is that strong they can interpret information about the other dogs like if it's stressed out if it's ready to mate basically fire hydrants are like facebook feeds for dogs like i just got neutered frowny face they hide medicine and cheese pass it on some dog people i can tell in here people the dog people always laugh at that where are the dog people at out here yeah yeah a lot of you that's good yeah that's a funny trick that dogs can do almost all the dogs can do this you can hide their medicine in like bread or even peanut butter don't eat everything around it and then out comes the pill on the kitchen floor still dry like how do you do that teach me magic dog so what else i'm trying to get in shape get back in shape i did a half marathon [Music] yeah proud of it it's like 10 years ago but still how it happened i didn't even want to do it i went out with my cousin he's a triathlete we had a wild night i woke up the next day there's an email and my account says thank you from the long branch new jersey half marathon i was like what what is it i thought it was junk mail but apparently at some point during the night i signed up to run 13.1 miles in a row on the same day and i paid 100 to do it it's a bad night out i couldn't get it i couldn't get out of it that side of my family would never let me off the hook so i decided i was going to have to train get the running shoes i went to these running stores the high tech they put you on a treadmill put a camera on and they feed data into a computer they recommend a shoe based on how you run and i found out that i run very expensively yeah [Music] they want to pay 180 for a pair of running she's like whoa man that's kind of steep he goes yeah well all the marathoners used them so i was like well so give me something for 90 i'm doing half [Music] [Applause] so i didn't train properly that was the problem i did finish but i didn't train properly the most i did before i had to do the 13 was four it was a horrible awful day i thought i was gonna die i was i hallucinated i saw stuff that wasn't there but i finished and then for like two years after the race the company that produced the race they would send me an email with me a photo of me crossing the finish line once a week reminding me of the worst day of my life you want a picture you want a print of this put it up no that's the worst i've ever looked and there's a 72 year old woman beating me yeah keep it [Music] what else i just got uh i got lasik surgery recently that was uh an adventure has anyone had lasik surgery out there yeah a few of you i see a lot of glasses i was nervous about the lasik surgery you know because it's your eyeballs and i did with a groupon i don't know but that's the best place to get a guy to shoot lasers into your face i read all the reviews this is a true review i read one wrote best money ever spent but crying felt weird for the first month how much do you cry that's strange you should spend your lasik money on some therapy or counseling or something you need help prioritize lady the doctor offered me something called monovision surgery that's where the prescriptions are different in each eye on purpose essential you'll sacrifice a little bit on your distance vision but as you get older it'll be a lot easier for you to read i was like well i'm not much of a reader but uh well i was hoping you could you just set my eyes for tv that'd be good yeah and phone tv and phone and tv and phone and computer i guess tv and phone i'm not paying extra for book is what i'm saying okay i know these groupons work you lowball us we get in there and you have charges for book and i'm not going for it [Applause] i'm a slow reader i admit that i'm not the slowest reader i know this for a fact because i brought a book from somebody whoever had it before me had dog-eared it bookmarked their place on page two let that sink in i mean somebody somewhere got one page into that book was like you know what i am wiped out let me put this thing down hold on a second i might not remember where i left off i'd better mark the backside of one i don't have to read one all over again i can't take another week off of work i got things to do so yeah california's all right i'm glad i made the move i met a wonderful girl i got a nice girlfriend she's great dating was tough out there first it's weird there's a lot of the beautiful people i met i had a friend came to visit me he's like oh man oh these girls look like supermodels i'm like hold on first of all that term bothers me supermodel i think it's pretentious it's not super people just make more than other people in their industry you don't see that in any other line of work i looked it up superintendent that's the first one i came across that doesn't even really fit because that's one word it's not super intended like intending is not a job would that be an awesome job just sitting around intending to do stuff on it i'd love to have that job yeah i'm gonna put that report on my desk well yes sir i intend to yeah i super intend to and then i dated another girl i met up there she's really into wine she drank a ton of wine called herself a wine connoisseur i'm like no ah you're drunk that's what that is should we do a wine tasting i didn't want to go it's like the tea thing to me right it's kind of fancy i had fun i was watching people something happens to people when they get into winery they get the first glass of wine in their hand right just the very act of doing this that changes you they feel special sophisticated everyone starts using wine vocabulary they never used before also they're all experts everyone's walking around oh okay it's very oaky you get a couple glasses you start chatting up in your neighborhood where'd you guys come from oh that's a long drive i know we parked over by the moon okay all right the lady that works and there's way too much information about wine she's pouring wine for us we're standing around this tasting table she's like okay now this one's a little acidic all right it tastes melon might get a bit of a melon flavor good now swish it around the back of your palates everyone i taste cantaloupe all right i'm gonna get a nice cantaloupe mix this last one really irritated me for some reason she looked right at me when she said she because i even get a hint of asian perro so she said for real asian pear everyone around me was buying into it i was so annoyed everyone's like yeah you know what yeah i do taste asian pear that's amazing like do you really you just know what asian pear tastes like off the top of your head i saw you pull into the parking lot and throw out a mcdonald's bag okay now you got this refined pallet all of a sudden and you wine lady you're kind of trying to convince everyone asian pear your palate's that good you can discern the type of fruit that the continent that it came from tastes like you're drunk that's what it tastes like to me it's made from grapes we did a tour of the vineyard for like an hour guess what was out there oh only grapes didn't see a pear tree or an asian person anyway [Applause] [Music] i mean that'd be like me going this flounder's delicious know what i taste i taste turtle you might get a bit of a turtle flavor yeah i say seahorse swish it around your face to get kind of a seahorse mix i even get a hint of arctic penguin huh i just wanted to one-up this lady so badly in front of everyone i had this fantasy in my head where i just called around in front of everyone like you know what lady you're exactly right but here's what happened let me see here okay yeah a ladybug landed on one of the grapes yeah yeah no i can taste it i said i can taste it and earlier that day that ladybug had been eating asian pear that's that's where you got it so i'm really glad i got my girlfriend now she's great i did the dating website thing i was on match.com for 30 days and then the free trial ran out and uh on match.com if you met somebody on a personality trait you get a green dot and they get a green dot that way you know if you see a lot of green dots you have a lot in common and maybe you should reach out to the person so one night it was very late i had all these windows open on my computer i glanced at this one windows got 100 green dots which i'd never seen in all my searches it's like oh my goodness this is it 100 green dots this is my soul mate this is the person that's going to change my life i got excited i highlight the window i scrolled to see the profile picture and the profile picture was me everybody hooray apparently some point earlier in the evening i hit the button view your own profile and i match myself perfectly yeah thanks smash.com i'm better off with a girlfriend i stunk at being single i got a smart mouth that would get me in trouble a couple summers ago i was talking this girl everything was going great it's like hey i really like your glasses she goes oh thanks they're fake i just wear them because they make me look more smarter i couldn't help myself like i think you need a stronger prescription she goes i don't get it i'm like i know you guys have been so much fun thank you so appreciate much [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 601,851

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Andy Hendrickson, Andy Hendrickson Dry Bar Comedy, Andy Hendrickson Comedy, Andy Hendrickson Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, perfect borther, babies, babies are weird, potato baby, navy seal, dbc

Id: INU2utK9oYg

Length: 37min 59sec (2279 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 10 2020