- We're here tonight
so James can live out one of his unfulfilled
sexual fantasies: to have a room full of his
friends shit all over him. ♪ James Franco ♪ (cheering) (upbeat music) - Many of you might
not know this, but Seth Rogen has a
writing and directing partner named Evan Goldberg. What does this
other guy look like that you were the
face of the operation? (laughter) I assume he's like a
sweaty, orthodox Jew eating a pastrami sandwich, "Hey Sethy, yeah, I
added nine dick jokes "on page four,
and I was thinking "that the guys are friends,
and then they're not friends, "and then at the end of the
movie they're friends again." (laughing) "And also they should smoke
a lot of ganja, Sethy." Lisa Lampenelli's here! Oh I'm sorry, that's Jeff Ross. Jonah Hill, you
know, a lot of people are gonna touch on your
weight tonight Jonah, but not enough people are gonna talk about what an
asshole you've become. (laughter) Quick reminder that
if at any point tonight, James fully
opens his eyes, there will be six
more weeks of summer. (laughter) - Sarah Silverman,
everyone's like, she's hot for a comic,
but I don't agree. 'Cause she's not
just hot for a comic, she's hot for someone her age. - That's right. (laughter) - Seriously Sarah, you were
my favorite comic as a kid. (laughing) And then there's Jeff Ross who's gonna fucking kill me later. (laughing) I never gave you this
compliment before, but you're actually the reason I decided to become successful. (laughing) I saw what you
became and it scared the living shit out of me. But seriously guys,
can you please pick up after yourselves? It's gonna make Jeff's
life a lot easier. Aziz, Natasha, Nick
Kroll, I'm assuming you guys are James's
friends from high school, but I think that is so dope that you guys are willing
to get up here even though no one knows
who the fuck you guys are. - I can't tell if
this is a Deus, or the line to suck
Jud Apatow's balls. (laughter) Right before the show
started, Seth rolled a gigantic fatty,
because that was the only way we could get
Jonah Hill onto the stage. Jonah actually
gained 50 pounds for his role in the new
Martin Scorsese film, because the producers
wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type. - We are very excited,
and I'm just gonna say, an honor to introduce
our next roaster. He's responsible, not
just for my career, but for every single person's
career in this entire room. Ladies and gentlemen
please welcome the President of Hollywood. (applause) (upbeat fanfare) - Before I start
I just wanna say to everyone up here,
you're welcome. In no other place but Hollywood can these 10 people make
the kind of money they make and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with. (laughter) Seth Rogen, I put you on
a movie poster and I said "Deal with it." (audience laughing) And then I put Barbara
Streisand on that poster and the world said no,
listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weaving
through traffic, I'd watch Seinfeld's web series. Jonah, I'm assuming you're
here because Seth is? People call me all
the time and they say, Hollywood, do we really
need two of these guys? (laughter) Jeff Ross, hi, I'm Hollywood,
we haven't met before. I'm sorry we haven't been
able to do anything yet, like Enterprise Rental
Car on Christmas Day, I do not have a vehicle for you, now I come to you, James Franco. I know it hasn't always
been easy for you, James. You overcame the crippling
childhood affliction known as dumb face,
but did you ever let that interfere
with your dream of making dog shit movies? I just don't know
what you're doing. I gave you a chance
to be a movie star, make money, hang out
with the spider guy, and you said nah, I
want to be an artist. But I'll tell you what I told
Richard Grieco 20 years ago. (laughing) Play ball, you squinty fuck. - Jonah Hill, I loved
you as a baseball analyst in MoneyBall, and I love you as Rosie O' Donnel in real life. (laughter) Jonah was born and
raised in Hollywood, and you can tell, he's
a name dropper with big tits and an eating disorder. (laughter) Andy's comedy group is
called The Lonely Island, which is how each
of his teeth feel. Nick Kroll, your fan must
be so excited you're here! (laughter) No Nick, I love Kroll show,
you are amazing at characters, you're like a chameleon in that you have hideous skin
and bulging eyes. (laughing) Sarah Silverman's had more ugly
men inside her than Comicon. Kim Kardashian is here,
oh that's Aziz, sorry. I get them confused,
they're both brown narcissists riding Kanye's dick. (laughter) James Franco, acting,
teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography,
soundtracks, editing, is there anything you can do? (laughing) Now at first, I wasn't sure
why James would do this roast, and then I thought
Spring Breakers, and I was like oh,
he'll do anything. (laughter) James has a new reality show coming out on the
Ovation Network, wow. Finally something
so awful that even TLC was like nah, we're good. - Wow look at this Deus, a
word I knew before tonight. Someone must have
told the producer that this was a panel of
Kenny Rogers roasters, 'cause you guys are
a bunch of chickens. (laughter) Thank you, it's a chicken-based restaurant, I researched that. The lovely Sarah
Silverman is here. (laughing) I hate to break it to you
Sarah, but you're getting older. And you know who else
is getting older? My mom, I'm scared
she's gonna die soon, what's that gonna be like? (laughing) Roasted Sarah, okay,
who's my next victim? Natasha Leggero's here. (audience cheering) She's basically a
complete unknown, but tonight we're getting
paid the same amount of money. (laughter) Here's one, Nick
Kroll, Bill Hader and Seth Rogen walk into a bar. They're there to pick me up, 'cause I'm an alcoholic who
can't manage my feelings, nailed you fuckers, suck a butt. (laughing) Is there a barista here, 'cause this roast just got dark. (laughing) My good friend
Aziz Ansari's here. Aziz's parents are from India,
and he's from South Carolina. Hey Aziz, what's it like to have a unique perspective on what it means to be American
you bag of shit? (laughing) Jonah is so dumb
that when he had me over for a dinner party, I overstayed my welcome and he pretended to be tired
so I would leave without getting
my feelings hurt. You a passive-aggressive
sweetheart, Jonah. Expect letters Comedy Central, if you don't want controversy, you shouldn't have
invited the king. (laughing) Here's a fun fact, James
Franco has a tiny dick. James's dick is so
small that I had to suck it for like three
hours just to get him hard, and then it got way
bigger, like scary big. I was like, you want me
to do what with that? (laughing) Hey guys, can you try and
settle down out there, I'm trying to roast up here. I don't go down to
your job and knock James Franco's dick
out of my mouth, you never take me
anywhere, James! (laughing) See, these are
classic roast jokes. Jeff Ross knows what I'm talking
about, you melting hippo. (hysterical laughter) You guys, this has been great, let's always remember this. - I do think one day,
Jonah will win an Oscar, Meyer, Hot Dog Eater of
the Millennium Award. (laughing) Also, I think it's so cool that some of you guys
were able to travel back in time to 1995 for
those Indian jokes you did. (laughter) That's so cool! So many gay jokes tonight, wow. So many gay jokes about Franco. Apparently if you're
clean, well-dressed and mildly cultured,
you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively
fat and dirty? (laughing) You think if you read one
book and take a shower, dicks are just gonna
fly into your face? (laughter) Franco, I don't
know you that well, but I'm glad you had me here, and later tonight
I'm looking forward to you coming up here and
doing what you do best. Being mildly funny
reading material Seth Rogen has written for you. Thank you guys very much. - First off, I'd like to thank my niece, Seth
Rogen, for hosting. (laughter) Actually, Jonah almost
couldn't make it tonight because he had trouble
finding a tuxedo that changes sizes every three hours. Jonah, you're an amazing talent. I loved you as a Ku Klux
Klan guy in Django Unchained. When Jonah's agent told
him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in
a spaghetti western, Jonah was like "you
had me at spaghetti." (laughing) Jonah Hill, Jonah
Hill, what's that? - Spaghetti western. - [Jeff] Spaghetti
western, you like that? - [Jonah] Oh my god. - I love you Jonah,
you're a good guy. - I fucking love you, dude. - Great to see Sarah
Silverman, she's the greatest. So funny tonight, I'm
so proud of you Sarah, for your success in
the animated movie. Anybody see Wreck it Ralph? Wow. (audience cheering) Which is what guys do to your pussy, they wreck
it, then they ralph. (laughter) Bill Hader, holy mackerel,
so hilarious, that was great. Too bad you can't
do an impression of a guy with two
equally sized eyes. (laughing) Aziz, I wanted to make
some jokes about you bombing tonight, but you were
so goddamn funny I can't. (cheering) And I guess you're
here tonight because now that Kanye had a real baby,
he doesn't need you anymore. (audience laughing) How you doing, Franco? You look like Johnny
Depp with lupus. (laughter) You know Franco, I
don't care personally if you fuck guys or fuck girls, all I know is your
fuck made her 12 bucks when I went to see that
Wizard of Oz movie. I hope I wasn't
too mean tonight, because my girlfriend and I both wanna fuck you after the show. - They say I'm a pretty boy, and you don't know
how painful that is. (laughter) I'm always type-cast
as the same guy, you know, the handsome wizard, and handsome meth
dealer and handsome, clumsy amputee hiker. (laughter) Just once, I'd like
to play some of the diverse roles
that Nick Kroll gets, like the rat-faced attorney. (laughing hysterically) All right, so you guys
think I'm pretentious. Well James Franco
addressed James Franco being pretentious in his
book, "James Franco". (laughter) And it's not just
me, look at how full of himself Jonah's become
since his Oscar nomination. Don't forget where
you came from, pal. Sure you're buddies with
Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum, but I was your first
handsome friend. Before you get too cocky,
remember I was there in This is the End
where you're getting brutally ass-rammed
by that demon, and we both know the
only way the demon could keep his
erection was because he was thinking about me. So all night I've
had to sit here and listen to everyone's
jokes and pretending to be amused by
them, but in reality the joke's on all of you. (scattered cheers) This is not a roast,
this is my greatest, most elaborate art
installation ever. (applause) I'm not the real guest of honor, these aren't real comedians, and we're not even
on a real network. (laughing) What you've seen tonight
was my brilliant opus, the sequester and
artistic visionary, and subjecting to the mindless, incoherent trashings
of a scattering of miscreated, talentless
abnormalities. I call it, Genius Unscathed,
and this is my masterpiece. (laughter and applause) There's only one thing
missing, my signature. (cheering) That says "James
Franco", bitches. (cheering and applause) Thank you, good night.
