The best of Hignfy series 39

and at a conference in Geneva two delegates give their answer to the age-old question how long should you stay in a broom cupboard when you've walked into it by mistake he's going to lead us into the future gilroys back look sometimes back oh yeah gosh the future is orange blows returns no it's ghastly nightmare the idea that Brown was thinking I'm not doing very well I wonder what will help ok black he's popular Iraq went down well did anyone see the debates about blurred speech on Newsnight if it was televised yes simple people I should imagine I'll rephrase the question did anyone here see the debate about blurred speech on news we should stop the front row did anybody not including the audience or people that work on the show apart from us five nine clued in me because I know the answer see the debate about blur speech on news notes no [Music] that's not really objecting to anyone who can talk properly after he lost his luggage for democracy wasn't it three men just shaft he to each other Jewish the Robert kill or assault but as you mentioned him earlier would you think he should return to the new clip throng no I don't he was he was ghastly I'm sorry but he was awful you can say what you want about Kilroy but you've got to admit he doesn't have to present a game show their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide whether to share or to shaft last thing you want to hear on your honeymoon we came on this show we have some footage of someone throwing fertilizer at him which was followed by the immortal joke of the [ __ ] hitting the town you know really you have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk and the question that I want to ask the president that I want to ask that we're all going to ask is who are you and I can say with confidence that I can speak on behalf of the majority of the British people in saying we don't know you we don't want you and the sooner you're put out to grass the better done the best man speech it was quite moderate and reasonable how can you speak on behalf of the British people on the size of your vote well I could say with confidence that nobody in Britain knew who he was yeah that's been Goran Eriksson you mustn't assume that the general population is as ignorant as you are [Applause] you're actually standing for election aren't you [Music] Channel four dispatches set up a fake company that literally said we're lobbying company if we give you a loss of money will you introduce us to famous people and get the law changed and a parade of Labour MPs came in and said yes starting with Stephen buyer said I'll be five grand there won't they claiming they could do for this aside five grand basically they said we can get the law changed we'll introduce you to Tony Blair Peter Mandelson I'll get you inside the cabinet you just give us your money as a company and we'll change the law which technically is corruption for hire scaleless between it varies but it's it suited between three and five for today that's not fair because the sub type was came up before he spoke so he's obviously reading them buyers having been caught and the producer of the program said we couldn't believe how stupid they were I mean the office looked rubbish we hadn't dressed it very well as one pot plant there's a girl sitting there was a sort of bag was it hidden camera in it signs a hidden camera have a man in next back hidden they're hanging from the ceiling I mean these people are genuinely corrupt Geoff hoon and Hewitt tried to topple golden brown not only do they believe that democracy can be bought and sold but they think they should determine who's the prime minister not that this should influence how any of you both they're strict BBC rules about this stuff so just just look at the corruption and and and take it in what's the Tory's own secret weapon been up to this week secret weapon by very nature we know nothing about is that the Invisible Man over there I'd say is it right that the tourist secret weapons got pregnant I hope not Boris Johnson [Music] as if that man wasn't off-putting enough let's not think about pregnant there's gonna be more lil Boris Johnson's running around yeah it was Nicholas Winton who said that mp4 Macclesfield you remember him so he was particularly noid about just giving you the answer Nicolas Nicolas whatever for saying you're good at this I repeat okay I'm gonna make it more difficult now in future rounds I'm gonna ask the question before I give the answer okay you're gonna be on your own from now on Danger Mouse yes Penfolds friend you kick em EP Nigel Farraj admitted that he has taken two million of taxpayers money and expenses employs his wife to run his office paid from his allowances and he's hoping to become an MP at the next election well he certainly ticks all the boxes do we get write a reply here yes the money didn't go to me doesn't it for your party and your offices didn't go to me it went of employees all right you're nicked [Music] my trip I know okay it's a backup I accept it yeah you wouldn't stand up long and cool would you know it didn't kill them alright I did go on I didn't actually get the money they realized that Hollywood isn't actually in America Matt oh it's in Essex the Sun compared the two towns what's that they say that had a comment they've got the Basildon Walk of Fame if you've attacked embattled only put star on the pavement [Music] outside the Chinese hyenas laughter isn't it the laughter is a sort of code they send a lot of messages to each other through the laughter they can communicate things like what zebra here or when they see a lion what do they actually do they do it laughs where they pretend they've got the joke but they have really a story of this magnitude has inevitably set internet message board to light of course yes what did Chris from France write on the daily [Music] from France imaginary stick around television anymore Gagne now a spand really really it wasn't lit do we buzz him [Applause] I've sorted out before the election only one of them's got two heads which one one with two heads haunted some bed what was there some story about Jordan moving out of her house god I'm so embarrassed to see of all the people I wasn't expected to get this Addison she's moved out of her house apparently because it's haunted this story's totally untrue and it's filled up four pages of the star there's the Sun bed haunted all the house is haunted if you're moving at the house because the Sun wanted you just get rid of the Sun but you didn't the paper I said Jordan did their worst ascent audited some bed forces Jordan to invade Israel would be a story one their massive dog we'll go for a massive dog yes after a photo call in Downing Street Gordon Brown tells colleagues that if any of them doubts his ability to win the election they should come in for a private chat I'm just a few minutes later John Prescott pops into number 10 to use the downstairs loo you're allowed to use any in previously the rules were that you can't have a proper noun so you couldn't have Paul know you could have his slop yes probably means something yes man who increasingly looks more like a spitting image puppet than he does know proper names now according to the owners you can use words like a Beyonce mm-hmm I gather as a type of tree like your definition of his lot particularly coming from someone wearing that particular mustache that's what you have the guy from UK Poland they wanted someone more right-wing slight misunderstanding I'm doing the show about a show in which you play Bob Ames worse to defend that could be better than next year's show could be it's called Hitler mustache I'm trying to reclaim the toothbrush mustache for comedy Charlie Chaplin had it first unique you know value and Hitler came along kind of ruined it for anyone Denise probably the worst thing he ever did [Applause] that's explained it I'm very happy now hopefully that'll stay in the show where I'm just gonna look like an idiot you Kip would score 10 you'd be quite good use of because okay Andy you were nasty to get rid of to get over I mean up till now we've only had it it's had to be all change of data they're off look double act okay so this is the election it's incredibly exciting they said we're going to announce the election and then they did brilliant May 6 which is Tony Blair's birthday so I need to celebrate what better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehend anything but even on the campaign trail he's fantastically competitive have a look at this fine [Laughter] that's not even the symbol before also I check Gordon's figure Cesar he's had some problems with those like the defense budget or immigration his sons probably 18 well here's Gordon with his secret weapon the lovely Sarah and is Cameron the lovely Samantha and there's Nick with Sam cam as you speak probably Sam can well everything has to be shortened subo they never do that for Pete Daugherty do they [Laughter] you're right schoolboy mm-hmm is he used as bait for Roman Catholic priests [Applause] judge their teachers that's right yes if you want to expect it what would be your favorite song you would sing it's exactly right it's a really stupid idea isn't it yeah it's like inmates choosing the governor of the prison we'd like someone who opens the doors should they choose the teachers but it's the government project to give pupils more pie watching but it's still pretty silly isn't a Gordon Brown she's five I didn't say that what I was saying trying to make the difference between being the newsreader on television and being a journalist on the radio and being a journalist in the way you need a thicker skin I think he's the one with a problem I think it's like it's like man flu you know he's he's a radio producer of it not terribly difficult show so he has to say it's the most difficult thing in the world it's like fighting a war it's like being in a submarine when the air runs out women couldn't do it I can't know some special and who's the woman on the chair I think she's not important not after what I just said about its editor I think it'd be awkward I'm not terribly good an early morning start if they move the Today programme to about midnight I'm in online all night we went to bed at a reasonable time you could have a job as a person on today you're so kind I already have a mother Sir William or Murad you know about when we had a memorial service for my dad and I got a tip-off that we might be visited by a serial gang of funeral crashers there are these rather unsavory people who knock about funerals of strangers in the South of England the hope of free drink so I'm venting this chap called - William warm rod and put him on the Internet and I said there'd be free drink after the funeral but it was for family and friends only and they all wrote to me and said I was so sorry to hear some Williams death what a lovely man I used to know him in the 40s in Yorkshire stuff treatment plan a was to actually hold the funeral and fill all the free sandwiches with laxatives so I didn't do that I just once I knew who they were wrote about them in the paper they want free food if you go to Holiday Inn Express before 9:30 there's just free breakfast there they don't check you in they don't check that you were saying interesting Russian [Laughter] the bank yeah it's alright yeah it was we're selling tickets Paul was not in Preston sadly there is an unfitting like a very very very who wants to be a millionaire that's how many tickets you so buddies transmitted by [Laughter] the kitchen I love politics no no no York who this week revealed I've actually had endless debates in pubs debates such as who spot the pint who's looking at whose birth you've never had that conversation in the pub have you mean yes [Laughter] no you look as though you're the sort of hard man who might have done it yes there's conversations about the birds this is the election isn't it yes absolutely is and it's all go they're wheeling out their top supporters heathermills for the Lib Dems she's been paid by the other two parties incredibly sorry for the Lib Dems who else is coming up it's dr. Craven I've got a cover of the Labour manifesto it's lovely you wouldn't want to live there yeah like a nuclear explosion I remember when all this was banks in his home county of Fife his wife Sarah got on the campaign trail persuading voters that her husband is a nice normal sort of guy unfortunately she made the mistake of taking him with her which celebrities have come out in support of labour David Tennant's oh yes Doctor Who yes meanwhile who's come out for the Lib Dems I think we touched on this earlier they said the Daleks it's the Daleks the Daleks and of course the much-loved national treasure heathermills I spent full weeks learning French with Esther Rantzen in Provence could you not done the community service instead the week started badly for labor thanks to this man what did he do that people found offensive he tweeted yes does anybody know exactly what he said he swore a lot on his texts it's it's even better and he mentioned chaffs he may have done but that's what the answer on the card it's worth is getting badges I've always said it's looking Tori's manifesto all of elect win yes it was Gulen plan Emanuel we've got a lovely got a lovely picture of Oliver liquid yes there we [Music] those are really working for him sure the guy aspects today versus what has David Cameron been using as a backdrop for photos to show he's in touch with the common folk the late part you've got a big wheat field yes it's not that to show they're in touch with wheat Jersey beer and bread this week though and they said that white bread is you know cancerous and all that as well as not not not good choice are you saying he gives you cancer yes I pathetic a in terms of balance we have to suggest that also the leader of the Labour Party and the other Lib Dems will also give you very serious illnesses by joining firm yes Gordon will give you aids [Music] this week David Cameron was accused of giving free advertising on his campaign trail to companies whose bosses have publicly supported his policies by coincidence he campaigned at B&Q Fuller's brewery and Warburton's bakery to name but three it's quite a story which I first read about on my iPad brilliant bit of kit you were ashamed of yourself yes because I never knew on the head which was which I was there I was the smug unbearable one when we meant to buy your one you were it was a commodious campaign yes I was that unlikable one and you were supposed to buy my computer and David had all the funny lines and you were supposed to despise him Americans don't really get it anyway good somebody's tried to post himself yes it's it yes it is how did you get out with the loot well how does he get himself delivered in the first places you just get into the box outside a post office with the address on in the hope that the post will go earlier 15-stone package this is a British story though is it no he's polish yeah cuz you just die in the box to be senator they force him through the metal pot specifically do that story does if he escaped from prison you'd probably sort of go somewhere rather than just run around a field late at night disguise as a sheep well if it you know if they add some no I don't want to go there yeah I'm just go down the direction of inappropriate relations with other sheep it's not appropriate as long as you'd love each other [Music] ah this is pornography for blind people yes they've gone in at this sad affair she end I would have to say going straight in with the gas mask it's a newsagent snow feeling anyone guess what some of the images are of well it's gonna be better food no in there somewhere yes in a bit of a bit of hey this is a pornography for the deaf yes [Music] the old one outs the man dressed as the banana it must be for him it's a positive thing for everybody else has been a negative yes you've done this show before yeah well I don't know how they're gonna divide up the points there but yes you're tearing me apart where is the banana Museum Robert I'm afraid I can't supply you with that information at this time but your call is important to us I was on my way back from the post office and I saw a neighbor coming down our passageway and he said to me a rock has hit your car so I just thought it'd be a little stone when I thought the size of it was a fact boys really are out of control [ __ ] John reacted to this very lucky escape what did she say it's my husband don't feel so he fought he's in the front seat what's going on in Holland with regards to Finn balls great nothing everything not much not much yeah Alan sir yes so nothing was quite right yes good clogs yes Eden white he said nothing and everything and the answer was in between give him points for putting to balance program I feel like a Lib Dem don't mind not suppose you don't know which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hislop and David Ruffin say off of shameless shameless yes this is a volcano of course in Iceland and this is the emergency cabinet thrown together people were stuck abroad were they in there there they are being stuck abroad get points for knowing there's a volcano explode people got stuck including you in Poland I wasn't stuck I just used my ingenuity and got back yes we were in Poland and I realize you can't make any jokes there because it was that they were burying everybody and so what did one American travelers say when she was told that all flights back to the States had been cancelled that's a shame the news probably not she said does that apply to business class [Applause] you're aboard as well this week why are you Andy what yeah don't deny it we have some footage which proves that you were in Afghanistan [Applause] in fact mr. Walley oh just admit it yeah I'm a sleeper for the body well on your the deputy leader of the Taliban well maybe now get a bit of respect so it's not Afghanistan so I'll just do this so that we cover I do apologize this was actually in Sidcup that was yesterday this joke has matured you'll find it's like wine it's much funnier now than it was a minute ago when you first heard it suggest that the leader of the Taliban had been in Afghanistan that's so Andy you were abroad this week weren't you just act exactiy that was acting he wasn't acting he said you'd ask me that a minute ago trying to be helped so much worse than this in a minute ready hey you were abroad this week weren't you Andy what are you I remember the Taliban or something there was one Scottish guy who really summed it up I thought rather well you only found out when you got to the airport you didn't know in your hotel and so he obviously might have an issue with frozen food to rush back to present Top Gear no it's not no it's not really target audience actually no they did their classic Acton for the last few years they've gone Nick Clegg no one's heard of him Nick Clegg he does one debate and everyone goes why isn't he under more scrutiny from behind us you know the second leadership debate is happening right now over on Sky really it said you mean I think they're for the BBC oh it's brilliant but there's nobody there I can just go [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Nick Clegg on the other side know they're hungry [ __ ] [ __ ] and son oh yes yes commissioners for the audience look at this you've got Freddie Flintoff man if he was able to take up murdering every conceivable different type of person they're all saying all those three of them were all brilliant that's the ghost of John Lennon I'm sure the tuners Clegg appeared getting any sort of support the right-wing papers went mad The Times has put the boot in and the mail basically said have a look at him I think you'll find he's foreign he married to a foreign person his mother foreign vote for him see that after Michael Caine who's the next much-loved popular figure who's come out and risked it all really by admitting that he's supporting the Tories Paul Daniels G B Gordon Brown a good David I've been working by going around the country talking to people listening to what they say and I think what I'll say tonight reflects the messages that people are giving me now let's have a look at Mandelson's reaction to that face that says right you're on the list what he does is he lays the bunny down then he Sue's Tammy is stroking her head like that then he oh heavens Oh what Tammy looks like at the end that rabbit is dead isn't it yes this is cliff Penrose who is being hailed for his ability to hypnotize rabbits mr. Penrose employs a special technique to make a rabbit lie lifeless and still though I find a 4x4 is just as effective you got arrested this came round then I was interviewed by them saying that I ran over a fox you sat there and you said I run over a fox today never I went on you said yeah took me out Goldman Sachs it's an investment bank I think thank you yeah you want any more financial advice just made a bit of money on it you know [Laughter] give me the maid all right I do know the answer this goldman sachs invented a bomb to sell to people which was based on subprime mortgages so it was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people but they designed it to lose money because one of the their other clients was a big hedge fund manager who were betting on the bomb to lose so goldman sachs were selling this bomb to you saying this is terrific behind about going to one their class bet on this this is complete rubbish so government Sachs basically proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't it wasn't just an act of God or an accident it was a fraud can I just interrupt at this point yeah because I should make it plain the law being as it is yes Goldman calls the charges completely unfounded in law and fact what a sax I don't see any of this making it into the finished program are you worried about libel yes I haven't ever been done for it before I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years yeah saying what a bunch of crooks goldman sachs you could present your program from yourself the mission could be to walk from one end to the other of course top gear does mean something different in prison [Applause] I'm more comfortable with that there just in case you wanted to throw any barrows at me Zilla I deliberately came out with nothing I can throw it I have no biro I have nothing you're quite safe I drew blood last time I was here I throw a bar are some of these lip bled yeah and you said it's red ink not only do you want to destroy the planet you hurt me honestly I've never seen Carol I need some antiseptic wipes yeah but you'd be handling it Eric Pickles he proudly told his four and a half thousand online followers my shits are from M&S which was warmly received by rival fatty and noted wit John Prescott who replied that some sponsorship deal you've got an Iranian Clark has claimed that women are to blow earthquakes as a cleric driving license and I can't see that that says Clark cleric it does say Clark if you're just goes to show what a right it doesn't because but that said Clark see you were wait wait wait an Iranian chap has planned [Applause] welcome to how I got election news for you specially recorded after election night so we'd know exactly what the final outcome was well that worked on the kind of day that makes our political system the envy of the world yes we've got no government [Applause] does that mean we can do what we like yes good audience noise that was fantastic actually on that boat and on Paul's team is one of the few politicians who knows what the future holds for him now that's the Lib Dem votes being chucked in the river I don't see my vote there that's someone explaining they haven't a clue goodbye to you go watch your film one of your husband's hello Gordon people have spoken as joe said and they've said what about you it's very exciting we've got a new Prime Minister Gordon Brown we've never voted before and you didn't [ __ ] trigger it is indeed the overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election in fact we only know one result for sure don't we Lembeck so I've actually got an appointment the job central about they found earlier cancelled now in this election has been all about compromise and you were on the boat with Piers Morgan was that nice I'm not strictly at the same time oh right that was in the deal and ships in the night yeah fair enough without the P 1200 actually you were second though weren't you yeah came second you know I'm pretty pleased about that offer some comfort here Ames used to come in second off and I'm third and there's only two teams did you stay up for Lembit it was it's it's the most important thing that happened in the election because it's quite funny Jackie Smith and lots people stayed up to watch her before timers Jackie Smith thrown out anyone up 3 yeah you won't be drawn on figures will you yes the results are in and the people have spoken the final result is still up in the air unlike UKIP's plane plane crash I think it's a mood in this audience today which is of a mood of sort of light thank God it's over for a bit and let's just take the piss out of the whole business [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so you're lucky you haven't come to see the Antiques Roadshow I think they're feeling punitive plane crash then bit losses job economy goes down the toilet it's brutal democracy isn't it nope you are to me the last time I was on the show as well you were I don't believe it the sort of lies you politicians tell [Applause] [Music] the best response you've ever had so Paul in the old certainties are gone it's time for unlikely alliances Paul could you ever find it in your heart to put your bitter rivalry to one side and form a coalition with the end all right [Applause] I've got a feeling you're gonna win this week see how it's done yeah this is much better I love sitting here this is great I sit here from everyone can I say I've always wanted this yeah and any suggestion that I'm doing it as a matter of convenience is not true I agree with Nick Paul do you want to do a rabble rousing speech on behalf of our coalition I think what we offer is is not them basically people are sick of you coming on here making fun of the contestants you know that's because I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment lend us the price of a cup of tea that for you if you want [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you happy to say that yeah okay let's move on then yeah right I'm not saying it's permanent it may only be around yeah let the public decide or it may be do that forever this is great you're right the mill abyss is sitting on the end of a bozo no face and this was a happier time for me a very happy time for him because he practiced that smile probably all his life just for that screen saver moment you'd be better a few of me there's no way during this campaign David Cameron hasn't got in his car after a meeting grating gun what dick see I mean you never he didn't get caught doing it so the word [ __ ] tends to apply to the Prime Minister sorry that's a long apology and she suggested there was something else going hey it was all a bit of plan on his part call her bigger comes out greedy that's the way I read the situation phonetically you should really write pong [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] historian to applaud I couldn't come to a decisive decision I thought it did King nimi pocket [Applause] thank you that was great so Gordon Brown is still Prime Minister despite Biddy gate according to The Mail on Sunday and it's not be by the repeat now who could have David Miliband prime minister and you haven't voted for him either Oh Harriet Harman popular as a dead kid what according to the Mail on Sunday interview went on when Gordon was inside Gillian Duffy's house I think it's not quite accurate it is do you know what went wrong with Labour's relaunch after Biddy gate oh there was actually a car crash there was a metaphor became life Payne likes a crash yeah we have a look at love it creating tax fairness making sure [Applause] it's actually alleged by the driver that he was bumped by the occupants of a rubbish truck shouting abuse from an adjacent round we've actually got his actual drawing of the accident from his insurance claim [Laughter] that's a good place to labor are not rubbish there have been a few problems on all sides to do with presentation there was the technical problem when william hague appeared to be speaking with theresa May's voice sticking moment perhaps on inheritance tax tax cut for the rich this isn't about famous no David Cameron was very strong I think he's being told by David Cameron to sound a bit more posh they are posh the Tories there aren't they did you go to a posh school yeah minor public school adding life yeah the minors go him back on my side [Applause] good to be back was said I wanted to be with you did anyone see throw the last minute endorsements of the various party leaders sign Cal sub-account Tories of Steve Tories nice leg obviously had to call him fair yep didn't the Labour Party have you didn't you do a video a video yeah sort of video you're thinking okay no and it's also merged apparently that's Gordon Brown is old friends with Kate Bush [Music] I think we're gonna find form swing we've known in other places surprise results we're gonna be saying gosh how did so-and-so managed to hang on there I mean as an example of a possible supplied by we've been hearing from both labor and from the Conservatives tonight that the government in his new castle prime minister in the next few days probably doing funny walks so I will have to with my hope was gone away now I think all right where's he gone away tell me with your dissertation then yes as I say I think David Cameron will probably become prime minister in the next few days with the caveat of all [Applause] [Music] he did indeed say I've gone from being Churchill to a Nazi in a week a typical Lib Dem always changing the minds of suppose it sir didn't you used to be Lembit Opik look-alike for him that's his level of self-confidence you don't think you'll get the job as your own you see this is what the public do to politicians they just nice them feet are taken away at - battled in South yeah so the final scores cuz yes that's where we are in and John have to Lou I had Paul half the time you can't count that against Matt Paul honest all the time right to be a winner able to [Applause] as the polls close Gordon reveals that he's not quite sure how it happened but he appears to have cast his vote for David Cameron this is very good news is the first gay couple to run Britain I hear this on a journalist now quite keen to prise these two apart is it doesn't seem right that's that seems to be the sort of view doesn't it this is the journalism's prime role now is to prise these two apart and show the differences between them would you agree with that Julia I think so that's quite a lot of differences otherwise they'd probably be in the same party but that's how coalition's work I don't understand why journalists don't appear to be able to see what the definition of a coalition is those two people don't appear penis oh boy how can I be in a coalition wouldn't be a coalition if they're in the same party I've been with Georgia government you can fake bunch of bastards into a coalition deal that only just gets you then you keep your mouth shut for the moment brilliant thing was when they interviewed her afterwards she said well at least it didn't punch me what the Director General does why do they take them all outside and expose them to this this whole thing cuz it's funnier which is going between the two of them just trying to get a bit more and a bit more a bit more but isn't that what negotiates just am i journalist what is so hard to understand what was Nick Clegg doing how dare he tried to secure the best possible deal face party [Applause] because he's saying it's all about the countries around the country because you people will be right up his jacksie if he didn't win you said well this is actually about politics and this is how politics works you have a bunch of four-year-olds then you wouldn't be having any of it is you're not having any of it who's not having any of it I'm not this is the for me which is this yes sir and some look at this live interview beside Alastair Campbell when label were trying to reach an agreement with the Lib Dems just like rolling news yeah we go over to someone now and lose this out just one moment you have to press play and record what that log our sentence got okay it's awful being an actor in the nobody understands try speaking clearer [Applause] you are investigating over 300 complaints that's amazing 300 people watch sky also does bring that out in you that it's a gift he's good at it but fancy being involved in argument with Alastair Campbell and you ending up being the one who goes mad and looks like a lunatic I mean that is traditionally Campbell's job he's also suggesting that sky is biased what's new he is to say the BBC was biased and then went bonkers and tried to close it down this is what Alastair does or did with any luck we're not going to see him anymore bye-bye Alastair bye bye Mandy they're hosting the show next week lady bong has gone he's done the decent thing he's not done the decent he has he stepped aside immediately been on Friday morning you don't talk about barnacles stepping aside when you ship them off what was he supposed to do constitutionally he was the prime minister that was his job to stone until another government could possibly [Music] [Applause] threatening to leave your party in six months time and saying I will sort out the deal so I will hang on that long is not constitutional no bad an attempt to cling on to power that is mr. barnacle doing what he does and it's no good saying I hate journalists because they happen to be critical of this particular thing that says Coblentz based of the job in the dressing room well that's sir that's the Krissi special when finally resigned I think for the first time he looked genuinely happy yeah and for me that was the first time he'd reflected the public mood the why have you see on Wednesdays mirror I had actually to pull out a tribute section with Gordon but it was Britain's 52nd Prime Minister I thought you've missed that word there worst second worst [Music] Mira journalist Jason Beattie wrote Cameron is our 53rd Prime Minister but for how long forever [ __ ] the next one will be the 54 and so to round two only round two this is that just makes me look at tit I'm gonna swing for you in a minute I don't think is gonna work out for according to the mail on Sunday he likes to offer people mints and tell them that their viagra not a soft mint then he doesn't need viagra to go to the top finger should I get rid of this before I put figures on bus no so I keep that like that okay I think so it's bugging me that's all fingers on buzzers teams here's the next one oh yeah when you win a play are you always surprised by how it finishes if you know who's on the phone before it answered before oh goodness would you mind yeah if you know who's on the phone Ian and jr. have seven Paul and Chris have eight Oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so so does that in the new era does that technically mean I've won secretary Treasury left a note on his desk saying there's no money it would be funny if it wasn't true we've put the army on ebay your notable by their absence from the coalition cabinet women and I think that's pretty outrageous a group of men yet again all the same age sitting behind desks not one seems to be a pretty shoddy arrangement fairly sort of sensible organization and I'm I'm against it Ian you alluded to this earlier what did the new Treasury secretary Lib Dem David Laws find on his desk when he arrived in the office on his first day you're right I did allude to it and I said it but let me allude again [Music] [Applause] [Music] well there we are you can laugh at anything gun yeah the idea that Spain is trying to bribe referees is of course ridiculous yes because it's usually the Italians isn't it [Applause] first of all your opening line is there's that Pizza trading I completely archive wutface loon who's come on the show and then you talk about corruptions and the Italians and the camera I notice go stray on me but when they also mention the joke about somebody being bored the camera cut away and eaten [Music] [Applause] coming up later in the program buy-one-get-one-free the double banana that's causing a storm in the fruit world but first our picture spin quiz fingers on the buzzers team Robert and Paul well Eamonn I've recently been in Hartford sure looking at magic tortoises and also this is this is a story about a man who what's going on where does Jack think that missing piece might be is it down the back of your sofa table is it Gibraltar nope now the really tragic side to this was that face time TVs the really really tragic part of all of this was that the manufacturers had stopped making Jack's jigsaw what they did do what they made a piece specially for Jack happy face a happy face and is that someone telling you this items gone on long enough favor yeah somebody talking to me there yeah get psychic are you mean anything to anybody here oh you're telling me what the jigsaw was called yeah all right there.use Justine apparently she was just in yeah who turn to the prodigal son yeah I have to read this order queue but I didn't know we had one I thought everybody in the middle was just really bryon complaints about everybody sort of vocal inflections apart from Lady gaga who got into trouble for miming no no Lady Gaga doesn't sing at all her voice is genetically modified and comes out of a telephone on the top third the Russell Crowe thing was tricky he changed his voice several times during the film didn't he oh that's what I think Morton said you know he was Irish for a bit and he was north of England you say that to his face is he here is he coming on the sofa to be honest but that was money well spent pokerface was one of her singles in this called pokerface I knew that you've got a Russell Crowe definitely had voice coaching for his latest rollers as Robin Hood and who did he base his accent on oh I know this yes yes he said it was based on Michael Parkinson he did which is why Robin Hood at the opening scene in the forest says ladies and gentlemen can I welcome Jamie Cullum according to the independent since joining the BBC Robert Peston is undertaken voice coaching three times a week with the people of Britain run for the hills this is from meatpacker is it yeah I mean Packer the paper not called me pack up me a puppy yeah yeah it's a wider circle of readership I think you're fine or I've wandered into a zone of which I know very little let me take you by the hand lead you through the back streets of London and show you some people make you change your moon wherever you put your oyster card mind the gap [Applause] [Music] thank you thank you and good night good evening nice to see you too see you what's the matter nothing passing I just realized it's been seven years since I last did the show seven years so thank you all for having me back so soon there she is she's even older than you Bruce [Applause] no knobs with you the queen is what 84 no she's 78 79 somewhere I'm 82 I love those old people that come up to you they're always a bit short and they look everything I'm 84 you know I'm still presenting you're gonna be a heck getting the audio and then I'll deal with you [Applause] [Music] moving your head the lights shining right in my eyes no I will behave Bruce we couldn't couldn't do the show without you it would be better but we couldn't do the start with me son how dare you ad-lib with genius are we and they never get to the show since they're the Queen's 84 just come [Music] [Applause] so the getting the fives right [ __ ] great very rarely say this and I never thought I'd say to you I'm sorry who is the biggest loser out of all this anybody know who it was serviced somebody said this is the easiest episode of this I've ever done normally have to read the papers and stuff but you just shout it they'll edit that out and we'll just we go like that it tastes good enough to eat with nothing on my love's [Applause] imagine about those Stoke commercials that one of them I had to eat these scones yeah you know with with the stole Colin I had to do it didn't it didn't it spread well do it nine times this is terrible magic stop people look in the you know do another commotion for a brucey bonus does anyone know a Brucie bonus Brucie bonus you'll never get one for a start she reportedly replied I effing hope not I'm not swearing on British television and I'm but the way you were looking at me before I reckon you will buy these and I can't stand the soldier little buggers anyway you just sworn on television Oh Magus oh yes I did right if you better you could say you get nothing for a pair in this key [Music] I think we're at a disadvantage here yes Laura cos we don't remember any of these shows you're too young to have seen any of them hang on a sec what you're seeing you're at a disadvantage because Paul and I have stalked Bruce for years we've become encyclopedic knowledgeable on his career you know catchphrases from his old shows yes you say you react to his analysts in the 70s like old friends when you said stalking that was a subtle reference to the and boom I even have one of his records [Music] my job loose you can come up me but I've got the ammunition [Music] my little bocce no it's about sheep you see you're too young to remember and even couldn't get less about what do you mean when he was younger had the I TV button of his television set removed by Harrods with you I'm really can you give us a bit my little bow Julia the song after Brucie bonus follows me so you are a song about a budgie that have followed you like the sort of softest pirate ever sort of ear are we talking about you're talking as a little early fifties no sort of time of the Beatles and stones then my little buddy comedy nobody records huge hits in the sixties weren't they they were verdict ribbons had several hole in the ground yeah Right Said Fred comin up like this no way oh wait look great I'm good I saw a faylene if we remove the ceiling with low po2 hitting the other by the flu [Music] each other [Applause] while Ian was at Oxford learning style the two of us were in the musical all of a sudden he's green with envy he would have loved have got up and down there exactly wouldn't you and yes Bruce how fast is she moving unbelievable the siege has been fired out of a cabinet according to the Sun which film did she charge three hundred pound to take part in your face I'm the house that's 80s I think we're looking at there the eighties it's a sleeping bag money she's got now she saw homeless she actually has to wear that sleeping bag around their round to which this week is called Bruce's Got Talent all you have to do is button when you know the new story it relates to music gives you look you okay has my 40-piece Orchestra arrived what where right okay we're ready is it by a little bhaji [Music] come fly with me let's fly let's fly away if you can use some exotic foods there's a bar in far Bombay let's fly let's fly away oh come fly with me let's work down to Peru [Music] and he'll toot his fruit for you Oh someone just a minute just omit be fair for goodness sake I bet you wouldn't have done that if I was Michael Buble Buble I would've got punched it's just not in his eyes when he was singing negotiations the weekend were going well until Derek Simpson started tweeting he's a union leader yeah that's right I was just gonna say that oh really I thought I'd say it for you Oh read the card there no that's too big the United [Music] [Laughter] I'll give you an eye test anytime that is one of the most delightfully sinister things I've ever seen I'll give you an eye test any time there are a few people unhappy with my tweeting and calling me a [ __ ] a dick and several unrepeatable name you've just said dick on it I'm getting the feel of it right it's dirty brew it's too hot potato you're ruining a promising career fingers on buzzers teams here's your next clue that's right that's what all the people say it's just your approach shooter again well she didn't do it don't come near me Bruce I was saving her that's a panic alarm the way you were lying on that desk I was worried about your hips all right I never a hip chest we knew even more sinister I'll go hit test energy little short house I wouldn't do it I totally just started believe I've just had a fight he and his rock and a no parking sign in Devon who was that me when you bet yeah that's good idea Oh yours are in range what did you think do you think I want to call the police oh no continuity the continuity all right should we do it again what's that [Music] that's the first time I've seen that couple in five years the boy did you remember the Blue Lamp oh yes yes remember Gugu with us yes now it's all down your shirt from yesterday they have all had a plant named after them apart from the no parking sign which so this is long a tree then I dunno this one no soldier yeah give me the card and I'll get it right get a plant named after you at the Chelsea Flower Show yeah it's a big industrial plant in Bradford in his lock his debut was among 20 varieties that were shortlisted for plant of the year of the Chelsea Flower Show this week sadly the in didn't win oh so no change there there who wants to see a picture you want to see yes yeah how was the Ian his rock Dalia described beautiful delicate sunshine and love of freedom will ramble anywhere but can be house-trained up a wall no it said it was suitable for a hot border Ian how did you react to learning that a Dahlia had been given your name I was I was very flattered so I'm gonna get some small ones and then plant them in my garden so every day I can look at myself if you find your wife deadheaded and there might be a bit worried [Music] Ian his lab has had a Davian named after him according to one guide to the Chelsea Flower Show competition will be stiff in the plant of the Year award where Ian his lab is up against an open harsh on poor is near it means that the mutant couples have sat behind your desks all night and you've given your all I couldn't have done not gonna tried any harder you could you couldn't give down the law the votes have been counted and independently verified and I can now announce tonight's winner the winning couple is Paul enough [Applause] you know what it's been an incredible journey yet journey journey on a rollercoaster that I'll never forget emotional journey of roller coaster costing and rolling yeah good night and remember keep dancing [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] they said remember the boom as well with the with the human hair on it that was supposed to stop and reaching the beaches on Louisiana it was just all they needed to do is get a load of middle-aged men to clear out their belly book this able week with the stock did not you penny oh you could alternately get lots of really hairy men to actually swim through it soaking it all up that much more ludicrous than what is there going to put a million tons of chips in and set fire to it [Music] [Applause] what it's a boy didn't even know I was pregnant what has this man got to do with all this it's Henry Waxman a US energy only really what you give me is that what you said in cabinets we've all been waiting for that of me obviously lots of people are upset about the oil spill here senator James Carville talking about Obama it just looks like he's not involved in this man you got to get down here take your so let's put somebody in charge of this thing and get this thing moving we're about to die down here somebody looks like you sits on benches and shouts up both Susie we began you know you walk it's your pub and there's a bloke who looks like that at the bar and says do fancy a game authority of and now they're blaming Obama because he personally hasn't dived down after walking on the water and saved them and they're furious with him this is what happens when you're in power isn't it John you get blamed for everything I don't know I was never in power but I always got blamed for everything one of the failed attempts to solve this crisis was to cover the leaking oil pipe with something described as a top act bloody Alice David Cameron being and dies in them class war Prescott [Applause] dooty these I know I've been bought is to put a scouser right between these two fish I got a little bit of balance and that you've been booked to feel the first punch it's because the public was sick of all those people fiddling expenses when they jump yes with David Laws set out the pool people are a ton hey back money the situation and I never did it right what about the council tax on Admiralty Arch Admiralty Arch I paid it yeah you paid Act you believe everything in private I have your new seats there Lucy another story totally untrue I have never had the taxpayer paid for my Lucy - I bought - Lucy the taxpayer didn't was it for the same Lou [Music] to the toilet seat that seeps that was some you were quite clean on that one a pay for those toilet seats whatever was sending it was clear because some Tory reported me to the parliamentary commission us today it wasn't true Cheeta bean then well the same with that that was inquired into after a complaint by a tory and they said there was a replacement of rotten wood as another building which was allowed under maintenance right so we didn't pay for the lucy but we did play for a lot of other [ __ ] you this how did laws defend himself paying his partner with taxpayers money he said he was of no financial benefit to him and that he could have been richer if they bought a mortgage together well I'm glad Jon's adopting a strong position on that I'm using publicly funded buildings for secret love twists honestly [Music] I just want to say if the producers are watching I'm not taking the first point but isn't my right not the left you have to be well of course the Commons looks like are you going to take it that's the big story well when they invite me I'll tell you okay and if you take it will it be because your wife told you to know well that's the press of Tobias like Private Eye you can't believe everything you read in the paper but if you read an interview in The Scotsman in which they write down the words that you say to them and they seem to contain the phrase either I will never take a period or my wife told me to are we to assume you never said anything yes I'm true that column and I tell you the trouble with journalists in the main they get it all on the cuttings they don't come and ask you they say okay you know interviewed was a Scotsman I don't know where that I wasn't to be well now you see that's the trouble with politicians by a lot of people and we have to be honest in your reply I can't remember but if you ask me did I say that I'd say no no but do you all will you believe everything you read in the paper no obviously not do you believe everything that you say [Applause] [Music] time now for round two Prescott egg of you remember that someone threw an egg at me once in case you don't here's a reminder the dignity of office Oh Tommy Tommy go out and connect with the election just for the vehicles New England World Cup squad has left for South Africa who got left behind the big news is young field wasn't allowed into the squad I was gutted Gotti is Fabian play [Music] yes this is the news that the Japanese Prime Minister's being ridiculed for his fashion sense after wearing this particular shirt the Prime Minister long history of fashion crimes no Littman's lovely and the comments here pop no it's still having that one didn't you I really like that I think it's really pretty I'll tell you what it feels lovely and the shirt does too this is harassment in the work who else has been picked up on their fashion sense this week why did you say e'en in that way because I'm known for my fashion sense the Quan five years old can you guess the headline it's an elephant anniversary yeah I've been asked what the papers are saying coming I don't go and even return to a black and white world stage to me are you saying reality shows have faked an awful lot of her driving before you got incident like that so closely the camera imagine filming loads of stuff just so you can get off and I was program okay it really depends who's driving I've got what and then going home to what I've got a cabinet post and I'm going on to my mate I've got caught out and I'm going home to face the missus luckily my old do that again because the Twitter at the end there yeah let's do it okay I've got what and then going home to what I've got caught and I'm going home [Applause] as mine was taken I've got a cabinet post and I'm going on to my good mate [Applause] Prime Minister let's slip he's what he's a conservative he's gay too the answer is had the snip this is the prime minister of New Zealand a bit of bollocks this is the prime minister of New Zealand who told reporters he had a vasectomy [Applause] you won't know you will not know how long this afternoon I've been trying to do that word tell you and the Prime Minister's Questions I had difficulty - in other words I made a reputation art with I tried to say the name Milosevic and I thought my province I asked the question sir move it don't you say it quickly nobody will pick it up mistake it's amazing in it just written is written phonetically as well he just said to sleep they said that but I thought the word to say the word properly if I could and I didn't that's like yeah mind you is not only we go back again then I'm put snipping come on you're being mean it's a pretty small mistake in the light of the last 50 take a deep breath Oh bars piece of porcelain and you know it's 1,000 to me are you doing the first bit first right [Music] every single word at once [Applause] colonial do I read that out this is the prime minister of New Zealand who told the reporters it had a snip it's complete confusion this could be confusing if you went to the barbers they said you fancy snip behind the ear

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 312,443

Keywords: hignfy

Id: h5FLoCGAW-4

Length: 96min 58sec (5818 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 05 2020