The best of hignfy series 25

[Applause] and welcome to have I got news for you my name is Martin Clunes and the fact that I've been a guest on this program several times before means that there's only one chair on this set I haven't sat in what was the term coined by the Americans for the opening phase we're on the same side I'm getting friendly fire [Applause] so you aren't happy about the situation blender which situation are we talking about the toppling of Saddam the statute oh yes yeah well I think rather more than the statue has been toppled hasn't if they still haven't found him perhaps he's riding in the same place as the weapons of mass destruction a statue was him he gives chucked in the skipping he runs off home couple of days for him though because everyone hit him with the shoes that's the ultimate offense zip someone who pulled down the trousers and rub the genitals in the face that's the real insult jeez that's a sign of forgiveness [Applause] - he wants to be a millionaire and they devised his scheme where he somebody in the autumn cough to let him know you know even on the right horn so and we haven't got to the answers yet the plan was brilliant in that you'd have the most stupid person you can find as the frontman yeah no possibility he'll know even one arm says why isn't he sick I was coughing but I wasn't signalling explanation of how he didn't pick up and Anu where that was he said well short of someone lighting a fire and sending smoke signals I'd have no idea the questions I did know danced some of the questions yes well the man who designed the center of Paris and there is a thing called the boulevard haussmann yes that was the five hundred thousand pound question I think it is where he was brilliant that the major Ingram because there's a and says Houseman was the answer so he said Houseman did design which major city is a Paris he looks blank B Berlin he goes half a million pound it shouldn't be easier happens no no I think it's I think it's Berlin a swirling there's no coughing I think it's burning it's definitely burning everybody's coffee I don't I don't think it's Paris the agreement was it was a suggestion that the agreement was that he would go as far as a hundred twenty-five thousand and not go any further than that big Lido's because they thought that the more it goes on the more likely you are to be discovered but he thought he was doing so well that he just kept going on around there when he won the million him and the wife into the dress room and they had a blazing round you know what circumstances do with a million pounds I have a blazing and you bloody idiot what are we going to do the story of the year they talk about it every week you'll feel guilty if he dies of SARS of all our pictures were not happy with haven't we in do I know what's coming the Middle Eastern country that isn't Lebanon that that's a girl called Jordan oh right we see after your BAFTA you see much over these days I think everybody sees quite a lot all Tony Blair Putin Ruby Wax why because Glenda coughed one out cuz he's the only one who's trapped in Putin's transparent stomach we've all done voices for animation you see yes I said except Putin he hasn't done hasn't done a voice no but he is furious with the resemblance he bares to Dobby the house-elf in the latest well done the Express therefore spotting that similarities go to the White House and say all mr. Bush been a bad a few more look-alikes here you'll like this one Linda Peter Mandelson and mrs. Tweedy from chicken run [Applause] you need to know which is which on that one not to mention lady Penelope's show for Parker and Noel Gallagher yeah what swallowed by so far mr. ensign was in disaster she was interviewing the Archbishop of Canterbury and said he'd a safer way last thing you saw was the teeth going so how long have you been in it but the way she's gone she's down the back of a sofa duty does version of 911 ski saying thank God we got this before the innovations catalogue closed down pulling Glen they get this that's her but what about the other caption mm-hmm don't we being told what the caption was I know there was one we had to think of one Oh Colin Glen forget this that was it what we just had it was it no there wasn't a real answer that's the idea wasn't in the headlines know if as they show you a picture of squirrel yeah they ask you to say something even vaguely amusing and then they cut it from the show that's a photograph of the squirrel no no no what do you think the real capture was this gusty Commission are you being sarcastic yes it's an English characteristic okay so we've now got to find a caption for this squirrel picture is this right oh you get your own the game right well I've got squirrels no well if you grind your necking will get your picture out porygon de get this kill the drug that he knows on the drugs he's only noisy and doesn't even know who's on the squirrel you want to see the squirrel okay the school saying mass into God's sake in the show what did Boris Johnson find in the wreckage of Terry cow scissors oh this was fantastic every other journalist in the world goes to Baghdad and comes up with a secret document Boris goes in I can't find any his old house and finds a cigar holder fantastic scoop Boris anybody know apparently found the Arabic version of the game of Risk think about the weapons of mass destruction Tariq Aziz has actually been sitting there on the Saturday night throwing day you could never get in risk wasn't it only from Alaska oh right [Laughter] I know you I've seen you before it was a bill but then so was the treatment of anga station on this program it's the latest developments Iraq just doing your brain William that buoy washes over him to know how to ignore boots the [Applause] listen difficult I tell jokes doesn't mean you should have political opinions [Applause] coming along give us a signal when you well it's ours it's ours it's the evident world's least frightening disease 90% of the people who get it are fine and the only ones who die the ones who are treated in jungle clearings geographies not too hot how many jungles are there in Beijing well there's a would SARS isn't scary that's the most important only in the Daily Mail is it scary where everything's scary yeah yogurt is scary I think it was a Canadian PR stunt to get on the news where look how important we are we're so important people come here with SARS so Canadians aren't one of those small bits of humanity you like does anybody know a Canadian no you see nobody how can I have it up there those Canadian then the girl next does it put your hand down and what said to have started SARS it's chicken neck chicken now yes isn't it to do with living close to chickens you would know about this and wouldn't you I wasn't referring to anything more recent in Hong Kong so if anyone believes and so how small is it according to the male nanotechnology is technology on the scale of about one hundred thousandth of the width of a human hair for those familiar with human hair I suppose I should be flattered to be made bald jokes say I looked like you but then I got the lawyers any why you two stop it mutually admire in each other technology you get so small we won't be able to find it today I have voted by post you bet I did I just want having voted I have vote it who did you vote for why I didn't if anyone ever told you it's a secret ballot we'd all like to know rest assured it wasn't you next question who's shopping list this week included tighty-whitey undies yours who you are now you're from that political party from the olden days no I don't think so the only one anyone recognizes is Ann Widdecombe and she's confused us all by going blonde I was watching her for half an hour on question time thinking blimey soo bahk has slept on a bit of weight how does Bob Marley like his Donuts that's not I mean we're jamming absolutely all right mm what have rainbow trout been trying to tell us this week Paul and Jeremy because it says great fish can't feel pain but of course they they can it seems to be time so that they can but that angle is always said that they can't feel pain there's no reason why they should feel pain they're swimming a long maybe goes in their mouth pops them out like oh no that problem Bhagavan won't back in the thing they don't feel any pain foxes feel pain no fox has ever told me that it felt pain when I ran one over the other day I could have braked I chose not to how did the French justify voting for Chirac rather than lepen they had banners up which said vote for the crook not the fascist absolutely I'm going to suggest this to Jeffrey after next time he fooled you they didn't he he really did used to use his gym didn't you actually was it really a gym though so I can imagine him saying come and use my luxury gym and you get down there no it's just a Black & Decker benchmark is it Michael quick we see the biographer write the letter to you saying outlines six or seven different points about Jeffrey Archer why he shouldn't endorse him as candidate for mayor good imagining he says he did do you regret that do you feel do you feel a bit of a fool retrospect I think it was my biggest mistake right really an honest politician you don't meet many of these hey how did this said talking of which how well we have it Sykes will be rather miss does the second-biggest I just concentrate on the bigger that's a big big enough one actually featuring this week's guest publication a particular favorite of mine black belt magazine blue belt myself and that's the way I like it you still do weekly so once or twice a week can you kill people with your bare hands yes but only one editor at a time now the actual answer from black belt magazine is jeet kune do-- are grappling down too many [Applause] so let's have the next person which is now got very easy when to try what and when to not even think about it we don't know if that's a blank or is that a black belt this actually physically been stung before new new Guinness that's one of your accent the answer is judo grappling well that brings us the other night between you and said coach I didn't really kill him once he did pass out but that's different from actually being killed between Frank Bruno and on Widdecombe my money's on air watch this program how long has it been on for now 13 years and I've never thought of an answer they're not like I've never thought of one as good as you got I've never thought of one again faced with the humiliation sitting looking at it going just stay on the grass if you're on the road Jeremy Clarkson a bloody thing I mean is he having a 21st birthday he is and he's having a 21st birthday party that Charlotte invited Carla people's occasion you know having a glass or two of ties or whatever they're up actually Williams favorite chat-up line what's he say I'll be king one day getting the babies get him off lightnin oh now we're here on this little card it says hi and the future king wanna pawn Charlotte no no you don't know you prefer the kind of peanut butter off maybe Harry now you want someone whose equivalent level of richness really then Saddam he's got a few quid warming story particularly for anyone who has been to Tunbridge Wells you give me a ten bridge whales don't you I do now I think it's terrific next time in Tunbridge Wells if I'm I don't know surrounded by rowdy use all the Joker is attacking me and trying to take my wallet Auden comes this man no belly in the local paper a hollowed people wrote in saying this brilliant man I was having trouble being pestered by three young people and Along Came the Caped Crusader and said go leave this person alone and they also blimey it's Batman they ran off Superman runs a kebab shop in Lewes x-ray vision just heats up the meters eternally JLo a type of low-fat yogurt I believe yes delicious now I know who JLo is no gluten yeah what she's raided a bank she's got us oh I - that's a very quite a fashionable thing I see remember that was all for a few years ago people prefer Telesis but now all the rage really big anybody do the national IQ test never got for a level did you really get for a levels in or have you included general studies sorry do carry on yes but nobody includes it saying I got cycling proficiency 25 yards breaststroke but only the theory rising Li liberal school in every single newspaper this week Tony Blair was 50 on Tuesday so as he nears the end of his life it's time to look deeply orishas [Music] lucky like guitars during an interview with Tony Blair for Vanity Fair magazine last week what Alastair Campbell interrupted that's not a question oh really well that should be boy we're saying being - you're saying we don't do what we don't do god yeah you seem to be unduly upset I'm sorry I just wanted the lady on the team to win oh right well before you've asked a question you should then sort of take their first answer yeah that's true I didn't even joke you've got that point well we can change it anyway it's like remarking GCSEs get up you guys well it's the second one along the top is the one with the arrow I think it's probably Frank Sinatra's a moment of that the one with a beard it looks like Tchaikovsky I didn't recognize it as Tchaikovsky but is it Tchaikovsky Tchaikovsky right so who's the fourth one oh that's easy can we play the fourth one again clean my daughter plays it all the time what you can you phone your daughter I don't know who that is why it's gonna who's got those white white teeth I think American American pop princess Britney Spears Britney Spears exactly Frank Sinatra Tchaikovsky and Britney Spears the answer is they are all pieces of music that were found in the CD collection of former Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Tareq Aziz except Britney Spears although her posters were plastered over the walls in one of Saddam's palaces and so one of Britney's management trying to do with her at the moment killer not right they're actually trying to shift the tension away from personal gossip is that ever gonna happen what is the personal gossip the personal gossip when you've got the whole thing with her and a split from Justin now see this is my part of the show do you think that's true then Leslie split with Justin yeah they've talked about it both of them have talked about openly and interviews who she would say that's not her so how she's been with a string of guys galloway paid in cash for what recipe of cough syrup exotic recipe for lobsters japanese men holding a look at all the peace we could add this fish and in Los Angeles Catherine zeta-jones is baby is old enough to grasp the idea that that old man is actually her father [Applause] on Tuesday a cartoon in The Times drew an amusing parallel with I'm a celebrity get me out of here as if the Express cartoonist the son cartoonist and the mirrors headline writers whilst the London Evening Standard went with this has only seen the amusing front cover of Private Eye this week very amusing and only one pound 30 the Telegraph showed us what Theresa May was wearing thanked me shoes any idea what they did in the afternoons according to charissa main you don't want to know who turned up to the weekend in a new Porsche 911 Boris it was Boris he turned up saying I'm about to bond it's gonna be tremendous he looked like I'm sure I've seen that shot in the porn movie we meant to have a referendum on this but Blair doesn't want a referendum perfectly good reason he'd lose so we're not having a referendum we have a referendum on whether their local council elections whether you want a monkey in Hartlepool really important issues but on the fact you want to be ruled by a group of people in Brussels it's not important you're going up on one there weren't yeah but it's sort of irritating like three minutes and it'll be bleached aliens well having that that is a reasonable point actually [Music] it's very easy to snare but if you mean the Italians like mr prodi the commissioner who had to resign along with the whole of the Commission on charges of corruption it's a reasonable point about Italians or in the old days to be on to Europe too so he'll come run into jobs only pen Peter sure that sort of group they were all that to you whether his vintage really yeah they weren't and euro you were saying with I don't think Tony Benn never used to go oh bloody baguettes there a bloody disgrace no I didn't say that you've just made that up [Applause] it's all very well people coming on and say all journalists make it up and you want someone with the most deviously twisted argument I've seen in the least well five minutes bloody [ __ ] you pretended to have hot dinners mate when they told me I was gonna make a film for 20th Century Fox I next we thought Prescott tells man Wilson shut this what the Europe is in come on yes you're warm you're doing well oh you're a little tease a big tease another side of you John do you believe in meteorites they're not aliens now believe me they really believes in meteorites they're not a favorite creature drawn [Applause] comments they also exist 750 times more likely to dine an asteroid impact than to win the National Lottery yes thank you it's very important right yes thank you thank you very much thank you very much to get hold on that is quite enough it's the heat that gets you from the asteroid is it the lava there is a cream you can get yes does it stop you Jean yes yes nobody said anything in the last five minutes was the answer is yes if he ever gets an edit point yes yes us imp you w Barney what's that all about the varrock you people who they're interrogating at the moment and in order to break them they played the Barney song Adam repeatedly for 45 minutes as Island I have no children myself I am told that this is a compelling thing anyway I love you you love me that's I'm quoting by the way and I I don't know if they actually get Barney to come into the cell I think that's against the Geneva Convention all right let us have a go at some of this music and just see whether we feel torture here we go right that too let's go on an hour because there's more music okay here we go [Music] director do you think that standards in television a falling membered what about your girlfriend no shunted votes you'd love being out in the jungle from when from the moment she arrived to the boat she left but she was bored to tears nothing to do she didn't do anything for a long time did she that was the problem do you know what the problem was with Shawn Lloyd yet she couldn't change her shoes for seven days that's what they called it when we didn't have a dump in the jungle it's true why would she want to go to the toilet and I'll show you that's what they called it for the sensibilities of the viewing public but when she finally did we actually putting this rubbish on we're going to talk about a moment when she finally got in to call between you dig up something up to five years and try and guess who they were Darius's spirity digitally yes the word yes was misused that was date yes yes so you know theorem enter smart your pop culture she scanned estar is now so grand he thinks he's what laughs yeah no the answer is louis xiv oh yes he does to let us in one I don't again to another end but really what does that mean the state is me that's basically his plan for the new European Constitution how do you feel about that [Applause] I'm not too bothered really wish I hadn't done that you excited a lot of people last week being with that what did you say in you were too busy watching Liberty get me out of here the Tories are threatening to bring in to produce a report on BBC if they get into power oh it's actually David Elstein who's former head of Channel five the country's fifth most popular broadcaster what what a brilliant last remark that was Adam faith on his deathbed that was reminders of the last remark Channel five it's all [ __ ] isn't it and then he died he was watching the television his young mistress was 23 in charming trouble with famous last words you're on your deathbed you say something's wish you knew but existing charm you know it's deep it's profound then you've got to shut up if you can't then say could you pass the tissue Milligan whose grace then says I told you I was ill yeah beneath this sort lies another one that was another one he was going to do pointless rubbish it's to do with the Eurovision Song Contest it Newt birth and the song by Gemini it was considered to be rubbish anyway certainly came bottom of the boat yes no point still for the first time ever I thought of Turkey would do quite well cause the belly dancing but of course I was really backing to do what you really I like they were useless tattoo were not used to our personal friends of my sorry John Major's a personal friend of John Major is a very good man he's a vet he would actually quite like to do this and he would come wearing a tie so we hit can I say yeah John Major he dresses so well guys pick you up on me a tattoo really personal friends of yours well I have met them and I actually know tact better than two but that's certainly true he would like to see the Eurovision entry again well I didn't see it at all seriously so I don't know if it's as bad as people say well what's this okay [Music] not to worry a is only a front of 150 million people do you know why they called Gemini yes we were in tune we weren't you perfect we should do it next year we just post it on C fax I spot trainspotters I go along to Clapham Junction of us oh there's one a platform floor there's a place a bloke in Leicester I still haven't got me and Ian chew it what they're wearing as well what they're wearing what they've had for breakfast how tall they are their main commander like make of an Iraq you know fleece line hood up hood down summer winds of all weathers I've got an all in me book you can send a little message to me into it now okay hello Ian what came first right the is name but now on paper sandwich invented the sandwich sitting around a game well you say you wanted something sort of quickly that you could eat and so he there were some meats and money to put it between two pieces of bread a star do you know I know that's a very good idea what do you call it and he said well I'm gonna name it after myself from now and it's to be known as a colleague for several hundred years became a sandwich we know it was this Earl of Sandwich supposedly invented the sandwich and he was playing that night with the Duke of Wellington yeah mm-hmm who kicked him yep thus giving rise to another autonomous artefact leave she boot beep shoes speech the third car was the Earl of Cardigan yeah he really was bad Lord traffic cone is their invented a telephone box the first Baron trouser press excessive line was invented by the Earl of [ __ ] 1878 he was called Lord Blair the French pay homage to what Ian Hislop loved him have you heard about Ian no based on Ian no lovely and where did a bush move on to after the g8 summit to the Middle East to solve the next crisis there was a certain etiquette of handshakes that became interesting now [Music] when does it get the Mars it gets to Mars on Christmas Day and then they share if there's life on Mars yeah and then on Boxing Day the Americans go in and execute a regime change you want to see the inventor we had a quick glimpse you got him yeah he's calling the Tillinger it's how they launched it anyone was really quickly on the top of the hill how will we know when it's got to Mars they'll lose all communication there's a cool sign by blur I think we've got it actually all operators are busy at the moment what did cuddles is the first guide Pony in the u.s. due recently he went on Oprah the pound of year the pony went on to win this one Oprah yeah it's very different than the summer the guide Pony know he was going to be things going down where am I sister what am I doing here also have been tried out in aeroplanes is it a homing pony it's kind of like a homing bird but they have to take their shoes off to be examined for security of the pony what the hell have you taken me on this point insurance and and glorified loan sharks are the only things that are open on daytime tell you when children's programs are on because I've got children helping out I was this is absolutely true I was putting my four-year-old to bed and he was also kind of sleepy and he said mummy nice idea and he said are you a homo shall I get to the whole mortgage thing and I said well it sort of why and he said do you need an unsecured person anyway I do and he's done me very good as of this week what might you not be allowed to do in a pub swear not allowed to say [ __ ] in the Weatherspoon pub which groups did a spokesman blame drunken blind men looking for their pony or shift workers builders and students which covers the same time as well as a ban on the f-word drinkers in whether [Music] [Laughter] he's gonna piss on the saw vinegar pretty big last week I did we were a part of milk as well as the back I was alright but it Labrador so this is all weather pony they're cheap and I've been skiing open down a mine in a burger burning some about these in his jeans George Bush Tony Blair Peter Mandelson and Greg Dyke Rebecca Waite Piers Morgan Richard Desmond and Richard Little John Delia Smith Nigella Lawson Gordon Ramsay and Ken Hong and Robinson William Hague John sergeant and Jimmy Savile 16 people I mean it can be anything culinary where do you start is it a new Sergeant Pepper album cover they all given an item of clothing no it's about someone who's not there the Queen nobody else famous left how did he sustain himself in the latter parts Oh listening to particular kind of music dire straits uptown girl my Billy Joel and Jenny from the block buy-in by JLo very good fans out as well it's a very interesting song in which she reasserts her ghetto roots against accusations she has in some way sold out it so I find it quite moving what are fair game for reality television I think it's insects I thought they'd see constructive leave still ignoring the baby their task in the day to pick up a very small bit of grass he's saying I was in the war you know and she's saying all right what you want a medal I know your face excuse me love you haven't seen a pony round here [Music] [Applause] thank you so much thank you Oh Carlo be wrong hello you make good evening yes the papers weren't lying it is me but don't worry there'll be no gimmicks no catchphrases so welcome to have I got news for you for you have I got so much better than last week [Applause] oh it's father and son that would be appropriate with grandfather from the chair oh the lap on the back of the euro coin features only those countries in the EU which means Norway is not included and gives Scandinavia and unsettling shape whose outfit match the Queen's Lego Queen the little miniature yeah a little bit equipment the same board expression I have now [Applause] thanks they also they also saw their own busts in Legos that she looks like shrekt the Royal they hit they obviously had all these jobs on one day and somehow Charles got to taste the whiskey yes you imagine when they were parceled out you do the caravan you do Legoland all right because I may throw that Lego lines is the highlight of our tourism industry but they go for the Queen gets it's quite good actually that's it you know that trooping of the colour bit in front it's pretty hot they did I think they played British grenadiers too mmm how excited you were yeah [Music] planning your Araki cards right now these are the cards that the Americans please this is satire now these are the cars that the Americans meant to show all the Iraqi bad guys in the war now in you go first thank you Bruce it's the king of clubs our CC vice chairman is at Abram now then it's a high card think about that the audience will help you do you think it's high or low [Applause] I'm pregnant go much lower she let us see the finish yet I'd say lower what have you got you've got the age of Arts Minister of Defense Sultan Hashim it's a middle card is a middle card so this is difficult okay I never saw this happen for me i TV only Celebi so come on well you all you know I hope you get Marcus a high or low but it's in it's in the middle so it's again no higher how the game would be higher as would Rumsfeld one of the order right let's have a look at this it's the eight of Spades Prime Minister Tariq Aziz and you have a pair you don't get anything for a pair [Applause] units immersing your life are you I've got some old tapes I'll take you so it goes over to Paul and Natasha you've got control of the board okay you have very important okay you've got an eight of Spades here do you think it's higher or lower yes chief scientists who told Sally oh yeah chemical Sally that was her London okay so it's marvelous now the last one the last one it's a fairly low card if we get that right then what I've forgotten [Laughter] [Applause] okay r45 you think they're right oh you're cowards Adam the same so you 14 years for the show to be like this it's funny brushes up against popular culture this is the ongoing over Alistair Campbell's sexing up of the weapons of mass destruction peligro insists that weapons of mass destruction will eventually be found in Iraq well it would be nice to see them to see them could be a drink Canadians dream actually I'm just thinking by the way that you read that all turkey i think should really be a newsreader in your name very smoothly are you being sarcastic now round three is usually the odd one out round but having a much better idea yes so we go to play conveyor belt connections Marcus your first now a number of different items will pass him you must have seen this is this the end of the generation game yes yeah well down well that Bruce on the conveyor belt this time round are a tin of dog food the crown jewels a Klingon the y-chromosome a velociraptor tea earn some sewage comes the first the hey way cuddly toy cockroach desert orchid [Music] alright now you've got 30 seconds starting from now jumping waitin so I've been loved yeah absolutely it was a dog - telly tubby there was a cuddly toy there was a highway same thing there was a why a little like an action man bigger doctor main figure trans man blanket how many points they get 13 what is the connection what is the galettes the important thing got to give you a bit of a cure having given them all to be on the belt in competitive on the increase only well down that's it yes tap-dance on the increase it is on the increase well it must be temptation when the hills are alive with the sound of music right you know your musicals Queen appeared in an amateur version to sound a music that's right isn't it I was Hitler [Laughter] because the core and congratulate the Ian who is well the series and there's our series winner and we're going to offer you the chance to gamble remember all your winnings against our fabulous mystery prize if you win you get to keep both the Series and the prize but I must warn you if you lose you lose the prize and Paul takes the series okay you just have to answer one simple question audience what do you think you should do [Applause] yes in very brave now no help from our audience at this point of the show here's your question Ian it's about football who was the England captain for the match against Slovakia this week Michael Owen let's see what you've won well IAM you're going to be whisked away on a luxury jet to Brussels the very heart of the European Union darkness a firsthand the workings of this exciting so full of economic and cultural community as the personal guests of disgraced French president just understand how does if that wasn't enough we're throwing in 100 euros spending money [Applause]

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 185,242

Keywords: hignfy

Id: pVVyNGG3-90

Length: 56min 28sec (3388 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 29 2020