The best of Hignfy series 41

did anyone see sarah palin's reaction on fox news she actually came up with a new word for the whole thing you know another big question that has to be asked red is are we at war i haven't heard the president say that we are at war and and that's why i too uh not knowing do we use this the term intervention do we use war do we use uh squirmish what is it but that is quite brilliant because that is the american reaction yes it's a squirmish they're desperate not to be involved but they sort of are you can tell the way she talks that literally every word she doesn't know what the next one's going to be so to round two a new idea from the props department wow we've got a props department we have yeah fantastic so for the last time it's the strengthometer of news uh fingers on buzzers i get my on buzzers teams uh here's the first one caroline do you think we should go to war against the liberal democrats is that too hard too harsh that's who sarah palin thinks she is going to war the libyan democrats don't tell me you've lost your little sort of something for her that you had a little twinkle in your eye whenever sarah palin was mentioned or something in your heart that just said sam just as i don't agree with all her views doesn't mean i've written her off as a woman i have to now show you a picture oh yes please it looks like hitler i'm gonna take the rugs yeah sort of he wants to get rid of that pole in front of it by the way and this of course allowed the sun to dust off some pictures from the website cats that look like hitler.com i'd like to see a picture of my infera that's fantastically good actually more sinister than hitler i'd rather have hitler on my lap in that couch well you know your own business best you've been phone hacking people for years and they said they weren't they said it was the result of a loan hacker and the editor of the news the world at the time said he had no idea what was going on i mean why would he he's editing the paper um i can tell you i have no idea um what happens at all at private eye um no that is that is self-evident yes [Music] but uh mr coulson has resigned twice now for something he didn't do yeah which is very noble of him he may even go to jail for something he didn't do i can celebrate he's everything in their lives is on twitter these days anyway bob you're on twitter aren't you i've done a better research what were you twittering i was seeking advice about this program oh anybody anybody who'd give me anything they all said i was mad to come on and that you would murder me well that's a that's a bit strong the little but you might never walk straight a again of that but you know one of them said the little slap head at the end will murder you was this piers morgan you were talking to do you think though that murdoch could just ring up number 10 during your time there and um sort things out do you think he had that much access my time there well you were in the cabinet i know it's easy to forget he's he's thinking about the slap edge is that why you were in the cabin so what did you think of him then what caught him yeah he directly he was the prime minister yeah then you can't have a more ringing endorsement than that what did he do these days since he's no longer on the telly what does he doing he's down here he's pressing some buttons here i could according to one newspaper yeah he's going to run some water i am here he's down there in the tv program [Music] the editor of private eye has also been embroiled in the scandal as evidence has come to light that news of the world journalists have been intercepting his messenger pigeon how far back can a human mouth go i don't know would we like to find out gordon ian you got an idea no not a clue does the name jillian duffy yeah this is julian duffy the woman who who did for gordon brown that's right she's the susan boyle of british politics what is it a teacher at oxford that's so good i don't have to bother going then who paid for your education the taxpayer and then i pay my taxes bob and that funds the next generation or it's meant to accept you introduced tuition fees remember i also left school and started paying taxes so i could pay for your education so that you could start being behaving like a stuck-up i didn't go to university i worked for the news of the world i haven't paid any tax for 25 years good right the picture showed an empty departure lounge and when i fly ryanair or easyjet it's not empty you're a very popular man ian yeah you plotted against him didn't you and he didn't like you because you tried to get rid of him oh how do you know that he told us he's nodding i'm going like that never going to give we're never going to let you down we're not going to run around and desert you never going to make you cry never going to say goodbye i won't tell a lot and hurt you [Music] it's yuri gagarin it is it's 50 years since he was the first man in space that's topical news and um it's very exciting because it's 50 years since he was the first man in space who was that and uh a lot of people are saying hey 50 years since yuri gagarin went up into space that's a long time that's 50 years i forgot to get my present for 50 years 50 years since since he went up what's his name eureka what did gagarin say as the rockets were igniting and which has become his catchphrase can you smell a dead dog in here that's a mistake did he say to infinity and beyond in a russian accent that would have been much cooler he actually said which means off we go hooray do you have a pilot's test when i hit the dashboard re-enter who are we talking about now [Music] you stay where you are gordon gordon invisible is doing better than he ever did visible because it's a wharf to the invisible presence of gordon brown a good lad i tell you very good like cold hands but a good lad touching it it is touching excuse me a minute thank you just given golden brown your yes he's grateful as well look at him looking at me with his big eyes i love you gordon what was the czech president spotted doing this week kevin is still somebody's pen he did indeed forgot a clip did we do he stole the ceremonial pen during an official visit to chile [Music] [Applause] [Music] how happy is that guy going to be with argos open up in the czech republic is there any come back well he must have been annoyed they were playing that music while he was doing it is that a squirrel no it's a rabbit you've got a lot of wildlife in scotland word spreads that food ministries have agreed to a worldwide ban on turtle soup i think you should do the coverage at the wedding i'd be very happy to do so but they won't let me they've given it to the blake from formula one no yeah and then here it comes no you're mixing them up with the guy who did it before that was no same one [Laughter] in fairness quoting m.c hammer isn't massively killed it is in wales [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] it was an advert for t-mobile just to put this sort of thing to some americans apparently thought that was real footage according to the metropolitan police what will not be tolerated on the day any attempt to crash the wedding by people who haven't got a ticket damn isn't it normally an invite to a wedding what did i say a ticket a ticket i was thinking of the one that prince andrew sold me [Music] from the telegraph kate has invited her very first boyfriend willem marks i like williams that are too posh to bother with the e bit what's above that at the bottom you've got sort of people like bill maynard then if you're a bit possibly will sort of will somebody above that it's just a noise that's the top one if kate and william have a girl that she might be allowed to be queen rock on sisters yeah yeah definitely do that rock on sisters yes the tory party really has changed that's white tie though not morning dress is it oh dear you knew that off the top of your head that's a bit posh isn't it this is why you picked that up you think that right away man of the people that's what he turned up rock on brothers [Music] gary will you be having a street party suggests i live in a street um no i won't be a street party but i should be having a party watching the wedding on television will you yeah with myself he's like oh god that's one of the most grotesque images that's ever passed on let me let me replace the image for you taking my 15 yards of bunting and hanging myself [Music] will you be having a party i might take the kids to a street party and gretin in my patch and so perhaps we'll just wave the bunting nick is sponting and waving you'd cut me down then take the bunting which i've hung myself and give it to your children yeah have you not heard this means we're all in this together are these are times of austerity mr merton i can't let perfectly good bunting go to waste you know well i think it shows a care inside to the tory plan absolutely plus if you would have got a suit for the wedding go down the cemetery [Music] [Music] get you a couple what's going to happen at buckingham palace at precisely 12 30 a.m oh they're turning the lights off they absolutely are and all the foreign crews are furious because their audiences will have just woken up so when all the american broadcasters want to stand outside the buckingham palace and say here i am live it's going to be completely dark selfish of us why couldn't we time the wedding to be in the middle of the night here the americans could i hope there are ab watch so that nbc can shove in an advert for what is it nachos oh blinding do i need to do this number six once yes sorry oh that's nice we'd all like to do hell and mirror that's what we're doing here at the end of that round i'd quite like to be head of the imf well at the end of that round ian would quite like to be ahead of the imf [Applause] can't you nominate yourself yeah i think you'd do a very good job can't you get a hold of a ticket somewhere i briefly saw a bit of news this morning and he was on the news doing that is that the kind of dedication you've got to this show after all these years paul well i briefly saw a bit of news this morning i've seen the wind know how much i wanted yeah we've had a v here for years they've tried to level the playing field by being ignorant but it doesn't work a b c and d you've got four blank faces you cannot see who they are you're not allowed to know who they are they may or may not have done something with ladies who are not their wives one of them definitely doesn't rhyme with uh even though he's a footballer and uh one of them might someone call the police i'm sitting here next to a conservative mp who's trying to break a series of super injunctions i'm absolutely appalled these gentlemen are perfectly entitled to privacy they may have slept with a bunch of slappers all of them without telling their wives but that is entirely their own affair whether they run banks or play football or act in popular television shows it's none of your business or have columns in newspapers really or indeed edit private eyes the answer is there is an odd one out but for legal reasons we can't tell you which one or why judges are making up privacy law as they see fit we don't have a proper privacy law which you lot in parliament should have got around to but you haven't um and it's time you did to stop judges just making it up as they go along because they inevitably balance um freedom of the individual privacy against the press's freedom of expression and obviously in the case of a load of slappers and footballers it's pretty arguable but one day a proper case will come along where we need to know what's happening and we won't be able to because these stupid injunctions what are the consequences of us breaking these rules like if i know who one of these people is what would happen to me you'd go to jail you'd get the uh you get the question right first there's a point in yes already you're a winner at this point yes and then it's not it's not great after that but don't let's just show up again focus on the gaming question let's just get this done and then worry about your future people are like teabags what they they work well und in in hot water but they then have to be poured through the spout of opportunity into the cup of hopefulness you have come in many shapes and sizes and we shouldn't try to find the perfect t-bag because some are triangular some are round and some are square and some aren't even tea bags they're loose teeth and they need to be looked after more than the other team because they haven't been put in a bag they haven't been given boundaries after driving around the streets of berkshire a pensioner finally tracks down the gang who stole her curtains it's a fascinating picture because you don't see what it is they're looking at you see hillary clinton look so thoughtful i like to think that if you look the other way it would just be michelle showing them color swatches [Laughter] i'm not sure one of these two people is joe biden but they look identical i thought maybe they used one of those panoramic cameras and joe biden for a bit of a laugh i ran round i'd be in it twice the idea that no one in pakistan knew he was there do you know mr bin laden at all do you chat over the fence yes he's lovely he's lovely he keeps himself to himself they all sound like alan bennett in pakistan [Music] oh i don't know about the beard but hang on do you mean for burning rubbish what do you mean ineffectively that that's just rubbish where you're burning that that's how the neighbours knew though because they didn't put out amusingly his bins that's right the rest of them dutifully because they they're all alan bennett putting out the bins he may be dead he may be seriously wounded he may be in afghanistan he may be somewhere else that was some years ago obviously these puppets a bit crap though isn't it it's not fooling anyone you can see the fingers and everything come on so who let's start a war we will not stop let me start oh you chicky popping do they select seals with names like that they're just anyone welsh and you're in you just go do you want to join all right i quite like to find that with me give me a fish and i'd be right in there that's how they do it uh why did the burial at sea upset some muslim fundamentalists because they were in a dinghy just underneath and he was respectfully buried from a height of thirty thousand feet so when he hit the dinghy he was doing he was doing it over eighty and unfortunately it was a rubber dinghy and he bounced him the navy seal's got a shock when he emerged [Music] i thought i thought we got rid of him i chucked him out the back watch that beard on the rotors flying no everyone was looking at the men's clothes you see cameron's tie quickly though who wasn't there who wasn't at the wedding i wasn't there i wasn't there he wasn't there yeah gordon brown tony blair lino player the late harold wilson the tiger shall we turn our attention to the outfits we're gonna play a little game called what's wrong with this outfit yeah one of the ginger ones turned up was satan [Music] i'm sure it's going to be very friendly and nice about all these ladies who tried very hard look nice worried about it went to the hairdresser went shopping several times asked their moms doesn't look right i'm sure we're going to pay tribute to the effort they made with an important occasion [Applause] okay let's have a look at the first loser what's wrong with this outfit it's lovely and cheerful isn't it nice color very flattering no hat she didn't have a hat on she didn't have a hat on oh i said what was wrong with that one three people wore the same thing that's exactly right yes have a look how did they get into that sorry man is that every woman's worst nightmare i mean apart from being assaulted in a park sounds like a queue for a song let's have a look at the dress i mean victoria what do you think of the dress just ask it again but slightly more patronizing look look look oh look at william looking at her look it's magical it is absolutely incredible kate's life is going to change so much look at her holding onto her father's hand so tightly she's holding onto her father's hand so tightly awesome i am why couldn't that have been the whole coverage round two and in tribute to this week's historic av referendum the stories for this round will be chosen by the alternative voting system uh on your ballot papers you will have four stories to choose from all you have to do is place them in your chosen order of preference the story that receives the lowest number of votes will then be eliminated and the fourth choice will receive the second choice votes until except it's very simple it's very simple indeed some people just don't get it anyone ever been distracted by a gnome yes yeah i was doing my english show level and someone shoved it up his arse yeah [Applause] he was a known enemy so i knew who he was no no you groaned a joke that you made up yourself i said known enemy you thought i'd say gnome so you've grown so it's you you should be grown in it you ought to be ashamed of yourself oh and both trigger comes down and hits it up towards us and is it gonna hit us the bizarre thing this is the third time it's happened to that commentator that is exactly right the third time well that's no accident i was lucky evan told the mirror when the ball went through the window the batman put his fist in the air as if to say i've been trying to do that for years a o b c and [Music] well it's going to be a super injunction thing anyway one of them almost looks identifiable but i'm worried i'll start and policeman will come on now you're all right that's andrew marr [Applause] and the odd one out is mark as we know about the injunction now because it's been lifted but you played quite a part of this though didn't you i believe well i got a lot of credit for um um a story that i never actually ran um i was going to i challenged the superintendent then he went to the mail and lifted the junction and confessed so hooray [Applause] because he'd had an affair with um someone and there was a child which he thought was his and then it turned out later it wasn't his after dna test so he got dna tests they didn't just look at the ears and go it's a dna test it's either yours or captain's box who is the [ __ ] it's like you want to go to prison [Music] i heard it was it was the drummer from the steve miliband it was the head saxophonist in the glenn miller that was the room but it isn't it isn't either of the milibands someone else entirely someone else entirely oh god do i want to go to jail no no i'll go on it's good for the programme a live link at you in wandsworth banging your tin mug against the bars it's not like that anymore i went to ford open did you and the governor said to me you'd like it here there's a bridge club [Laughter] ian stanley you are a habitual criminal the old one out is andrew sorry i think i might have got an odd one out right for the first time in about 20 years look it's all sad now isn't it one year on i couldn't give a cousin in 4x ravi oh he's so lonely [Music] but it's coalition government you share the responsibilities the conservatives do the winning but it seems ed miliband isn't really sort of like he's not making the inroads that people hoped he would make and it seems to me they're missing an opportunity here because there's brothers obviously there's david as well they need to find because they could virtually swap and nobody would know but if you find somebody who looks a bit like the two of them replace ed miliband with the bloke who looks a little bit like two of them we get used to it oh yeah he's grown a beard now and then david miliband can come in about three or four months later and everybody will just think it's the same bloke jesus it is it's pretty amazing is it one year on the conservative party game seats yes britain tough opposition there but it's like the left wing are only happy if they're losing because then it's like the good old days when they're in opposition yeah there's nothing worse than being in power you watch you watch ed middlebury the next few weeks so we started talking behind frosted glass then you'll just leave half his face behind the door and that's how that's how they do it poor old [ __ ] craig he's actually a regular at my restaurant is that why he's poor old nicolette i saw a pun in whichever paper kelvin mckenzie writes i must be the son i suppose and when osama bin laden was captured he had this little joke he said the irish sas stormed into a department store because they heard on the fifth floor there was summer bed linen no summer last week's episode summer bed linen oh he's just and it's stuck in my head now it's stuck in yours who do we sue can i take out an injunction against that joke so we don't have to hear you because it's not a joke isn't it are we done yeah i think so let's go oh sorry there's more linen lily joke written by spell check plague weak and out of his depth miliband out of his and making us drink it yeah [Laughter] he was too intense hey right sorry don't lead your own floors it doesn't look good i'm going to drink it and start again yeah absolutely that's fine can we just talk about your starter because obviously it's lagged a little bit it seems the two of you actually fighting against the concept here you've come up with mince and you've got sponge pudding i mean what would you have to think about did you see the two of them coming together do you think that's going to work in the end mints and a sponge pudding yes i know i don't watch your show no i did actually i did so i watched it every day to find out who you were [Applause] so i think you're doing brilliantly thank you whoever you are there was some bad news fred what was it the bloke who's trying to pretend to be him and his brother's gone i don't mind if scotland breaks away as long as gordon brown's in scotland [Applause] australians get an opinion he was an australian who managed to stop england being in scotland in the first place mel gibson to which the cabinet responded huzzah it's huzzah you know i knew you would know how to say that and where do you learn how to recite this is that something they kind of teach you osmosis that's a new college in oxford [Applause] oh how old is boy then he's 12. i was 19 before i got into a girl skirt [Applause] you went to a posh school how important is it to take your trousers off to get on the important thing whether you're wearing wusted trousers or tweed is to keep everything on and be as hot as possible for the entire summer yeah prepares you for the colonies yeah well there is this ridiculous fashion at the moment where young men walk around as if they're sort of they're wet you know if they're carrying very large rocks in their trousers and it's it's peer pressure it's like raw rascals 20 30 years ago when women wore they made them look like they were wearing giant nappies and now you've got you've got this sort of thing where your trousers are halfway down you're out i mean what what is how is that who what where [Music] you know how does something like that catch on it just seems to be incredible i'm bothered about the fact that rare oscars clearly scarred you 20 to 30 years ago no no unlike richard i didn't get into roblox you knew richard once asked me after college i said no i was 19 and yet to get into a girl's skirt you could have been kidding me [Music] i think you've lost your chance there i said you would let's go at me i said no and you went it's worth a try and he went and then you went straight off to someone else yeah that was my technique that was my very good technique i started with the most beautiful girls yep then got down to samira [Music] you said she changed my big brother's here as well richard all right i'll give him a go the school has a firm dress code which includes no leggings or capri pants and no excessive makeup or nail polish which is bad news for head of geography mr wilson if you check there isn't a mr wilson there because i can feel a super injunction there's a lot of super injunctions flying around at the moment there is the well you know obviously we can't sort of say anything about the identity of these people but there is the an editor of a prominent satirical magazine of which there are many available in your newsletters there has been photographs dressed as william uh pitt the younger so i'm not saying it's not you it's not you it's not you it is it is it and so to round two and it doesn't get more second round than this it's the news bullock uh buzz when you know buzz when you know which news story each cut of meat reveals sirloin have you been to an orgy inn i can imagine you being quite i can imagine you going around politely introducing yourself to people so that's what it was yes samoa's decided to move to the other side of the date line yeah it used to have its time linked to america but now it wants it linked back to australia and new zealand they're literally shifting themselves well well they're not literally are they anyway some flowering the island with the theme show how did you come to see this i must have been around at a friend's house yeah well done this is the news watching the wi-fi and getting everything completely wrong and have been confused so someone on an american tv channel announced that obama was dead yes when they meant osama was dead but they wished obama was dead [Music] she had a secret identity on facebook where she was um posting stuff about sarah palin is really cool oh really you should be president and it was her in a secret identity the woman you love ian are you saying she wrote i can't believe it and in glasgow scotland's hopes of qualifying for a major football tournament look as distant as ever as they reveal their new center forward that's mrs hoon driving there she goes [Applause] oh she's good so what chris hoon thinks essex looks like came out that he tried to get someone else i.e her to take his speeding points in 2003 so it could be the arrest of a cabinet minister can you imagine that unbelievable by the way ian if you don't want these points i'm quite prepared to say i answered the question for you is this an exciting story yes but is that how it's convinced me when's the film come out i've been thinking about this all week and i've just uh kind of concluded that i i didn't care at all about it because i i knew i was on the program someone called me and told me and uh the system's developed over 20 years yes it's very good and um i just thought well this is not interesting it's it's almost gripping in how uninteresting it is it's a major crime i mean this coalition they've got a senior person who's you know got speeding point offenses having the last government you know they were whistle clean no war crimes to check there which amongst other things we'll see more of us driving eco motors like the one our car loving environment secretary's in no that's not the infamous journey that's got him in a sticky situation this one was powered by human waste how do you fill it up well [Applause] well this is how there's a tunnel involved it's a good question this is how it works the driver's seat is connected straight to the fuel tank and then someone tells you that your wife's recorded a conversation you had about penalty points brilliant idea meanwhile why has ed miliband called for ken clark's resignation you got to do something anyone know what happens if the olympic torch goes out yes they have to forget the whole thing that particular touch bearer is executed um yeah a fairy dies how about they will relight it there's always a way around these things i know have any of you applied for tickets yet any of you are you on the show being left behind what tickets are you gonna get i don't know i applied for a whole load of stuff i don't get it all because i'll be bankrupt britain's not excited about 2012 is there anyone here who's not excited are you on the show to be fair they might because i started off by sitting over there [Music] that's a queen's ankle if ever i saw him yeah i've never seen him in the wild but that looks like a queen [Music] she has a metal earth it's the only logical explanation it's magnetic it always points north apparently she and the duke of edinburgh went to the guinness brewery a pint was poured it was placed invitingly on the bar and turned away first of all why did all this happen in a bank [Music] and second of all they're not rabbits that's like something you do to attract some kind of animal i can lip read the queen's just saying where's my mother when you need her too well graeme soon from dublin i mean first of all he's guinness a sectarian drink a sectarian drink i don't think so yeah i've never been against drinker to be honest which will probably get me uh maybe you are irish point of asking you a question yeah yeah he's going to ask you about a pig under your arm in a minute anyone know what they've lost recently they lost a birthday card i've sent my sister yeah well they're looking into that still right now anything in your life delayed train his birthday card nothing arrives on time nothing that's very disappointing puberty um actually a work by papua new guinea did you mean to say it out loud you know sometimes you're thinking something you think could it be terrible i said this in front of thousands of people on the television thousands let's not get above ourselves there's dozens watching tommy writes this letter dear father christmas i wonder if you could send me a five pound note we don't have much money and it goes to the post office you know and somebody sees it there and thinking oh look at this this is nice isn't it look you know this kid wants five because they have a bit of a whip around four pounds fifty they well that's something we'll put four pounds we want to send it back to the kids you know nice little gesture so the kid gets this letter and he sends a letter back to father christmas so they open to the post office a week later he says dear father christmas thank you for the money i'm sure you sent the right amount but those stephen bastards she's fine hey i'm fine alarm bells might have run when the car in front just scrapes over but no [Applause] oh left it stranded i could watch that clip on a continuous loop [Music] mother nature has made them look silly there hasn't it yes yeah no they it played a lot of habit particularly with michelle obama's hair here she is a little later in the day this is don king standing behind me why does prince philip in every photograph with the obamas look like he's just thought the most inappropriate joke kate middleton was wearing reese she was wearing a dress by reese which is a nice trendy make here make my suits so that's why i said it because i thought i might get sent some free ones is that how you get stuff is it yeah you just want to tell me i every show i ever go when i see fernando's i don't even have any god you know what this this has been done by a black and decker work mate i've got 25 of these desks at home it's happening if you're running a brothel though because when the light comes on they can go up the stairs it is look this that's his scroll and then look at that 24 may 2008. well the only logical explanation is he's a time traveler and he looks so relaxed because he hasn't yet won and so he hasn't got that's right he's wondering why everybody knows who he is it's very strange to her majesty the queen to the vitality of the special relationship between our peoples and in the words of shakespeare to this blessed plot this earth this realm this england to the queen [Applause] [Music] and to symbolize yeah the common bond between britain and america what did david cameron and president obama choose as a photo opportunity and the bbc news broke this in a very exciting way obama's state visit british sausages and beef burgers on the menu [Applause] what i loved about the barbecues it was like obama and cameron like sleeves rolled up they were there the men cooking the meat and you knew that craig was on salad duty somewhere those buns won't cut themselves actually look they thought they thought he was doing the onions and then they realized he was just crying in fact can we just see it let's have a look at the barbecue this is just it's not staged in any way it's perfectly normal two men in white shirts and ties with tongs it's just as you say yeah nick clegg is being roasted oh yes you see the salad the women do the salad yeah yeah no that's what girls do at a barbecue do the salad legs underneath the table though cutting a cucumber there's a scandal yeah underneath the table with a cucumber the adult version of cluedo yeah underneath the table with a cucumber while being watched by the butler for a long telescope yeah in the belgian suite with a [ __ ] mask you know quite a bit about this belgian suite in fact you spoke with nothing else apparently the white house offered nick clegg and this is brilliant they offer the choice to sit around the table or a private brush buy that in that special room there's two people in the corridor and one stands at the end and he goes go and he just walks past him there's a lot of crockery down there is that for the crockery round okay nick claire comes in later and cleans up for himself we don't know who that is do we legally know who that is is oh it's it's ryan giggs yes it's ryan giggs it's ryan giggs yes basically ryan giggs has spent an awful lot of money to ensure that he's become world famous for stuff other than football and the reason john heming the mp who announced it in the house of commons he said that um a columnist um was about to be arrested for retweeting this giles coron but you weren't allowed to mention who that was so someone would be arrested in this country for the first time and put in jail without you being allowed to know what they were in for or who they were yeah and i think at that point he thought this is getting silly so he blurted the name out well the law is clear there is still a court order in force which says that we can't name ryan giggs so which media outlet was the first to sail a bit close to the wind is that a sign up for the death on the real news footballer okay one of rolf's contemporaries was don the german pointer and he apparently could imitate the human voice he could say hungry give me cakes in german the germans for hungary give me cakes is hunger give me a kickin that's jordy and speak like speed like that you get sacked from american x factor yeah a new book claims that as a potential secret weapon the nazis tried to train dogs to talk hitler had two german shepherds called blondie and bella and according to the daily mail moments before committing suicide in his bunker hitler killed blondie doesn't say what happened to bella presumably managed to talk away out of it the tesco's curry must make a noise make a noise does it cluck no it doesn't do that but you're right you're absolutely right tesco's is the odd one out all right very well done [Applause] [Music] [Applause] uh no no you're wrong so i was just toying with you there yeah yeah no tesco i felt toyed with yeah now tesco's yeah it's tesco's microwave you've been sponsored by this company they get an awful lot of coverage in the last 20 seconds i just changed your mind no yes it is yeah you're right you say the balance tesco's is [ __ ] it whistles it doesn't it whistles to let you know when it's ready there we go there you see there's a special packaging yes which will start whistling to tell you your meal is ready um you might not hear it because the microwave will be beeping to tell you but your dog will hear it and i'll come up and say yeah mean is [Music] [Applause] beware the funk is everywhere yeah it's from a 1986 hip-hop album uh which is completely silent didn't nicholas cage do this rather before what what's up nicholas case john cage [Music] i wish he'd be silent you're paddling into popular culture has led you down a very powerful and tv shows add laughter to jokes even when nothing funny has been said people laughed after they heard the fake laugh that's a good thing to know that's opposite we should play that laugh all the time paul reveals his astonishing what is it documentary about hollywood it's going to start bbc2 in about five minutes the jedward gene enters the reptile kingdom the hamiltons are doing pantomime in order this is what a zoo would look like under av did you go were you there oh too busy doing the cocaine [Applause] i like the idea of the daleks being retired and having to go and live in the home with each other as soon as they just tell boring theatrical addictions do you remember when we took on the doctor the daleks totes talked like alan bennett like all your impressions i'd like to see him um now the [ __ ] come back maybe in other shows like eastenders yeah he's like the new landlord or the vic or pat's new husband i can't do an impression that's terrific ian can do an impression but it will sound like alan benson can do a darling extender go on say exterminate look i mean you don't think they're actors the daleks yeah but they're typecast to be honest how many shakespearean roles you're going to get the plunger sticking out your end four at the most garlic some verona you know davoros and juliet some of the daleks actually made a strange career choice uh in 2005. do you know what that might have been i formed a boy band no they actually according to the sun they appeared in a porn film where they would chase girls around and group them with their plungers oh that sucks [Applause] do you want to hear my impression of sheryl cole yes oh no i've been fired [Applause] here's a message you tweeted last week bought self best prez oh yeah uh it's a tie clock fabulous you sink it to the tide on your part of the coast and it tells you how to glance what the state of the tide is best buy of the uh that's fantastic great why did you feel the need to tweet this could you not say to yourself i bought a clock it's very nice good for me and then carry about your business without disturbing the rest of us why don't you do something interesting that's why i bought put the phone over here yeah go for a life over to me in a tie clock is interesting oh right i stand by it no i'm not saying it isn't i'm just saying i didn't have to know that if you go to a certain park in south london and sit on a bench you'll hear michael barrymore's voice as he'll be in hell richard [Applause] you'll be able to tweet about this later on okay and send right thanks for that sorry about it it's okay i'm just going to finish this email he's quite gloomy though eel there's a new disney cartoon has he been written out of it yeah the americans are doing a version and the new character's called yee-haw a really upbeat kind of donkey should we go on an expedition eeyore yeah great yeah that's a good idea let's do that remember the first expression [Music] but i'm much older i'm here for any roles i also do i also do german new boat captains at the drop of a hat bangladesh this is [Applause] and the process upset the archbishop of canterbury yes no he's come out on the side of the poor that'll get him in trouble what does he think he's there for stick to talking about gays and women stop interfering in politics i don't know who this is an impression of at the moment it's not alan bennett and you might be able to help me out with this question then anything for you joe oh i'm so glad we're back on that footing already reg um having paused engaged would you like the rest of us to leave yeah me and rick me and reg would like the rest of you to watch i'm not being horrible terms i love dullness you should meet my husband prepare to hear me and seems like the great bambino whoever that was great bone beast what were the white tights and the silvery waistcoat i have no idea i just made him up [Applause] oh no sorry that was me [Applause] i think he's gonna hit that thing at the bottom he's gonna hit that yellow thing go on and you're saying this is boris johnson hit the yellow thing hit the yellow thing [Applause] he seems to be being chased by the sun newspaper how does the sun get a copyright on cctv footage i expect it has a relationship with the police or satan the one for the lawyer will take that out so it's about his hair transplant isn't it's it may be a hair transplant it looks a bit like crop circles perhaps he's planting crops perhaps he's growing a full head of wheat you're looking at me as a madrid he's growing he's growing wheat on his head so he can feed his children i'm looking at you like we ain't gonna win okay i'll advise my answer this is wayne rooney who this week has had a hair transplant thank you and you know how the operation actually works yeah they find the hairs on his arse and pull them all the way through i knew it knew it he got a he found a donor it was unfortunate it was bobby charlton joe disappoint you just got a point for that all right here reg here's another question for you get this right you might get another point how much did the operation apparently cost in the future when you ask questions can you leave out the sarcasm [Applause] we're trying to win here you could do something about your tone too do actually encourage wayne to start using twitter ryan giggs you got to give us two for that one baby give me two they don't even matter if it ain't true we're in ferdinand it was great i think that shot would be funny if you reversed the image i think if you started out there then went in that would be funny yeah yeah yeah this just in [Applause] [Music] you know at first at first when you said let's play it backwards you got to be more funny yeah i ain't believe man those people are asleep they were in a trance hypnotized and unfortunately the hypnotist had a stage accident where he tripped over the feet of a member of the audience and was knocked out leaving them in a trance and unable to be rescued they found themselves stuck thinking they were martians after he tripped over on stage and knocked himself out before he could bring them round do you want to have a little look at him in action [Applause] yes i've always hoped the martians would be more interesting than that when we finally established contact with them they're not used to our atmosphere what do you call a funny german what uh rare hair haha i think ian you're near enough to it there was some survey that said that ranking countries by how funny they are the germans came bottom that's right answer there isn't one right but i think that was it was voted for largely by countries who the germans had invaded at some stage the germans are not a funny race knock knock who's there the gestapo that's it we're going to have the german ambassador complaining to this program again yeah did he complained before he has complained repeatedly about how the members of this panel are just stuck in the second world war and it's our only reference it's the only thing we ever think about german and it's the gestapo again no sensei music [Music] but you ambassador the joke is over [Laughter] the dude in the middle is doing the british thing of if i don't look at that person then they don't exist

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 70,833

Keywords: hignfy

Id: Yx0nB8QkE7s

Length: 63min 37sec (3817 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 19 2020