HIGNFY S39E05 Jo Brand, Jon Richardson & Lembit Opik

[Music] [Applause] welcome to have I got election news for you especially recorded after election night so we'd know exactly what the final outcome was well that worked on the kind of day that makes our political system the envy of the world yes we've got no government we can do what we like yes at a polling station in Manchester as ten o'clock approaches it looks like one or two voters may miss out after exit polls suggest a victory in Eastbourne the young conservative club party into the early hours while giving Nick Craig a lift home in the Lib Dem battle boat Vince Cable realizes he's forgotten his driving glasses good audience noise that was fantastic are you actually on that phone bad week gets worse for Gillian Duffy as she here she's not got the part of Nora Betty's sister in the last of the summer wine team a Swindon based comedian who has been very open about suffering from a debilitating disorder namely that he lives in Swindon please welcome John Richardson and on Paul's team is one of the few politicians who knows what the future holds for him [Music] a regular slot bantering with Jeff Stelling in dictionary corner please welcome Lembit Opie [Applause] Ian and John take a look at this Q's DNR people wanting to vote unmanageable turnout of 65% that's the Lib Dem votes being chucked in the river that's someone explaining they haven't a clue goodbye to you go watch your film one of your husband's hello Gordon people have spoken as joe said and they've said what about you it's very exciting we've got a new Prime Minister Gordon Brown we've never voted before and you didn't [ __ ] River so democracy working pretty damn well I think does this mean this is gonna carry on what to show God that it would be finished this one but it's not as it's gonna be months of in some cases it has well in on it though after 19 years is it presumably it's 13 years and days I mean I'm not counting but somebody was brown and today I would just resign and then run naked through the streets of London going you had a bigot Yoda beggar they're all still trying to make friends aren't they they're trying to do it hey it's like passing notes on the news this morning going tell Nick I think he's fit well Gordon I think is actually superglued himself to the door of number 10 it will be impossible to get him out he's like a barnacle isn't he it is indeed the overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election in fact we only know one result for sure don't we lender so I've actually gotten the point of the Jobcentre about they found earlier cancelled [Applause] no party got a quarter of the boat and 50 seats so that's good that's working then it was a moral victory for most of us sorry judge no no no help yourself no this much oh sure it's mine in fact more you know this is sounding like coalition talks Mandelson saying now I've always been in favor of a proportional representation the Labour Party decide first-past-the-post didn't work other than actually does anyone know how Nick Clegg summed up the night you said it was disillusioning know disappointing well apparently when Lib Dems lost Richmond Park does that goals within the Tories he said it wasn't supposed to be like this well in the next election at the end of next week he said it was a two horse race he didn't specify that the Lib Dems would be one of those and Foreman lived em leader Lord Ashdown said the country has spoken but we don't know what they've said [Laughter] because everybody has no idea what they're talking about being asked about the because I never had my back - it was Joan Collins we're on that boat with her yeah they let her talk about stuff as if she knew and they said why do you like David Cameron I just like him and he's good for families about single people do you know yourself yeah exactly there's this view that families deserve all the tax breaks but you know they're married with kids they've already got a reason to go home to go to people like me so I could buy more DVDs to figure I exist for two hours a day single people laughter show celebrity political party was so confusing that you actually went from the BBC to ITV them yet no I was everywhere I thought if brucey can do it I can now in this election has been all about compromise and you were on the boat with Piers Morgan was that nice I'm not strictly at the same time oh right that was in the deal and ships in the night yeah fair enough without the P also you've mentioned Joan Collins is there as well Jeremy Paxman was a bit jealous apparently let's have a look at that lady thank you very much well you haven't got to him but Joan Collins we have her got tested [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] she's suggesting Joan Collins has Botox thank Jane Connors is made of paper is my local MP and she's canvassing a while ago in our school playground I was picking up my daughters and she came up to me oh hello Joe on nan Duty for the weekend are we right [ __ ] it I'm voting BNP what did man Wilson blame for Labour's poor result was it the volcano no Greek Greek particular one no he blamed the person who organized the Labour campaign Lord Mandelson now I'm just fantasy yeah whatever have a bash no it's kind of just moaning quietly actually I can see why the cheeky girl went that way now [Applause] there wasn't any pond before we just fall out no hands and apparently blamed problems at polling stations so yes yes some returning officers had a lot voters out polling stations and queues continue to form beyond ten o'clock here's how Mandy decided to spin it I am concerned about it because traditionally conserved more conservatives vote earlier in the day and more labor people vote in the final couple of hours of polical what he's saying there is that like about 4 million people who would have voted labour all turned up 15 minutes before a bad reputation for politicians spinning he goes on and says that unbelievable anyway sorry there is a historical angle to this as well in the 64 general election harold wilson successfully petitioned the BBC to not show Steptoe and son until after the polls were closed because it was believed as Steptoe and son had a very large working-class viewership yeah maybe a bullying thing to make up and that's 500 actually you were second though aren't you yeah I'm second you know pretty pleased about that I'm going to offer some comfort here in juice to come in second off and I'm third and there's only two teams now one person you couldn't vote with Finn Greg of Hackney who said I turned up at 8:45 I was twenty odd people away from the desk well he was in Hackney I love Hackney and I don't know why I did that joke so I was told to or I would lose my job I'm saying you're a bigot her--her no you're not you can't say Hackney's rubbish and say oh I'm sorry love me you're rubbish [Music] [Applause] everyone in Hackney's house and say sorry to their faces okay I know Swindon as well for what you said about Swindon oh yeah and Birmingham [ __ ] too I see now you've you Brian me Glasgow [ __ ] Oh what are you next on tour I think I'm likely I'll ever tour again restaurants and she lost she enough said if I lost the deposit she did good nice to say that's life right now everyone was hoping Ed Balls would provide a Portillo moment Michael Portillo said this week my name is now synonymous with eating a bucket load of [ __ ] in public the offer will be coming depressing use of the word yet I've ever heard in my it was it's the most important thing that happened in the election because it's quite funny [Laughter] big thing about losing my teeth as I can actually take a fee for this now instead of getting this kind of abuse for nothing it's gone up a little Jackie Smith and lots people stayed up to watch her be throughout time is Jackie Smith thrown out anyone up three yeah you might be drawn on figures will you what so what's been the really big news for the BBC in this election really yes apparently they've spent billions of licence payers money on a massively pompous over-the-top election studio which they're very excited now whoever was in particular can't stop mentioning it well every night this week we'll be broadcasting from the BBC's main election studio Jeremy Vine there Nick Robinson our political editor here with me in the election studio and in a moment all the election news where you are and we'll be back here in the BBC election studio tomorrow night the BBC's election studio with a very good evening can the BBC elections Stephanie Flanders is here with me in the BBC elections TV in the BBC election studio well apparently it costs twenty million quid to build now well it might off they won't tell us so I'm just having a punt their cost the bill 20 quid but be fair they're gonna get a lot of use out of it we can have a couple of elections this year can we make it a weekly occurrence yes and they've been equally smug about their very fancy completely necessary and not at all patronizing graphics - did anyone see Jeremy Vine explaining the tricky concept that camera might not win enough seats get to number 10 with a majority so we have a net yes lovely here we have Downing Street at the far end on the other end is the door of number 10 he needs some paving stones doesn't he meeting stone has the name of a seat on it these are the hundred and sixteen six of the Conservatives need for an overall majority in the House of Commons crazy paving well not as easy as it looks should we just have a look at Jeremy practising that a little earlier oh yeah you need to listen carefully here who's not alumnus Jeremy Vine readying himself with his super sophisticated graphics to take the walk of fame well [Applause] yes the results are in and the people have spoken the final result is still up in the air unlike UKIP's plane they're clapping a plane crash I think it's a mood in this audience today which is the mood of sort of life thank God it's over for a bit and let's just take the piss out of the whole business [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so you're lucky you haven't come to see the Antiques Roadshow I think they're feeling punitive plane crash losses job economy goes down the toilet there's just no defense for getting in the plane there is there it's one of those things you look at and you go if we would feel sorry for you if there's any reason for you to be in a plane at that point but they go well what would you change about you 2005 campaign mainly the altitude the plane crashes caused by the the banner they were towing mixing up with a prop at the front I mean how slowly were they going to physics no ah say that in a Scottish accent I've got a job here in that case I'll try you can't break the laws of physics trick I'm interested in the human story of what lemma is going to do for it then I'll only had tons and headhunters in northern France it was way out there into this job looking for I don't know yet it's brutal democracy isn't it no but you are to me the last time I was on the show as well you won't I don't believe it the sort of lies you politicians tell [Applause] I love you the best response you've ever had I was flying inside is it cool okay if the parties can't reach agreement the electorate may be asked to vote again or if you were one of those who got locked out last night for the first time in some areas the election night Fiasco was blamed on large numbers of students turning up to vote just before the polls closed at 10:00 although to be fair they had only just got off in Northern Ireland First Minister Peter Robinson lost his seat which must have been quite a shock for him though perhaps not as big as the shock he got when he came home to find a 19 year old shagging his missus harsh but true earlier in the week Simon Cowell called for Tory majority and warned that a hung parliament would be a disaster as it would mean months of stupid arguments and then a dull compromise mind you that's how they choose the winner of The X Factor so Paul in the old certainties are gone it's time for unlikely alliances Paul could you ever find it in your heart to put your bitter rivalry to one side and form a coalition with the end all right [Applause] I'll get a feeling you're gonna win this week look see how it's done yeah this is much better I love seeing here this is grayish here from everyone can I say I've always wanted this yeah argued for it for years and any suggestion that I'm doing it as a matter of convenience is not true I agree with Nick [Applause] you want to do a rabble rousing speech on behalf of our coalition I think what we offer is not them basically people people are sick of you coming on here making fun of the contestants you know just because I'm having a bit of a hard time at low it lend us the price of a cup of tea lay that for you if you want and I have [Music] do you happy to say that yeah okay let's move on then yeah Robbie's I'm not saying it's permanent it may only be around yeah let the public decide oh it may be do that forever this is great you're right in the mill abyss is sitting on the end like a bozos no face John and Lembit let's see how we got here David Cameron fish and chips a person someone we liquid leg yeah a man complaining about nuclear power was it yeah nuclear power he because it's completely wet I want me no not a woman it was Duffy and this was a happier time for me a very happy time for him because he practiced that smile probably all his life just for that screensaver moment you'd be better a fewer me brown I mean all he did was get into a car while Mike for sound after having spoken to one of his loyal supporters and called her a bigoted woman at some point in their lives hasn't done that when they're Prime Minister there's no way during this campaign David Cameron hasn't gotten his car after a meeting great and gone dick see I mean you never he didn't get caught doing it so the word [ __ ] tends to apply to the Prime Minister house ain't sorry that's a long apology and she suggested there was something else going May it was all a bit of a plan on his part called a bigot [Applause] comes out greeted that's the way I read the situation politically you should really write pong [Applause] [Music] [Applause] now they're applauding Crash's this story until her ploy come to a decisive decision I've got a dead kidney me pocket [Applause] thank you that was great so Gordon Brown is still Prime Minister despite BD gate according to the mail on Sunday it's not be by the repeat now who could have David Miliband Prime Minister and you haven't voted for him either exciting that wouldn't it or Harriet Harman [Music] popular did kick what according to the Mail on Sunday interview went on when Gordon was inside Jillian Duffy's house it is she said I couldn't offer him a cup of tea because I had no milk I had a bottle of whiskey but I thought I'm not opening that made for each other really and she eventually escaped to Canada on a plane but who went with her the pilot no luckily for her she had a friendly three a.m. girl from the mirror stalking her Daniel Lawler was there to bank this particular scoop tucking into beef stew with boiled potatoes and peas in economy class mrs. Duffy said this is the worst week of my life well I assumed she'd take the veggie option after the gaffe what did Gordon do according to the son we had his head in his hands didn't he in the studio he couldn't believe he'd been that stupid well apparently he went on an unplanned walkabout of Manchester Station I saw a great woman interviewed on that on the news actually went during the campaign and they said what who you're gonna vote for and she goes because I don't really know yet but is it a Labour government we've got in at the moment or two women in debate Smith's point in her book called the history of the 20th century big thick book and one woman so nervous he pointed to it so don't get that it's about everything what went wrong with Labour's relaunch after Biddy gate oh there was actually a car crash there was a metaphor became life pain likes a crash yes we have a look at you love it making tax fairness making Shawwal [Applause] especially led by the driver that he was bumped by the occupants of a rubbish truck shouting abuse from an adjacent round we've actually got his actual drawing of the accident from his insurance claim that's a good poster labor are not rubbish that been a few problems on all sides to do with presentation there was a technical problem when William Hague appeared to be speaking with Teresa Mays voice sticky moment perhaps on inheritance tax tax cut for the rich this isn't about fairness no David Cameron was very strong I think he's being told by David Cameron to sound a bit more posh they are posh the Tories there aren't they if you go to posh school ya minor public school adding life yeah oh the minors go him back on my side but to be back I've always said I wanted to be with you did anyone see throw the last-minute endorsements of the various party leaders sow some accounts or ease off steam Tories nice leg obviously had to call him fair yeah didn't the Labour Party have you didn't you do a video a video yeah sort of video you're thinking okay no I wasn't well apparently Clegg had a ringing endorsement from Jillian Duffy oh no the actually the Telegraph asked a lot of people Jillian Duffy is genius here's one quote this is Duffy's from Norfolk Nick Clegg hasn't unimpressed me which as I haven't seen that much is as good as it gets that's about the total result why the Lib Dems didn't do as well because they sent me a leaflet in my constituency they're local and she did her flyer like a ballot paper so their name on it and in the box she'd put a little tick you've spoiled your own ballot and it's also mad apparently that's Gordon Brown his old friends with Kate Bush [Music] [Music] and also someone I thought was dead Nikolai Tolstoy made a silly mistake on his manifesto he was campaigning for you keep in Witney which is Dave seat and did you see his policy on immigration got those Russians out well that's let's have a look no one admitted to UK and less and less they fluent in English News nights Michael Crick was camped in Cameron's Witney constituency on Wednesdays did you see what happened to him let's have a look it's a very patchy election I think we're gonna find form swing we've known in other places surprise results they're gonna be saying gosh how did so-and-so managed to hang on there I mean as an example of a possible surprise we've been hearing from both labour and from the Conservatives tonight that the government the Liberal Democrats in his new castle will become Prime Minister in the next few days probably phases in doing funny walks so I will have to we might I hope was gone away now I think all right where's he gone away tell me with your dissertation then go on yes as I say I think David Cameron will probably become Prime Minister in the next few days with the caveat of all [Applause] [Music] they expose everything that was actually my campaign manager and because we haven't mentioned them really should we have a quick recap of the bnps campaign yeah go on then and how did Nick Griffin some at the BMPs performance in this election vote bigoted what she said was this is the last election the BNP fights as a large small party we are now a small large party he was and all that talk just nothing people didn't go for it right now for labour the final nail in an already very securely nail down coffin came when Gordon Brown was caught on my calling Labour supported Jillian Duffy a bigoted woman mrs. Duffy was particularly upset by Gordon Brown's hypocrisy she told journalists he was smiling when he spoke to me what else is he thinking when he smiles top lip up bottom lip down show teeth try not to look weird according to the man on Sunday the apology took place after a Labour publicity officer knocked on mrs. Duffy store and asked her if she would accept a telephone call from mr. Brown and would she mind if he reversed the charges Micmac came out on top in the TV debates thanks to his down the lens delivery and confident hand gestures rather different from the hand gesture that Gordon Brown uses whenever a voters back is turned any time now he'll be using in the last week of the campaign the son told its readers David Cameron will criss cross the country twice with stops in England Scotland and Wales well we've all had train journeys like that has an analogy you might enjoy an undecided voter earlier this week have a look at this I just wish that if I made a vote on May the sex for Lib Dem that meant Nick Clegg was running the country but it won't and I think that's the poor soul of our society if I go in a restaurant and I ordered cheesecake and they bring me apple pie I would send it back I asked for cheesecakes around which in this our election special features quotes from the election campaign I've gone from being what to what in a week this is Nick Clegg and he said I've gone from being third being third not for being Churchill to a Nazi a week yes yeah yeah that's the Daily Mail's quote the other papers saying he was like Churchill and then they said he once made a speech saying that Britain was a bit obsessed with winning the second world war for which the mail said he was a Nazi sympathizer really you have to remember that the paper that supported the Blackshirts was the Daily Mail in a historical detail that's right he did indeed say I've gone from being Churchill to a Nazi in a week typical Lib Dem always changing the minds of Poe's we stop it's gonna be who sir oh no no mister didn't you used to be Lembit Opik look-alike for him that's his level of self-confidence you don't think you'll get a job as your own look you see this is what the public do to politicians they just Knights them feet are taken away at to battle himself yeah now here's our next election quote Sally borracho Labour candidate and the speaker's wife wrote on Twitter being wot by a couple of smack-heads in a stairway seduced its canvassed some people are volunteering that heckled it was heckled absolutely well done though what am Widdecombe and Vince Cable we're doing it [Music] next election quote Esther Rantzen said good morning I'm a 69 year old Jewish lady and I want what my deposit back your dog pronouncing the word sausage is very clearly I'm a 69 year old Jewish lady and I want to remember my name so I can stop introducing myself in this ridiculous fashion all she did in fact say I'm 16 annual Jewish lady and I want your vote this was Esther's opening remark on entering a mosque and I'm pleased to report not one of the Muslims hated her because she was Jewish they all hated her because she was Esther Rantzen selection quote Boris Johnson described the Lib Dems as Janus faced spineless protoplasmic invertebrate amoebic is what for what as fine fine coalition partners watch and see that's what you saying this morning yes we're flippers presumably peppers peppers finally Peter Mandelson was heard to shout where's what get what where's your nearest polling booth get there about 99.5 where's wally I mean get the p.m. it was where's Justin get Justin during a live rate yes live radio recording Peter Mandelson was heard to say where's Justin get Justin the bit we didn't hear was and if Justin's busy tell the agency to send Fabio did you see Matheson and George Osborne in the post TV debate spin room no you go Thank You Madison George happy memories of a Greek olive ate nothing big beat him Allison he's learning got a lot more time on holiday after that holiday he turns on me in that sort of ugly way two of our senior politicians take freebie holidays from one of the Ross Charles family meet each other and then expect you to believe they don't like each other ludicrous so the final scores cuz yes that's where we are in and John have to know I had Paul half the time you can't count that against made Paul honest all the time right to be a winner able to [Applause] on which note we say thank you to our panelists in his lop and John Richardson Paul Martin and Lembit Opik and I leave you with the news that as the polls close Gordon reveals that he's not quite sure how it happened but he appears to have cast his vote for David Cameron [Laughter] [Applause] from his office in Westminster Peter Mandelson activates the remote electrical charge device one more time [Laughter] and as the party's trying to work out whether to go it alone or form a coalition the situation is summed up by one constitutional expert their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide whether to share or to shaft [Applause] at nexor on bbc2 we're building the ultimate fantasy rock-and-roll band so who should be the guitarist [Music] [Applause] I was robbed [Laughter] [Music]

Channel: BowmanHath

Views: 88,978

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Id: IWfbAjdw8Zg

Length: 42min 14sec (2534 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 19 2018