The best of Hignfy series 32

if I make any more than 6 mistakes tonight you're all coming to clarity's are my guests for dinner ok in the car park of the Beatrix Potter Museum one pensioner tries to leave without paying Oh first one in the Cal popular pictures I think so please go with please this is yes which one is it North Korea North Korea it is mmm they've got a nuclear weapon and they've blown it up so they haven't got it their action in South Korea people were astonished and then nostalgic and then and then rather upset let's have a quick look at this Bernie I've been working on my own whoa Thompson for ages and it's nowhere near as good as that how did Putin respond to the news according to the Telegraph what do you don't like any wallet on sir Putin immediately rang the warehouse [Applause] if you can actually rang the White House that distress that no I preferred warehouse some more weapons I'm gonna run the holidays on pallets just waiting together Putin immediately rang the White House it came to stress they send a lunatics got nuclear weapon the White House join the club so we continue yeah right thank you does anyone are you speaking your kitchen [Music] chef's 15 Lambton is this good on the toilet shall we continue nothing gets to me you know forget Kitchen Nightmares kitchen agreeable experience this is the nuclear weapons test in North Korea Kim jong-il has 2000 sorry so again I think in these new labor terms we're gonna have to redefine this when Gordon promised you dinner it was an aspiration well salman rushdie his quote this week was vales sock and suddenly he's talking like her like he's a 16 year old American schoolgirl his follow-up question they said you really mean that some and he said out whatever [Applause] the reason Fiona Bruce doesn't wear the crucifix anymore because the Tory leadership has changed yeah wasn't it gone I didn't say o'clock news on Norman the kitchen really yeah preparing the campaign asking the sous-chef if you'd mind terribly getting started the winner of the ignoble prize in medicine discovered an unusual way for curing hiccups what was it don't you drink a glass of water the wrong way isn't that how you did so you get mostly Aryan through your ass through the mouth water or if I slightly missed the point of it really bizarre by using digital rectal massage annals of in terms of internal medicine after man had been hiccupping for three days dr. Frances frezz Mir for reasons that remain unclear attempted a rectal massage [Applause] the frequency of hiccups immediately began to slow with the termination of all hiccups within 30 seconds yes and termination I missed the Fresno's contract shortly after that okay Ian and Peter the mathematics prize went to the team which calculated how many group photos have to be taken too sure that nobody's blinking a lot of them for say a school we've been told at 25% of people in this country to plate clean only not on my restaurant that's for sure why me doing this four years ago kitchen and try to make a shepherd's pie Oh Madonna in Africa who adopts a child Malawi to find baby David I think that's what people think has happened she strolled in had a couple of days our 6th apparently to have several sorry my boring yes she asked to have few boys picked out for her like having personal shopping service I like some boys picked up for me and then I'll choose one and she did and she got baby David and Allen the view from the toy front bench I don't know he's doing the voice has always helped us say for me to say the name near the beginning Alastair will tell you that it wasn't impressed you asked him to come up with some sort of formulation on a matter of policy and he's a Tory sucking a dick a bit further into the picture and there's a sort of in picture right the chap in the middle he's awfully thanks Ellen it's a common misperception that students get hit by this kind of question as soon as they walk through the door said one tutor laboring under the misconception that misperception is a word if people say it enough it becomes a word let's make up a word now and see if everybody uses it we gloss I've just painted my house in P gloss how BIG's your house one of those Oxbridge questions Norma so you're it I've never seen all of the inside it's that stain you see on the underside of a Labrador when it has a vitamin D deficiency it's actually pronounced pay gloss [Applause] it was part of a medieval Knights armor in he lost over two you put loose it's Albanian curry dish so it's a stain on a laboratory it's a medieval Fighters armor all PIRG loose it's an Albanian curry I think it's a stain on the Labrador say my Labrador pocket Oh [Applause] otter discovered what in Eamonn Holmes is bed in central here's the answer according to the Telegraph the young male r2 was found dead on the riverbank I mean you could have broken the news gently to us you could have said Amon hasn't been seeing the otter for a while [Applause] do i I suffered it for five years to do with your peak gloss Philip yeah things are serious in their accent in the to Connecticut did did you grill him on Iraq oh yes I did what did you ask well the tea for viewers will do male rock did they did lied to us really and what did you say yes Oh tea for damn I must have been out clubbing we were being issued with your as per to mention the husband he's not allowed within 500 yards of Eamonn Holmes he's no longer the highest-earning dead person you guys wanted you got stuck with Kurt Cobain the end can you name your favorite song it would have to be smells like teen spirit [Applause] who else is in the top ten of dead people who only a lot of money yes Charles there's also a very brainy guy with a big mustache and flowing hair there's Medina did dr. winter he's not dead got to be dead fancy so he's last show Albert Einstein yes ten million pounds since especially round figure isn't it yeah educational DVDs fine signs guy - crossing the road safely yeah then the Chinese elastics blowing is closer to you than you think it doesn't even look like Boris no no it does chief Anson ID I want to give me a kiss who came ahead of James Blunt in the recent poll of Britain's most annoying things mrs. Beckett scarib and caravans yeah specifically or just Cara know in general caravans have found annoying by British people according to this poll more annoying than James Blunt yeah find a caravan and oh no this is about is annoying as James Blunt Oh James Blunt concert people say this is like being stuck Bialik turn off the missing words round which features as its guest publication global slag magazine [Applause] is Madonna in you know to subscribe / whose name happens to be global slag watch little bit embarrassed up in it is noise and every paper you buy till you get the guard in one day you get the sound of a no Volkswagen you know you oughtn't the dearly started it would just go on the Telegraph and it says good morning what would happen if we decided to shut down all the UK's power stations tomorrow it go dark at night a more sinister even than that [Applause] [Music] [Applause] did anyone actually do an experiment to see what would happen if you give the elephant to Paris school yeah sure I said nothing on your card because the jockey wasn't on the horse since you have a rule that you can't win unless you're on the horse jockey I'm not gonna get on the horse with its next race the horse have to be walking or if you've got into like a van and draw and then quickly does that be allowed I do the inside.thanks far too soon is it this table why did a police officer criticize the use of geographical exclusion zones within the ASBO system he didn't have a map as boh people to the next zone oh no it's because I know all the answers it's fantastic did anyone as bright as you the Baron might have been on that side about [Applause] yeah Charlie its do with small ads it is exactly Leslie Hart's somebody's published a book of the the wittiest Lonely Hearts ads that's right yeah examples include list your 10 favorite albums I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up frankly one forward thinking man 30 are you Kate Bush right too obsessive man 36 no two people who want how do you describe yourself in a lonely heart sad poor I'd say secondhand fridge/freezer to be obvious on the first day these needs careful attention doors falling off well it's only she's gonna Portuguese the ground Chuey to address bush redeemed himself in conversation with other g8 leaders though anyone remember what he had to say about Russia and China [Music] I won't see a film of the Hungarian p.m. dancing it's him pretending he's Hugh Grant in classic movie Love Actually see if you can spot where the Hungarian Prime Minister takes over from Doubront [Music] the Hungarian Prime Minister after someone hacked into the computer system at a car park in Crawley drivers were surprised to be told by electronic signs to [ __ ] off Hawley that's actually wise advice isn't the tourist advice viewer isn't at this load welcome to Crawley now trolley twinned with somewhere that you should hop to the next thing says oh and by the way your mom's just like so the final scores are pullin Ross on nothing [Applause] and in Washington there's a security scare as President Bush is exposed to a surprise attack by noxious yeah what the whole yeah again because yes after spending thousands improving disabled access an uneaten bus company invites TV cameras along to the press launch basically Bush has lost the Congress the Senate and all his dignity this is the u.s. midterm elections that's that's correct how did George Bush react to the results a little look actually I thought we're gonna do fine yesterday shows what I know there's the first woman Speaker of the House as well that's pretty fantastic isn't it Nancy Pelosi that's her name Nancy Pelosi absolutely right ball to save about flirting yeah on say it I don't want to a bit shy what did she dam do as the verdict was about to be announced he surprised everyone by going into one of the songs from cabaret yeah yeah and also may that's not a cymbal sound of his mouth shut got nine didn't if your star quality yeah all four choice of song judges said you're gonna die yeah it's a very harsh reality game show [Applause] really you by the way he was in The Hobbit I think it is true I'm standing up at this oo you you were upside down shooting Alex Rider Stormbreaker yeah that's very good leave inputs in that film about anymore so it's not much help is it all character yes and Gregorovitch yeah I'm just assuming that because you're doing this program things aren't going moving on one of the experiments will be to inject human DNA into sheep already a fairly widespread practice in certain parts but not Wales in and I share little something there I think well I was born in Wales you were born in Beirut no trigger-happy TV has a whole different meaning out there and they're both old Italians I mean like you went to Eton Denis I was there for a period of time yeah did you [ __ ] with Cameron so to speak well I wasn't as [ __ ] I was his [ __ ] I think it was him he was always shining behind me how is Blair going to fight the case we've club puppets love puppets and represent both sides of the dilemma mr. honors mr. no honors sort of jewel so they're gonna fight each other punch and Dame Judi yes I'll give you another Gibbons and neighbors seen the pesto ads you lump of meat gravy yes I'm a carrot can they just sit come on Debbie silly now ginger the names bond James Bond Oh is he not you in the milkman oh okay the book which is called I didn't kill my wife and friend but if I did I would have done it like this I think the big worry is it's gonna spawn a whole load of copycat books because already I've heard that Jeffrey Archer it's working on one called the lawyers perked up yeah yeah this one's called if I lied about everything in my life this is how I would have done it only married were the only people that cheered so Tom Cruise got married Katie Holmes oh yeah he's away he's in fact several inches taller than him and they noticed that she wasn't in these photos right and then they discovered that he's got these special shoes apparently yeah whichever like a little two-story staircase inside I can't believe I'm doing jokes taking the piss out of someone's hand or Brian advertised his walking bass so she doesn't get stuck cause she can just get out of the bath any time cuz she's dealing one out she doesn't get stuck how do you know she advertises walking bars find of the moan it's fantastic yeah you got any quick opening the dogs the women come to I got tricked the drawer next to each other so that it you know you can run the water into the other bar whatever party would either who got stuck in rabbits door after eating too much why did rabbit Blaine poo getting stuck what did you say he said you've eaten too much honey whose time stuck wasn't entirely wasted what use does rabbit put him while he's stuck we on Jackanory was a dartboard he uses him to hang his towels on same thing that's a euphemism for new tonight I wish note we say thank you to our panelists in his lips Julie Andy Martin Andy Martin yeah I know someone called Andy Martin okay I'm so sorry did you nice burn what does he do and he came away fellow Andy I'm assuming from then what I knew nah all right Andy you have passed do you know they wanted me to go into the jungle did die yes that the Tory party or the public the contestant always a trial I'm just picturing you and Dean Gaffney in some kind of love tryst picture on and who's been less kind to Blair this week they're the Americans yes which American it's a weird is a word American name because it sounds like one of those names of people who sends you adverts first sort of natural viagra it's one of those in large you'll pick a lot of those yeah I've got a tiny penis because my mum's are Catholic as well and this is like it reminds you of home quite according to the Daily Mail when Michael grade was chief executive of Channel four he was reviled for screening programs such as I kicked my black ass no the secret says kiss there doesn't it right well either way there's a degree of difference been kicking a black ass and kissing one his donkeys one is absolutely cruel kicking or kissing a donkey you should never run a donkey secretary why can't he walk Donkey Sanctuary in the Holy Land kissing or kicking what would they say if little flossy don't year the month big kick yes what do you think little flossy would say if i came along and gave her a kiss I used to have that but I use the elimin I went to a charity auction yes and the prize of tea with Ann Widdecombe came up I got overexcited and I bid a huge amount of money to have tea with Ann it was fifteen hundred pounds that's a lot just for tea what would it be to spend beyond your range sellers aren't satisfied no there is no evidence the sellers aren't satisfied I've done this show many times I've never seen the panel so frightened I don't know who it is but she's just it's a token woman woman depicted in a typically sexist way hanging around with a load of shopping doing nothing exactly I don't I don't shop I put up shelves and scratch my testicles that worries a breed of dog it's a breed of dog according to the study on an average day men speak 7,000 words in the case of John Prescott not one of them in the right order though he does finish more of his sentences than most of our prisoners Minister for prisons shackled people to the bed have to shackle people to your bed they turn up for tea and then [Applause] and Prince Charles is the old one out because he is Romanian you didn't think you'd hear and win a king so name the hits we are the Cheeky Girls the other one was we are still the cheeky go there was one called take your shoes off take you what off shoes take my shoes off right quick that's my feet of Thrones and watch as a train of off what are you almost said Oh No [Applause] the Cheeky Girls most famous song includes the lyrics we are the cheeky goals we are the cheeky girl you are the cheeky boys you are the cheeky boys we are what did Tony Blair promise last summer as far as spending money on Trident was concerned wasn't gonna do it no he said there'd be a full debate and then he flew off to America he had other matters to deal with cuddling yes who was he cuddling George it would be nice to see them snuggle up wouldn't it have we got any footage of that nice I mean clothed would have been better one senator suggested to Robert Gates oh I'm gonna veneer done jumping ahead there because you may not say who Robert Gates is the audience knows oh I'll come back from it do I come who saw Donald Rumsfeld's ripping all right here it comes again who saw Donald Rumsfeld's replacement I'm not gonna do it if you are speaking of matters in America who saw Donald Rumsfeld Paul they listen to you please laughs every time did you see Donald Rumsfeld's replacement as a u.s. no secretary [Music] [Applause] and what's more nobody in this room cares don't Rumsfeld's replacement as US defense secretary of course is Gareth gates and no defending the channel against accusations of anti-americanism what did the director of the French Centre on the United States say Comerica the title for their morning show he actually said it's not an anti-american operation adding it's more than that who's been stealing cheese this week Gromit alone he's got a new film at the rocky rocky Sens yeah any lucky six that's right and he's given of a 60-year old now and so he tries to become a boxer they said look you can't box another man now you're too old but you can box a huge lump of cheese Rock for how did the Sydney Herald describe the England players not very good they said like medieval Royals with syphilis they went suddenly mad what has sledging got to do with the whole of the cricketing not of sledge anism is what they say you know in cricketers come in and they say made various remarks you know yeah various things you know there was one famous one of he was apocryphal somebody said to Shane Warne hey Shane why are you so fat this is world because every time I fly she gives me a biscuit mystery of seal found stranded in what is it boarding counsel job verge Lane you know this day yes he was in the little verge next to the road and a girl was driving along and saw a seal pup yeah that's damn good the answer is country lane it's the store said she said verge before you said lane merges in the headline she said potato doesn't help it's not who says something first it's whether it's near the answer otherwise the quiz format is kind of sort of lost a little when it was when the goose yes well technically speaking he's not the Home Secretary but you were first I think he's strictly going not only by the rules by the story because the scene obviously wasn't found in the middle of the country lane or it would have been very flat it was found in the verge of a country lane seal in the middle of the lane that British motors have just just drive over yeah there's a seal there Dominique how many points for that that's going in the field ever mind this is a Range Rover will you like this Tran Widdecombe no we like her don't trap him what or what naughty Noel asks women contestants be a pun on deal Deal or No Deal it's date or no date date or no date oh yes now who do you want me to give this to Paul because he gave you the right answer alright okay I just wanted to be absolutely clear about it yes that's how we tend to do it date or no date he wasn't in the room with him lots of people [Music] goldsmith wasn't there no AB stats it the answer is there was no lawyer in the room which dining street is saying is very good news is it yes it means he's not about to be charged and Adam Bolton was saying that it was a great step forward and he lets his point you know who could yes this is the man who's investigating the murder of Princess Diana there is the man who thinks Prince Philip's responsible yeah there eases the killer evil murdering so they've decided to you're whole distinct West out of 10 years and discovered that Princess Diana was murdered by Prince Phillip yes but I suppose if the royal family haven't had some previous history in this sort of thing Lady Jane Grey princes of the town okay no we've just dismissed we've just dismissed any suggestion the royal family was involved I think there was one other conclusion in Lord Stevens yeah yes Prince Phillip did it that was not widely followed up in this morning's papers Lord Stevens Bane be paparazzi yes what happened the ignorin paparazzi who when the car crashed they didn't help her they just took pictures all they did they did whelping to hook Robin exactly where do you know what Stephens but do you've got that on use a real family and what is that wouldn't you Union soon you're Stephens what do you got out on the phone I knew I saw a Harris hamper in your dressing room he's doing another inquiry Lord Stevens knows where the Bears [ __ ] in the woods what does Prince Harry like Deutschland uber alles selection of marching soccer I don't think there's enough respect for the royal family on this how can you expect the band of murderers wills and how you have absolutely no interest in marching songs they're like soul songsters Joss Stone and a chap called Farrell he's a hip-hop master mixer Farrell has been collaborating with Britney Spears Justin Timberlake and Snoop Dogg it's a package deal that's the bishop of southern and he didn't make it back from a drinks party in one piece he found himself in a Mercedes throwing toys out of it the other side of Lambeth bridge when totally stopped him and said what are you doing and he said I'm the Bishop of Southwark that's what I do I think I was the last person he talked to it that's a party who you the rohypnol did you say yes yes yes [Music] well there's a story what was he taking a few drinks I couldn't possibly say well he hoisted away at me I couldn't possibly say well you know keep it back I couldn't possibly say the bishop did he have flexible met around his mouth was his mitre set at a jaunty angle well she's upside down now I've really Sun made a terrible mistake obesity ground crew said oh you buzzed in you do it upside down what has she said in English about her condition she said you think it's jolly funny but it isn't yeah yeah Louise Clarke told reporters it may sound funny to others but waking up thinking you're French is that a terrifying experience yes and it happens to 60 million French people [Music] maximum pressure baton second silence the engines can take a captain Jensen was never meant to be let loose in the human game there could be place we sold that hat yes think you're developing so serious is a Republican streak what head we're yeah does the Queen put on in private according to Pretoria there's a baseball cap with I killed Diana written on the front is a shark a business shark athlete has it that the logo is ain't life a [ __ ] the Queen wears that listen to you do you know what happened to Nigella Lawson's cookbook after she mentioned that you sales of goose fat throughout the country have doubled you can't ask you the other way around is what I'm selling us fat yes I think of a way of Doug bringing in my book since you mention it [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] first time in Sicily usual alcohol audience will want to find out about Bertha in their own good time I want you to pull me out of town basically the biggest one I've ever seen in a daze I mount the stool I was making this out [Applause] poor one inside the six world potato Awards took place this year in Idaho everyone who attends gets a potato clock and by nine o'clock they're out of the house and on their way to the awards what what everybody who gets a potato clock gets a potato clock it's a potato clock see we try that one again try to get try to get everyone who attends gets our potato clock and when they got their potato when they've got up a date at 8 o'clock when they've gone up a day do Claire's breakfast right okay got it okay Tom 3 million bees what pretend to be a policeman they all get together in the shape of a man good evening sir I believe you got honey in the house the ones in more confidence do the speaking watch in the middle of it I just think you were so nearly there we can just limp over the finishing line Aleta convinced me we will be victorious be the next Tory slogan let's just okay I want you to hate you I do not care by what means we get over the pigeon line before we get over it first so design click eruption owls what upsets the neighbor is this the guy had an enormous tree that looks like penis this is a proud ten-foot conifer Allen parking has kept a fir tree into a home it's at what cattle tape here it's call it it's a quarter films in the Box in the ancient world and the ancient road that was called a hub it disappeared one night but then the owner discovered it bed in next doors bush [Applause]

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 296,167

Keywords: hignfy

Id: UnK1hTT8Vxg

Length: 47min 23sec (2843 seconds)

Published: Sun May 17 2020