The best of Hignfy series 57

how has jeremy corbyn is that it happened good question 75. been trying to appear statesmanlike he's got new glasses no let him answer questions we can do what we like on this show [Applause] the other day there was theresa may and jeremy corbyn they spoke apparently at four in the morning who is up at four in the morning and and even if you can't find sleep you wouldn't dream of bringing someone else because you think well surely they'll be asleep that's the booty call you think that's a booty call 4am yeah that's what they're after i think you'll have to explain to david what a booty call is david knows you know no i don't know what a booty caller you know your little black book what well you give me one and then they would fit i'm gonna get it so i think he's got the idea now rees-mogg was obviously very appalled by all this uh but he does have his facebook supporters group let's have a look at this illuminating forum just for insta sake are there any young folk on this site yes i'm 55. what threatens to derail the indicative votes oh was this the the naked protest it was go on i was going to ask you a question but i keep forgetting that's the way i'm it was the naked protest a load of arses appeared in the commons and then so did some naked do you want to see them yes please here they are one two three four davids they've got pants on yeah they've got pants on but you know i wanted to see the old the old lot they've got the honourable member and all honestly it will all come out in a wash everyone's worrying at the moment but if you look back onto the history of princess in 500 years time totally insignificant brexit everyone just sit back have a horlicks and uh just interrupt all your english references from old england comedy on the blower all right governor for things like i mean all your tinned food and stuff the supermarkets have said there's no need to stockpile it the government has said there's no need to stockpile it in fact they're probably right but you know you could end up going to the shops and then not finding coconut milk if you're hankering for a new mrs thatcher she's the one who said we shouldn't have a referendum on europe it was too complicated an issue to put to the public i know that's mrs thatcher i know she was right i've got to admit it maybe that's true all right two people clapped and you're working one of them with your foot so i think that's definitely a majority can you remember that uh what was that chubby geezer from north korea is uh kim jong-un from north korea oh blimey i wouldn't like to be used to that girl i don't know david yes can i just in i'll just interrupt very quickly do you think paul looks like someone thinks he no don't like anybody but think the dup you pee that's quite a tall order [Applause] paul merton looks like arlene foster without you joining i'm busy opening supermarkets in derry can you take that sitting down oh well you have to i think it's probably she's more insulted about it than i am i should think lorraine kelly and lorraine kelly the two lorraines well there was a court case this week that she won where it was argued that there are two lorraine kelly's there is the real lorraine kelly who is lorraine kelly walking around as lorraine kelly and then there's the performer it was about paying tax paying taxes it wasn't just a case it was could she pay less tax because she booked herself in as a persona i mean there's nothing wrong with saying i'm a persona i mean we all do it in real life i'm incredibly nice um actually i like kittens with avocado hungry neanderthals at what for dinner homo sapiens dinner it's their turn i know that i know i'm just jumping jump the gun why not because i'm fair and well you this is i'm here to see fair play no you're not david what am i here for i've no idea a shocking video of david cameron's shepherd's hut on fire has gone viral [Laughter] what has a man called fuzz been doing to hit back up boris you're like this joni fuzz this is a chap who has as they say dipped his johnson in boris's beer he said you know the opportunity of a lifetime arose i think there can be very few of us that haven't sat around thinking about an opportunity of dipping our private parts into the drink of a cabinet minister or former cabinet uh happens to me two or three times a week so far the urge has not got the better of me but this chap um did the tea baggies beer it's very cool i think that is the implication it's called teabagging is it yes i'll show you later okay [Laughter] it was a bit of a shock for boris who thought he'd ordered a bishop's finger if you were forced to smuggle a cornish pasty through customs how would you do it i know going in under both breasts i can get two cornish pasties two bulls iron brew and a sausage dog any answers on your side we can't compete with that we haven't worked out why you'd want to take a cornish pasty to europe you might enjoy a cornish pasta you might always be a family tradition have a cornish pasty analogy oh in brittany yeah yeah and i can keep them warm all the way well that is the important thing yes this menopause is not going to waste other friends in the norfolk set include the earl and contest of leicester lord and lady cook and perhaps surprisingly some people who spell their names the way they're pronounced there's a lot of cook going around those circles yeah meanwhile the duke and duchess of sussex have just set a new world record what did harry and megan do to achieve it in college oxford it's about magdalene we have it in glasgow mulgai it's spelt milan gavi but we pronounce it milgai and you have menzies up in scotland which is pronounced mingus mingus yeah and we've got menzies the news agents yeah that sells a lot of very very good publications but it also sells private oh [Music] yes paul i didn't press who did i think that was you can see why i always lose i've got you don't worry i've got you stratum rovers who tweeted this ahead of a meeting between the two teams this week here's the team sheet for tonight's game and we are absolutely furious because it fielded their players to spell out srfc [ __ ] [Applause] that's beautiful it's about more couples drawing up legally binding contracts to determine who gets the family pet oh in the event of a divorce oh it's a pre-pub yes it's called a pet nup a pet nut i thought yours was better double the points and according to law firm mcguire one in 20 pet owning couples now have a pet nup is this a sensible idea yeah i've got a sausage dog if me my husband split up i'm taking the dog he can keep my daughter what is as barbaric as the sacking of rome is it catching your tits in the shower door nick west from langford in somerset claims he used to buy 650 cans of beer a year for his collection most of his neighbors see him as compulsive but in scotland he's seen as a bit of a light weight getting a look helen nick you want me to show you the tea bagging that's not your damn burning down no one died so it's not a tragedy i mean it is a tragedy but it's not you can laugh you get that on facebook and you get people going i was there eight years ago yeah let's have a look at some of the responses because as you say really sad news but there was quite a lot of people who made it worse with how they responded piers corbin tweeted stone doesn't burn there's something else burning in there oh my god to which quite a few people replied that'll be wood mist but there is good news in all of this people have been raising money for them uh much of the one billion euros has already been pledged who's been putting their hands in the pocket l'oreal yeah um because god's worth it yeah why is it worth it why have they been putting the hand in the pocket tax deductible oh is it yes i was just being cynical your cynicism is well placed do they get their products mentioned in the bible because jesus did have great hair don't yeah he was admired for it but the things that were saved that we definitely know were there was the huge rose window of stained glass yeah the metal chicken that was on the spire the rooster it was a cockroach wasn't it yeah yeah well that was a type of bird isn't it and it's not kentucky fried up there what might be the real reason the president lost patience with julian assange he like sent out a picture of the president eating a lobster didn't it yeah apparently he hacked into his private computer and then posted an embarrassing photograph of the president in bed with a lobster what was the president's excuse for being in bed with a lobster though we're in love that was my birthday i was watching socket in bed it was a great day my wife gifted me the pajamas i was wearing and the lobster his wife he's bought him pajamas and a lobster that is a [ __ ] birthday i can tell you're young [Laughter] what was the worst thing apparently that julian assange did inside the ecuadorian embassy is if it hasn't been bad enough we haven't covered it there's another thing worse than [ __ ] on the walls apparently saw [ __ ] on the ceiling how would you do that um gaffer tate [Laughter] oh i would guess there was some footage that wikileaks put out cause i was worried about the cat um and wikileaks put it out the week before julian assange got arrested i think his lawyer took it some safe hands oh good so the cat knew in advance but didn't tell a song they're like that cats they just don't care listen i use the litter tray so why don't you [Laughter] wikileaks just came out with lots of really unbelievable things but amazing what's coming out on wikileaks wikileaks they want to distract us from wikileaks the sad part is we don't talk about wikileaks because it's incredible mr president do you still love wikileaks uh i know nothing about wikileaks this is uh the crystal palace goalkeeper wayne hennessey who got accused of doing a nazi salute in a photograph but was this week cleared after establishing to the fa that he was too stupid to have heard of the nazis is he also doing that with his hand yes he claimed that that was because he genuinely he claimed that's because he was shouting to the photographer does the bloke next to him never heard of churchill hennessey told an effe panel that he was unaware of what a nazi salute actually was are you telling me that we live in a country that is obsessed with world war ii like our elected politicians are going around you'd think that they'd like fought personally on the normandy beaches and this man has never heard of hitler ever that's right it's mad isn't it he's watched all of faulty towers near jordan 11 one of them he's like i don't get this one at all do you know what though it reminds me of when i got caught swearing on telly and i got away with it because i could blame les dawson's daughter who happened to be in the studio at the time what you just said it was her yeah because i would have been fired were you on screen yeah basically i'd gone off set and the program was still running live and i walked off and on the program they introduced a guest but the sound man faded up my microphone instead of the guests and i had a bruise on my arm and i was like what the [ __ ] is that and it just happened to be at the time that the guest was being introduced and obviously my accent is fairly distinguishable so the quick thinking technical team who didn't want me to be fired because you know i get on with them we swapped the microphones over and said it was oh no we said it was les darsen's daughter because she happened to be in as a guest on the program a guest or a patsy yeah i suppose you weren't lucky you didn't have the archbishop of york or somebody else i lost something i know about this is nando's well done why has whole earth peanut butter been taken off supermarket shelves it's because it's ingredients label says it contains walnuts but accidentally they've written that in dutch so people might not be able to tell there's walnuts in it does anybody know what the dutch is for walnuts hofmeister walnut walnut you can see the problem can't yeah i could confuse a stupid person [Laughter] at the end of wayne hennessey if he's got a walnut allergy and authorities are still mystified as to the cause of the notre dame fire according to cardinal dubois who insists the roof was fine the last time he looked [Laughter] so yes president trump is visiting this country in june there he is waving goodbye how has donald trump described the queen in the past she is an incredible woman she is so sharp she is so beautiful when i say beautiful inside and out that is a beautiful woman i hope prince philip still got his car we have had some worse people over haven't we i mean we made a huge song and dance for the chinese and they came along in the gold coach and all the protesters were moved to one side in case they mentioned human rights or anything so i mean we've got a lot of practice we can do it again that's the spirit who's going to know exactly what trump's plans are and even what he's thinking is it huawei yes she's going to let them build part of our new 5g technology mobile systems yes because um she's decided they can be trusted she is indeed allowing the chinese from huawei no hawaii she's allowing the chinese farmer no come on i'm not here no not here it's easier um how am i going to say this someone help me out how are we this is the sort of top-notch stuff they'll be listening to what are they saying they're still trying to pronounce our company name so back to donald trump who will not be meeting him uh a member of the royal family no no no they have to i think yeah poor [ __ ] i don't think either part of that is true still disappointed by the lack of knighthood in australia dead fish a massive stink oh at the moment numbers are saying hundreds of thousands to millions this river system will run up about 150 kilometers so if you have these type of cures up and down you'll be talking to billions of sheep fish billions of fish being destroyed by this government any last words [Music] i think it's just a list of reality shows and being an mep is the bottom she's done everything else strictly fat farm good evening [Laughter] but you were on a reality show you were on hunted i was yeah to raise money for stand up to cancer yeah right it's good oh you're pulling that old charity well of course yeah because i can just see you cocking your uh what got better eyesight than me well this is the news that there's a bent pool in gloucester uh this really the top story of the week well if anybody does know how the poll got bent and i'm throwing this open gloucestershire live would like to hear from you did you see what happened to the poll email gloss live news at reachplc.com okay fingers on bus well what is that was that it that is the worst story we've ever had in this show it's a public service announcement here we go yeah right they found the cause of the bent pole in gloucester do you know what the difference is between a z dunk and a donkey is it one's male donkey and then with a female zebra and the others are male zebra with a female donkey we don't know but if you do please email gloucester gloss live news reachplc.com modern experts say it's because ships are like mother figures playing a protective role over the crew it's quite sweet i think a lot of it was superstitious because these guys you know they used to go away for like two years and say this would be their mother and they would you know feel that all nice and comfortable inside him a bit weird titan it was definitely a bloke though wasn't it just plowing on oh shut up marjorie it'll be absolutely it was spotted last week by oil rig workers in thailand 135 miles from shore wow and how had the dog managed to get that far out to sea crafted a raft out of passing coconut husks and this is bamboo and then whitaker well the trouble is nobody really knows oh okay um oh this isn't gloucester live if you do have a solution please do get in touch glosslive news at reachplc.com she was in iceland she sat down on some ice which had formed in the shape of a throne and was promptly carried out to sea the iceberg incident happened a couple of weeks ago after which the accident-prone granny completed her tour of europe with a trip to paris where she lit a candle in notre dame attending a naturist event requires wart the undoubted highlight of the naturist society's winter break in bournemouth was wart a warm hand on their entrance it was barry's evening quiz was that fingers on buzzers but it was gavin williamson has been fired for allegedly leaking secrets normally you know if you sacked your defense secretary it would be three volumes of a history book but with this government yeah all right he's gone according to the bbc williamson did by his own admission have a conversation on the particular day with the journalist who broke the story i should say gavin williamson still insists he is telling the truth and is not the source of the leak that was a good bit from the lawyer yeah yeah you can always tell that's sort of comedy gold i should point out that mr williamson has denied the story but ian that you look very like a muppet there that was great for the sake of balance can i say you privately admitted it yeah i'm all for people leaking stuff obviously otherwise he could hide out in the ecuadorian embassy now that it's free yes there's a room free once they've cleaned it up yeah don't want to go through there with a uv light splash was a celebrity show where they just had to dive all right cool i was offered the island is that channel four i think so love island [Applause] that's marks and spencers they look like ears this is the news that the percy pig has gone vegetarian to a rash of complaints despite the new recipe percy the pig is still unsuitable for vegans oh why is that beeswax oh you have cream and some people feel bee products are exploitation of bees who don't choose to have their work used that way they don't get consulted that is scented do dogs choose to be guide dogs for the blind yeah they have to take a test and say do you want to do it a lot of them say no i'm all right you find out quickly about the ones who didn't want the job because they don't keep their owner long yeah oh yeah sure it's the green man right now [Music] finally who would like to see a seagull oh yeah oh wow that's so good oh my god that is brilliant fitbit what does that do is that fitness band meant to measure your activity isn't it yeah how many miles you might walk or how many miles you might swim or fly or is it a surprise to you good grief i've been on a run i think it might tell you how many steps you've taken so because you've walked up some steps yeah yeah people do need a lot of help now don't they if you're too tired to run but you want to feel like you're doing exercise it makes you feel like you did steps well done you what just steps you walked along yes you need a device for that dude i don't think we should have got ian that one for christmas take it back they're upset we would have been better off getting him a casanova strap that to your ankle and tell me all about it legendary lover casanova researchers recently revealed that they'd been unable to find evidence of the gonorrhea casanova claimed to have suggesting that he had exaggerated the condition to help cement his claim of betting so many women that's quite desperate isn't it yeah yeah it's not a great chat up like i've got gonorrhea because i've been with so many great lovers yeah i've got gonorrhea how about it man accused of making the worst fried eggs in the world let's take a look at his appalling culinary efforts yeah oh god why has he got that many beans that's a breakfast bowl of beans you need a small ramekin at most i love that it's black bacon black eggs and carrier says a man from lancashire spends all day counting baked beans and becomes an internet star this is john stitch from blackburn whose analysis of tins of beans has turned him into an internet sensation let's have a look at one of his posts on one occasion john fainted after losing count of his beans luckily though his wife was on hand to check his pulse for him the only bit i don't believe about this story is the words his wife who would marry a [ __ ] like that paul he's a real man and he's going to be watching this as big moments maybe he's too busy counting beans he's counting beans a lancaster cause he can't come down to london to see paul merton in the flashlight thinking wow my story is gonna be on have i got news for you i can't wait to hear what [ __ ] wit his wife's already saying the word behind his back why is he counting the bean sorry i missed this bit because people like it and don't get involved don't get involved i don't know you're involved he's involved now that's being private eye next month yes this is them um they have uh they've done something and uh there's a woman well used to drinking champ for the additional spilling of the champagne from the mouth to announce the uh birth of a baby does anyone know the baby's full name archie yes harrison yes mountbatten windsor indeed there's an ooh from the audience a politician has remembered four things the daily mail actually brought out a royal baby souvenir edition containing 23 pages of unrivaled pictures and reports what do we learn from the 23 pages of coverage anything it must be the first time daily mail has been enthusiastic about a black baby on benefits i'd be amazed that that makes you edit they emerged from the privy purse door yes yeah they just made this stuff i have never emerged from the privy purse have you joe i have after i had sex with the duke of edinburgh that won't get on either phil you know so to speak matron uh yeah yeah why he crashed his car who could be seen camping out on windsor high street duke of edinburgh waiting for you to turn up i would love that we're back to the duke of edinburgh oh lovely yeah we're never far away not in your eyes what is it every time you mention his name you twinkle have you noticed [Laughter] that's very laugh anyway what has the duke of edinburgh done [Laughter] the last two weeks what's the duke of edinburgh done for the first time since the car crash told the queen about you and him nice cake i think that's the same person twice i think she's been photoshopped and that's him in a wig these all look very similar that's why i'm saying it but that's why that's what they say about couples isn't it that they you choose someone that looks like a mirror image of you do you prince charles doesn't look like you no it's the duke of edinburgh oh sorry he looks a lot like me i wish he'd wear the glasses when he was driving should i tell you about a sport ballot paper i had once yeah um so between me and the lib dem there were two penises drawn in the little boxes i had an erect penis and the lib dem had a flaccid penis so we decided on balance i should get the vote seem more purposeful when you say two penises drawn do you mean out of the ballot box if only if only the artist do is quite good but only one of them could stand for parliament fingers on buzzers teams am i meant to be doing this again i've kind of yeah we've still got a bit more of this haven't we thanks paul no we like seeing oh what do you yeah i was completely out of sight hang on hang on no no that's not that was quiet [Laughter] too late put the hammer down my husband often says that's i was stopped for speeding once which i wasn't just saying it was just the car you were in yeah the policeman uh stopped me two of them they took me to the side and to a lay-by and one said we've got one question to ask you and i said fair enough and they said what's paul merton like your answer i didn't tell them i wanted to get off i got stopped by the police once and they they said what's that ian his look like i said he's a right bastard true true and on a road near downing street number ten's chief mouser larry proves his negotiation skills are as strong as his owners you're very keen on brexit having to go through despite it not being a very good idea i see is that gonna happen [Music] good night that's brilliant i mean the bbc said they didn't want to draw attention to the show and i think they certainly haven't you could argue if sabotage their best shot at brexit that's very bbc you could argue you could didn't argue you said that not me my friend yeah heidi allen right can i just check whether this show's actually going out i've got a few jokes which i'll save for next week i think you have to have a photo shoot in your kitchen to get into the race yes and you cut the ovens tom count the ovens four four ovens that we know of there could be more there could be more they come maybe full work surface is just yeah you want to play a game of name that oven yeah is this gonna replace us on bbc one yeah what's the only bit they'll play this is just in case it all goes horribly far again name that oven oh oh you got you took the catchphrase right oh my mother oh my god go on you can introduce it here and tonight on bbc one the unbiased name that box okay let's have our first oven please fingers on buzzers um i think that's an aeg my friend's got it with the rotating knob oh the oven or the friend actually why do you think he's a friend uh this is bosh i'm afraid let's have your next oven that's a dyson a dyson oven oh ian the there's the words of somebody who's never cooked a meal in their own house how many ovens have you got yet in your house uh we got one one i've got a very small one that does toast well there's pop-up ovens i'm gonna have a no-no just i can't imagine you with another one what do you mean you can't imagine me with another i can't see you without me you've got a power of imagination of you yeah you know but it doesn't stretch that far no stretch did you see me next to a fridge a water filter yes yeah why not an oven i don't know i was hoping you could tell me i can't tell you why you can't imagine why i'm not next to it can you see calling next to an oven so absolutely not and i'd be disgusted if i saw you next to one why uh i just always imagined you going to a carluccio's uh why is it a bit tricky for brexit party candidates especially the euro elections what are they lacking a leader apart from debatably a leader a manifesto a manifesto why do you need a manifesto nowadays just say hey vote for me i like a pint i could do you ian i can't imagine you with a pint is there anything you can imagine i can't imagine you with an oven ian with a pint you've no idea what happens after this show we go around to paul's place he puts in a pizza i have a couple of jars yeah there's a couple of jars i was gonna say jar's full of homeless mostly but what did one happy ryanair customer praise them for this week cancelling the fly landing at the airport that they'd suggested they were heading to suggest it yeah well gary tweeted ryanair to say i've just landed in lisbon the whole experience was seamless from beginning to end everyone was extremely helpful but in particular your cabin crew who were friendly and professional very impressed ryanair we're quick to respond hi gary sorry for the inconveniences please submit a complaint [Applause] please submit a complaint donald trump's come in for his old friend hasn't he he's been pardoned yeah by donald trump which is the equivalent of saying you are guilty if anyone had any doubt before whether he was a crook and a con man and was right to go to jail for fraud they don't now donald's pardoned him guilty he was on this show once he was sitting right next to paul there trying to explain why he was innocent it was a very funny show did it go out oh no they put that one out because there was no bias um no he was guilty um let's test everyone's driving theory knowledge with a little quiz here we go what does this sign mean dangerous speeding vehicle mark's not attached to wheels beware looks like jacobery smog if you look carefully which one yeah citizens of the united states are shocked to discover there are worse things you can do to the american flag than burn it at time of recording who's prime minister uh boris johnson it is currently theresa may oh right of course but how bad have things got for theresa may there's been another cabinet revolt she won't even see her main ministers she's now got a a cabinet of two herself and her husband uh even he's walking out uh do you know what number andrea ledson is on the resignation list under theresa may how many have gone 36. she's the 36th minister there's a there's a graph from the bbc a graph on a comedy show this is this is a graph of ministerial resignations before theresa may and here it is with theresa may on it should we see some footage of andrea ledson on the day she resigned yeah absolutely well i'm looking very carefully at the legislation today as leader of the commons that's my job and making sure that it delivers brexit thanks very much it's so weird the man is waiting do you think they know each other no i do i think he's an opportunist caesar on the telly he lives next door right i'm out here he's doing it every day and never gets a kiss but every so often it happens is boris johnson going to be prime minister no front winner never wins in the tourists that's all i can say he can cling to for hope if you're watching if you're watching the repeat and he is prime minister i'm really sorry here's an irish politician campaigning in the euro elections on twitter he's quite clear what he wants to do let's have a look we are really troubled in this country with state corruption that's one of the things i intend to take care of if i come back here with the office of mep welcome back with mep office that's gone number one ben gilroy for europe and i'm going to europe to get our money back okay uh can i just ask why you've applauded that you thought that's the kind of strong leadership we need now this hopeless attempt at compromise bloke with a big stick whacking thing what other bad news was there for the uk last weekend eurovision how did we get on i didn't see it but i understand that we came we came last we came last do you know how many points we got four was like 21 or something it was 16 but it was wrong wasn't it then there was a recount and five points were removed mcdonald was terrible wasn't she oh dreadful do you watch the eurovision song contest of course do you yeah oh i'm really glad i would have imagined that you'd be watching something on bbc4 at the same time oh no no cause all their documentaries don't go out yeah you saw madonna singing like a prayer yeah well i thought it was gonna be brilliant and then she opened her mouth would you like to hear it again yes i [Music] would oh i felt sorry for i thought she wasn't singing very well she'd hurt her eye did you know it's just oh i literally love it it's my favorite thing in the whole year it's better than any election it is the best thing ever i love it did you vote for any of them i didn't vote this year because actually i didn't think any of them were quite up to the standard that i've come to expect and i think that the netherlands you didn't vote i didn't vote i did vote in today's election oh yeah sorry in yesterday's election there was an election yesterday as well this is uh amazon and these sort of voice recognition systems that use uh female voices and some people have complained that this might be sexist stereotypical things mind snip doggy dog is it my sat nav how did you get him to do that he's just got a lot on really yeah yeah and he knows the birmingham area really well he really does i think it's a load of rubbish people being upset about whether it's a man or a woman's voice really i don't think the worst problem of sexism in the modern era is siri speaks with a female voice no no it's actually a male voice in this country anyway but what voice does your siri have you've got the voice of gladstone on yours i'm afraid that hasn't yet been invented sir it definitely listens to you all day and then push market to you like you say like i've got my period then you get loads of tampax things on your uh facebook it it's just fine on you why do you have to tell that that it's your period no but i don't tell it i'm like talking about it with my mates or were we talking about needing new tights or something and it's listening and then it's trying to sell me like tights and like botox is constantly trying to sell me botox well as it's not just noted you being grumpy god i bet she's got her period does anyone know what prize was given to the female winners at the asturias squash championships in northern spain an actual squash like a butternut squash in a way yes a durex vibrator yes this sort of mechanical version of the quash [Applause] the women were delighted let's have a look at the delighted winners how did feminist champions the daily star it's the game squash the game squash yes what's been going on what have you been thinking about he was talking about squash the fruit the vegetables are like you know as a joke i'm terribly sorry i was making the mistake of taking you seriously i will stop at once yes of course 50 shades of grey is genuinely one of the funniest books i've ever read i have only read uh the first one and i gave that up halfway through but it is it is total comedy uh i i have favorite lines from that book as i turned to face him i saw he had his erection firmly in his grasp that happened to me once in a green grocer's not sexy there's another bit there's a bit where his hands glided over my breasts kneading gently taking no prisoners i mean he takes no prisoners in the breast-needing department i can't believe you've memorized two quotes for me anymore i should have two quotes okay no we haven't got all night theresa may's resigned and now there's an enormous race to succeed her yes so because cedar in literally the worst and most toxic job imaginable yeah the sort of job you'd have to be an idiot to take yeah and so there's a huge field of candidates it's interesting that you mentioned homes under the hammer because there was some great controversy oh well this would be live footage was put in instead of homes under the hammer was that the complaint this is it all those fans who are expecting and there are a lot of us yeah to watch homes under the hammer uh this is a program about property auctions are in and not about the attempted mercy killing of eamonn holmes although the second option would get more viewers yes there's a whole world i'm missing yeah it's called the 21st century daytime tv yeah exactly lord hell shall have been producing the jeremy kyle show ian would be in it i mean there's a slot free there now yeah there is actually oh you'd be great at jeremy calgan get a job i could see you doing i blame this program why for making him nice and accessible i blame you guys have you have you never seen this show if you look at the history of the show nearly everybody who's been on more times than boris became prime minister ken livingston yeah charles kennedy yeah absolutely they were all there jermaine grier first female prime minister all our full you put someone on the show a lot of times it's our fault i mean i didn't vote boris in i thought he was absolutely unsuitable and unfit for any office the whole of london europe's biggest electorate votes boris in twice so don't blame us the matt hancock app a social networking site named after him the problem with the app was that if you launched it you got this rather creepy message matt hancock would like to access your photos some people had jokes at his expense oh anyone who fancies beerus tonight matt hancock me do not matt hancock me this is an 81 year old man who's trying to drive from newcastle to rome ah that got a bit lost um how did the unnamed 81 year old never been named never been named in this life what dave smith and the sun had to say all about this did he not stop for food or fuel then surely it would have been obvious with everyone wearing lederhosen and eating sausages and drinking beer instead of eating spaghetti and drinking wine dave a man from the 70s when the hapless bloke from newcastle arrived in rome and stepped out of the car to look for the sistine chapel he forgot to put the handbrake on and his car rolled back and knocked him over with the open door before knocking down the road sign what else emerged this week that could make trump's meeting with prince charles a bit tense he had a thing about diana he did an old interview has resurfaced um in which trump said i only have one regret in the women department that i never had the opportunity to court lady diana spencer she's been through enough he also went on to add that diana would still be alive if she had been dating him instead of dodie fired because he knew the speed limit in tunnels in paris wow wow what a good opener at dinner with the queen what in river thames sparks bomb alert bomb i think i know this one do we get a point if we actually get it right yeah yeah wow that's late in the day you don't have quizzes not really no not really it's not really your area of expertise is it richard it was it was um an enormous christmas bauble yes are you saying that you've been withholding right answers until this point the answer is a giant christmas bauble here's the bauble a group of holidaymakers has accused a greek restaurant of overcharging for their calamari starters saying it's a good job we didn't order the souvlaki the s sorry saying could i do that again but you know like a human a group of holidaymakers has accused a greek restaurant of over-charging for their calamari starters saying it's a good job we didn't order the slim flocking there we go good job we didn't order something that wasn't on the menu group of holiday holidaymakers accuse a greek restaurant of overcharging for their calamari starters saying it's a good job we didn't order the souvlaki thank you so that cheer is not going to make any sense to anybody watching i live sounds like the whole studio yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't either good move i live for those pity cheers finally someone's mentioned siblings

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 69,448

Keywords: hignfy

Id: 1p5N8u7UnS8

Length: 50min 38sec (3038 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 08 2020