The best of Hignfy series 51

so it's a massive um exposure of um this panamanian company which sets up offshore for money laundering tax evasion i think it's putin the alleged corruption with mr putin number of his friends he's probably never met any of them oh he's gone um most most journalism doesn't end up with the prime minister resigning but in iceland i mean was it ten percent of the population went out on the street that'd be the equivalent of five million of us going up to downing street and saying give us your dad's money back just an idea he has not resigned he has merely vacated the office of prime minister i know we've heard this before anyway what's the man in iceland called sven i get a german on and he does the racist stereotype it's just probabilities i can't help noticing there are a lot of extremely bald men in the news at the moment so shall we play a game of whose bald bones is this team's fingers on bald buzzers who's that ian duncan smith yes it is hey ian you made him cry didn't you i did um he suddenly started crying when he told me about this this young girl who um had no start in life and he wanted to to help um and then people said well what did you do when he cried did you comfort him and i said no it's ian duncan smith you didn't tell ian duncan swifty were related to him [Music] is it someone's knee feel a bit hypocritical on this round you're not there yet incredibly expensive ending through the bvi the first casualty of the scandal was iceland's prime minister who has been forced to resign he's also in danger of having his assets frozen still that's what happens if you go sunbathing in reykjavik ronnie corbett that one's for you oh and there's uh the president of china happy hour yeah david cameron trying to do uh this man of a people bit like nigel farage and failing him isn't he yes what do you think farage looks good with a pine or two yeah that's what this country needs somebody's always on the piss i've worked for churchill didn't they yeah he's up against different opposition though and thankfully we're allowed to make those remarks because we won yeah i shouldn't have brought it up i was going to say you started no no no it a great bunch of people ukip and i'm sticking with you kip well at least i hope if they let me back in you're suspended for what six months six months are you going to appeal i absolutely am try and get a year why is he so angry he's a billionaire he's got a lovely wife who loves him for his money i mean what is the this is the news that scientists thinks cats can pick up regional accents uh before we get into the enormous detail of this uh story how do cats say meow in germany henning meow our british meow's under threat from brussels suzanne scientists behind this claim actually come from sweden what noise do cats make in sweden sweden yes some people think they saw the loch ness monster his footage shot from a thames cable car well it's uncanny isn't it what now goes by the less insulting nickname [ __ ] fakes mcgee it's the only one i can think of i know this one i think oh god i tried to get very large sofa into tiny car is the right answer [Music] attempting to what gets it horribly wrong justified a bombing off dresden but just before we go this time for the captain competition [Music] after a rare moment of honesty ian hislop's career takes a down turn to be fair to the press they have made it clear that they don't do kiss and tell stories anymore yeah they've learned their lesson from levison except during the period they had the whittingdale story they ran stories about brooks newmark tory mp you've never heard of simon dan chuck every single jot and tittle of his sex life they ran in full they ran the labor pier his sex life prostitute the whole thing except in the case of the man who's in charge of regulating the press and beating up the bbc oh we don't run that sort of story we only run the stories about everyone else which story is the press more interested in publishing but can't they are very interested in that celebrity couple and the threesome yeah but that's a very huge national interest but you see that's the point the point is with the whittingdale story there's only two people involved that's why they're not running it yeah do you want to name the people under the injunction no i think it'd be better coming from you you'd have more authority it would have a lot more authority people would like it go on we don't know who they are though in certain parts of the united kingdom the name has been revealed uh which suggests that things but i mean it would be interesting to find out because obviously we're not going to say anything about it but it'd be interesting to ask the audience if they know not yet say out loud but just put your hand up if you know who we're talking about well that's virtually everybody it's ryan gates what potentially would be the the punishment for breaking this injunction at this point well i think you'd be guilty of of contempt of court right and you'd be breaking an injunction and that's a pretty serious charge those of us who've been guilty of it before are pretty damn very very well you know this subject very well we'll get this story eventually and everyone'll go oh oh is it them oh i thought they might be doing that last time there were super injunctions and injunctions with famous people um members of the house of parliament got rounded it by just shouting out the names in the middle of debates so you are having a debate about i don't know international women's day or fiscal attitudes to the united states new child ryan giggs and everyone thought it was very funny and it was privileged um but this time he said everyone's going to behave i'm not going to have people being silly and just shouting out the names of the celebrities so he's he's as ever rather ruined the fun ukip activist jack neal posted a picture of himself on facebook let's have a look but hang on hang on there's there's a perfectly good explanation as usual with uk [Music] and he said mr neal suffers from acne and as a result he often wears facial mask to treat his skin [Music] that's the best i've ever heard easily there's a huge spot in his nose by the look of it thank you uh i was talking about uh the uh boxer tyson fury um and i was not referring to him specifically out of my own mouth as a no she comes it's french for [ __ ] after all this blow up my brother-in-law he says to me says clive if you actually fought him in the ring he beat you as if that's a revelation to me i mean the guy eats raw eggs he runs 300 miles a day and he's the boxing champion of the world i read out aloud for a living hello here's the news he does seem to have an awful lot of jobs member of parliament mayor of london yeah columnist in this and that telegraph writer of books and he still finds time for all his extracurricular activities allegedly now what is the ghostly vision that mr cameron is trying to convert well first off jobs they suggested he's in the ku klux is it the scandi version of the adele single i had a very embarrassing moment in sweden yeah i was over for uh work stuff seeing some people and they said do you want to come around later i said yeah sure and so then we all had to have a sauna together and i found myself with these strangers completely naked in a sauna and we had to thrash ourselves with birch twigs and i said to john wishing there i don't know i have a vision of you entirely naked but with with a donkey standards must be maintained the possibility that there could be a sleeper train called the shack doesn't it follow through are you sure that's just what the bishop said to me in the last email it's you because you triggering me a jimmy somerville reaction and it brings out the sweary pre-ordained richard cole that's unhealthy oh i feel i'm there to be put behind you not in that way [Music] jimmy was never behind anyone [Laughter] and on the outskirts of cambridge a technology company unveils its robot simulation of the final stages of eddie izzard's 27th marathon very accurate there i think there's five stamps i think there's four of the heads and then one of that little stack that he's standing on they're just old photo cases i think i mean literally the photographer hadn't thought beforehand so he improvised so it hadn't occurred to him that george might be shorter than the other people and it was a surprise it's like oh my gosh you look a lot bigger in the official photos i have no idea what horrible pressure on the queen there you've got a picture of a head now next to a picture of a head when she was a lot younger i mean it feels a bit it's the sort of thing that danny male would do hasn't she aged badly 1957 she looked a lot younger oh they've lost it because the nine is gone that's why the lady was running she's lost it is a problem for royal commentators because they've been doing the same program for 50 years lot of time to feel a lot of time to feel and very very little to say so the balloon went off and holy [ __ ] we've got 20 minutes out of it let's see how this pans out we could do a spin-off special on this one how did german magazine der spiegel celebrate the queen's birthday they put a touching tribute on their front page it was an article specially commissioned by prince charles george osborne put out this massive dossier with like loads of equations and dummy variables and all of this crap let's have a look at that equation who you know if you're trying to get somebody on side to an argument you don't use algebra that that's that's that's that's what that's the real question that is the equation that george osborne unveiled so eddie you're you're pro eu who is your unlikely ally it emerged this week oh i don't know um well this is a thing this is a thing i thought you're just talking to can me just say something are you doing the secretary glasses on and off thing because you keep taking no do you know what it is because i'm too short-sighted to read an auto cue but i i can't then see that you know when i no actually i'm not gonna say it [Laughter] time now for the odd one out round sorry i'm not the only one who's intrigued about what you were gonna say i think i think i explained this once before but when i didn't think the show was being recorded then they put it on the end but it was when i bought my glasses that's what i said to the optician because i was nervous about getting glasses they might really i said i want the sort of glasses that a librarian would wear in a porn film he said to such a 57 year old bangladeshi optician he went i'd have no idea yeah he's probably never been to a library well he chose well it is definitely time for the odd one out round this is a box that when you switch it on i think something comes out of that door and switches it off do we have a look yeah yeah well that's great i like that i think i thought it would be for the nuclear button couldn't they so how did ken livingston bog it this week if i'm using it in the right context he came out in defense of someone that the party had now suspended and that's shah who's an mp and as shah who made some rather unfortunate um anti-semitic posts but um as she said it was it was way back in 2014 which is you know he is nipping into one and he was in there for 20 minutes while journalists shouted questions about hitler at him he's got terribly long legs you know it's a true story and he said i know he probably thought this is the weirdest chat up line i've ever had actually tim peake he broke a world record for running a marathon in space why did this lady yes betty barker think tim peake was drunk last christmas eve he called her from the space station by mistake after getting the wrong number on his space phone when he was trying to call home oh she was lucky there was a photographer there to capture the moment well betty barker thought he was a drunken reveler looking for a good time she's optimistic and she says he just said hello is that planet earth so i said no which i suppose is technically incorrect and she said i thought it was someone looking to go to a nightclub called planet earth so i hung up it's quite picky this is a bit extraterrestrials may have been trying to contact us for decades but they speak to the wrong people betty barker anyway the village of melathiru venkata nathapuram thank you is that the place it's not a railway station where they say we're here jk rowling said that she'd named harry potter's hermione after character in winter's tale yes very good she said a lot of people in america pronounce it herme won a lot of people in america that sounds very scientific yeah i used to think that penelope was pronounced penny lope i mean the word discotheque has long disappeared but a friend of mine thought it was disgothicu mind you know a friend of mine thought that doing was pronounced dwing well hang on david tennant isn't that you i was richard ii not which are the third just being pedantic i think but you do rather resemble the statue of richard the third really yes i don't own a hat like that no and will there be a film yes are you in it david not yet bardi i only learned his name yesterday vardy i did a lot of work before this thing did you say you referred to this program this thing yeah i thought football is coming up i really need to know my stuff so i know why they won yes four four two oh really tell us about that even tell us um well you've got um here we go ten players together four of them are in one bit yeah four of them in another and two right over there in another bit what did trump's rival ted cruz do immediately after conceding defeat punched his wife in the face didn't he did he not once but twice let's have a look what is being sold at donald trump rallies that's causing particular offense uh nc hillary clinton messages yes do you know what they are uh kill the [ __ ] you say you're a bollywood fan do you have a favorite actor a favorite bollywood film oh no you're gonna i wouldn't be able to i'm not gonna give you one i can't thank you i can't think of a favorite i think of a single bollywood film or actor i can't think of a favorite i love the i love the whole i love almost everything about bollywood i love the atmosphere i love the color i love the excitement i want as much bollywood as possible here in london i love him trying to coast it it's that boris thing i was nothing boris johnson's term as mayor of our capital city has come to an end after eight years so let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office with a goodbye boris buzzer right yes ian that's boris having trouble with his zip he got trapped on the zip wire yes and anybody else it would have been the end of his career but with boris everyone went look he's got stuff so let's fire up the newsatron [Music] that looks like the cheapest prop from doctor more weird cheaper ones than this bbc also released a doctor who version of operation where you operate on a dalek wish i'd had a cut of that i could be doing shakespeare tonight instead of this [ __ ] it wasn't [ __ ] before you got here labour has to be a big tent that appeals to everyone to which jeremy corbyn quickly responded we have a very big tent it's an enormous tent it's just that everybody else is outside passing enter so what are you saying they want us all to go camping with them because i ain't sharing a tent with diane abbott i don't know about you hasn't bothered me in the past [Laughter] are these scottish tories i can see some ginger hair no offense is that the first time anyone said no offense let's have a look at a block of flats being demolished in glasgow as seen through the camera lens of one excited onlooker [Laughter] is the wolf wearing something in the nether regions it seems to be something what is like a thong he's wearing these other blokes underpants he's naked and the wolf's wearing a thong the eurovision knows its audience on his way to croft's one impatient driver get stuck in a traffic jam so let's find out how the teams line up captain ian his lock plays on the right if the government's on the left and on the left if the government's on the right and their opponents tonight captain paul merton like jamie vardy who started off in an amateur steel workers team paul kicked off his career with a csa in metalwork imagine if like if if boris becomes prime minister and trump becomes president can you imagine just on a windy day what that's gonna look like it's just gonna be like just swirling watch how boris deals with this camera [Laughter] man yes he is burning a check uh for 350 million pounds in a furnace uh which is what manny united may as well have done this season it's supposed to represent the amount [Laughter] [Applause] that leicester lot wasn't there did well didn't they as you mentioned it they did all right i didn't watch the parade on telly i i followed it on the internet you could track danny simpson's tag just on people getting off doing community service tricky just as well where you come from oh there we go [Applause] but you know it was always nice to watch an old woman in very heavy clothing yeah you know it's always a bit of fun isn't it put a massive heavy thing on her and a big crown yeah then go on love get up them stairs it's just sort of like a sparkly it's a knockout was that the king of bahrain you know it's other super mario he thought he was just uh he thought there was a princess in danger that photograph does look like she's holding up a face of him doesn't it let's see what the odious uh megalomaniac had to say to the possible future president we have a new mayor of london sadiq khan he's the first muslim mayor congratulations he's been quite critical of you as you know are you offended by what he said yeah i am because he doesn't know me never met me doesn't know what i'm all about he called me this because he didn't know me and trump had suggested that all muslims in the entire world were terrorists did he know them all why was moses camara particularly upset by the bomb because he traveled from sierra leone or somewhere like that he traveled from one of manchester united's more local fans yeah they might get relegated next year that'd be funny wouldn't it don't you have to present without your clothes on yeah yeah that's right she's very keen yeah i can't wait why don't you ever just bet on things like i'll give you a fiverr are you actually going to do it yeah well you'll have to wait and see here's an idea why don't you get that fat block to stand in front of you first do that perfect queen spotted in what dick what it's one of those recipes queen well i don't think you want to clear that one up we're not talking about princess margaret here you know as the knights had gone up and as speculation continues over tv football presenters appearing in just their underwear jose mourinho joins the debate the exchange rate mechanism we're in it but do we want to be in it 20 years ago we go into the office one day and the market seem to think we don't want to be in it well as the day goes on we find the markets are acting against us we put up the interest rates from nine percent to 10 to 11 to 12 percent 30 up to 50. nothing is happening we're banging the top of the screen the point is at the beginning of the day we didn't i can't stand attention what happens what happens at the end of the day child what happens the point is at the beginning of the day we didn't know what was going to happen while it was happening we didn't know what was happening and when it had happened we didn't know what had happened when i was a politician i used to agree with the last person i'd met and that and always i found was the way forward and um there was a referendum before before you were even born in 1975 and our leader then was a man called edward heath he was the last person i met that time she agreed with him that time so i agree with him this time mrs thatcher at that time said we must go in yes nobody knows anything even mrs thatcher even giles this is blessing i know i don't feel like i've seen a coherent or argument from anyone i'm really confused you should be what should i do giles i would go back to canada because we will all be joining you because we'll be we will be forced out of our country by the tens of millions hundreds of millions who are going to arrive here any minute the moment the borders come down we'll be traveling escaping please don't come to canada with trump we already have americans threatening to come in and we've got to now build a wall americans are not as physically fit as mexicans it won't have to be a high wall just a little a speed bump should do it so what is the story about these people the rumor is that she is going to be donald trump's running mate whoa it's hot it's a hot story it's just it's hot because you've just made it up so if her and donald trump were together if somebody says what an ass [Applause] there's already a tv series at the minute which just finished on bbc2 and that is uh the trial with them in it of o.j simpson well kim kardashian's father was one of the men responsible for getting oj off and then he died of karma i mean cancer and then [Applause] the nearest we get to the kardashians is the crankies um a scottish you won't know them it's a scottish family i know the crankies you're not the crankies when you talk to me like i was just born i lived over 10 years oh i'm so sorry i didn't realize that it's all right i like it kind of good well we love her we're very very happy to have you and i'm sure the brexiteers and the remain people will make exceptions in your case yes as i am an irish citizen go on you're an irish citizen i am but it's for another day giles we'll have lunch now i've heard what you're saying you have no idea the trap opens after the poor innocent walks in this is just a selfie she's got a lovely bathroom i'm intrigued by the bathroom equipment yes we're getting a new bar it's very dangerous that young girls might see this photo and follow suit like i did in my own bathroom you know after the referendum b day it's a continental thing they'll be out i thought it was a drinking fountain yeah not a member of a club yourself oh boy i'm uh a member remember a couple of clubs um tell us he's in the alzheimer's league i was just wondering which ones to admit to you're not a freemason are you no huh [Laughter] the star of the revenant takes a stroll around the grounds of his recently purchased beverly hills mansion because i keep seeing them say this 350 million pound a week that's what i'm seeing is that how much it costs to be in the evening no that doesn't include the rebate or what they say all the things nearly all yeah this voice of yours ian i really like it it's good you take requests are there certain sentences you'll say in this voice anything you like what category are you in then i was just second from our staff and ultimate hostile right what's that called uh oh core group negative negative yeah sounds like a disease first symptoms hoarseness and voice [Music] why are there 12 stars on the eu flag is that how many times we've won the world cup you have to press your button jason oh sorry that's one of the things they tested when you're going to university can you spot a light coming on i was looking over there it's nice in the winter months though [Music] [Laughter] perhaps this is the allegations about tory election expenses the alleged electoral that's quite hard to say electoral no the alleged electoral electoral [Laughter] [Music] my advice is drop the alleged there are loads of great names uh buzz if you can tell me the occupation of the following people these are all genuine les mcburney firemen yes from wisconsin bath toothman plumber [Laughter] dentist very good dentist mark demand rapper professional footballer professional killer he's a footballer and of course you'd get that yeah he's a full name demand a defender i would guess yes there's something strange going on in his lob's voice isn't quite the same as it normally is that i know nothing about football [Applause] and i leave you with news that at london zoo the vet begins a round of prostate examinations [Music] that's a noise it makes when you stick a finger [Applause] [Music]

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 308,302

Keywords: hignfy

Id: UZoC2HI9Df4

Length: 38min 1sec (2281 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 27 2020