HIGNFY S39E04 Jeremy Clarkson, Clare Balding & Andy Hamilton

can I apologize in advance since I was last here I've become much older I'm now 50 and my eyes have given in and these may as well be written in micro dogs there are many many many foreign names and they are too pronounced now can't even read them so I'll be doing it all from memory it'll probably be a total cock-up from start to finish again no no because I don't want to look like Dimbleby with that yeah that gravitas I can see it [Music] [Applause] good evening welcome to have I got news for you I'm Jeremy Clarkson in the news this week in a key marginal as their policies fail to convince there are signs that labor are now attempting to win over voters one at a time he's waiting to campaign on the Isle of Wight Gordon Brown regrets asking the captain for a go at the wheel one man proves that riding on the pavement isn't the most annoying thing that a cyclist can do after analyzing the first leadership debates body language experts conclude that in the event of a hung parliament Nick Clegg would differ and then join the Tories aliens team is a broadcaster and journalist who presents ramblings for radio for where she interviews a celebrity while rambling through the serene British countryside over other people's property [Applause] and on Paul's team is a writer and comedian who presented BBC fours it's only a theory a panel show that mixed science and comedy bit like those people who claim that global warming is caused by humans please welcome we start with the bigger stories of the week Paul and Andy take a look at this yes this is a volcano of course in Iceland and this is the emergency cabinet thrown together people were stuck a broad were they in there there they are being stuck abroad they had to hire ships and various things to try and get back to the desire because for six days we had no planes in the end that's the world's longest game of I spy one of those kids with a squeegee when you want one is there I think this is the earth the the planet the universe is telling us which way that people should consider voting in the next general election okay no it's been going for about sort of ten thousand years twenty thousand years but it's time it isn't exactly right but he's basically saying ash down ash down [Music] yeah this is the yes but knowing that a volcano exploded who's the man to the left of piece of Mandelson than in that picture Lord of Darkness yes that's the name that raises false expectation stuck including you in Poland I wasn't stuck I just used my ingenuity and got back no I used my ingenuity and found a man who was driving to Calais and hopped on his car yeah pretty much man called Sydney I'd like to say thank you Sydney yes were you more stuck than that no not really we're in Poland and I realize you can't make any jokes there cause it was that they were burying everybody and so people want to laugh yes whoopee cushion so a linen got the plane to Brussels but they Brussels closed so it's a Prague of foods Paris and then got the last car they had and it was all very simple actually yeah so all those people who are queuing and whinging being pathetic really a lot of them yes bonus point for anyone who can name or pronounce the name I should say of the offending volcano it's known as that volcano in Iceland yeah yeah yeah yeah it is I feel a you're good this is what it is that's what the newsreaders have been saying they've been practicing all week yes have I I have Fiat good glassier that's it well used to sits over the top of it but she's now he's all over everywhere yeah the actual volcano do you know it's called mr. Wilson the top [Applause] what did one American travelers say when she was told that all flights back to the States had been canceled that's a shame she said does that apply to business class [Applause] you'll reward as well this week were you Andy yeah don't deny it we have some footage which proves that you were in Afghanistan [Applause] in fact mr. Walley oh just admit it yeah I'm a sleeper buddy well you're the deputy leader of the Taliban well maybe now get a bit of respect so it's not Afghanistan so I'll just do this so that we cover I do apologize I was actually in Sitka that was yesterday this joke has matured you'll find it's like wine it's much funnier now than it was a minute ago when you first heard it suggest that the leader of the Taliban had been in Afghanistan that's serious so Andy you were abroad this week weren't you was that just act that wasn't acting he said you'd ask me that a minute ago trying to be healthy so much worse than this in a minute really you were abroad this week what you Andy what are you a member a Taliban or something you were abroad this week were you well if you say so yeah where you were in Pakistan I have proof yes look yeah this has gotta be one of the most the wildering moments I think I think we should get up there and start flying again cuz you know there's no well I'll see the clouds still there but there's no risk good for six days though wasn't it here if you weren't trying on travel anywhere anything on if he were here and you were near an airport and somebody wrote in the run of the paper said I was in Kew Gardens and I heard a B and the other side that guy he wrote to the Guardian on that very subject thanks to the planes not being flying he was now able to hear the traffic on the North [Applause] because you know volcanoes tend not to work to a schedule this one's gonna kicker and there's a bigger one out of the road the papers are gonna love it though aren't they well they were very keen to say the economy is gonna collapse it's all over people will be queuing in supermarkets for exotic fruit had a Kiwi for days the real scandal was Icelandic incompetence yeah it seems to me very odd that nowhere in Iceland divided anyone discussing the option of a human sacrifice the gods are obviously angry but they've been a piece now we've changed the science I love the way science works on day one it's far too risky for anyone to fly six days later everyone's lost a huge amount of money do you know I don't think it's so risky what we need is someone to invent a gen jet engine that can cause I thought quite well this danger business yes we've got some footage here of a German man who works for Luft Hansa explaining his take okay we have seen no impact on the engines no impact on the engines performance neither on the cockpit windows nor on the fuselage I want you to now look at a chap from the British Institute of Mechanical Engineers and his view on it it is going to crash on people everybody on board will die [Laughter] what I thought was extremely funny about the whole thing would see the panic in the political parties they realized that they're in an election and they had no official party line on volcanoes they're thinking and the way they were charged in like Gordon Brown you know sent a couple of warships to France which is just like a default setting and clay half-expected Clegg to steam in with a promise that the Lib Dems were going to abolish volcanoes the old geology people are sick of volcano once did you see the you Guardians handy cutout mm keep guide for worried readers no it provided answers to some of the common questions obviously that stranded travelers have been asking for example if I was bumped from a flight during the crisis will I be first in line when they start again okay the answer is probably not question if I was booked on a flight leaving tomorrow will I still get on it answer it depends when I get my money back answer check with the operator question I've missed several days work will I lose any pay answer possibly for me to read The Guardian no one Scottish guy who really summed it up I thought rather well you only found out when you got to the airport you didn't know in your hotel so be honest he might have an issue with frozen food yes yes according to the times 1.3 million tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions were saved over the past 4 days because the planes weren't flying marvelous I can now relieve my telly on standby again I can't because of course this was going on while the planes were flying outside there I thought that was just the exhaust from your car yes did you have to rush back to present Top Gear no you took it Islam no no it's not really your target audience actually this really is this is the Icelandic volcano which caused all flights to be grounded for a week keen to explain the technical complexities of flying through volcanic ash The Daily Star turned to be a pilot Erik moody who explained it's like negotiating your way a week initially doing their bit to spread the panic The Daily Express reported that authorities have warned people to stay in or wear a mask around advice if you're Andrew Lloyd Webber a Daily Star the first flight to land in the UK was from Toronto which seems sensible there aren't any Belgians handy test everything out on Canadians the end of the flight ban is particularly good news for the Samaritans who've been inundated for the past six days with calls from distraught plane spotters with nothing left to live this what's new click huh I agree with Nick it's plagued its leg he's here to stay I agree with Nick again I agree with Nick great don't smooth that basically they've got its Nick Clegg that's well done yeah it is indeed Nick question for the man who complained about the volcano I was actually managed to get really a full long wave on the journey to Calais and I was really annoyed that the volcano wasn't the lead story Nick Clegg Watson thousands of people having a bad time is nothing compared to the media noticing that the Lib Dems have got a leader who is impossible to vote for anyone either than labour or conservative but then the Liberal Democrat Party was invented well it's basically what the papers say yeah they did their classic Acton for the last few years they've got Nick Clegg no one's heard of him Nick Clegg he does one debate and everyone goes why isn't he under more scrutiny from behind you've ignored him you know the second leadership debate is happening right now over on Sky brilliant scheduling I think therefore there's nobody there obviously noticed everybody thought that Clegg had won the debate at all he had to be was not Cameron and not brown I mean the Lib Dems could have put up a chimp I missed the whole debate he basically said I am NOT David Cameron or Gordon Brown and the audience went wild everybody agreed afterwards Clegg did one but the BBC can't say that you know BBC News has to be impartial so watch this and then they would do the properties up paid for by you and pocket the difference in personal profit they got away scot-free well our audience seemed to really like that reaction now the system doesn't work but that sort of sentences I think just completely unacceptable in terms of what the public expect for proper punishment so there again the audience seemed to react favorably to us and support us on keeping education together and then mr. clay why won't you support education I spent industry be and Gordon Brown scored well there the audience look at this you got Freddie Flintoff if he was able to take up murdering every conceivable different type of person they're all saying all those things they're all brilliant that's the ghost of John Lennon I'm sure so what was found in the back of a cab after the first debate neck legs notes yes do you know what they said no but it's the first time middle-of-the-road views have ever been found in a cab well specifically what they actually said is don't act weird like the Prime Minister has been saying to him who are you one of them did but know there was somebody in Swansea shouted in you are a posh and you get paid three times what the average person earns now that needs a snappy comeback yes he said yeah I'm not paid three times the average salary I'm paid two and a half because you know Clegg is quite posh yes you know he was at school with Louis Theroux yes went to Westminster school didn't know who did but that's in he's favored because the House of Commons is oh and he knows the area as soon as Clegg appeared getting any sort of support the right-wing papers went mad The Times has put the boot in and the mail basically said have a look at him I think you'll find he's foreign is he married to a foreign person his mother foreign you're absolutely right what they actually said was his wife is Spanish his mother Dutch his father half Russian and his spin-doctor German the fact he was born in Buckinghamshire but to live through you know who claimed she was Nick Clegg's yeah wake him up in the morning do you know how he woke him up quite right to be so alarmed woken by sort of bending over so this is absolutely classic attempt to smear all public school boys by suggesting their homosexuals I know Jeremy how did your wake you up my bombing me star set about exposing some of the Lib Dems nuttier policies do you know what they were they're going to scrap Trident Trident and something about gerbils really the previous question Yahoo is we keep tribe because it's a deterrent but you think well surely we could save the money and just pretend we've got tribal beat marbled missiles and you transport them around the country with the awesome yeah every now name you pretend there's been a bit of a nuclear accident yeah vacu eight whales yeah it's in after Michael Caine who's the next much-loved popular figure who's come out and risked it all really by admitting that he's supporting the Tories Paul Daniels no GB Gordon Brown [Applause] that's the biggest gap with each campaign no it's Gary Barlow Cameron quipped at the photo opportunity the other night on the debate I felt like I was in Britain's worst boyband I think they look more like Kraft working that now does anyone get the impression Mandelson isn't very keen on his Gordon this well I don't know if he's keen he's just having fun let's have a look at this facial expression was Alastair Campbell a good David I've been working by going around the country talking to people listening to what they say and I think what I'll say tonight reflects the messages that people are giving me now let's have a look at Mandelson's reaction to that right you're on the list this is the election campaign Nick Clegg lives in London with his Spanish wife and their three children Antonio Alberto and mid-well though who wears the trousers in their house meanwhile in Southampton John Prescott campaigned with the local Labour candidate drawing the sort of crowds you'd expect and soda round two which is Caesar welcome return to the have I got news for you of news raise an objection just at the beginning yeah this is a contest is a drawback I admit anyway yes this is the man who can hypnotize rabbits yes his name's cliff Penrose what's the name of the bloke well there are some animals if you just get them on their back in a certain position they go into a sort of trance like state yeah and I think he does something then you rub their head or deny why this is rabbit let's talk you through okay what he does is he lays the bunny down then he Sue's Tammy stroking her head like that then he happens or the job is near what Tammy looks like at the end that rabbit is dead isn't it but it did give the headline writers really a field day son went with hotma ties they all have hope let ISM and Telegraph had rabbit Whisperer put badly behaved bunnies in a trance cliff rather undermined all that do you know how you did that he said I don't hit so I have no idea what that man is doing no if I'm brutally honest yes this is cliff Penrose who is being hailed for his ability to hypnotize rabbits mr. Penrose employs a special technique to make a rabbit lie lifeless and still though I find a 4x4 is just as effective you got arrested this came round and I was interviewed by them saying that I ran over a fox you sat there and you said I run over a fox today never I went on you said yeah took me out oh here's the next spin [Music] the Americans are charging them with fraud thank you money on it [Laughter] all right I do know the answer to this Goldman Sachs invented a bomb to sell to people which was based on subprime mortgages so it was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people but they designed it to lose money because one of the their other clients was a big hedge fund manager who were betting on the bomb to lose so Goldman Sachs was selling this bomb to you saying this is terrific behind about getting to one excellent bet on this this is complete rubbish so government Sachs basically proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't it wasn't just an act of God or an accident it was a fraud can I just interrupt at this point yeah because I should make it plain the law being as it is yes Goldman calls the charges completely unfounded in law and fact what a sexy lately I can't see any of this making into the finished program are you worried about libel yes unlike you I haven't ever been done for it before I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years yeah you were saying what a bunch of crooks goldmans you could present your program from yourself the mission could be to walk from one end to the other does mean something different yes Goldman Sachs Bank and one of its bosses have been charged with fraud in the wake of the scandal Goldman Sachs have moved away from the dodgy subprime model yeah I said that all wrong sorry at the end yeah cousin let's do that don't you mean undo it me know when I make a mistake it always goes in in the wake of the scandal Goldman Sachs have moved away from the dodgy subprime mortgage market and last week proudly announced a new range of investments in houses on the slopes of Icelandic volcano brilliant scum in blue just what I was hoping what's this all about this is about a guy who got arrested for and charged with drunk driving in a toy car he was been 4 miles an hour and he was that very much is he filming for you it's against the law to drive that according to mr. Hutton the police came up alongside me and the officer said are you all right there when I tried to talk I realized how he had parked in the Wendy House who was stopped by the police for driving a toy Barbie car whilst over the limit he was sentenced to a three-year driving ban and six months on the naughty step according to the son the offending vehicle was a tiny battery-powered Barbie Jeep with a top speed of 4 miles an hour which he got secondhand from Richard Hammond background it is Ian and flair with four and Paul Andy with three [Applause] right more comfortable with that there just in case you wanted to throw any barrows at me you know I deliberately came out with nothing I can throw it I have no biro I have nothing you're quite safe I drew blood last time I was here I throw Baris I mean he's lit bled yeah and you said it's red ink not only do you want to destroy the planet you hurt me honestly I've never seen him come I need some antiseptic wipes yeah but you'd be handling it time now for the odd one out round in and Claire your for our Herman Van Rompuy the pastor Bible Eric Pickles and hartfordshire Highways Authority Herman Van Rompuy yes lumpy bumpy he is the president of the European Council yes and he writes high key high key she's 17 syllables it's Japanese thing isn't it it's yes it's a verse form didn't Eric Pickles he was doing his life twittering Bloggie thing and his finger didn't quite hit the button it was meant to hit and instead of saying something about shirts that he had bought he said he missed the our house yes that's true miss Prince there's a misprint and the highways guide in Eric Pickles is tweet it is the Bible but Herman von trumping never makes an error he's faultless how do you think Herman's poems have gone down with other EU politicians there's been fisticuffs in the corridors of power somebody knighted him in the cafeteria Nigel Faraj yeah he seems like a haiku kind of person exactly you kitch Nigel Farraj said oh dear oh dear oh dear God helpers right yes then he got council workmen there from Royston in Hartford they were left red faced when road sign painters fouled up they wanted to write keep clear but they actually wrote kick leap to the Telegraph local resident Paul Brett was the first to notice the mistake despite the fact that he's dyslexic he of course thought it said bus lane pickles he proudly told his four-and-a-half thousand online followers my shits are from M&S which was warmly received by rival fatty and noted wit John Prescott who replied that some sponsorship deal you've got he meant to say shirts my ship's shirts do you know what lesson mr. pickles has learned from the from the incident about Twitter well actually he explained in a later tweet the R is always important in shirts although in the case of Eric shirts not nearly as important as the X the X the X and the al pastor Bible this is a typo it made headlines this week quite big and quite bad it was a recipe for tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto now it should have said add salt and freshly ground black pepper well it actually said was add salt and freshly ground black job sessions penguins have a publishing said we're mortified this has become an issue of anything anyone will be offended we don't know Paul and Andy okay here's Paul skulls Lily the meerkat Ian Cameron and a pillow in South Korea Paul skulls he scored a goal last week and was in the news because Gary Neville give him a big sort of kiss on the lips kissing the South Korean cushion is gay slang for first date they advertise from mate it's me yeah yes mate and donates David Cameron's dad and they kissed each other at the weekend as well so everybody's been kissing each other puffins the meerkat probably cuz isn't that right Millie bit yes they've all received a very public case apart from Lily the meerkat who doesn't have anyone to kiss and is now using a meerkat dating website to find him the one she lives as an animal theme park in melton mowbray Mowbray doesn't make pies or crust in the middle what do you think Lily's dating profile says no hypnotized rabbits alert dark eyed inquisitive free-spirited lady with a good sense of humor who enjoys fine dining digging I've gone off for now buckling email midnight I saw you coming mouths away what Camryn's parents apparently with that target the get gray vote you nearly made a mistake the hours nearly missing again it is I did as well that was the finding you're very astute Paul sculls Manchester United midfielder kissed on the lips as he said by exultant teammate Gary Neville DS yes after he scored a very lucky 94th minute winner in the Manchester derby yeah we are look at that Paul sculls to me doesn't look very sure about those goals is think if there's cameras over there Gary I'm senior afterwards come on now looking forward to obviously the pillow a South Korean man recently shared a passionate kiss with a full-length pillow after the pair were married in a special ceremony in front of a local priest I'd see a picture of the happy couple yeah who is he and why do you think you married his pillow well is he perhaps not the most balanced person top rated what did it go six I'm in there with him you know me these two that is technically a ducky mcloren it's a kind of large huggable pillow from Japan often with the type of cartoon character on the side got a picture one here there you go I know it's turning into something different yes wait it is according to a friend of lee's expose me every Friday according to a friend of Lee he's completely obsessed with his pillow and takes it everywhere doesn't really matter does it as long as it doesn't interfere with how he performs in his job as Korean Prime Minister okay they've all received a very public care support from Lily the meerkat she doesn't have anyone to kiss and is now using a meerkat dating website if any of you are worried about Lily the meerkat you needn't be she's dead well she didn't see that coming you didn't run her over did you it's very tricky to run a meerkats over because they look out all the time you've got to sneak up on them and then put your foot down on Sunday David Cameron was photographed kissing his father and was immediately barred from his local bed-and-breakfast time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication bark the dog magazine so that's worse than its sister publication Bhagat what can turn your dog's world upside down putting him in the tumble dryer gluing into the ceiling yes the answer was in fact words this is an advert for deworming tablets from bark magazine of course it's very difficult to get dogs to swallow pills one of the best ways I find is to grind them up and sprinkle them on their testicles that true mmm that's what I do is what I do to my god [Applause] next Winnie the Pooh and Sherlock Holmes what have secret love child the bear that solves crimes burned down by meerkat it's in Peter Pan's first eleven according to a new book it's the hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the founding of Britain's first celebrity cricket team that featured players like Jerome K Jerome hey Mel sir arthur conan doyle and a young Geoffrey Boycott next want a happy retirement buy yourself a dog have kids have lots of money no it's spend time with your friends according to the psychological society it's a myth that spending time with children brings more happiness I don't know my local priest is one of the happiest men I know next women who what caused earthquakes are people exposed women who exposed their flesh this is the man in Iraq was it who suggested that earthquakes are caused by women dressing in a sort of what he considered an inappropriate fashion absolutely right is wrong the actual answer is we're revealing clothing yeah yes it leads to male desire which sparks earthquakes and the Iranian Clark has claimed that women are to blow earthquakes declaring I've got a driving licence and I can't see that that says Clark cleric yes it does say Clark but you just wish to say what a one cameras right it doesn't but it is but that said Clark see you were wait wait wait an Iranian chapel has planned an Iranian chap has claimed that women are to blame for earthquakes and finally what is a lover and a liquor and needs to get out more the pipe so it could be any breed of dog really so weird accent great day we don't know one of those no it's actually my Korean Jindo yeah the article in bark magazine describes one dog as a lover and a liquor and quite possibly a joker attic and the midnight smoker so the final scores are in and Claire have eight for LAN do you have seven it's just time for the caption competition questions are asked after david attenborough's life on earth cast party gets outta hand yeah on which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hislop and Clare Balding Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton and I leave you with news that in Tehran there's an embarrassing moment at a press conference in which the president denies claims that Iran has nuclear weapons three hours into a shoot a photographer finally gets his subject to look vaguely intelligent after waiting 15 minutes for stragglers the Labour Party coach trip to celebrate Peter Mandelson's birthday finally sets off and there's a - girl when John Prescott's chip pan catches fire [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] but that wasn't quite enough you'd have I got news for you two is now available on a BB BC CD next time I saw BBC 2 this week gets totally Frank Skinner eyes [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] throwing an egg at some camera no that's a little bit of the news and the guy throws the egg and then sort of turns random points that way is it gonna work somebody over there threw an egg mate he was whisked away by security

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Views: 132,402

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Id: 359dIuWWHLA

Length: 42min 5sec (2525 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 19 2018