the BEST bad movie I've ever seen

all right so I had a lot of fun doing the too hot to handle review so I decided it's time for me to move on to the big screen and review a nice piece of cinema and so I tweeted what's the best worst movie on Amazon Prime right now and immediately I had a bunch of people tweet me a movie called vilasa pastor and I read that title vilasa faster and I knew right away that I would be reviewing the [ __ ] out of this movie vilasa pastor what do you think that's about take a take a stab what do you think a pastor that's also a velociraptor you your might you might be thinking yup that's exactly what it's about I mean look at the [ __ ] poster for this [ __ ] how could I not review this movie I read an article where the crater said that he tried to type Velociraptor into his phone one time and it autocorrected to vilasa pastor and he looked at that and he said that's a movie right there which honestly I commend because finding inspiration and stupid [ __ ] is how I come up with like all of my ideas I mean I did a song about Harry Styles being a cat for [ __ ] sake honestly I think the best way for me to review this movie is just just to go through everything that happens in the plot just to get the idea of how absurd this piece of film really is actually know the best way for you to understand that is to watch it go watch it right now and and let it move you and then come back and let's unpack it together philosoph astir it starts with the pastor he's giving a sermon or whatever you know we standing up at the church giving a speech you know I don't know I haven't been at church that many times but that you know and he goes outside afterwards and he sees his parents and he's like oh hi and they're like ah and then he looks we hear an explosion and he looks back and it just says VFX car on fire and it goes back to him and he's like [Music] which immediately made me chuckle heartily VFX car on fire that's funny right but then it made me confuse a little bit cuz I'm like is this you know I feel like all good bad movies are so good because they're not self-aware you know if they're like they're always called something like big gulf alligator titties or something like that but it tries to be like a Scorsese film so it's funny right but this movie I guess is trying to be like a little bit more self-aware so it's like a scary movie type movie where it's like dumb and absurd on purpose which is also hard to do so that doesn't give this a pass and we will find meaning in this movie or I'm not Kody this cinema cat that's what they call me Cody the cinema cat so then the elder priest here we'll call him pop a priest pop a priest system down he goes that's what parents do they die on you he says that that's what parents do they die on you it's what parents do they die on you which is a pretty legendary thing to say to somebody hours after they lose someone close to them just yeah man that sucks I guess that's what people do though they [ __ ] die right so get over it so then pop a priest gives him more wine and he convinces him to travel which you know is that I'm sure that's the advice of every Instagram influencer or ever something hard happens just [ __ ] take a trip man go to cabo so Doug our protagonist he goes to China and there's this funny scene where he's just like in on a hike in the middle of the forest and he just stands there he goes China China and then randomly this woman who's being chased or hunted by someone gets hit with an arrow through her chest that collapses right in front of Doug and he's like are you okay even though it's very clear she has an arrow through her heart and she goes she gives him like this tooth thing or like a bone or something and she's like destroy it immediately or they will hunt you forever and then she dies later peace bye and just as you're thinking what is this tooth thing it's like a smooth big whatever it bites him or something I'm not really sure he's holding it and then all of a sudden is like and there's like a giant gash in his hand from the smooth bone that he was holding and then he wakes up so you're like wait was that a dream turns out it wasn't it's actually a pretty important part of the plot they just decided to start the next scene with him violently waking up just to you know throw us off a little bit so he wakes up in bed he's back home now right and he's kind of sick for some reason he's like oh man I feel so hungry and so he leaves the church he's stumbling around the street and something's happening to him right he's going through some kind of transformation it's like when Spiderman got bitten by the spider and inherits the spiders powers some of them Doug gets bitten by a bone and you know gets a boner or something no he I don't know he's maybe he's inheriting it's prehistoric powers perhaps little foreshadowing maybe but before we find out what that could be what happens to him the story shifts to this prostitute walking down the street and she chats with her pimp her pimps name is Frankie mermaid because well and why is my name Frankie Norman you're swimmin in [ __ ] swimming in [ __ ] that is awesome that's that is good writing and I hope this dude raps cuz that's a great rap name Frankie mermaid and he's got a great haircut and that's actually why they call me Cody the cinema cat because I am feline this movie [ __ ] that joke so he's like he's like where are you tricking tonight to her and and she goes to the park and he goes good because that's where the real money is and you are the real money and then he laughs like maniacally and she gives him this like awful lucky even though that I feel like that's kind of weirdly a compliment I'm not sure but then she goes the next scene that we cut to the park where she says she's gonna make real money and there's nobody around it's literally deserted she's walking through a dark forest you think the real money would be like on a busy corner in a city but she's just walking in a rural forest just secluded cruising around by herself and what happens but she gets this dude tries to mug her of course so then this dude comes out of nowhere and tries to mug her obviously because she's in a forest alone and then the dude that's mugging gets attacked by it's a bird it's a plane it's velociter it's the [ __ ] we've all been waiting for this moment it's the title of the movie and here he is philosoph aster and all of his prehistoric glory he I don't know he attacks the dude you can't really it's like done through weird cutscenes and incredible special effects by the way truly this kind of looks like somebody somebody's nephew paper mash shade a raptor head for their science-fair or something but I mean what else can you expect this movie was made for $35,000 $35,000 a feature film was made about a [ __ ] pastor that changes into a velociraptor so I mean I don't I don't blame them for this okay so then Doug wakes up in the prostitutes bed and they have this conversation where she's like last night was amazing and he was he thinks that they had sex so they have this really confusing conversation where he's like wait I'm a priest this can't happen again and she's like oh wait are you talking about sex oh no I'm talking about the fact that you turned into a dinosaur and killed a man last night ate him in fact and so then he freaks out even more and he's like no wait I don't believe you and they go to the forest where the body is laying but he doesn't have any clothes from being a dinosaur and so he wears her little orange dress which I feel like they could have stopped at Kohl's or something and just picked up a pair of pants at least but I do I have to admit this was pretty funny it is a little bit of a leg up god that's good that's good fee with the little dress so Doug can't handle the thought of potentially being half a dinosaur so he goes back to the church to be a priest again and he walks into the confession booth and who the [ __ ] walks in the other side but who did you guess first of all what are you thinking yeah that's right Frankie effing mermaid walks in the other side and he confesses to pretty much every crime in the book he confesses to not only stealing candy from a baby and then throwing the baby in the river but he confesses to guess what killing Doug's parents plot twist say it with me folks from plot twist and so uh-oh what what's that I hear the distant boom of a of a dinosaur foot stabbing right Velociraptor comes out ah through the confession booth kills Frankie mermaid yeah later dude so he kills him he goes back to the prostitute they bond over the fact that he killed her awful boss and the guy that killed his parents and then they agree that he's gonna use his powers to fight crime so now he's a [ __ ] superhero and this is a superhero film and there's this montage of him training and them dressed in 70s clothes and also falling in love a little bit a lot of storylines going on right well might as well throw in another one because at this point we cut to a new character thirty minutes in and they're like here's a new character it's this Chinese ninja leader guy who we find out wants vilasa pastor dead I don't really it doesn't explain why he just you just wants him dead I guess this is velociraptors enemy right every every superhero needs an adverse and this is this is it this is philosopher's venom I guess also I was I realized when I was writing this I had a pause on the movie and you can see the boom for this entire shot fantastic so then Doug goes back to the church and pop a priestess like what's wrong with you you're different you switched up on me and Doug tells him about the dinosaur the velociraptor the whole thing and Papas like you need an exorcism I know exactly what you need a nice cold exorcism and he's like I know a guy and he calls in Criss Angel to rid the demons from him and and as this is happening we get a little backstory on both characters on Doug and Poppa priest a trip down memory lane if you will we find out that you know Doug was very close with his parents he liked to laugh with them and we find out that Poppa priest was in a war of some sort he fought for his country and his friend this all happens via flashback okay flashback our flashbacks are kind of a common device in this film so then we see his friend die randomly right in front of him and then we see his wife who he loves very deeply show up on the battlefield right after his friend dies and run towards him and she steps on a mine and she explodes and he just gets this [ __ ] awful pool of blood all over him poor guy man so that's his fun little backstory anyways the whole exorcism thing is still going on right and guess what happens the [ __ ] philosopher comes out of course you're gonna try and get rid of the [ __ ] Stu hat half dinosaur side of him of course it's gonna be a little pissed about that so it comes out it attacks pop a priest we learned this horrible backstory about him we feel we feel bad for him we empathize and then he just gets dunked on by the Toronto Raptors so then Doug leaves are the you know the Raptor leaves whatever and on the way home he gets attacked by ninjas cuz they're still trying to make this part of the story I don't know where the [ __ ] is the ninjas come in all of a sudden it's just confusing the [ __ ] out of me but he gets attacked and he gets home and him in the prostitute makes sweet love and then the ninjas come back they followed him home and just decided to wait till the lovemaking session was over and they attack them and dug in the and the prostitute they win but they're like they're not gonna stop we have to go to the head ninja and fight him so I feel like at this point we're building up to the crescendo of act 2 which all takes place at the ninja leaders place we cut there and pop a priest is there for some reason and he wakes up I don't know how he got there but he wakes up there and he's like where am i where's where's Doug and the ninja leader tells him his plans of why he's even in the movie basically his plan is to sell enough cocaine to the to the people that they get hooked on it and then take away the cocaine supply so that they turned to religion and the ninja can kind of start a cult through the priest right makes sense this all kind of feels like a very bizarre shroom trip to be honest but I am still enjoying it I love the fact that you know near the end of the movie we finally find out what the motivation of the enemy is this is his plan at the end of the movie we find that out anyways Papa priest doesn't want to do it he's like no I don't want to convert the unwilling I'm not I'm not open to that it's it's against my you know code of ethics and and I'm not gonna and then he [ __ ] dies the ninja leader just kills him so that's this guy's character arc that's that's all it is is he loses his friend and his girlfriend while he's fighting for his country he consoles Doug when Doug loses his parents he tries to help Doug when Doug is changing into a raptor and then he gets killed because he doesn't want to start a ninja cult speaking of character arcs we also have another little fun twist here we find out that one of the main white dudes that works for the ninja leader is Doug's brother and we go back to the flashbacks that we saw before but they last a little bit longer we get we get to see the end of them and this guy is in them like for example in the car one he just is in the trunk of the car and then for the one in the kitchen he's standing in the kitchen just being a reject basically by he's a rich he's a reject of his own family so then Doug and his brother have this insane fight and he kill his brother and I guess we're supposed to feel good about that again it's like the person with the messed up backstory usually is the one that comes out on top right you're always the cheering for the underdog but in this case we just get we just get to keep just get to watch them keep losing so then the prostitute dies and now he goes into full Raptor mode I don't know why he didn't before but now he's really mad and he goes into Raptor mode and then one of the probably one of the best fight scenes in movie history happens you know that scene in Lord of the Rings that war scene that costs probably millions and millions of dollars of all the orcs and everything this is [ __ ] better than that easily easily and this costs probably $10 this fight scene and then he delivers the best finishing line of all time I think my hand [Applause] and he pulls off the [ __ ] head just just ah he's just like hilarious screaming with you know random Gandhi quote over top and it's time for act 3 turns out Carol is actually alive Carol that's her name she's actually alive and the doctor that tells him that rips a cigarette in his own waiting room and and we're reassured that she's fine she survived they both did the bad guys all died and the movie ends by them deciding to go around the world and kill other ninja leaders because what what better way to end this movie then than to set it up for a sequel I don't I don't [ __ ] know I give this movie a 6 because it was really entertaining and funny because it's just so goddamn random and meaningless and good and bad at the same time I feel like there just needs to be more of this you know good give 30 K to someone with zero moviemaking or writing experience at all and just see what they come up with just [ __ ] just give give someone 35 grand and some mushrooms and be like go have a movie in two days okay so what's the meaning Cody the cinema cat what is it the meaning the meaning of this movie is the lesson is don't be a loser I guess don't don't be the reject of your family don't be the less cool brother and Christianity is bad or good one of those two and dinosaurs rule and yeah that's the lesson dinosaurs rule dinosaur rules number one dinosaurs rule thank you for watching go watch the movie hope you enjoyed this goodbye [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Cody Ko

Views: 2,926,881

Rating: 4.976099 out of 5

Keywords: velocipastor, velociraptor, pastor, movie, Cody ko, cody, ko, instagram, comedy, sketch, dms, cringe, vine, advice, vlog, comments, codyko, comedian, vines, podcast, funny, tiny meat gang, insanely chill, 6secondauditions, the weekend edition

Id: QUKndIu_mPw

Length: 18min 12sec (1092 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 08 2020